STONEWALLING: What does it represent?

17 Mar


STONEWALLING  March 17, 2011

What does it represent?

Everyone knows what a “stonewall” is.  It is a wall or fence made of any type of stone.

The word stonewalling has a different definition but BOY ARE THEY RELATED.

The definition of “stonewalling” is:  Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.

We call it the “silent treatment” and it is mainly used by husbands.

BUT  WHY?!?

I will continue today using comments out of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book on “Love and Respect”.   It is a must read for married couples.

We have discussed how when a wife criticizes her husband, she thinks she is helping him.

Prov.12:18 “…thoughtless words cut like a sword.”

 The husband usually interprets it as HUMILIATION.

He says to himself, “I don’t deserve this kind of talk.”

When a husband “stonewalls” his wife, it is a WARNING SIGNAL.

Unfortunately, “stonewalling” aggravates her and causes her to criticize even more because she feels her assistance is being refused.

Even though she criticizes out of LOVE, he only hears DISRESPECT.

In Professor John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict.  A man’s blood pressure and heart rate rises much higher and stays elevated much longer than his wife’s.  Nothing escalates on a woman and she thinks that the conversation is increasing love between them.  The husband on the other hand sees an argument coming on and he feels he will lose respect.  At this point the husband will become quiet or walk away by himself.

If she asks him why he has walked away, he will tell her that he is trying not to react.

He is trying to do the HONORABLE and RESPECTABLE thing.

A wife gets so hurt by this action because she receives it as rejection and unloving.

STAY WITH ME LADIES!  If your husband is a pathological “stonewaller” then it means that you could be a pathological criticizer and complainer.  Ouch!!

OUCH!!  OUCH!!   Okay, we got through that!   NOW WHAT?!?

The more the wife complains, the more the husband withdraws.  The more the husband withdraws, the more the wife complains.  WE ARE BACK ON THE CRAZY CYCLE.

Prov. 12:4 A wife “who brings shame“ on her husband “is like sickness to his bones” NIRV.

Have you been his mommy, his teacher, or his holy spirit?

Emerson says the next action from the husband is called the coup de grace.

Look it up girls and beware.  This is when he gets up and walks out as a bitter, hostile unloving human being and leaves his wife.

Then the divorce which is a funeral that never ends, BEGINS.

The coup de grace is the “death blow.”

Coup de grace means the blow that kills.

STOP CRITICIZING!!!  Stonewalling could be the warning signal.

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14 Responses to “STONEWALLING: What does it represent?”

  1. nancysalazar May 16, 2016 at 3:24 pm #

    You are welcomed! I will keep you and your lovely family in prayer! May God bless you richly!!!

  2. Teresa February 4, 2017 at 11:32 pm #

    That being said, I am sad to this this article when I googled stonewalling. I think any men who read this who do stonewall will think it is okay and use this as “evidence”….even when their wife does not nag or criticize. Trust me on this. My husband reads and believes lies all the time. Time for men (and women too) to take responsibility for stonewalling.

    • nancysalazar February 5, 2017 at 4:16 pm #

      Hi Teresa! I can agree with what your concerns are. I believe that there are husbands who can take this post and turn it around to their advantage. That is not at all what my intents of speaking on this subject is for. I write to help women understand how men think and feel. With that information, it puts her to the advantage to understand. 99% of wives get stonewalled by their husband at sometime during their marriage. My prayer is that they will ask God how to handle their situation rather than keep nagging which has got them nowhere. We get our souls wounded and then we turn around and wound our husbands. We cannot be the wives and mothers that we want to be if we are living with wounds on our soul. This is not the “abundant life” that God has for us. When we wound others, we wound ourselves. Christ resurrected so we can be excellent of soul. We must let the Holy Spirit fix us first!

  3. mizubara February 27, 2017 at 12:23 pm #

    And what exactly is HIS responsibility in the situation where he’s stonewalling his wife to the point where SHE’S threatening divorce because she’s always being punished with silence EVERY time he gets angry with her? Seriously, this article seems very unbalanced. It’s not healthy for EITHER partner to cut off communication in order to punish the other.

    • nancysalazar February 27, 2017 at 9:02 pm #

      Hi Mizubara! Thanks for your comment. I agree with you wholeheartedly! I do not agree with stonewalling. The purpose of this blog was to give wife insight. Stonewalling could be a response in exchange for arguing. In marriage, we all get our souls wounded and sometimes on a daily basis. The correct response is in the scriptures. First, Jesus died so that we can repent of any part we may have played in the situation. Jesus didn’t just stay in the tomb, He resurrected. The bible calls it the power (dunamus) of the resurrection. Dunamus in the Greek means excellence of body and soul. That means that dunamus cleans your soul of wounds. God wants you to have an excellent soul. That power came at the resurrection. Just ask God to pour His resurrecting power into your soul and marriage. He will do it.

  4. sam123 April 19, 2017 at 2:33 am #

    Hi Nancy,
    Thank you for the blog. I’m a pathological stonewaller. I have been looking for help without success as everyone has help for the person who has been stonewalled. My wife also is a good stonewaller. When I stonewall she responds in kind when I try to re-initiate conversation and we get into a vicious cycle that could go for weeks. I dont mind criticism and correction once in a while but when I get it at least once a day I struggle with it.

    • nancysalazar April 19, 2017 at 6:44 pm #

      Hi sam123! Thanks so much for your comment! In all these years, this is the first time that I have had a comment from a stonewaller when I know that there are millions out there just like there are millions of wives that nag their husbands. Eph.5:33 is a marriage treatise. It tells husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. This is the crazy cycle. If a husband is not respected, he does not show his wife love by not doing what she asks or in other areas. If a wife is not being loved the way she wants, she disrespects her husband. They go around and round with no end. This is the crazy cycle. It only takes one to get off the crazy cycle. You will win if you treat her with love no matter how she acts. This will cause her to feel stupid for acting the way she does. When you don’t react with stonewalling, she will change. Pray and trust God to honor His word. This is end as a WIN, WIN marriage!

  5. sam123 April 19, 2017 at 10:13 pm #

    My frustration was why I end up stonewalling. Now I understand the cause and I will do what I need to do now that I know why I do it. Once again thank you.

    • nancysalazar June 7, 2017 at 6:17 pm #

      Hi sam123! Thanks so much for your honest comment! So glad to read that you are willing to do your part. The power of the resurrection gives us everything we need to have a great marriage. The word “power” in the Greek is “Dunamas” and has many meanings. Two of the meanings are:” excellent of soul” and “power to do miracles.” When we get hurt with our spouses, we get a wounded soul and start to retaliate. Dunamas gives us the power to have an excellent soul. Call on God;s resurrecting power to strengthen you and do a miracle not to get your soul wounded. Enjoy the journey of a great marriage!

  6. eel April 19, 2017 at 11:20 pm #

    Once again the blame lies on the wife. Husbands are just too perfect and sacred being. Women will get deliverance only by submitting themselves to Thierry husbands….
    When does this stop! Why both the roles are not viewed as individuals of equal significance. Just got disappointed reading this article.

    • nancysalazar June 7, 2017 at 6:29 pm #

      Hi Eel! Thanks so much for your comment! Your role in life is equal to your husbands. God made you both two individual people but working as one to accomplish God’s desire. One is to birth and raise Godly children and to be his companion. The enemy distorts this. He lies to the wife and he makes us feel like we are being treated as nothing. A husband does not know what to do about it because he is not stronger than the devil. He then has to rely on God to expose truth to his wife. The truth is he loves you and married you because he thought you were the the best thing in the world and would have an amazing marriage together. If you treat him like a king, he WILL treat you like a queen. He is dying to go back to your wedding day. Be that woman your were that day. Don’t listen to the lies! You are equal and you are loved!

  7. Nonya Business November 13, 2017 at 8:38 am #

    Stonewalling: a systematic approach for narcissistic individuals , because they “Did nothing wrong.” It is cyclical.

  8. Sean Morris November 26, 2017 at 3:08 pm #

    Stonewalling is not loving. Put the blame where it lies, on the dysfunctional person committing the act!

    • nancysalazar November 26, 2017 at 5:57 pm #

      Hi Sean! Thank you for your comment! This post wasn’t to put blame on any one person. We can’t control others. We can only control ourselves. The point I was trying to get across was to self examine ourselves to make sure there was nothing we did to entice it. We have the final say.

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