STONEWALLING March 17, 2011
What does it represent?
Everyone knows what a “stonewall” is. It is a wall or fence made of any type of stone.
The word stonewalling has a different definition but BOY ARE THEY RELATED.
The definition of “stonewalling” is: Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.
We call it the “silent treatment” and it is mainly used by husbands.
BUT WHY?!?
I will continue today using comments out of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book on “Love and Respect”. It is a must read for married couples.
We have discussed how when a wife criticizes her husband, she thinks she is helping him.
Prov.12:18 “…thoughtless words cut like a sword.”
The husband usually interprets it as HUMILIATION.
He says to himself, “I don’t deserve this kind of talk.”
When a husband “stonewalls” his wife, it is a WARNING SIGNAL.
Unfortunately, “stonewalling” aggravates her and causes her to criticize even more because she feels her assistance is being refused.
Even though she criticizes out of LOVE, he only hears DISRESPECT.
In Professor John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict. A man’s blood pressure and heart rate rises much higher and stays elevated much longer than his wife’s. Nothing escalates on a woman and she thinks that the conversation is increasing love between them. The husband on the other hand sees an argument coming on and he feels he will lose respect. At this point the husband will become quiet or walk away by himself.
If she asks him why he has walked away, he will tell her that he is trying not to react.
He is trying to do the HONORABLE and RESPECTABLE thing.
A wife gets so hurt by this action because she receives it as rejection and unloving.
STAY WITH ME LADIES! If your husband is a pathological “stonewaller” then it means that you could be a pathological criticizer and complainer. Ouch!!
OUCH!! OUCH!! Okay, we got through that! NOW WHAT?!?
The more the wife complains, the more the husband withdraws. The more the husband withdraws, the more the wife complains. WE ARE BACK ON THE CRAZY CYCLE.
Prov. 12:4 A wife “who brings shame“ on her husband “is like sickness to his bones” NIRV.
Have you been his mommy, his teacher, or his holy spirit?
Emerson says the next action from the husband is called the coup de grace.
Look it up girls and beware. This is when he gets up and walks out as a bitter, hostile unloving human being and leaves his wife.
Then the divorce which is a funeral that never ends, BEGINS.
The coup de grace is the “death blow.”
Coup de grace means the blow that kills.
STOP CRITICIZING!!! Stonewalling could be the warning signal.
LOVE YOUR SPOUSE 
You are welcomed! I will keep you and your lovely family in prayer! May God bless you richly!!!
That being said, I am sad to this this article when I googled stonewalling. I think any men who read this who do stonewall will think it is okay and use this as “evidence”….even when their wife does not nag or criticize. Trust me on this. My husband reads and believes lies all the time. Time for men (and women too) to take responsibility for stonewalling.
Hi Teresa! I can agree with what your concerns are. I believe that there are husbands who can take this post and turn it around to their advantage. That is not at all what my intents of speaking on this subject is for. I write to help women understand how men think and feel. With that information, it puts her to the advantage to understand. 99% of wives get stonewalled by their husband at sometime during their marriage. My prayer is that they will ask God how to handle their situation rather than keep nagging which has got them nowhere. We get our souls wounded and then we turn around and wound our husbands. We cannot be the wives and mothers that we want to be if we are living with wounds on our soul. This is not the “abundant life” that God has for us. When we wound others, we wound ourselves. Christ resurrected so we can be excellent of soul. We must let the Holy Spirit fix us first!
No Nancy you are not offering advice to women. It is 100% one sided. You said if he is a stonewaller then its because the woman is the pathological nagger. Theres no ifs or buts or he is wrong in this article.
I agree Teresa. He is going to turn around with this article and say see told you it was your fault. Any time she wants to discuss the relationship he will respond its your fault if i stonewall you now.
And what exactly is HIS responsibility in the situation where he’s stonewalling his wife to the point where SHE’S threatening divorce because she’s always being punished with silence EVERY time he gets angry with her? Seriously, this article seems very unbalanced. It’s not healthy for EITHER partner to cut off communication in order to punish the other.
Hi Mizubara! Thanks for your comment. I agree with you wholeheartedly! I do not agree with stonewalling. The purpose of this blog was to give wife insight. Stonewalling could be a response in exchange for arguing. In marriage, we all get our souls wounded and sometimes on a daily basis. The correct response is in the scriptures. First, Jesus died so that we can repent of any part we may have played in the situation. Jesus didn’t just stay in the tomb, He resurrected. The bible calls it the power (dunamus) of the resurrection. Dunamus in the Greek means excellence of body and soul. That means that dunamus cleans your soul of wounds. God wants you to have an excellent soul. That power came at the resurrection. Just ask God to pour His resurrecting power into your soul and marriage. He will do it.
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for the blog. I’m a pathological stonewaller. I have been looking for help without success as everyone has help for the person who has been stonewalled. My wife also is a good stonewaller. When I stonewall she responds in kind when I try to re-initiate conversation and we get into a vicious cycle that could go for weeks. I dont mind criticism and correction once in a while but when I get it at least once a day I struggle with it.
Hi sam123! Thanks so much for your comment! In all these years, this is the first time that I have had a comment from a stonewaller when I know that there are millions out there just like there are millions of wives that nag their husbands. Eph.5:33 is a marriage treatise. It tells husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. This is the crazy cycle. If a husband is not respected, he does not show his wife love by not doing what she asks or in other areas. If a wife is not being loved the way she wants, she disrespects her husband. They go around and round with no end. This is the crazy cycle. It only takes one to get off the crazy cycle. You will win if you treat her with love no matter how she acts. This will cause her to feel stupid for acting the way she does. When you don’t react with stonewalling, she will change. Pray and trust God to honor His word. This is end as a WIN, WIN marriage!
Yeah excellent Nancy. Theres either a divorce happening her or this guy just decided he has a trump card on his wife to be submissive to him.
My frustration was why I end up stonewalling. Now I understand the cause and I will do what I need to do now that I know why I do it. Once again thank you.
Hi sam123! Thanks so much for your honest comment! So glad to read that you are willing to do your part. The power of the resurrection gives us everything we need to have a great marriage. The word “power” in the Greek is “Dunamas” and has many meanings. Two of the meanings are:” excellent of soul” and “power to do miracles.” When we get hurt with our spouses, we get a wounded soul and start to retaliate. Dunamas gives us the power to have an excellent soul. Call on God;s resurrecting power to strengthen you and do a miracle not to get your soul wounded. Enjoy the journey of a great marriage!
Once again the blame lies on the wife. Husbands are just too perfect and sacred being. Women will get deliverance only by submitting themselves to Thierry husbands….
When does this stop! Why both the roles are not viewed as individuals of equal significance. Just got disappointed reading this article.
Hi Eel! Thanks so much for your comment! Your role in life is equal to your husbands. God made you both two individual people but working as one to accomplish God’s desire. One is to birth and raise Godly children and to be his companion. The enemy distorts this. He lies to the wife and he makes us feel like we are being treated as nothing. A husband does not know what to do about it because he is not stronger than the devil. He then has to rely on God to expose truth to his wife. The truth is he loves you and married you because he thought you were the the best thing in the world and would have an amazing marriage together. If you treat him like a king, he WILL treat you like a queen. He is dying to go back to your wedding day. Be that woman your were that day. Don’t listen to the lies! You are equal and you are loved!
I agree Eel. This was the only one sided article ive read in all the stonewalling articles ive read. You just know she rubs ointment on her husbands feet while ooking his dinner and making sure all her husbands needs are met while being 100% submissive to be ause thats her role according to the bible.
Nunya, your comments are spot on! It takes two in any relationship. Does it occur to Nancy that a wife, husband, or partner wether they appear to be nagging/helping doesn’t deserve stonewalling behavior period. It is childish behavior and a form of abuse. There is no excuse for stonewalling anyone. Would Jesus stonewall?
Amen. This is bullsh*t victim blaming. Stonewalling is a form of mental abuse, and I guess it’s on the abused to figure out how not to trigger the abuser, right??
Stonewalling: a systematic approach for narcissistic individuals , because they “Did nothing wrong.” It is cyclical.
Stonewalling is not loving. Put the blame where it lies, on the dysfunctional person committing the act!
Hi Sean! Thank you for your comment! This post wasn’t to put blame on any one person. We can’t control others. We can only control ourselves. The point I was trying to get across was to self examine ourselves to make sure there was nothing we did to entice it. We have the final say.
I would argue theres no such person as Nance and its more likely Fred or George. The article is weak and shock almighty lays tge blame on the man. The woman wants to talk about the relationship, the blokes a brick wall and boom its the womans fault. Chuck in a few bible verses that do nothing but has the woman obedient and the sinner of all relationship issues and what have you got? Dumbest article ever written.
So I need to understand why generally so many Christian counselors criticize only wives? I’m sick of men getting a free ride to verbally & emotionally abuse their wives, and then on top of that, torture them with stonewalling if they don’t comply or try to set healthy boundaries, & then divorce them for a “better” woman, while so many counselors blame the wife. My husband is very disrespectful to me & is the most critical person I’ve ever known….always has been. But he uses it mostly on me, & criticizes others to me behind their backs, which nauseates me. And when we married, I was a seriously submissive, quiet wife. But he walked all over me, & made me feel worthless & defeated. And I eventually started to take up for myself. I have every right to stonewall him instead of him stonewall me, but yet that is evil & so I dont do that & I choose to forgive him over & over & over & over & over again, when I don’t “feel” like it. But husbands don’t have to do the same??? This is shameful. Do you believe only wives must respect their husbands, but husbands do not have a commandment to respect their wives?
Wow! Blame the woman for expressing herself and wanting to discuss a problem/issue??My experience has been that when I want to discuss something about the realtionship– the result most often is stonewalling! No matter my approach (soft, kind, respectful, non-accusatory), no matter the time of day or the optimal circumstance–the result is stonewalling, aggression, blaming and criticizing. But according to your article–the woman is a nag! unbelievable…
Fuck you, whoever wrote this article! If a man is so weak that he has to to run away when he is criticized, then he is no man at all. And criticism is not the ONLY reason men stonewall. Stonewalling is the STONEWALLER’s problem, not the other person.
I’m a family therapist and this article sounds like you read one line of Gottman’s book and then ran with it. This is a harmful and really poorly researched post and really should be removed.
This is the problem men vs woman woman vs men. It sounds as if everyone here desires to prove a stupid point. 99% of men stonewall their wives really. At one point or the other we all do this men and woman. This is why relationships fail. Everyone wants to blame this or that on the other instead of taking the situation and using it as a platform to try to to strengthen and uplift each other. Look at why he or she is stonewalling you. Stop!!! Complaining and do something it starts with you!!! I am not a therapist nor a counseler but i do know complaining solves nothing. If your that miserable then move on cause u cant change people. Look and evaluate what you are doing and change that or move on. All of you men and woman should be ashamed of yourselves. Men Men Men Womn Woman Woman blah blah blah . Check yourself first change yourself first cause if you really look at your own actions and flaws you really wont have enough time to look at anyone elses because we all come with a hefty size bin of our own flaws. Unconditional
Love try it its awesome..
Yes! And balanced 🙂
im so sick of these gender biased articles…do you care about people being abused or just pushing your agenda
You are enabling passive-aggressive abuse of one spouse against another. You have described a typical passive-aggressive interaction between a PA husband and his wife and sadly you don’t realize it constitutes emotional abuse. In these relationships, the wife makes a reasonable request and the PA husband responds by stonewalling, walking out during the conversation, and giving her the silent treatment. These behaviors should not be viewed as taking the high road or righteous. They are abusive and detrimental not only to the marriage but also the woman’s mental health. PA men express their aggression passively by obstructing, pouting, stonewalling, giving the silent treatment, and being stubborn. The wife could communicate effectively with this type of man and it would be futile as the man has a personality disorder. I’m sorry to say the advice you give in this article is very dangerous to women.