RESOLVE CONFLICT THROUGH LOVING CONFRONTATION

17 Dec

RESOLVE CONFLICT THROUGH LOVING CONFRONTATION

NOTE:  This article was taken from Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Barbara and I manage our conflicts with a tool we call “loving confrontation.”  When either of us gets upset with the other, we try not to hide or deny what is making us see red; we get the hurt in the open through direct, but loving confrontation.

If you want to practice loving confrontation, you can’t believe your your mate is out to get you, nor can you be out to get your mate.  Be willing to hear what God may be saying through your mate.  Many of Barbara’s best statements to me hurt a bit; but I need to hear them because they keep me on the right track.  I want to hear what she is trying to say, instead of plotting how I will reply and defend myself.

Consider a few tips that Barbara and I have found useful in keeping a judgmental spirit out of confrontation:

Check your motivation.  Will what you say help or hurt?  Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further conflict?  Prayer is the best barometer of your motivation.  When you take your situation to God and He shines His light on you and the problem, you usually see your motivation for what it is.

Check your attitude.  A tender spirit expressed through loving confrontation says, “I care about you.  I respect you and I want you to respect me.  I want to know how you feel.”  Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run down your partner.  Do you have a spirit of humility or pride?

Check the circumstances.  The circumstances may include timing, location and setting.  Perhaps the most important is timing. Barbara should not confront me as I walk in the house after a hard day’s work.  I should not confront her as she’s helping a sick child.

Check to see what other pressures may be present.  Be sensitive to where your mate is coming from.  What’s the context of your mate’s life right now.

Check your readiness to take it as well as dish it out.  Sometimes a confrontation can boomerang.  Your mate may have some stuff saved on the other side of the fence that may come right back at you.

Check the emotional temperature.  Call a time-out if the conflict escalates.  Hot, emotionally charged words don’t bring peace.  Say to each other, “I’m not running away from our talk, I love you and want to work this out–but I need a little time to process before we continue our conversation.”

How you handle conflict in your marriage and family will determine what kind of relationships you experience.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

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SATURDAY Q&A 

16 Dec

SATURDAY Q&A 

 NOTE:  The following question and answer is from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

Question #1.  How can we become friends again after the children are gone?

Answer #1.  

The most important thing you can do is to begin to develop some common interests, some things you enjoy doing together.  Find something to share and make your relationship a priority.  Rediscovering or even rebuilding the common basis that you lost during the years when he spent all day at work and you spent all day with the kids will take time and hard work.

One of you need to take the steps to participate in an activity that the other already is involved in or interested in, so that the relationship can have a chance to grow.  The husband and wife need to reach a compromise, sacrificing their own rights and wishes for the ultimate good of the relationship.

You can also try to uncover a common cause, or a shared mission–some ministry that both of you can passionately support.  Couples across the nation have found their common cause in mentoring younger couples.  They are dedicating part of their lives to teaching others how to make marriages work and how to build godly homes through leading small groups in our HomeBuilders Couples Series.  These can be the best years of your life!

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 5) 

15 Dec

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 5) 

One of the main needs in every human beings life is to feel important.

The definition of “importance” means, of great significance or VALUE.

Your spouse needs to feel important!

Earl Wilson said, “If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

The choices you have are that you can either make your spouse feel important or someone else will.

Every human being is important, and God wants them to FEEL important.

Eph.2:10 “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…”

In His word He says that we are made in the image of God.

It doesn’t get anymore important than that.

Satan lied to Eve and the result was that satan hit her with the second spirit which was inferiority.

INFERIORITY means the feeling of being lowered in position or stature, or value.

In chapter one and two of Genesis God said man was made in his image.

Satan was saying to Eve, “Not only is God lying to you, you are not who you think you are.  You are less value than you think you are.”

The spirit of inferiority told Eve she was inferior.

Don’t you LISTEN when the enemy tells you that you are inferior.

Worse yet, don’t let the enemy tell you that your spouse in inferior.

The moment Eve felt insecure and inferior, she grabbed for something to give her a sense of security and VALUE.

When Eve ate the forbidden fruit, she lost the security (had to leave the garden), and lost value (no longer the image of God).

When your spouse feels insecure and inferior, there will be the same temptation to GRAB for something that will give them the sense of security and value.

Adam and Eve’s child was after their image.

The glory of God was their covering but they lost that when they grabbed a substitute.

The devil will always make your spouse feel insecure and inferior so they will grab for a SUBSTITUTE.

Here are some things you can do to show importance.

First:  Be polite.

Second: Don’t use criticism or condemn.

Third: Show appreciation.

Fourth: Listen to them.

Firth: Don’t argue

Sixth: Accept them for who they are.

There is nothing that makes you feel more important than to let others know how important THEY are.

Tell your spouse today how important they are and reap the rewards!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 4) 

14 Dec

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 4) 

One of the important needs in a human beings life is the need for SECURITY.

Security in a marriage is to have freedom from anxiety and fear.

We feel secure in our spouse when we are GUARANTEED that an obligation will be met.

Insecurity is the opposite because it is being subject to danger or injury.

The devils workplace is to make us feel INSECURE in our spouse.

Let’s see what he did in Genesis 3:1-4.  “Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the fields…Then the serpent said to the woman. “You will not surely die.” 

Eve’s whole security was based on God’s word.

In Gen.3:4 when the devil said that God was lying to her, a demon of insecurity made her feel insecure.

That is the enemy’s specialty to take God’s word and make it out to be a lie.

God’s love in our life provides SAFETY.

In marriage we unload each other’s baggage into each other’s life.

CASE AND POINT:  When you travel, everyone has to go through security.  Obviously, it is because of terrorism.  The tighter the airlines are on security, the better I like it.  Years ago I use to see travel bags completely wrapped up in some sort of cling wrap.  This was to keep airline employees from stealing things out of their bags.  It looked so funny to see suitcases with five layers of cling wrap.  By wrapping their own suitcases, it gave these passengers the security they needed.

Do you consider making your spouse feel secure?

Prov.31:11 “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no NEED of spoil.”

The word “spoil” means in Hebrew PREY.

Prey is a person who is the aim of an attack (especially a victim of ridicule or exploitation) by some hostile person or influence.

The bible says “the devil comes to kill steal and destroy.”

In other words, the devil is willing and waiting for your spouse to listen to his lies that you will never bring security to their life.

Does your spouse feel SAFE with you?

What can you do to help your spouse feel the security that he needs?

Is there something you can do to build his CONFIDENCE in you?

This is your opportunity to wrap all your spouse’s private information in the protective embrace of your love.

PROMISE to help your spouse with sensitivity and gentleness.

Offer support and listen with love.

Some of your spouse’s SECRETS are part of his history and makeup of who he is.

Your spouse will know that he is in a place of safety.

Do you want your spouse to draw back into himself and be LOST to you?

Make it your life’s work to making him feel secure and loved.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 3)

13 Dec

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 3)

 

 

Your spouse has a deep need within him to CONTRIBUTE.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to your spouse.

The word “contribution” means the part played by a person in bringing  about a result.

God made everyone of us with a desire to contribute something to society.

From the tiniest thing like picking up something a stranger has dropped and handing it to them.

It makes you feel like you have accomplished something that day.

CASE AND POINT:  My daughter is a real giver of her time.  We were laughing at her and her cousin because they spent a few days laying tile in her cousin’s house.  When she graduated from high school, instead of going to college, she babysat free of charge for a woman so she could go to college.  When I questioned her about this decision, her answer was that the woman had two children and needed a good education for a good paying job.  I wanted to pull my hair out when I heard her reasoning.  I wanted my daughter to go to college, not babysit so someone else could go.  God spoke to my heart and told me to not be a hypocrite.  I raised my children to do for others and give of their time, now I am getting ready to open my  “big mouth” and tell her to go to college before she has children.  My daughter has helped about a dozen girls with their wedding plans.  Taking them all over to buy their items and helping the bride’s dreams come true.  She takes care of children and spends her summer at a camp for abused children.  All this she does voluntarily from her heart.

I didn’t say all that to brag about my daughter, but to emphasize that all we do to contribute to someone else’s life, brings fulfillment to ours.

I didn’t say all this to make us FEEL all mushy and warm on the inside.

I said it because I am wondering how you act when your spouse wants to help someone.

Do you act like it is a Federal CRIME and you can’t handle it when your spouse is fulfilling a need for someone else?

This is exactly why God gave us talents and abilities that others don’t have so we can be of assistance to others.

Thereby they BENEFIT and so do we.

Prov.31:20 “She extends her hands to the poor…”

 Rom.15:26 “For it hath pleased them…to make a certain contribution…”

The word “contribution” in the Greek literally means partnership.

When anyone contributes to the success of others there is a partnership that takes place.

It forms a bond and God will always open opportunities for us to ADD to the lives of others.

Gal.6:10 “As we have opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.”

This is saying that whenever the Holy Spirit opens up an opportunity for you to help your church or other Christians, it is your first duty.

Learn to stay in your LANE and let your spouse have his space in his lane.

Your spouse is commanded to be a doer of the word, DO NOT stand in his path.

Stay in your lane!

NOTE:  Tomorrow we will discuss another need in your spouse’s life.

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 2) 

12 Dec

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 2) 

GROWTH is another very important human need that is a must for your spouse’s life.

GROWTH is a process of becoming larger or longer or more numerous or more important.

In Genesis, God tells us that he made man in His image but with that he gave man the power to grow, enlarge and become more important.

Gen.1:27-28 “…so God created man in his image…And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…”

These are powerful words:  Fruitful and Multiply.

The Hebrew word for “fruitful” means to grow, increase, and bring forth.

The Hebrew word for “multiply” means to enlarge, excel, grow up, increase, more and plentiful.

When I first got saved there was a poster that had a cute picture of a little boy and the caption read:” God Don’t Make No Junk.”

That is so true!

We are made in His image and he designed us to not just add to what we are, but to multiply what we are or think we are capable of.

We often learn of great people who have accomplished so much in their lives without arms, legs, sight or sound.

CASE AND POINT:  We have had Dave Roever visit our church a few times.  Every time I see or hear of him, my heart leaps.  This man had most of his face blown off during the Vietnam War during the sixties.  He had more than just his face blown off, he had vital organs destroyed and no one at the scene even thought he would make it.  God showed them the resurrecting power of the Holy Ghost!  He not only is alive, but he is a General in the army of the Lord.  Dave is one of the most beautiful loving men that our fellowship has ever met.  He devotes every minute of his life to the furtherance of the Gospel.  I must add, and is married to His sweetheart who waited for his return from Vietnam and is still nurturing him through his healing process.  What a precious, precious woman!!  Glory to God!!!

These are some biblical examples of areas of growth for us to pattern our lives after.

Prov.31:12 “She does him good and not evil ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

 Prov.31:15  “She also RISES WHILE IT IS YET NIGHT…”

 Prov.31:17  “She GIRDS HERSELF WITH STRENGTH, And STRENGTHENS HER ARMS.”

 Prov.31:26  “She OPENS HER MOUTH WITH WISDOM, And on HER TONGUE is the law of KINDNESS.”

Remember that the enemy of your marriage is terrified of you!!

You and your spouse have the power of the Holy Spirit to create, be fruitful and to multiply!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrows post which is a continuation and will help make your marriage a success.

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 1) 

11 Dec

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part 1) 

There are six important human needs that every spouse can’t do without.

First, the need to be FLEXIBLE.

The definition for “flexible” is the ability to adjust readily to different conditions.

In marriage, not only should we allow our partner to be flexible, we also need to be flexible.

So often I will be talking to someone that is married whose ideas are very RIGID.

This is a person whose incapable of adapting or changing to meet circumstances.

Let me be blunt!!!  A person like that should not be married.

You are about to make your spouse miserable!!

With a capital “M”!

A person like that usually will marry someone that will spend the rest of their life catering to them and them only.

There are people like that around but they are FEW.

Marriage should be a union where each spouse knows their place and giftedness and puts their talent and ability into use.

As they yield themselves to flexibility, they learn and find new OPPORTUNITIES to explore.

CASE AND POINT:  When we lived in England in the 1980’s, our church was in a town called “Eccles.”  There were people coming to our church, that had never been out of Eccles.  They had no need to leave and were very comfortable with their surroundings.  The problem was that you could drive five minutes in any direction and you would be out of Eccles. It is extremely small.

In Proverbs there are some descriptive words we need to explore.

Prov.31:19-20 “She stretches out her hands to the distaff (the staff on which wool  or flax is wound before spinning), and her hand holds the spindle (a stick used to twist the yarn in spinning).  She extends her hand to the poor,  Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.

It is not a coincidence that the words STRETCH, EXTEND and REACH are used.

Matt.5:41 “And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.”

 Jesus was not feeling sorry for anyone in this verse.

He wasn’t saying, “Oh, you poor thing!”

Jesus was saying the opposite, “Go the extra mile!”

 You need to go the other mile for your spouse.

Get out of Eccles!!!  Get out of your comfort zone!

Let your spouse get a new job, a new hobby, a new car, a new house, a new toy.

Next time you gain a few pounds and try to get into your old jeans, lets see how comfortable you are.

Those jeans start cutting into your skin and you end up with red sores at the seams.

Ask me how I know?  Lol!!

That is the same misery your spouse goes through when he has to play “Mother may I” and mom doesn’t play fair.

Remember your spouse married someone he could spend the rest of his life having FUN with.

In Malachi 2, it says that the wife is her husband’s COMPANION.

God designed you to be fun and flexible.

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET??

NOTE:  Tomorrow will be the continuation of the other five human needs in our life.