A CARD HE’LL KEEP FOREVER

22 Mar

A CARD HE’LL KEEP FOREVER

 

Prov.25:11  “The right word at the right time is like golden apples in silver jewelry.”  (NIRV)

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs suggests in his book “Love & Respect”, that we send our husbands a RESPECT CARD.

He states that through his research, men seldom keep cards from their wives that say she loves him and has hearts with Xs, and Os.

He said not to sign it, “I Love You”, because your husband knows that you love him.  He says to sign it “With All My Respect.”

He claims that your husband will keep that card FOREVER.

Why?  Because you are now speaking his language, RESPECT, and for him, that is very powerful.

I will go over the six concepts that will let him know how important and vital he is to you.  Ask yourself these questions then use your answers to express your appreciation to him.  Make it personal.

  1. CONQUEST – Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.
  2. HIERARCHY – Appreciate his desire to protect and provide.
  3. AUTHORITY – Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead.
  4. INSIGHT – Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.
  5. RELATIONSHIP – Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.
  6. SEXUALITY – Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.

Prov.12:4  “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown”  (NIV)

I remember helping a female relative through some tough times in her life.  It didn’t cost me a thing, I just encouraged her, called her on occasion, and let her know I was available for her and her family.  Years later, I saw her at a family function where she told me she had always wanted to send me a letter of thanks.  Obviously, I told her that was not necessary.  Years after that she sent me a letter.  She was very specific in how she felt.  I remember the words stating that I was like a sister to her at her time of need and that she will never forget it.  I don’t have a sister, so that letter meant quite a bit to me.  I have kept the card and letter.

You may have already decided that you are not going to participate in this assignment.

Maybe you feel, well I’m not going to do something that isn’t coming from my heart just cause everyone else will do it.

Sad to say, but your husband probably already realizes that you try harder to impress strangers than you try to impress him, the man who is suppose to be the most important person in your life.

Prov.31:11-12 “The heart of her husband doth safely TRUST in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him GOOD and not evil ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

Your husband only has YOU!!!  HE ONLY HAS HIS WIFE.

No one else has the privilege to send him a RESPECT CARD, only you.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrows post!!

STONEWALLING

21 Mar

STONEWALLING

What does it represent?

Everyone knows what a “stonewall” is.  It is a wall or fence made of any type of stone.

The word stonewalling has a different definition but BOY ARE THEY RELATED.

The definition of “stonewalling” is:  Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.

We call it the “silent treatment” and it is mainly used by husbands.

BUT  WHY?!?

I will continue today using comments out of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book on “Love and Respect”.   It is a must read for married couples.

We have discussed how when a wife criticizes her husband, she thinks she is helping him.

Prov.12:18 “…thoughtless words cut like a sword.”

 The husband usually interprets it as HUMILIATION.

He says to himself, “I don’t deserve this kind of talk.”

When a husband “stonewalls” his wife, it is a WARNING SIGNAL.

Unfortunately, “stonewalling” aggravates her and causes her to criticize even more because she feels her assistance is being refused.

Even though she criticizes out of LOVE, he only hears DISRESPECT.

In Professor John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict.  A man’s blood pressure and heart rate rises much higher and stays elevated much longer than his wife’s.  Nothing escalates on a woman and she thinks that the conversation is increasing love between them.  The husband on the other hand sees an argument coming on and he feels he will lose respect.  At this point the husband will become quiet or walk away by himself.

If she asks him why he has walked away, he will tell her that he is trying not to react.

He is trying to do the HONORABLE and RESPECTABLE thing.

A wife gets so hurt by this action because she receives it as rejection and unloving.

STAY WITH ME LADIES!  If your husband is a pathological “stonewaller” then it could  mean that you at times have been a pathological criticizer and complainer.  Ouch!!

OUCH!!  OUCH!!   Okay, we got through that!   NOW WHAT?!?

The more the wife complains, the more the husband withdraws.  The more the husband withdraws, the more the wife complains.  WE ARE BACK ON THE CRAZY CYCLE.

Prov. 12:4 A wife “who brings shame“ on her husband “is like sickness to his bones” NIRV.

Have you been his mommy, his teacher, or his holy spirit?

Emerson says the next action from the husband is called the coup de grace.

Look it up girls and beware.  This is when he gets up and walks out as a bitter, hostile unloving human being and leaves his wife.

Then the divorce which is a funeral that never ends, BEGINS.

The coup de grace is the “death blow.”

Coup de grace means the blow that kills.

STOP CRITICIZING!!!  Stonewalling is the warning signal.

GET OFF MY AIR HOSE!!

20 Mar

GET OFF MY AIR HOSE!!

I CAN’T BREATHE!!

It came out in the news a story about a married couple who went scuba diving.  The wife died because something happened to her air hose.  Someone else who was scuba diving with them and was in the area, took a picture of them.  The picture shows the husband swimming away as he is starring at her drowning.  He actually taught scuba diving and would show the proper procedure to share air tanks if  someone has a malfunction.  There was a trial for murder going on due to the fact that he could have saved her and did not.

I remember when I heard this story that I was so mad at her husband for not helping her.  They were investigating to see if he did something to her hose to kill her.

This may sound like a terrible story, but how many of us are doing the same thing to our spouse.

Today we will once again use comments that were taken from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book “Love and Respect”.  (I recommend this as a must read for all married couples.)

We will be going over the New Testament marriage treatise of love and respect that is stated in  Eph.5:33 “…husband…love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.”

In Corinthian it states that husbands and wives should care for their spouse.

1Cor.7:33-34 “…husband… be concerned…how he should please his wife…and the wife…be concerned about…how she may please her husband.”

CASE AND POINT:  Scientific researcher Dr. John Gottman’s findings confirm what  Scripture has said for two thousand years.  He is a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington.  The professor led a research team for twenty years, studying two thousand couples who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner.  These couples were from diverse backgrounds but the one thing that was similar was the tone of their conversations.  Gottman said that as these couples talked with each other, almost always, there was a “strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: LOVE and RESPECT.

In Ephesians the Apostle Paul must be speaking straight from Gods heart.

He is saying that the husband MUST LOVE (agape) his wife unconditionally. And the wife MUST RESPECT her husband unconditionally.

God is not commanding the wife to love (agape) her husband in this verse because he has designed that already in her nature.

But in Titus 2:4 older women are instructed to encourage younger women to love their husbands.

In Titus 2:4 this love is not “agape”.  He uses the Greek word “phileo” which is the human, brotherly kind of love.

A young wife, will never stop unconditionally loving (agape) her husband and children.

She may start to lack love (phileo) and become very discouraged through the wear and tear of daily life.

Are your motives filled with AGAPE, but your methods lack PHILEO?

When your husband acts in ways that are unloving to you, do you react in ways that feel disrespectful to him.

When you feel that your husband is not loving you, even if he is not aware of it, you feel like you can’t breathe.

The same is true of you.  When you disrespect your husband, you are standing on his air hose and he can’t breathe!

As his air hose starts to leak, because of all the little cuts you have thrown his way, he is definitely going to REACT.

HE IS SUFFOCATING!!!

Well, now you are back on the CRAZY CYCLE.

Men will emphasize to their wives, that when they hear negative criticism they interpret it as disrespect.

When your husband can’t take it any longer, he will walk out and that is his way of saying, “I don’t love you anymore.”

Men have an HONOR CODE.  Your husband doesn’t want to fight verbally or physically.

Both you and your husband may have basic goodwill, and you may just feel that you are trying to help him.

YOU ARE ON YOUR HUSBANDS AIR HOSE!!

Sad that our husbands have to go to total strangers to get the respect that they deserve.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT TODAY!!

Respecting your husband is your job, not a stranger at his work.

NOTE:  Don’ t miss tomorrows post.  It is a continuation of this.

A Stepchilds Heartbreak

19 Mar

TRUE STORY

A Stepchilds Heartbreak

NOTE:  The following is the testimony of a stepchilds hurts.  Although it was for just a very short period that the marriage lasted, it still made an impact that will last a lifetime.  I am posting this today because once again, statistics show that every child alive today, one out of two will either be a stepchild or be a step parent.

When I was about 10 years old, my mother got married. I was raised with 2 sisters. We all handled their marriages differently because of our ages. My younger sister was 6 and my older sister was about 12. Up until that point, my sisters and I shared everything with my mom. My father had never been a part of my life, so my mom had done all things alone, to the best of her abilities. It was never easy, but we were happy. When I found out my mom was going to re-marry, I guess it didn’t bother me at first. I thought I might have the opportunity to have a father figure in my life.
​When my mom left for her honeymoon with her new husband, I just could not understand why we couldn’t go with her. It was the longest week of my life. Believe it or not, I experienced feelings of rejection from that. My life, as well as the lives of my sisters, changed after that day. I never did have the opportunity to have that father figure that I desired and we no longer had the mother we once knew.
​As a child, I had a lot of expectations for this marriage. I saw my mom, the person we looked up to, the prayer warrior, go through depression from this marriage. One day, it was pouring rain and my older sister and I had to walk a 2-3 mile walk home from school only to find out, when we walked in the door, that my mom was home and had forgotten us. She would forget to do very important things in our lives, which caused so much resentment, as well as other feelings towards her and the whole situation.
​As a teenager, I accepted Christ into my life and begin to lock into several different ministries that were offered for my age. With help from God, and much Godly counsel from several women that were in my life, I was able to overcome all of the areas in my life that had caused me so much pain. I was able to forgive, and see my mom through God’s eyes. I am so grateful that my mother raised us in church and worked so hard to support my sisters and me.
Although you and your children may not have had the same experiences that I had as a child in a step family home, most children in step family homes have so many feelings they don’t even understand. God created us to have a family with our mom and dad. The devil does everything in his power to destroy that. In the after math, children have to live with the reality that they will never have their mother and father, together, in their lives. Even when they are in a home with great stepparents, many times, it is not the same for them. That doesn’t mean that as a parent you have done a bad job. They are still children and can’t help how they feel.

Children in stepfamilies have thoughts and feelings that go along with your marriage.
Don’t leave your child out.
Keep a close relationship with them.
Receive counsel if you are experiencing problems with your child and if everything is fine. Proverbs 15:22
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Your child might have been fine with your new marriage as a child but, as a teenager, they may feel much different.

A NOTE FROM NANCY:  We have discussed before and I will give a quick summation of the teaching for parents and children.  DON’T try to get your spouse to love your children the way he loves his.  It may never happen!!  Nor should you try to get your children to love their stepparent the way they love their biological parent.  That is so torcherous to all involved.  What you want to aim for is: ACCEPTANCE, TRUST and RESPECT.  That will work because we all need to accept everyone for who they are, faults and all.  Show respect to them as you do any stranger and learn to trust God to show you the areas that the person could be trusted in.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY QUESTION & ANSWER

18 Mar

SATURDAY QUESTION & ANSWER

Question #1  I know I am called to be a pastor’s wife.  What is the most important thing to learn now while I am single in order to be what my husband needs as a partner?

Answer #1  Great question!  Before I get into the heart of your question, I would like to make some comments that are of great value.  First, marry a man that you can respect.  Remember that this man will be the father of your children and grandfather to your grandchildren.  Many girls have made the mistake of marrying someone who is cute and nice to them.  They don’t consider how he gets along with people at church, work, and his family.

First you must believe God about who He says He is, and believe God about who He say you are.

Second, you must respect your husband.  Remember that you are his companion.  So your second job is to take care of him.  Only he knows what he will expect of you as a wife.  Make sure that you get good marital counceling so you learn each others expectations.  If his family is taken care of, then he can serve God with a full mind and heart.

Third, is the church.  What people mainly will want from you is just encouragement.  Most of the questions asked from women are on marriage and children.  Learn as much as you can on those two subjects.

Store up prayers and praises for the future.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

THE CRAZY CYCLE!

17 Mar

THE  CRAZY  CYCLE!

Do you want some PEACE?  Do you want to be UNDERSTOOD?

Take a few moments to read this post today

This will change your marriage and your life!!

I have to first tell you what I believe to be one of the best, if not the BEST  BOOK ON MARRIAGE.  “Love & Respect”  by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

This is a must for every marriage.  I recommend for each spouse to have their own copy and to write in it what God is showing you.

I will try and share some of the comments that are in his book with you.

CASE AND POINT:  This book changed my marriage and gave me the confidence that I could be the wife that I wanted to be and that God wanted me to be.  It is still my decision to apply the principles and Gods word to my marriage.  What I loved best, was the knowledge that I could turn my marriage around just by doing my part.  I don’t need a perfect husband, I just need to be obedient to Gods word!

THIS WORKS SO “LISTEN UP”!!

There is one scripture that will change everything, Ephesians 5:33.

Eph.5:33 “…let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.”

 

This is God’s MARRIAGE TREATISE and you need to mark it in your bible.

Every month I speak at the Los Angeles County Women’s Jail in Lynwood.  Any woman getting arrested in L.A. County goes to this jail.  Every month I tell the women this verse and tell them how they can turn their marriage around just on their own by respecting their husband.  I also have purchased this book and the chaplain gives them to any wife that asks for it.

For every 100 inmates, there are 200 children that will end up in a divorced home.  The statistics show that 50% of inmates have spouses that divorce them while in jail.  The other 50% who don’t end up divorced, a year after they get released, 75% of them end up in divorce.  So these children are first struggling with a parent being in jail, then they have to cope with living with just one parent or no parents.  After that, then coping with a divorce.  Just one of those issues is traumatic, but they are expected to deal with all three.

 

This is why I go to the jail, and this is the burden that God has laid on my heart.  PLEASE PRAY FOR THESE KIDS!!!

The journey to a satisfying marriage is NEVER OVER, so submit yourself wholeheartedly to Gods design for marriage.

There is no limit to the extent that you can IMPROVE your marriage.

Remember your husband was made to be respected and he expects to be respected.

When respect does not occur, he reacts WITHOUT  LOVE.

This is the CRAZY CYCLE.

Paul is saying in Ephesians 5:33 that wives need love and husbands need respect.

A wife is called to love even an unloving husband but it makes it especially hard to respect him.

The “Crazy Cycle” is described in Eccles.7:25 “…the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness.”

Be careful wives, because expressing dislike to your husband concerning something, can be interpreted as DISRESPECT.

God made us to be a link and he gifted us and entrusted us to do a good job.

YOU GO GIRL!!    We can do all things through Christ!!

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

16 Mar

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

Today we are going to learn to fight like a girl, wives.

When I first accepted Christ, there was a verse that drove me nuts!!!

I really wanted to rip it out of my bible.

It was Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

I drew the conclusion that it meant I was not to have an OPINION or a PERSONALITY.

It seemed like everywhere I went, somebody was teaching on “submission.”

BOY WAS I WRONG!! THAT IS NOT WHAT IT MEANS AT ALL!!

The apostle Paul was continuing his thought from Eph.5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”

In this scripture Paul was letting everyone know that they must submit to each other in order to accomplish something for the kingdom of God.

In Ephesians 6, Paul had spoke about CHILDREN submitting to their parents.

Paul was trying to show the great importance of the Christian marriage and he expressed the importance of a wife to submit to her husband.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

It means that you recognize there is an order of authority in the family.

It shows that you recognize that there is an order of authority in the Christian family and as a wife, you are a part of an ordained TEAM.

You are NOT more important than the working team.

When you submit to God, it means that you recognize that authority.
When you submit to the police, it means that you recognize that authority.
When you submit to your employer, it means that you recognize that authority.

Submission does not means INFERIORITY or SILENCE!!

Submission means sub-mission!!

In other words girls, it means that you are on a MISSION!

WE ARE HERE TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!

Our “mission” is to OBEY and GLORIFY our LORD.

That “mission” is more important than your individual desires.

You are not putting yourself under your husband. You are submitting yourself under the commission of God for your family

.
What do the words mean, ”…as unto the LORD

1. Your submission to your husband is part of your Christian walk.
2. This is a different way of life for you, that sets you apart.
3. This has nothing to do with your husbands intelligence, giftedness or capabilities.
4. This has nothing to do with whether your husband is right on a particular issue. It has to do with Jesus being right.

If you are not married, you better find a guy you can respect. RESPECT!

You might say, “Why should I obey him if I think he is wrong?

SUBMISSION IS TESTED IN DISAGREEMENT!!

How would you know that you are submissive if nothing ever happens in your marriage that you DISAGREE with?

Fight like a girl, fight for your mission!

SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION!
SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION!
SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION! FIGHT FOR YOUR MISSION!

NOTE: Don’t miss tomorrows post. Daily there is a new post.