MARRIAGE IS FOR GROWN UPS!

18 Oct

 

MARRIAGE IS FOR GROWN UPS!

 Marriage is for grown ups.

Every time you get mad, you are in a NARCISSISTIC moment.

What we want becomes sacred; what the other person wants becomes silent.

When it comes to YOUR achievements and talents, do you exaggerate them or downplay them?

Narcissism is an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself.

Narcissism says, “I don’t care what is going on with you, it is all about me.”

Do you think that kind of an attitude will work in marriage?

How is it WORKING in your marriage??

Don’t turn the volume down when it comes to listening as your husband expresses his concerns.

When voices go up, the ABILITY to intake goes down.

Do you feel indignant (wronged) when your spouse’s behavior doesn’t comply with your expectations?  (frequently or rarely)

The single best measure of being emotionally healthy and being a grownup is the capacity for bilateral (2-sided) listening.

There are two speakers and they both count.

A person is narcissistic when all they HEAR is their own thoughts and interpretations of the concerns.

When it comes to your spouse, do you catch yourself fishing for compliments?  How about from other people?

CASE AND POINT:  When a tennis player is on the tennis court playing, they make mistakes all the time.  When they have missed a shot, they only have 25 seconds to get their emotions back into control before the next serve comes their way.  Many of them have therapists who teach them how to get their emotions focused for the next ball and off the anger of messing up that last ball.  They ask themselves what they can do to be more affective on their next play.

If an unsaved tennis player can be taught restraint by their therapist, why can’t a Christian do that in their own marriage.

You have God’s word to give you the knowledge, and the Holy Spirit to give you the guidance.

Deut.30:19 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life that both you and your descendants may life…”

What you do and how you act, affects your children and their children and your children’s children……etc.

Marriage isn’t a game, but why can’t you stop and ask the Holy Spirit to make you more affective on your next play?

Do you always have to have it YOUR way?

Can you pass the test of being a child of God or will you pass the test of being narcissistic?

The CHOICE is yours.

You can change today!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

 REBUILD THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

17 Oct

 REBUILD THE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

God is into restoring our marriages if we give him the reins.

It is the responsibility of both spouses to REBUILD the marriage relationship.

There are many examples of biblical restoration of relationships.

One is the restoration of God back to his adulterous children of Israel.  (Joel 2:25)

Jer.30:17 “For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord…”

 Other relationships restored were:  Paul and John Mark (Acts 15:36), Jacob and Esau (Gen.27:4), Prodigal Son and father (Luke 5:11-32).

*  Don’t react to feelings.

Don’t be preoccupied with YOUR feelings.

You will have the fear of being hurt that will try to overpower you.

Try to  avoid the following:

  • Trying to control your spouse.
  • Giving them the silent treatment.
  • Withdrawing from intimacy.
  • Seeking revenge.
  • Acting like a martyr.
*  Allow time for healing.

It will take time to LEARN each others needs, feelings and expectations.

This process takes patience.

WAITING on God to do the work shows your trust in him.

*  Home Environment.

Maintain a STABLE home environment.

Practice humility even when your emotions are telling you that you deserve to express revenge.

Maintain an atmosphere of “love” in the home.

Strive everyday to build a SAFE emotional environment.

Make your sexual relationship a priority.

*  Don’t be on the defensive.

Beware of self-righteousness.

There NEEDS to be openness and listening.

Keep in mind that you are his companion, so find occasions to have fun.

Are your expectations REASONABLE?

Are you doing anything that is causing your spouse to escape his commitments?

This is a good time for self-examination on how you can become the person your spouse and family need you to be.

Ask the Holy Spirit for GUIDANCE.

Partner with the Holy Spirit to make your marriage a success.

You will reap the REWARDS of a grateful spouse.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

  STEPPARENTING IS A DIFFICULT TASK

16 Oct

  STEPPARENTING IS A DIFFICULT TASK

If you or your spouse have children from a first marriage, you are taking on a very difficult task.

I have taken a portion from the book,”Helping Children Survive Divorce” by Dr. Archibald D. Hart.

Your family will need to make a series of important adjustments.

These adjustments fall into three clearly identifiable phrases.

First, there is the “honeymoon” phase.

Everyone is polite to each other.

The atmosphere may be a little strained, but no outward friction is evident yet.

Second, there is the “conflict” phase.

The  honeymoon is over and reality emerges.

Everyone is short-tempered, impatient, and intolerant even of small mistakes.

Little things irritate, and at times it seems as if the family will blow apart.

Third, There is the “contented” phase.

If the marriage survives the second stage, a final contented stage emerges.

All the necessary adjustments have been made, the corners have been knocked off tempers, and the irritating habits of the new spouse have become acceptable to all.

At last, familiarity brings comfort.

Making it to the third stage requires careful attention to the following points:

*  Do not force a new spouse to become a substitute parent to your children, even if your ex-spouse has totally abandoned this role.

*  Don’t rush the second phase of the remarriage process.

*  Keep communication with your children open at all times.

*  Don’t take sides, either with your children or with your new spouse.

*  Remind your new spouse that it is very normal for children, especially in the early stages of remarriage to feel a sense of betrayal and to be angry.

*  Keep all discipline free of anger.

Please note that we make every effort to encourage people not to divorce.  Children suffer even through adulthood.  This is to help those who have already remarried or are thinking of remarriage.  It is a long hard road and there is a 74% divorce rate.  This is to help those who have already remarried.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

GOD’S MASTER DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

15 Oct

GOD’S MASTER DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

If you’ve ever sewn a dress, you know how a pattern works.

When you begin, you don’t have a garment, but only some scraps of cloth.

When it’s properly fitted together and made usable with buttons, a zipper, or snaps, however, these incomplete pieces make a whole dress.

Every pattern has pairs of parts: two sleeves, two bodice pieces, a front and back skirt; even the collar and facing pieces usually come in twos.

That’s how it is in marriage.

God has designed a master pattern for husbands and wives that, when followed, will create a whole, usable, beautiful marriage.

I have experienced many frustrations in trying to fit in my part of the marriage pattern with my husband’s.

At times it felt too hard.

Yet I know by faith, and am convinced by experience, that God’s pattern for me as a wife is not meant to restrict my creativity in expressing who I am.

If I trust the pattern, the finished products reflects the full beauty that its Creator intended.

When this becomes a reality in my life, I experience oneness with God, oneness with my husband, and a real freedom to be all that God made me to be.

NOTE:  This article is from the book “Family life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

 TOTAL SURRENDER

14 Oct

 TOTAL SURRENDER

WHEN GOD CALLED OUT, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” (6:8), Isaiah had a clear choice to make. Would he remain committed to his own petty concerns, or would he submit himself totally to his Lord? The prophet made his choice when he replied, “Here am I! Send me.

Isaiah understood that God was the master and he was the servant. He knew that situation called for total surrender, without reservation. While many see this type of service as lowly-and it is humbling-we should consider it a privilege to serve such a loving Lord in every area of our lives… including our marriages.

In 1972, the first year of our marriage, barbara and I decided that before we would give anything to each other, we would surrender our lives, totally and completely, in writing, to Jesus christ. We gave Him everything we ever dreamed of having. We offered it all up and handed over to Him the title deed to our lives. Today those two title deeds are among the most important papers we have.

That first Christmas together, Barbara sat down in our kitchen, and I went to our sparsely furnished living room and took a seat on the hand-me-down sofa. There we sat contemplating giving God all that we had and everything we hoped to have as a couple and as a family. She made her list, I made mine.

What we gave God was what we felt was most important on that day. I gave Him my desires for a successful ministry, nice furniture and things, plenty of money, staying healthy, and some nice ski equipment Barbara’s list was similar-a house with a fireplace and a bay window, children (at least one boy and one girl) who would honor God, her rights to be settled and stable.

Looking back, what we signed over to God on that day seems so trivial now compared to what He has given us. In many instances what He gave us was far more than we ever dreamed or imagined. I see that we gave Him what was already His: our lives. In return, He has given us “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think” (Eph. 3:20). As human beings we mistakenly think that surrendering our lives to the God of the universe is the loss of our lives. In reality, total surrender to God brings not total defeat, but total victory!

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

TIME TO ENJOY ONE ANOTHER

13 Oct

TIME TO ENJOY ONE ANOTHER

EVERY WOMAN NEEDS TO FEEL safe and secure with her husband. She needs to feel his commitment to stay married, his commitment to love her and accept her so that she can feel it is safe to give him this gift of who she is in the marriage relationship. In chapter 7, the Shulamite woman says, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me” (v. 10). Can you feel her sense of contentment and security?

And then note one of the ways that a husband can foster this sense of security in his wife-by going away with her for a special time away from normal responsibilities.”Come, my beloved,” she says, “let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards…There I will give you my love” (vv. 11, 12). She invites him to go into a secluded spot, and there they are going to have a picnic and enjoy physical food that satisfies hunger and sexual food that satisfied their souls.

This passage demonstrates the power of a romantic getaway. For a husband to meet his wife’s needs, and vice versa, they need to give each other time just to enjoy one another. Stay up late talking without having to get up the next morning,

Barbara and I have committed to going on getaways like this at least a couple of times each year. We have three purposes for these weekends away. The first is to spend time together with one another and with God-just a quiet time to listen to the Lord, to pray together, to sit and be quiet. A good portion of a weekend getaway might be just sitting by a fire with our feet propped up. We don’t go anywhere, don’t answer phones…we just sit quietly and talk if we feel like it, or we read a book. Or we might take a long walk and talk about whatever we want.

A second purpose for our getaways is planning. We pull out the calendar and we talk about where we’re headed for the next week, the next month, the next six months, and the next year. We talk about vacations, work trips, family reunions, anything we need to talk about.

And then the third purpose is romance and pure pleasure. Just an opportunity to reconnect, soul to soul, heart to heart, and yes, body to body.

Getaways like these are a good time to get away and enjoy romance and a refreshing of our relationship with one another.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Dailey there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

HONOR YOUR HUSBAND WHEN HE FAILS

12 Oct

 

HONOR YOUR HUSBAND WHEN HE FAILS

A man’s greatest need is to be honored, especially  by his wife.

Almost any woman is willing to honor a man who succeeds and is doing well.

What separates a mature wife from the rest is how she responds when her husband fails.

This is the test of true honor.

During a marriage, every husband is bound to do something wrong.

He will fail in some capacity.

If a wife cannot still honor him at those times, she may end up with a wounded and dishonored husband.

I’ll never forget the Sunday I asked an older couple in our church to share their testimony about marriage.

After 30 years of marriage, they were madly in love.

I just knew everyone would benefit from their story.

The woman began by saying something that stunned me.

With her loving, sacrificial, distinguished husband right next to her, she detailed how, at the beginning of their marriage, he was such a lousy husband!

He didn’t know how to manage money.

He never spent any time at home.

They were broke, and he worked all the time.

He was insensitive to her needs.

He never prayed or led the family spiritually.

She said even more than that, letting loose all those negative comments with her husband right there by her side.

And he was smiling the whole time!

I couldn’t believe it.

As she concluded her remarks, this godly woman said something every woman needs to hear:

“When my husband and I began to have all our trouble early in our marriage, I knew I had a choice to make.  I could nag him and try to change him, or I could even leave him.  But in my heart, I knew none of those things were right.”

She continued:  “So I finally decided to let him fail and let God correct him as I honored and loved him.  After a period of time of praying for him and letting him fail, I saw God begin to change my husband right before my eyes.  Today, I have a righteous husband who loves me and meets my needs.”

The man she was standing with was not the man she married.

He was much, much better.

He didn’t get that way because she nagged him or demanded that he change.

He got that way because his wife treated him with respect.

What a powerful testimony!

Seldom will we make progress in a relationship by dishonoring a person or trying to force them to change.

The only way to do it is through prayer and treating them better than they deserve.

Ladies, don’t get me wrong:  You should absolutely feel free to express your disagreement to your husband at any time and about anything.

The last thing you should become is a doormat or an emotionless robot.

But when you tell him how you feel, do it with kindness and respect.

Treat him the way you want to be treated.

Honor him and pray for him.

Don’t nag.

Don’t become manipulative.

Don’t become irritable.

You may win a few battles with those tactics, but you’ll always lose the war.

Let your husband fail.

If you honor him even when he knows he doesn’t deserve it, God will use it in a powerful way.

He will deepen your husband’s love for you as He changes your husband’s heart.

NOTE:  This article is written by Jimmy Evans.  (Jimmy Evans Ministry)

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.