19 Mar


Everyone knows what a “stonewall” is.  It is a wall or fence made of any type of stone.

The word stonewalling has a different definition but BOY ARE THEY RELATED.

The definition of “stonewalling” is:  Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.

We call it the “silent treatment” and it is mainly used by husbands.


I will continue today using comments out of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book on “Love and Respect”.   It is a must read for married couples.

We have discussed how when a wife criticizes her husband, she thinks she is helping him.

Prov.12:18 “…thoughtless words cut like a sword.”

 The husband usually interprets it as HUMILIATION.

He says to himself, “I don’t deserve this kind of talk.”

When a husband “stonewalls” his wife, it is a WARNING SIGNAL.

Unfortunately, “stonewalling” aggravates her and causes her to criticize even more because she feels her assistance is being refused.

Even though she criticizes out of LOVE, he only hears DISRESPECT.

In Professor John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict.  A man’s blood pressure and heart rate rises much higher and stays elevated much longer than his wife’s.  Nothing escalates on a woman and she thinks that the conversation is increasing love between them.  The husband on the other hand sees an argument coming on and he feels he will lose respect.  At this point the husband will become quiet or walk away by himself.

If she asks him why he has walked away, he will tell her that he is trying not to react.

He is trying to do the HONORABLE and RESPECTABLE thing.

A wife gets so hurt by this action because she receives it as rejection and unloving.

STAY WITH ME LADIES!  If your husband is a pathological “stonewaller” then it means that you are a pathological criticizer and complainer.  Ouch!!

OUCH!!  OUCH!!   Okay, we got through that!   NOW WHAT?!?

The more the wife complains, the more the husband withdraws.  The more the husband withdraws, the more the wife complains.  WE ARE BACK ON THE CRAZY CYCLE.

Prov. 12:4 A wife “who brings shame“ on her husband “is like sickness to his bones” NIRV.


Have you been his mommy, his teacher, or his holy spirit?

Emerson says the next action from the husband is called the coup de grace.

Look it up girls and beware.  This is when he gets up and walks out as a bitter, hostile unloving human being and leaves his wife.

Then the divorce which is a funeral that never ends, BEGINS.

The coup de grace is the “death blow.”

Coup de grace means the blow that kills.

STOP CRITICIZING!!!  Stonewalling is the warning signal.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.



18 Mar


THE BIBLE REPEATEDLY TEACHES that growth cannot occur without a teachable heart.  A teachable spirit is one of the most important components in any marriage.

A growing desire to learn requires the ability to freely admit fault and to ask forgiveness.  Ultimately, it means a willingness to do what is right and what God wants, regardless of the personal sacrifice or cost.  At the heart of teachability lies humility.

The foreigners who settled the towns vacated by the exiled Israelites had to humble themselves and learn what God required of those who would inhabit His land.  Many of them died because they did not fear the Lord (2Kings 17:24-27).

It is imperative in our relationships to retain our ability to say, “I have not arrived,” “I have more to learn,” and “Please help me develop in this area.”  Regularly ask God to give you and your mate teachable hearts willing to do all He has commanded.

“But my mate is not teachable!”  you object.  Then begin to pray now that he or she will hunger and thirst for progress and not get satisfied with mediocrity.  Also, model a teachable heart.  Teachability can be contagious!  You may be the best example of this humble virtue your mate ever sees.

NOTE:  This article came from Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.


17 Mar


Have you made the decision that, no matter what, your spouse is number one (obviously, after Jesus Christ)?  You married each other for life.  You are not guaranteed how long that life together will be.  Putting your spouse first says, in effect, “I choose to make the most of whatever time we will share on this earth.”

At one level, this means making sure your mutual needs for romance and physical oneness get met.  At another level, it means choosing to give each other the gift of mutually pleasing one another however you can.

Do you have a heart for your spouse and his or her needs?  Do you show appreciation for your mate’s efforts to remain pure in thinking and faithful to you in your marriage?  Do you value how God designed him or her and show it with any kind of admiration and gratitude?

It has been said that less than 20 percent of all married couples have conversations about sex.  Is that true of you?  Do the two of you talk about what you like and don’t like?  Do you know what would please your mate?  You can’t enflame your romance if you don’t know each other’s needs and what would communicate love to your spouse.

NOTE:  This article came from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.


16 Mar


It came out in the news a story about a married couple who went scuba diving.  The wife died because something happened to her air hose.  Someone else who was scuba diving with them and was in the area, took a picture of them.  The picture shows the husband swimming away as he is starring at her drowning.  He actually taught scuba diving and would show the proper procedure to share air tanks if  someone has a malfunction.  There was a trial for murder going on due to the fact that he could have saved her and did not.

I remember when I heard this story that I was so mad at her husband for not helping her.  They were investigating to see if he did something to her hose to kill her.

This may sound like a terrible story, but how many of us are doing the same thing to our spouse.

Today we will once again use comments that were taken from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book “Love and Respect”.  (I recommend this as a must read for all married couples.)

We will be going over the New Testament marriage treatise of love and respect that is stated in  Eph.5:33 “…husband…love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.”

In Corinthian it states that husbands and wives should care for their spouse.

1Cor.7:33-34 “…husband… be concerned…how he should please his wife…and the wife…be concerned about…how she may please her husband.”

CASE AND POINT:  Scientific researcher Dr. John Gottman’s findings confirm what  Scripture has said for two thousand years.  He is a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington.  The professor led a research team for twenty years, studying two thousand couples who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner.  These couples were from diverse backgrounds but the one thing that was similar was the tone of their conversations.  Gottman said that as these couples talked with each other, almost always, there was a “strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: LOVE and RESPECT.

In Ephesians the Apostle Paul must be speaking straight from Gods heart.

He is saying that the husband MUST LOVE (agape) his wife unconditionally. And the wife MUST RESPECT her husband unconditionally.

God is not commanding the wife to love (agape) her husband in this verse because he has designed that already in her nature.

But in Titus 2:4 older women are instructed to encourage younger women to love their husbands.

In Titus 2:4 this love is not “agape”.  He uses the Greek word “phileo” which is the human, brotherly kind of love.

A young wife, will never stop unconditionally loving (agape) her husband and children.

She may start to lack love (phileo) and become very discouraged through the wear and tear of daily life.

Are your motives filled with AGAPE, but your methods lack PHILEO?

When your husband acts in ways that are unloving to you, do you react in ways that feel disrespectful to him.

When you feel that your husband is not loving you, even if he is not aware of it, you feel like you can’t breathe.

The same is true of you.  When you disrespect your husband, you are standing on his air hose and he can’t breathe!

As his air hose starts to leak, because of all the little cuts you have thrown his way, he is definitely going to REACT.


Well, now you are back on the CRAZY CYCLE.

Men will emphasize to their wives, that when they hear negative criticism they interpret it as disrespect.

When your husband can’t take it any longer, he will walk out and that is his way of saying, “I don’t love you anymore.”

Men have an HONOR CODE.  Your husband doesn’t want to fight verbally or physically.

Both you and your husband may have basic goodwill, and you may just feel that you are trying to help him.


Sad that our husbands have to go to total strangers to get the respect that they deserve.


Respecting your husband is your job, not a stranger at his work.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.


15 Mar


Do you want some PEACE?  Do you want to be UNDERSTOOD?

Take a few moments to read this post today

This will change your marriage and your life!!

I have to first tell you what I believe to be one of the best, if not the BEST  BOOK ON MARRIAGE.  “Love & Respect”  by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

This is a must for every marriage.  I recommend for each spouse to have their own copy and to write in it what God is showing you.

I will try and share some of the comments that are in his book with you.

CASE AND POINT:  This book changed my marriage and gave me the confidence that I could be the wife that I wanted to be and that God wanted me to be.  It is still my decision to apply the principles and Gods word to my marriage.  What I loved best, was the knowledge that I could turn my marriage around just by doing my part.  I don’t need a perfect husband, I just need to be obedient to Gods word!


There is one scripture that will change everything, Ephesians 5:33.

Eph.5:33 “…let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.”

 This is God’s MARRIAGE TREATISE and you need to mark it in your bible.

Every month I speak at the Los Angeles County Women’s Jail in Lynwood.  Any woman getting arrested in L.A. County goes to this jail.  Every month I tell the women this verse and tell them how they can turn their marriage around just on their own by respecting their husband.  I also have purchased this book and the chaplain gives them to any wife that asks for it.

For every 100 inmates, there are 200 children that will end up in a divorced home.  The statistics show that 50% of inmates have spouses that divorce them while in jail.  The other 50% who don’t end up divorced, a year after they get released, 75% of them end up in divorce.  So these children are first struggling with a parent being in jail, then they have to cope with living with just one parent or no parents.  After that, then coping with a divorce.  Just one of those issues is traumatic, but they are expected to deal with all three.

This is why I go to the jail, and this is the burden that God has laid on my heart.  PLEASE PRAY FOR THESE KIDS!!!

The journey to a satisfying marriage is NEVER OVER, so submit yourself wholeheartedly to Gods design for marriage.

There is no limit to the extent that you can IMPROVE your marriage.

Remember your husband was made to be respected and he expects to be respected.

When respect does not occur, he reacts WITHOUT  LOVE.

This is the CRAZY CYCLE.

Paul is saying in Ephesians 5:33 that wives need love and husbands need respect.

A wife is called to love even an unloving husband but it makes it especially hard to respect him.

The “Crazy Cycle” is described in Eccles.7:25 “…the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness.”

Be careful wives, because expressing dislike to your husband concerning something, can be interpreted as DISRESPECT.

God made us to be a link and he gifted us and entrusted us to do a good job.

YOU GO GIRL!!    We can do all things through Christ!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a need post to help your marriage be a success.


14 Mar


Today we are going to learn to fight like a girl, wives.

When I first accepted Christ, there was a verse that drove me nuts!!!

I really wanted to rip it out of my bible.

It was Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

I drew the conclusion that it meant I was not to have an OPINION or a PERSONALITY.

It seemed like everywhere I went, somebody was teaching on “submission.”


The apostle Paul was continuing his thought from Eph.5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”

In this scripture Paul was letting everyone know that they must submit to each other in order to accomplish something for the kingdom of God.

In Ephesians 6, Paul had spoke about CHILDREN submitting to their parents.

Paul was trying to show the great importance of the Christian marriage and he expressed the importance of a wife to submit to her husband.


It means that you recognize there is an order of authority in the family.

It shows that you recognize that there is an order of authority in the Christian family and as a wife, you are a part of an ordained TEAM.

You are NOT more important than the working team.

When you submit to God, it means that you recognize that authority.
When you submit to the police, it means that you recognize that authority.
When you submit to your employer, it means that you recognize that authority.

Submission does not means INFERIORITY or SILENCE!!

Submission means sub-mission!!

In other words girls, it means that you are on a MISSION!


Our “mission” is to OBEY and GLORIFY our LORD.

That “mission” is more important than your individual desires.

You are not putting yourself under your husband. You are submitting yourself under the commission of God for your family

What do the words mean, ”…as unto the LORD

1. Your submission to your husband is part of your Christian walk.
2. This is a different way of life for you, that sets you apart.
3. This has nothing to do with your husbands intelligence, giftedness or capabilities.
4. This has nothing to do with whether your husband is right on a particular issue. It has to do with Jesus being right.

If you are not married, you better find a guy you can respect. RESPECT!

You might say, “Why should I obey him if I think he is wrong?


How would you know that you are submissive if nothing ever happens in your marriage that you DISAGREE with?

Fight like a girl, fight for your mission!

SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION!  It’s a mission to keep peace in your family!

SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION!  It’s a mission to bring comfort to your children!


NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.


13 Mar


NO, we are not talking about fights in an arena. No…no.

NOR, are we talking about boxed presents. No!

NO. This is about something that our husbands love to do regularly.

In our husbands brain, there is a part, which is for “nothing”

There are absolutely no thoughts about anything in this part of a mans brain.

Does this seem STRANGE? Well, it seems strange to us GIRLS?!?

It definitely DOES NOT seem strange to God!!

Psa.139:13-14 “…thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and  wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works…”.

In Mark Gungors dvd called “Laugh your way to a Better Marriage”, he calls this area a “nothing box”.

This is a place where men can go and just EXIST.

This place is his favorite place to be.


In Mark Gungors book, he talks about neurophysiologist Professor Ruben Gur of the University of Pennsylvania. The Professor showed that 70 percent of the electrical activity of men’s brains shut down when they were in a resting state.


Women’s brains maintain a full 90 percent of their electrical activity.


This doesn’t mean that WOMEN are smarter than their husband.

Women are MULTI-TASKERS and they concentrate on several things at the same time.

Your husband, who thinks very intently, has a keen single-minded focus.

Your husband has the ability to focus on one task and EXCEL at it.

This is why we see men in the women’s industries and they are the best in the world. (Chefs, hair designers, clothing designers, etc.)

Men are champions at what they do because they have laser-like PRECISION.

This is because they have the ability to block everything out including their WIVES! Ha!Ha!

That is the part us wives have DIFFICULTY with!!

Wives think ,”This guy is thinking about something and he doesn’t want me to know!” “WHY?!?!?” “I TELL HIM EVERYTHING!!”


We become mad and the poor guy doesn’t even know what he has done wrong.

He is trying to REST HIS MIND!

Wives, if this is the place that your husband desires to be, then you need to leave him alone!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.