LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

PRINCIPLES FOR A STRONGER MARRIAGE

NOTE:  This is an article from a book “101 things husbands do to annoy their wives” by Ray Comfort.  I normally do Questions and Answers but I felt you would really benefit from this portion of his book.

FIRST, establish a regular prayer life together. If you are in a high-rise building and there’s a fire, the correct response is to drop to your knees.  Because smoke rises, you will see more clearly from that position and will avoid the poisonous fumes.  Make your prayer-life so second nature to you both that the moment you find yourself in the fires of tribulation, you will drop to your knees.  You will see more on the knees of prayer than through the thick and confusing smoke of misfortune.

SECOND, aim to rid yourself of a selfish human nature.  A humble, “broken” spirit is found in one who is no longer living for himself.  I’ve counseled enough marriages to know what causes all breakups: it is simply a philosophy of “Not your will, but mine be done.”  Having a broken spirit means giving up your rights for the rights of your spouse.  Don’t be like the wife who told her marriage counselor, “It all started on our wedding day–when he wanted to be in the wedding photos!”  Don’t do anything “through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

THIRD, make certain resolutions:

*  Never mention the word “divorce” during an argument.  The word should shock us.  The more it is used as an argumentative weapon, the less distasteful it will seem.  Avoid statements such as, “Sometimes I can really understand why some marriages end in divorce.”  If you both resolve that divorce is never an option, you will be motivated to work harder at having a good marriage.

*  Vow not to let your emotions lead you to say things you will regret.  You are most vulnerable to the one you confide in most–spouses know how to hurt each other.  If you feel unable to restrain your sharp tongue in an argument, wait until you have cooled off and can talk reasonably.

*  Learn how to say, “I’m sorry.”  Often I say I’m sorry not because I think I was in the wrong, but because the argument started in the first place.  A wife testified at the closing of a divorce proceedings, “It all started when he walked out and slammed the door.”  The husband butted in, “I didn’t slam the door!”  It was discovered that the wind had caught it.  If only forgiveness and humility had been there the day that happened, rather than presumption and pride.

*  Be aware of your own faults.  Remember, the proverb, “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes.”  The husband who says, “I have never made a mistake” has a wife who made a big one.

*  Agree never to argue in front of your children.  You will lose their respect, cause them to question the security of their home, and ruin your reputation in front of those most important to you.

*  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  Don’t “sleep on it,” because it will fester and eventually poison you.

FOURTH, show love and respect toward each other.  Although some with the ” Women’s Liberation” mentality believe that the biblical husband/wife relationship is one of a master and a well-trained dog, they couldn’t be further from the truth.  The Bible does speak of women as the “weaker vessel,” which is true physically.  However, the biblical order is: as a strong, thorny stem upholds the tender, easily bruised, sweet-smelling rose, so should the husband uphold, love, and respect his wife.  When you study a rose, notice how the leaves reach from the stem and embrace the delicate flower.  So the arms of the husband should embrace his wife.  That is God’s order.

Again, the Bible commands husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”  Men will obey this only to the extent that they understand how much Christ loved the church.  I once spoke at a men’s camp to about eighty men, and told them that if they treated their wives sacrificially like this, they would no doubt be rewarded by their wives in a way that all men enjoy.  For the next several seconds, you could have heard a pin drop.  Suddenly one man, voicing the thought of the entire group, hollered, “Alright!”  The room erupted with spontaneous joy, laughter, and loud amens. Ladies, if your husband doesn’t open the car door for you when you get home at night, stay in the car until he does.  If, however, you see the bedroom light switch off, give up and try again another time.  Husbands, if you know what’s good for you, show respect for your wife.  It will become mutual, and you will be rewarded.  You will reap what you sow, and thus enrich and lift your marriage.

FIFTH, communicate.  The Bible says that when a man and woman are joined in marriage, they “become one flesh.”  Sue and I met while we were working in a bank.  At work we are called “the budgies” because we used to sit together each day and I would peck at her lunch.  Nothing has changed.  Not only is Sue my wife, but she’s my best friend.

A man once said to his wife, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.”  The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

These things won’t come naturally.  There is, however, one powerful thought to help us remember why men should be the ones who change:

God made man from dirt.

For the woman He used prime rib.

NOTE:  Tomorrows post will have new exciting marital tips.

BORN TO BE WILD

Have you ever been around someone who is prideful and arrogant?

I think all of us have at some time or another.

An arrogant person is someone who shows feelings of unwarranted importance out of overbearing pride.

The Apostle Paul was upset with the Corinth church who was displaying this type of ATTITUDE to one another.

1Cor.13:4 “…Charity…is not puffed up…”

To be “puffed up” is to have a big head.

When someone is acting conceited, they have an overestimation of their  own importance, ability and achievement.

A really GREAT person, never thinks of themselves as being important.

No one likes the “important person.”

1Cor.4:6 “…that no one of you be puffed up for one against another.”

1Cor.8:1 “…knowledge puffeth up, but love edifieth.”

Do you ever disregard your spouse?  To disregard means that you willfully show a lack of care and attention to your spouse.

Are you aware that this is an act of ARROGANCE?

Do you ever disrespect your spouse?

If you are doing this, you need to stop!

Lucifer was too IMPRESSED with himself and lost everything before being  thrown out of heaven.

Remember that when you live with an attitude of selfish pride, it is the opposite of humility.

Love is not selfish, arrogant, prideful or conceited.

CASE AND POINT:  I remember my husband and I were invited to go to Washington D.C.  My husband had to go to a press conference in front of the Senate building.  There was a Rabbi that also was going to speak at the press conference.  When I was introduced to the Rabbi, I put out my hand to shake his hand.  He pulled his hand back and said some words to me.  I can’t remember what he said word for word, but he was telling me that he could not touch me.  In other words, to this Jewish Rabbi, I was an “unclean thing.”  My husband told me that, that is not what he said.  I told him I know, but it is what he meant.  I felt so honored!  I can’t explain it, but for me to be in the presence of a Jewish person has always been an honor for me.  But here is a Rabbi telling me that he can’t shake my hand.  He wasn’t being rude, he was being religious.

The Rabbi continued talking to me, he just wouldn’t shake my hand.

You were not “born to be wild” with a big swelled head.

You were born to show God’s love and focus on the needs of your spouse.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrows post for insight to succeed in your marriage.

PARADE TO HONOR YOU

Do you like to parade your accomplishments around?

In the city of Corinth, Paul was upset with them because they were bragging about their spiritual gifts yet they were not showing love to one another.

Chances are that their listeners were extremely annoyed with this ceaseless bragging.

Have you ever been around someone who loves to brag about themself

CASE AND POINT:  I am not just saying this but my husband is multi-talented.  He is one of those people who are good at just about everything. He is mechanical, technical, musical, and an array of other areas that send my head spinning.  I have been with him since 1965 and I have never heard him brag about himself.   Never!  Yet I can meet someone for the first time and they will not stop talking about how great they are.  He does what he needs to do and he doesn’t care who gets the credit or who knows he is the one who did it.

This is what Paul said in 1Cor.13:4, “…charity (agape love) vaunteth not itself…”

The Greek word for vaunteth is PERPEREUOMAI which means “a lot of self-talk.”

This type of person is so outrageous in their bragging that they tend to lie about themselves.

Paul was exhorting themselves to stop displaying their spiritual gifts so everyone will know.

Be careful because bragging can come around subtly and suddenly.

Woman have a tendency to do this about their children.

I have learned that woman only like me to brag about their children, not mine.

You brag when you heap praises on yourself, even if it is the truth.

When we lived in England, they would say a person who brags about themselves is “full of themselves.”

Boy, do I agree with that!!!

You have to be full of yourself to entertain people with words on how great you are.

Prov.25:14 “Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not give.”  NIV

When you are showing agape love to someone, you do not act superior to them because it results in separation.

Who in their right mind wants to be around someone who is obsessed with themselves.

Barclay writes:  True love will always be far more impressed with it’s own unworthiness than it’s own merit.

If you are bragging to your spouse, it is a sin because it is not a demonstration of the love of God.

Doesn’t bragging put you in first place and God with everyone else somewhere down at the end of the totem pole?

Bragging builds you up but puts your spouse down.

NOTE:   Don’t miss tomorrow’s post that will have more insight to a successful marriage.

GREEN MONSTER IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Almost everyone has heard the expression, “Green with Envy.”

You might think of envy as a “small sin” or something that is not a very big deal.

The bible is full of examples of the disasters that envy had on personal relationships.

The first one was with Cain and Abel that resulted in the killing of his brother.  (Gen.4:3-8)

Envy is one of the most damaging of all sins and hurts many people and marriages.

It is a “GREEN MONSTER!!”

The reason why envy is the “green monster” is that, where envy is, LOVE cannot be.

1Cor.13:4 “…love does not envy…”

Have you ever been envious?  Let me tell you now that it does not accomplish anything good.

If you are envious, there is an antidote for you:  LOVE!

For envy, LOVE is the best antidote.

Envy reveals itself in two ways:

1. When your heart and mind is desiring something which is possessed by someone else;
2. When you have spite and resentment at seeing the success of someone else.

Are you satisfied with your own portion or do you want someone else’s.  Love is happiest when someone else has more.

Are you envious of someone else’s marriage?

Do you compare your finances to another couple’s finances?

Do you compare yourself to another person’s status or success and find yourself envying them?

If you are walking in agape love, your concern will be the success of others.

Envy caused Joseph’s brothers to have him enslaved.  Acts 7:9 “…became jealous of Joseph…”

Envy caused the Jews to have Jesus crucified.  Matt.27:18 “…For he knew that they had handed Him over because of envy…”

If you are envious, you will find fault in everyone.

That “Green Monster” will seek out reasons for you to be envious.

The most miserable person you will find, is some one who is filled with envy.

Don’t let envy destroy your life and your marriage.

The antidote is LOVE!

NOTE:  Every day there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

WIVES ARE “SWEET USEFULNESS”

The word “kind” in the Greek is CHRESTEUOMAI, which means to be adaptable or compliant to the needs of others.

Do you ever demand that your spouse or other people be like you?

Agape love makes you want to go the extra mile to become what others need you to be for them.

Selfishness and self-centeredness is the complete opposite to being kind.

Do you have a willingness to change so you can meet the needs of your spouse.

Are you good natured and gentle to your spouse and others?

Do you treat your spouse tenderly and with affection.

To be “kind” shows courtesy.

In 1Corinthians 13, it was the second characteristic of the highest level of agape love.

1Corinthians 13:4 “Charity…is kind…”

God designed these verses to mention being “kind” as a characteristic for us to examine ourselves to see how we match up.

“Kindness” explains what agape love is.

Do you look for a way of being constructive with your spouse?

Showing kindness 24/7 is impossible for us to demonstrate on our own

We need the Holy Spirit to guide and strengthen us all the way and all the day.

Kindness is a generous portion of active “goodwill.”

Are you a big dose of “sweet usefulness?”

That is the definition of “kindness.”

As you are kind to your spouse, you will be shown kindness.

When Jesus commanded His disciples to love their enemies, He did not simply mean to feel kindly about them, but to be kind to them.  (Matt.5:40-41)

In 1Corinthians, Paul is not writing about how love feels, he is writing about how it can be seen in action.

This evil world gives agape love many opportunities to demonstrate kindness to others.

Mark Twain call kindness “A language that the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

Kindness is a universal language because it does not speak to the intellect, but directly to the heart.

True love is always demonstrated by action.

Remember:  The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost tomorrow.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post that will encourage you to make your marriage a success.

SHORT FUSED SPOUSE: WHAT TO DO

The Apostle Paul used the word AGAPE to describe the highest level of love in this world that is from God.

Paul uses the description to explain what AGAPE love is in 1Corinthians 13.

God designed these verses so we would know if we were walking at his highest level of loving.

1Cor.13:4 “Charity (agape love) suffereth long…”

Long suffering, in the Greek, MAKROTHUMIA, means “the patient restraint of anger.”

Long suffering is to endure, to put up with people and circumstances.

Do you lose your patience from time to time with your spouse?

Do these situations involve people or things?

What are some of these situations that cause you not to be so long suffering?

Long suffering is when you are in a difficult situation with your spouse or anyone else and you decide to put up with them.

Once you accept Jesus Christ as your LORD and Savior, longsuffering is required to maintain our hope in Gods promises.

If you don’t have hope or purpose for your life, why would you wait?  Why would you continue to suffer?  You would give up!!

Love will be patient no matter what the situation.

Longsuffering is prepared to burn a long time if it has that long wick.

You are to forbear and patiently wait if you have the characteristic of the highest level of AGAPE love.

Can you show longsuffering till your spouse finally comes around and make progress.

Do you patiently wait while you try to teach or communicate to your spouse.

Longsuffering is forbearing without reacting in anger or turning away.

Long suffering is not a feeling.

Our human nature wants to get nervous and hyper as soon as it has to be patient.

Can you hold tight to your trust in God?

Longsuffering is a decision of the will; it is a decision to endure in faith.

The long view is to forgive each other’s failures and to hold tight to our trust in God.

Keep going even though your husband doesn’t respond to you!

Do you say that you are sick and tired of waiting for your spouse to change?

Have you stopped hoping and believing?

Does this relationship test your patience?

If this is true, you need an injection of AGAPE love right now!

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post which has tips to help you be a successful spouse.

A WIFE’S ULTIMATE NEED

ISAAC, IT IS SAID, “took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her” (Gen.24:67).  Centuries later, that’s still what a wife most wants out of marriage.

A wife wants her husband to love her, to cherish and care for her, to pursue her and continue to know who she is and who she is becoming.  She wants her husband to seek a relationship with her.  She wants him to seek to understand her.  It’s why on some occasions, our wives want to be intriguing and a challenge, not easily figured out.

When a woman sees her husband denying himself for her, she understands that it’s  because of love.

On the other hand, if a woman senses her husband is romancing her in order to meet his own personal needs, then she feels manipulated, or controlled, or less valued…used.  She may begin to fear that she would be taken advantage of, taken for granted sexually, and unappreciated in all kinds of ways.

A wife’s ultimate need is to be loved.  No man will do that perfectly.  But a husband seeking to become the man God wants him to be will learn how to better love his mate.  The result is a wife who begins to feel and experience unconditional love—and a marriage of growing commitment, trust, and fulfillment.

NOTE:   Don’t miss tomorrows post which will be a new post filled with marital insight.

NOTE:  This article came from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

SATURDAY – QUESTION AND ANSWER  

Question #1.  What is the proper way of handling a situation when your spouse is friendly with someone of the opposite sex.

Answer #1.  It is very hard for someone to see their spouse enjoying the company of someone from the opposite sex.  I would suggest that at first you should try to ignore it, especially if your spouse has never given you any reason to think otherwise by their actions.  If it continues again and you are feeling uncomfortable, the best thing to do is to address it to your spouse.  Do not involve the other person.  Do not accuse your spouse of anything.  Just address to your spouse how you are feeling and you want him/her to help you with this.  You have the right to ask them not to be friendly and keep the relationship on a business like level.  Do not tell your spouse not to say hello or smile.  Your spouse is not guilty of anything and they may not even be aware of their actions.  Do not violate your marriage by bringing accusations that are unsubstantiated.

IS YOUR SPOUSE AVOIDING YOU?

Is your talking non-stop and annoying at times?

Do you talk so much to your spouse that he doesn’t even LISTEN to you any more?

Do your words just keep pouring out that it now just sounds like noise?

1Cor.13:1 “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity (agape love), I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.” 

In the Corinth church, Paul was so unimpressed with their spirituality because they obviously had a great LACK of love.

Do you claim a lot and say a lot , yet your life doesn’t match up to your claims?

Are you irritating to your spouse and family because you lack love?

This kind of love is AGAPE, which is a self-giving love.

Agape love gives without expecting repayment.

This kind of love gives even when it is not ACCEPTED.

You give agape love even when a person is unlovable.

Agape love doesn’t love just to RECEIVE something back for it.

Agape love is self-denial for the sake of another.

This is not about your EMOTIONS and how you feel but what you need to do to make things right for someone else.

Do you express this spontaneous and divine love with your spouse?

Sacrifice is very important to your Christian walk but without love, it is USELESS.

Love is most valuable because without it everything else is useless.

If your spouse doesn’t listen to you and won’t be changed, ask God to show you a way to HANDLE the situation.

Ask God to change you so you can deal with your spouse in a spirit of love.

Ask God to GIVE you His heart for your spouse.

You can deal with anything if you have God’s heart and mind.

Be willing and open to make changes in your WORDS and in your character.

The last thing you want to be is a “tinkling cymbal.”

Whatever God shows you in your actions or words that needs to be changed, accept it and change.

GOD IS LOVE!!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrows post that will have issues to make your marriage a success!

PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

Do you get annoyed when your husband leaves the toilet seat up?

How about when he TAILGATES, does that get to you?

Does he pick his teeth with his finger in front of company?

Do you enjoy those SHAVINGS all over the bathroom counter from cleaning his shaver?

Does he make a joke when you are saying something serious?

The questions above are marital ISSUES that I hear about a lot while counseling wives.

In marriage, there will  be things that will occur which will get you angry.

At those moments, you will FEEL like taking a swing or totally giving up in your marriage.

Even if the violation isn’t a big deal, it’s just the thought of having to deal with the same issues over and over again.

Many times I will listen to wives who are tired of being married to men who are great but their wife is just tired of the “small stuff.”

God knows that and he has us covered.

Let’s look at 1Pet.4:8 to get God’s instruction to understand.

1Peter 4:8 “And above all things have fervent love among yourselves: for love shall cover the multitude of sins.”

The word COVER implies “to hide from view.”

This doesn’t mean for you to ignore the sin, it means you cover it.

Cover is the definite action of concealing the existence of something by obstructing the VIEW of it.

When we respond in love to our spouse, we prevent the development of sin.

DIVINE love is not seeing sin in a person and then shutting our eyes to it.

Divine love makes us care for our spouse and helps us to seek the good of our partner.

In James 5:20, our focal point needs to be for restoration and recovery.

“Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.” (Jas. 5:20)

Take action to RESTORE your spouse by covering any multitude of sin and violations against you.

Love doesn’t cover all sin because there is a “sin unto death.”

Love does cover a multitude of sin but there is a large quantity of sin that it does NOT cover.

I have learned from the years of being married, that I SHOULDN’T make a big deal out of everything that goes wrong.

I have learned that the more I let go, the more peace and power of the Holy Spirit I see in our marriage.

Also, one of the main benefits is that I am being a testimony to my CHILDREN.

My goal in life is to not quench the precious Holy Spirit in my life and marriage.

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?

Is having a toilet seat down that important?

NOTE:  Tomorrow is another new post with great marriage tips.