20 Jun


This is from the book Boiling Point by Stephen Arterburn and Dave Stoop.

More than anything, your husband needs to know that you’re on his side, that you’re not against him.  You need to communicate, more than you probably think necessary, that you accept him and love him, even though you may not be satisfied with some of his behaviors or responses.  Separate the actions from the man; affirm the man.  His search for peace may begin sooner if he knows that you’re satisfied with him and willing to walk through the steps of healing.

1.  Be His Friend, Not His Mother

Trudy and Phil have been married nine years, and they both work full-time.  Phil’s high stress job in the intensely competitive computer industry requires a lot of  overtime.  Trudy spends every evening just trying to help Phil feel better about himself and his job.  She fixes him a nice dinner, draws him a hot bath, cleans up the kitchen while he relaxes, then listens to him complain about work until bedtime.  She irons his shirt, picks out a matching tie and socks, and makes his breakfast.  If he doesn’t leave for work on time, she calls his secretary to tell her he’ll be late.

Trudy is trailing after him like a mother.  He doesn’t need a mother; he needs a friend who’ll treat him, and insist on being treated by him, as an equal.  He needs a friend who’ll gladly share life’s responsibilities with him but not live his life for him, someone who’ll encourage him in his problem solving but not solve all of his problems for him.  If you find yourself playing a mothering role to the man in your life, he will never fully deal with the causes and crisis of his anger.  The scared little boy will whine and fuss until you make it all better.  You can transition from mother to friend in his life by lovingly placing in his hands those responsibilities and problems that he should deal with.

2.  Appreciate Him, Don’t Nag Him.

It’s estimated that upwards of 90 percent of men today are unhappy and angry in their jobs to some degree.  Most of them feel fortunate to be working, but they often languish in their dead-end jobs, feeling less that fully masculine because they’re not in control of their own lives.

It’s likely that a significant portion of your man’s anger springs from a sense of lack of control in his work.  Nagging him to buck for promotions or beg for raises may only intensify his anger.  Bugging him for a bigger house or newer car will only deepen his frustration that he has no more control at home than he has on the job.  But if you become a wellspring of appreciation for the work that he does and the living he provides, you will lift some of the pressure from his life.  Find many way to say, “I appreciate that you work hard at your job and that you hang in there even when it’s frustrating and tough.  I couldn’t love you more if you owned the whole company.”

3.  Affirm Him, Don’t Criticize Him.

Some men aren’t only upset because they must work for someone else but because of the kind of work they must do.  James is a college-trained engineer who can’t find a job in his chosen field.  So he resorted to the management-training program for a fast-food chain.  The job helps pay the bills, but James is embarrassed about being the crew chief in an assembly-line taco stand.  He hasn’t stopped looking for an engineering position, but he’s afraid that he’s trapped in what he considers a menial, degrading job.

LaVonne, James’s wife, is a breath of fresh air.  She continues to affirm him as a talented and useful employee.  “You’re an excellent engineer, Honey,” she tells him.  “The world just hasn’t discovered you yet.  You’re too good and well trained to be overlooked for long.  In the meantime, the taco place is lucky to have you.  You’re such a competent, conscientious manager.”

If your man is struggling with being locked into a job that’s distasteful to him, you can ease his struggle by affirming him for who he is and what he does.  Compliment him for the character qualities he exercises (or needs to exercise) in his job: patience, perseverance, determination, creativity, etc.  In everything you say and do, let him know that he’s the best taco maker (or pump jockey, accountant, construction worker, sanitation engineer, etc.) in the world.  Appreciate him for the effort.

4.  Give Him Space, Don’t Crowd Him.

Most of us don’t like to be pushed, especially men.  It’s an affront to their struggling masculinity and only serves to exacerbate their anger.  They feel intimidated because their wives can’t accept them the way they are.  They feel inferior in comparison to the ideal man their wives are badgering them to become.  Once again they are not in control of their lives.

Give your husband plenty of room.  Show him that you’re concerned about him and that you love him.  Let him know that you’re available to listen to him and talk to him.  Then back off to pray and wait.  Trust God to work for your man’s good in the situation.  Allow him to use “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1Peter 3:4) in you to encourage and help him.

As you pray, it’s important to pray for your husband’s heart, that it will open to all that he needs to understand in order to bring his anger back within healthy boundaries.  Pushing your man to solve his anger may cause him to make some cursory changes to get you off his back.  But pressure from you isn’t likely to produce a lasting solution.  When you step back and give God room to work, the changes may be significant and enduring.

5.  Give Him Time, Don’t Rush Him.

We live in an age of instant gratification.  We can travel thousands of miles in hours; we can transact business in seconds with our high-speed computers, cell phones, and cable shopping channels.  We hate to wait.  This subconscious urgency we all share for fast results may get in the way, however, when it comes to the process of helping a man defuse his anger.  Change doesn’t take place overnight.  It may take your husband weeks, months, or years to fully heal from the causes and results of anger in his life.

6.  Hold Him Responsible, Don’t be Co-dependent.

Eddie’s anger got him into trouble at work on a number of occasions.  He verbally popped off to his boss by contradicting his orders and undermined his leadership by bad-mouthing him to other employees.  When he was put on probation, his wife secretly went to see his boss, “I’m sorry for Eddie’s displays of anger,” she said.  “It’s really my fault.  I haven’t been the best wife I can be, and the kids have been on his nerves lately.  If you’ll just forgive him, I’ll try to turn things around at home so this won’t happen again.”  Eddie’s boss was sympathetic and rescinded the probation.

Again Eddie’s expression of anger pushed the wrong buttons at work, and he was placed on probation for a second time. His wife pleaded with his boss to give him a second chance, which he refused to do.  Within days Eddie’s angry words cost him his job.

If your husband’s anger gets him into trouble in any way, you are not responsible to cover for him or take the rap for him.  Doing so only allows the problem to continue; it never stops the problem.  Only when we allow someone to face the consequences of his behavior will he begin to see that he’s responsible for making changes in the way he behaves.

7.  Give to Him, Don’t Withhold From Him.

If your husband is in the process of dealing with expressions of anger that have been hurtful to you in some way, you may be tempted to say something like, “Once you get your act together, then I’ll start being the wife I should be.”  You may feel like withholding affection or sex from him until he deserves it.  You may feel like asking him to move out until he has better control of his temper or habits.  Or he may have troubled you so much that you’re ready to give up.

While there are a few occasions when a temporary separation may be necessary (such as when his uncontrolled rage is endangering you or the children), you can probably be more helpful to your man’s healing by staying with him.  Love, forgiveness, and acceptance are qualities to be given freely, not to be held hostage for ransom.  He needs your friendship, not your judgment.  God will use your openness, kindness, and willingness to go the second mile to aid in his healing.

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