SATURDAY Q & A 3/5/11

5 Mar

NOTE: Read this. Society is changing so one out of two children will at some point in their lives, live in a step-family. So, DON’T IGNORE THIS BLOG!!

QUESTION #1 How do you deal with your children when they have been affected through your remarriage? How do you deal with the hurt and anger the children now have towards their step-father?

ANSWER #1 These are some powerfully loaded questions. I would need to ask you many questions like, how many kids do you and him have, what are their ages, how long did you wait after the other spouse was gone, to get remarried, etc.

First I want to recommend videos that I have not seen yet, but I have heard their cds. It is about active parenting in stepfamilies. The authors are Michael Popkin and Elizabeth Einstein. Look up their website for their materials. MOST comments that I will be making are from their seminar at Smart Marriages 2007.

1. It is essential for both step-parents to be united regarding parental approach. Repeat, the marriage must be united in order for the children to be successful.

2. What makes step-parenting different

A). Too close. Too soon syndrome.

After the death of a parent or a divorce, parents don t want to do the hard work of grieving or help their children through their trauma. They would rather remarry. Notice that there is nowhere in the bible where remarriage is discussed.

B). Parents bring their same old self and same old baggage into the next marriage.

3. Denial is another issue.

Denying the kids their need to grieve. Kids need both biological parents in their lives. Having an absentee parent is a very devastating thing to a child. They frequently take that out on the step-parent. Your X-spouse is your childs parent and they must be integrated into the system.

4. Denying intense feelings. Anger, jealousy, hurt, fear are all there. Kids have to take these feelings out on somebody, so they pick their step-parent. Structure takes from 4-7 years if they have had help with inner- healing. The sad fact is that most divorcees remarry within 3-5 years. That means that the children have not recovered and their healing process is not finished. There is whole extended system of extra people. For the children, each step parent has a family forest the children are immediately thrown into. They didn t grow up with these families nor did they chose them. But now they have to turn their delicate emotions around and please everyone instantly. This is difficult for an adult, how much more a child. Help them or they will be angry, bitter and not accept discipline from anyone. They need to know they have two loving parents in both homes and responsibilities in both homes. There is no biological connection from a step-parent, so they will not accept discipline early on.

5. Main challenges.

1. Discipline

2. Money

Lack of parenting skills can kill a marriage. Successful families learn from their problems but all families have problems. Problems give the parents an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills.

6. Understand instant love is a myth. You may never love your step parent or step child so go for relationship. Acceptance, trust and respect are what a relationship needs. The love may never come but acceptance, trust and respect you MUST HAVE.

There is a lot of help out there for step families. Please, please take advantage of it. DON T do it on your own. Those kids need the help!!!

6 Responses to “SATURDAY Q & A 3/5/11”

  1. Christina Heraldez at 9:06 am #

    Hi, I am really excited to see you have answered and posted this question! I came from a step-parent family. My mom remarried when I was 11. It was short lived but, very painful for me as a child. I really like how you brought some insight into this topic! Great information!

    • nancysalazar at 9:58 am #

      Hi Christina! Thanks so very much for your comment!! i wish everyone would read this plus your comment. No one knows the hurt these kids go through. Usually the parents become so selfish and the kids end up damaged for life. Look up the material from the two people I mentioned in the blog. The blog was written from items I learned off their cd. The fact that one out of every two kids will either be a step child or a step parent is startling!! You have survived this through Christ. God will use the bad memories for his honor and glory. It already has by the tenderness you show children. Love you

  2. Christina Heraldez at 10:18 am #

    I posted it on my facebook page. I hope all my friends read it!I will definitely look up the material you mentioned.Thanks for the encouragement! Love you, too!

    • nancysalazar at 8:01 pm #

      Brilliant!! I pray that the lives that get touched by your facebook, will bring showers of blessings from God. Love you and have a blessed eve.

  3. Lawann Randall at 6:42 pm #

    I can relate to the step father thing cause I had a couple. It’s so amazing how something like that can destroy a childes life in almost every area for the rest of their life. When I let God in my life he has healed so much of the destruction that took place. Now I know why I am the way I am and it wasn’t my fault like I always thought. Wow! God has totally and still is showing me how to overcome the mess that was made by my parents.It’s been a hard long road to recovery but God has used me to help other children and adults that have been through what I went through. Thanks for your insight Nancy and your help in my life.

    • nancysalazar at 8:03 pm #

      Yes. Thank you so much for the great comment! All that you went through as a child was not in vain. God takes our scars and uses them for his honor and glory. Then he rewards us and stores treasures in heaven for us. There are alot of hurting kids and adults out there. Keep up the good work. Luv you!

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