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WHAT’S AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT SPOUSE?

11 Feb

brain-cartoon

WHAT’S AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT SPOUSE?

If you are an emotionally intelligent wife, you will be intimately familiar to your spouse’s world.

Mal.2:14 “…she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant.”

He called this familiarity to your spouse’s world “love mapping.”

CASE AND POINT:  It seems like every time I turn on my computer, there is an “update” that needs to take place.  If I don’t update my computer, there is a chance of me losing information that I need.

In the same way, if you don’t update the important information about your spouse, you can loose touch and your relationship can drift to the point that you wake up one day and don’t know each other.

John M. Gottman Ph.D, in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” defines love mapping as the part of the brain that stores all the relevant information about your partner’s life.

Do you know your spouses goals in life?

Do you know your spouses worries?

Do you know your spouses hopes?

If you don’t really know someone, you can’t really love them.

The biblical term for sexual love is “to know”.

Having a baby is one life event, or a job shift is a life event, or an illness; these events change a “love map.”

The more you know and understand your spouse, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

Getting to know your spouse better is a lifelong process.

LOVE MAP QUESTIONNAIRE

By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Answer TRUE or FALSE to the following statement.

  1. I can name my partners best friends.
  2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
  3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my husband lately.
  4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
  5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
  6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
  7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
  8. I know my partner’s favorite music.
  9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.
  10. My spouse is familiar with my current stresses.
  11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.
  12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to mypartner as a child.
  13. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life.
  14. I know my partner’s major current worries.
  15. My spouse knows who my friends are.
  16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery.
  17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.
  18. Periodically I ask my partner about his world right now.
  19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
  20. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.

Give yourself one point for each TRUE answer.

10 or above:  This is an area of strength for your marriage.  Try not to take for granted this knowledge and understanding of each other.  If you continue to keep in touch, you should be able to handle problems that arise.

Below 10:  Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area.  Take time to learn more about your spouse now, your relationship will grow stronger.

I heard once that if you really want to find things out about your husband, have a BarBQue with the men from his work and listen to their conversation.

I guess the guys at work know more about him than you do if you haven’t taken the time to learn.

It is time for a daily update!

Start today!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed

TIME TO GROW UP

10 Feb

TIME TO GROW UP

It dawned on me one day, in the middle of a petty argument with Barbara, that it was time for me to grow up. I had to stop acting like one of the kids. I suddenly realized that if I were going to be a man, I couldn’t go on acting like a child. And so, just as Paul Said, I determined to put away childish things (1 Cor. 13:11).

     Some of the unhappiest husband-wife relationships I know of are those in which one or both spouses have never grown up. They continue to act in petty, hurtful, and fault-finding ways. They still speak rashly and rudely, with little regard for how their words may hurt the other. They still think life revolves around them, and have trouble taking responsibility for their actions and choices. They refuse to admit they ever do anything wrong. They blame, ridicule, and find ways to get back at their spouses.

     In other words, they speak, think, and reason as children.

     Think of any tense times you’ve had with your mate recently. Can you detect in your own attitude any of the above descriptions of childishness? And if so, what will it take for you to grow up? Ultimately, it is our relationship with Christ and time spent in prayer, reading God’s Word, and in relationships with other godly people that move us from being childish to being mature.

NOTE:  This article is from the Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed!

OUT OF A DARK CORNER

9 Feb

OUT OF A DARK CORNER

     If you and your mate do not put the past behind you, then your past will continue to cast its shadow into your present and future. Specifically, if you want to help your mate develop confidence and a healthy self-image, you will have to talk about negative or hurtful things your in laws may have said or done that left their marks on your spouse. The following are some tips for helping your mate in this area.

     First, begin to work with your spouse to get the problem fully out in the open. Talk about how your own parents treated you, and then ask your mate to share his or her experiences. Be patient. Talking about these things can be very painful.

     Second, help your mate understand his or her parents. Proverbs 24:3 reads, “Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” Understanding is essential in your mate’s relationship with his or her parents. Talk together about your mate’s parents and seek to put their lives in proper perspective.

     Third, remind your mate that God’s grace and power are greater than any parents’ mistakes. No matter how poor a person’s home life may have been, God delights in resurrecting a damaged self-image and restoring dignity to that wounded person. Point your mate toward Christ and the hope He offers by verbally drawing attention to Jesus and expressing your confidence and belief in the greatness of God. Recall any shared instances when God showed Himself strong.

     Fourth, help your mate determine how to respond to his or her parents. None of us controls how we were treated as a child but we do have control over how we will relate to our parents today. Point out some positive things about your in-laws’ parenting and how you are the benefactor of those good traits. This is important even if your mate’s parents are no longer living.

     Fifth, help your mate experience all that God has for you by clipping any ties of inappropriate dependence. Genesis 2:24 makes clear we are to leave our parents, which means we no longer remain dependent on them for money, for an undue amount of emotional support, or for acceptance.

     Sixth, encourage your mate to make the choice to forgive his or her parents-completely. To forgive someone means to give up the right to punish them. Patiently and gently urge your mate to deal with the past constructively, to put away punishing emotions and replace them with an attitude of love and understanding.

NOTE:  This article was taken from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MY HUSBAND ISN’T HELPING ME!

8 Feb

woman_spring_cleaning1

MY HUSBAND ISN’T HELPING ME!

Have you ever complained to God about what your husband wasn’t doing?

Of course you have?

There were times that I felt like I was doing every thing and thought that my husband should be working to help me.

This following biblical story explains how Jesus feels about those times of service.

Jesus was in the home of two sisters: Mary who was listening at Jesus’ feet and Martha who was cumbered about serving.

The word “cumbered” in the Greek means, draw away, distract; to be driven about mentally.

Luke 10:41-42 “And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

What was Martha being distracted from?

The “word”.  Jesus and the “word” are one.

She was distracted with too much serving and forgot Jesus.

Martha OVERRODE her bonding with Christ, by her service to Christ.

When you are on an “emotional rollercoaster”,  it separates you from Jesus and you are now no good to your marriage.

Luke 21:34 says, our hearts are overcharged with “…cares of this life...”

You need to humble yourself by casting your cares on Jesus instead of complaining about what your spouse is or isn’t doing.

Martha’s #1 purpose at that time was to make Jesus welcomed.  Instead, she snaps and complains to Jesus saying, “Don’t you care?”

Martha thought that you express your love for God through service.

Mary’s secret is that she knew her love for God could only be done through devotion.

Jesus is telling Martha that she must first be ministered to by her Savior, before she can effectively minister for her Savior.

You cannot be the Godly spouse that you want to be unless you spend TIME at the feet of Jesus.

Are you too busy serving Him that you can’t find time to love Him and listen to Him?

Charles Wesley said, “…Choose the better part; Serve with careful Martha’s hands and loving Mary’s heart.”

You can be radically changed if you listen to Jesus words, “…one thing is needful.”

Jesus pointed out that Mary’s choice to take the “good part” would not be taken from her.

It is good to be hooked up to Gods word—THAT IS YOUR LIFELINE!

When you choose to do what Mary did, you can live the good life.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

MENTAL DISTRESS IN MARRIAGE  (Part 2) 

7 Feb

catchoked

MENTAL DISTRESS IN MARRIAGE  (Part 2) 

Pride causes discouragement and depression when we worry.

Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction.”

 Proverbs 29:23 “A man’s pride shall bring him low.”

To avoid this, God tells us to humble ourselves by letting him take care of our marital problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

  1. Has God ever told you to be quiet, but you don’t.
  2. Next you find yourself in a fight then you finally have to be quiet to end it.
  3. Then you are depressed because you either said hurtful things or you were told hurtful truths.

God did not design us to be able to handle tomorrow’s problems.

He only gives us enough grace to get through TODAYS marital issues.

When you cast your cares, that act of humility demonstrates your faith.

When the verse says, …the mighty hand of God…”, it means that God can hand-le anything and everything.

Let God use His “mighty hand in your marriage.”

Worry does not empty tomorrow’s problem, it just empties today’s strength.

THE WORD CHOKED

Mark 4:18-19  “And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word, And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.””

This is saying that after you have heard Gods word, you still allow things to enter your heart and it strangles Gods word that is in you.

After suffocating Gods word, you can no longer PRODUCE fruit in your life, so you miss out on a good harvest.

This mentions three things that choke the word:

  1. The cares of the world.
  2. The deceitfulness of riches.
  3. The lust of other things.

We start to allow the problems, rather than Gods word to tell us how to act.

Luke 21:34 “And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting (being overfull), and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.”

 OUCH!   I said, “OUCH!!”

You have been warned to not be “overcharged.”

Overcharged means to feel stressed, depressed and just an emotional wreck.

You won’t be able to hear the VOICE of God.

Also, notice in Luke 21:34 that a person who is “overcharged” with the “cares of this world” are on the same category as a drunkard.

People who are drunk are not alert, sharp or perceptive.

You cannot make good marital DECISIONS when you are overcharged with the cares of this world.

The choice is yours:  You can sin by letting things bother you, or you can choose to not let things bother you.

A WORRY FREE LIFE IS YOUR CHOICE.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MENTAL DISTRESS IN MARRIAGE (Part 1) 

6 Feb

stressed

MENTAL DISTRESS IN MARRIAGE (Part 1) 

Faith is a reaction from the heart based on something God has said.

Fear (or worry) is a reaction from the mind or emotions based on something your circumstance (or the devil) has said.

According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, the word “Worry” when used as a noun means: “mental distress or agitation resulting from concern usually for something impending or anticipated.”

Have you experienced “mental distress” in your marriage?

The words “mental stress” means that your mind and emotions are suffering.

The synonyms for worry are: agonize, fret, be anxious, be concerned, be troubled, be bothered, be apprehensive, be nervous, be fearful, and lose sleep.

Worry can be destructive to every area of your life as negative forces work in the mental and emotional realm.

Worry is something YOU ALLOW.

How many times a day do you open the door and welcome worry into your life and marriage?

Negative thoughts will NEVER bring you peace and joy.

Worry never deals with the known realm—

It always deals with the unknown realm.

Worry never deals on the positive—

it always deals on the negative.

 Think of all the things in your marriage that you worry about UNNECESSARILY.

When you worry, you are more SELF-conscious than GOD-conscious.

You are being carnally minded!!

If you are worried about something, you are in fear, not in faith.

The act of worry is sin!  Rom.14:23b “…whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”

HUMILITY

You cannot be humble and worry at the same time because worry is rooted in pride.

When we worry, we are not trusting God and we start trusting in ourselves to resolve our own problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

If we “cast all our care” then we would be carefree!

Carefree is :  untroubled, lighthearted, relaxed, cheerful or free from care.

God is telling us that a true sign of humility is casting your cares on Him.

When you have marital problems and you handle it yourself, you are telling God, “I don’t believe you will solve this for me.”

If you do that, you are now on the throne of your marital life and NOT GOD!

Only you can let God back on the throne.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

KEEP FOCUSED ON YOUR MARRIAGE  (Part 5) 

5 Feb

bigstock_Gold_Guy_Online_With_Money_6741622

KEEP FOCUSED ON YOUR MARRIAGE  (Part 5) 

We will continue on with “Managing your Money.”

Managing your money in a Godly manner is of vital importance to your marriage.

Fifth, Managing Your Money

 B.)  MONEY MATTERS IN MARRIAGE.

Will you or won’t you follow God’s perfect plan?

What will you do with the money He entrusts to you for faithful management?

God doesn’t care how much money is in your hand, but He cares about the way you act with the money that is in your hand.

The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31, used her mind to budget and increase the family funds and created goods to barter.

As a result, God was honored. (vs.30)

The poor were served. (vs.20)

Her husband was elevated (vs.23) and

She was known by all as “a virtuous wife.” (vs.10)

Her worth” to her husband, children, and community was “…far above rubies…” (vs.10)

God wants you to grow in character,

Be content with what you have,

Support you husbands efforts, and

Be a diligent homemaker and

Financial warrior as you “Build your home.”  (Prov.14:1)

C.)  MONEY SHOULD MATTER TO YOU.

Make a commitment to God to do a better job with His resources, money and wise management.

  1. PRAY:  Because it is a spiritual issue but also a matter of obedience.
  2. GIVING:  Because God asks you to.
  3. SAVING:  Because it will be better for your family.
  4. BUDGETING:  Because it maps out a path for your lifestyle.
  5. DOING WITHOUT:  Because disciplines are birthed and enhanced when you do.
  6. BEWARING:  Because greed, lust, bitterness, and envy sneak in.
  7. GROWING:  Because of contentment.

D.)  MASTERING YOUR MONEY.

How can you begin to master your money and your heart?

Things to do:

  • Present to God the firstfruits of all your income.  That’s the advice of Prov.3:9-10.
  • Put those communication skills to work!  Be sweet, be patient, be wise.
  • Put personal goals into motion.  Shop less, to spend less, to work on a heart of contentment, to become a more skillful home manager, to live a simpler life, to be more prayerful and creative about taking care of your family.
  • Purchase a book about the financial in’s and out’s of home management.  Become a tightwad.

LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE

  1. Honor your husband’s direction.
  2. Create a budget.
  3. Help out with managing the finances.
  4. Set up a financial center. (organize)
  5. Give to God’s purposes.
  6. Keep a list of things you want or need.

NOTE:  Some of the comments in this post were take from the book “A wife after God’s Own Heart”, by Elizabeth George.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.