LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

THREE ARE PRESENT

THE BIBLE HAS A LOT to say about the benefits of fearing God.

Leviticus 19:14, for example, indicates that a healthy fear of God  will motivate us to care for the needs of the disadvantaged with grace and kindness.

Proverbs 22:4 tells us that fearing God leads us to life, while Proverbs 10:27 tells us that it prolongs life.

And Psalm 145:19 says the Lord will fulfill the desires of those who fear Him.

In the New Testament, we see that the fear of God is the glue that holds our relationships—including our marriages—together.

Ephesians 5:21 tells us that we should be “submitting to one another in the fear of God”. 

I doubt that there is any dispute or problem in marriage that can’t be solved if both spouses properly fear the Lord and mutually honor and value each other out of that reverential respect for who God is.

A marriage should be a relationship in which forgiveness and acceptance are freely expressed because we live our lives in His presence.

In a Christian marriage, three are present: The husband, the wife, and Jesus Christ.

If the husband and wife share a mutual reverence and a holy desire to obey and serve Christ; God will  use that healthy fear to draw the couple closer to each other and closer to Himself.

NOTE:  This article in “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

ISOLATION A MARRIAGE KILLER

Isolation is the great killer of marriages.

Many marriages continue for years in a state of armed truce.

Competition replaces cooperation and ugly reality dashes dreams as conflict unravels the fabric of love and concern.

The choice to heal those rifts is yours.

Every day, each partner makes choices that result in oneness or in isolation.

Here are three important choices you need to make:

Choice #1:  Resolve to pursue oneness with each other and repent of any isolation that already exists.

Remember, you don’t have to be married a long time to feel isolated.

Choice #2: Resolve to never go to bed angry with one another.

Find a way to resolve your differences and move towards oneness.

Resentment and oneness cannot coexist.

Choice #3:  Resolve to take time to share intimately with each other.

Allow your spouse into your life.

Ask questions of your spouse and listen patiently.

Learn the art of healthy, transparent communication.

MAKE  THE RIGHT CHOICES and you’ll know love, warmth, acceptance and the freedom of true intimacy and genuine oneness.

Make the wrong choices and you’ll know the quiet desperation of living together but never really touching each other deeply.  As a couple, resolve that you will not allow isolation to set up residence in your marriage.

NOTE:  This articles is from the book “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

RESPECTFULLY LEAVE YOUR PARENTS

You may have moved out of their house a long time ago, but have you really left your parents behind?

God did not mince words when He instructed a married couple to leave their parents.

The Hebrew word that normally gets translated leave from Gen.2:24 more fully means “to forsake dependence upon,” “lose,” “leave behind,” “release,” and  “let go.”

Centuries later, Jesus addressed this issue when He said that God never intended for anybody—not in-laws, not mother, not father, not children, not friends, not pastors, not employers—to come between a husband and a wife (Matt.19:6).  No one!

After our wedding ceremony, Barbara and I walked down the aisle together, symbolically proclaiming to all witnesses that we had left our parents.

We had forsaken our dependence upon them for our livelihood and emotional support, and were turning now to each other—for the rest of our lives—as the most important persons in our universe.

This public affirmation of our covenant to each other meant, “No relationship on earth, other than my relationship with Jesus Christ and God, is more important to me than the one with my spouse.”

If you or your spouse has not fully left mother and father, begin to discuss how you have failed to leave and what you can do today to truly forsake dependence upon your parents and cleave to one another.

NOTE: This article is from the book, “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage successful.

REJECT SELFISHNESS, CHOOSE HARMONY

TWO PEOPLE WHO BEGIN MARRIAGE by trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended.

The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago, “All of us like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way” (Is.53:6).

Isaiah didn’t know me, but his analysis sounds eerily familiar.

I want to go my own way, do my own thing.

I’m your basic, self-centered person.

We all instinctively look out for number one.

Selfishness is possibly the most dangerous threat to oneness in marriage.

Both partners enter marriage with all kinds of expectations, many of which go unmet because the other partner either doesn’t know what is expected, is incapable of complying, or is unwilling to meet the expectation.

Caught in this self-centered quagmire, many marriages end up stuck.

In our first years of marriage, I was more than a bit selfish.

I was skilled at looking out for my own needs.

But when I took Barbara as my wife, I assumed a new responsibility–loving Barbara as Christ loved the church.

And that meant rejecting selfishness (repeatedly!) and instead seeking harmony.

Marriage is one of God’s primary tools that He has given the human race to finish the process of our growing up!

NOTE:  This article was taken from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1.  I believe my spouse has built up resentment towards me for previous actions.  I have corrected my actions and asked my spouse for forgiveness and they said they granted it.   They still show resentment toward me and state, “It’s not you, it is me”.  I have prayed that the Lord would show my spouse the better person I have become and the true unconditional love I have.  I don’t know where I stand with my spouse but I feel a presence that tells me not to give up.  My family members think I’m crazy for staying in this situation but  I want to listen to God and fulfill the marriage covenant we both made to Him.  “For better or worse, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part.”  I take those words very serious and I don’t plan on lying to God anytime soon.  Do you have any advise?

Answer #1.  Don’t give up.  You didn’t say how long you violated your marriage vows.  They say if you do something to offend someone, it takes 20 thoughtful actions before they stop thinking about the one bad action.

God designed the brain to be able to recall events.  When an emotion is involved, we usually never forget.  The good side of this is that God gives us another opportunity to forgive that person once again.  When we do this, He rewards us here on earth and he stores treasures for us in heave.

Violations cause a wound in our souls.  When Jesus resurrected, the power of His resurrection gave us the ability to have our souls healed.  The word power in the Greek is “Dunamus”.  It means many things but two of it’s meanings are: “Excellent of soul” and “working of miracles.”  3John 2 reads, “I pray that you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers.”  

When your soul is EXCELLENT, then your finances and health will prosper.  You have a tank full of “dynamos.”  Thank God for His resurrecting power and claim your soul to be excellent as you forgive your spouse and anyone you need to forgive.   Aren’t you tired of not having money and being sick.

You are in good hands.  Jesus died so we would have the ability to forgive.  It takes a “divine super power” to forgive and that is exactly why Jesus said He was leaving us the Holy Spirit.  We are never more like God, then when we are forgiving.  It brings joy to Gods heart that we are surrendering our violation to Jesus as He surrendered His life for us.  Keep your spouse in prayer so they can release their pain and violation to God.  If you walk out of this marriage, then you are saying that you cannot forgive your spouse.

Read 1Peter 5:6-7  “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; Casting all your care upon him; because he cares for you.”  This is telling you to stay HUMBLE.  Place yourself under God by being sensitive to the Holy Spirit in your marriage.  Wait on God if it takes time but trust that God has heard your prayers and rest in that.  Cast this problem to God and leave it there.  Keep in mind that God has an investment in your marriage.  He paid a big price.  Don’t give up!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ADD EMPATHY TO YOUR COMMUNICATION

THE DICTIONARY traditionally defines understanding as “the faculty of the human mind by which it…comprehends the ideas which others express and intend to communicate.”

Yet in the Bible, understanding is not just a transfer of information, but empathy for the other person.

Consider Exodus 36:1, which tells how two craftsmen named Bezalel and Aholiab were given divine wisdom and understanding, “to know how to do all manner of work for the service of the sanctuary,” so that they could “do according to all that the Lord has commanded.”

This is a scriptural example of what the Bible refers to as “understanding.”

These men, and the other artisans working under their supervision, were given the divine ability not only to know how to work their magic with gold and silver and leather and beautiful fabrics and thread, but also how to communicate with one another in a way that would move their assignment forward.

Barbara and I have found that this kind of understanding—the kind that goes beyond mere facts to empathize with the other—is essential in building our relationship and family.

When I know that she tries to understand some situation from my perspective (and vice versa), it’s amazing how problems dissipate.

As we make Jesus Christ the Builder of our homes (Psa.127:1), we can begin to see our relationship reflect God’s character.

NOTE: This article is from the book, “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

MAINTAINING EMOTIONAL and MORAL FIDELITY

For so many people, Christians included, adultery is the first step out of a marriage.  An emotional or sexual attachment to someone other than your spouse creates intense passions that sabotage trust and steal marital intimacy.  For that reason, God stated emphatically in the Seventh Commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Ex.20:14).

Adultery destroys homes and lives.  Proverbs 6:27-29 details the consequences of playing with this kind of fire, “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?  So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent.”

Adultery, as alluring as it may seem, always fails to live up to its promises.  It pledges excitement and fulfillment, and instead delivers pain and alienation.  Peter Blichington, in his outstanding book Sex Roles and the Christian Family, cites a study by the Research Guild that measured sexual satisfaction.  The guild found that “Compared with the 67% of men and 55% of woman who find marital sex very pleasurable, only 47% of the men and 37 % of the women with extramarital experience rate its sexual aspect very pleasurable.”

The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence!

The glistening highway of adultery is actually a rutted back road littered with loneliness, guilt, and broken hearts.  Adultery supplants loyalty and trust with fear and suspicion.  The consequences are enormous and last for a lifetime.  As my colleague and friend Bob Lepine warns, “No sex outside of marriage is that good!”

Will you commit to emotional and moral fidelity to your spouse, no matter how much you struggle in your marriage?  If so, three steps are critical.

First, maintain a healthy sexual relationship.  Lovingly study your mate to learn what will keep him or her interested and satisfied in your sexual relationship.  Cultivate the fine–and often forgotten—art of romance.  Pursue your spouse with the same creativity and energy that characterized your dating relationship.

Second, guard your heart in relation to the opposite sex.  According to Jesus, the eyes are the doorway to the heart (Matt.6:22, 23)  For this reason, restrict your gaze and refuse the temptation to look longingly at other men or women.  Don’t fantasize about someone else.

Proverbs 4:23 counsels, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”  Build boundaries around your heart by making yourself accountable to a friend for your secret thoughts.

Third, be honest with your spouse about temptations.  One of the most important practices Barbara and I employed early in our marriage was that of sharing with each other when we experienced temptations.  On more than one occasion I’ve asked her to pray for me because I was struggling with lust.  Once, in our first year of marriage, Barbara shared with me that a certain man was being inappropriately friendly with her.  These confessions can seem risky, but when a husband and wife are committed to each other, they actually help to nurture trust.

As partners in life, we need to protect our fidelity and trust…all the days of our lives.

NOTE:  This article was written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey from Family Life and Marriage Bible.

NOTE:  Every day there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NO FREE RENT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

Do you know how to defuse the destructive power of resentment in your marriage?

We will look at four important steps that can be taken.

First, Toss out your need for revenge.

When we are hurt, our natural instinct is to strike back at our spouse.

This is our primitive need for self-preservation.

Revenge begets revenge and there is no end to the cycle.

To forgive your spouse means that you give up your right to retaliate.

Giving up your right to retaliate against your spouse is for your benefit because there will be no end to the escalating conflict.

Second, Acquire a holy view-point.

Matt.18:21-35 is the parable about the unforgiving servant.  “…and his Lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.”

Then Jesus said, “So likewise shall my heavenly father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not everyone his brother their trespasses.”

We should have shivers down our back.

Your hurts are insignificant when compared to the hurt you have caused God.

UNLESS YOU FORGIVE THE HURT OTHERS HAVE DONE TO YOU, GOD CANNOT FORGIVE YOUR DEBT TO HIM.

Third, Hold onto a spirit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is designed to protect us from our own anger.

It is not necessary for your spouse to admit their guilt or ask for forgiveness.

Lovingly ask your spouse to stop hurting you.

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head!!

Four, Turn your resentment into kindness

In Romans 12:17-21 tells us never to be revengeful because we will be overcome with evil.

Matt.5:44 “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”

There are times that we want our spouse to suffer for what they have  done to us but the gospel has taken away your right to punish.

Do you want to free yourself from resentment and anger and get full advantage from forgiveness?

Turn your resentment into kindness.

When you do this:

• It gives you the feeling that you are now in control.
• It protects you from further anger.
• Possibly your spouse will not continue to hurt you.
• It keeps you from further sins.

Keep your reactions from becoming a greater sin than the original action.

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, HE IS YOUR PRIORITY.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

ARE WEEDS IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Resentment breeds resentment just like weeds breed weeds.

Resentment is like taking POISON and waiting for the other person to die.

Resentments destructive power comes from several sources:

First, Resentment prevents contentment.

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1Tim.6:6

Your resentment will destroy your marital happiness.

If we were left to our own devices, we would self-destruct.

Second, Resentment exaggerates emotional hurts.

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (Prov.10:19)

Exaggerating is lying.

Lying and slandering your spouse, the bible states that it is one of the things that God hates.

Don’t think that because it is your spouse that it gives you the freedom to exaggerate.

NO! NO! NO!

Third, Resentment never forgets.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past..”  Isa.43:18

Therapists try but fail to get people to let go of resentments.

Resentment best fits our “lower nature”.

In other words, we become animalistic when we harbor resentment.

85% of illnesses are due to stressful situations.

Has holding resentment against your spouse ever made you healthier or happier?

We enjoy resentment because it makes us feel self-righteous and adds to our self-pity.

We feel uncomfortable like we are betraying our deepest need if we let our spouse off the hook.

Fourth, Resentment is revengeful.

“…Avenge not yourself…it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Rom. 12:19

The natural thing for us to do is to plan revenge against our spouse.

Get the weeds out of your marriage!

Only you can do it.

No one else can put those weeds out.

They are growing and multiplying as you read this blog.

The longer they stay there, the thicker and stronger they get.

You will JUSTIFY  your position, but the reality is you have lost your position.

Clear the path to your heart so the Holy Spirit can bring great things into your life and marriage.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DEVILS PLAYGROUND IS MARITAL RESENTMENT

Resentment is a powerful emotion that is one of the major sources of marital stress.

One of the most destructive of all human emotions is resentment.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking; be put away from you…”

Resentment means a feeling of displeasure and righteous anger, from a sense of being injured or offended.

Why was Paul so adamant about resentment?

Resentment is a DESTRUCTIVE POWER.

Bitterness in the Greek is “Pikria” which literally means a plant that produces a poisonous fruit.

Resentment is a powerful emotion that is one of the major sources of marital stress.

Research has found that there is an increase in depression in a disruptive marriage.

In a 2009 study, it was revealed that spousal anger contributes to depressive illness.

On going conflict puts a damaging strain on you, your children, your family, and your friends.

Is that the kinds of family life you want to come home to?

There are no winners in a home filled with “bitter fungus”.

Your body is paying a price for all that resentment bottled up inside of you.

Marital conflict increases blood pressure, coronary heart disease and congestive heart failure.

When you are angry and resentful, don’t COMMUNICATE!

Give God your super-sensitivity, selfishness and need for control, in order to decrease resentment.

You will have unresolved resentment from past hurts if your harbor bitterness.

Have you been violated by your parents, family, close friends, former spouses or former dating partners?

Don’t unconsciously, deeply wound your best friend (spouse).

Psychologist Dr. Archibald D. Hart states in his book “Helping Children Survive Divorce” that only the gospel of Christ is capable of healing the deepest human hurt at its very root.

The ability to forgive others is a gift from God that releases us from damaged emotions.

Don’t let your marriage be a playground for Satan.

You give him that permission when you harbor resentment.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.