LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

SATURDAY Q & A  

Question #1.

How can I regain the respect I’ve lost for my husband?

Answer #1.

That’s a difficult struggle, because Ephesians 5:33 makes it clear that wives are to respect their husbands.  I suggest you make a real effort to think of things you can still respect about your husband. You have to choose to focus on the positive if you want to make your marriage last.

Pull back from the daily routine of life, look at him objectively, and say, “What is good about him?   What did I respect in the first place?”  Study him again and don’t allow yourself to be blinded by his weaknesses and inadequacies, the things you don’t like.

Some of these positive things may seem basic, but they really are important.  In fact, it’s easy for a wife to take some of these things for granted.  The fact that a husband goes to work and provides for the family financially is worthy of respect.  Maybe he plays ball with your son or daughter.  That’s worthy of respect.

You may wish he did more, but if you let him know how much you appreciate what he does, he will feel encouraged.  Say,”I’m glad I’m married to a man who’s faithful to provide for his family.”  Or write him a note expressing your appreciation and admiration.

NOTE:  This article is from Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MARRIAGE IS EMOTIONAL WORK

Emotional work refers to managing your feelings so others can see your facial and bodily display.

The strongest positive effect on wives’ marital well-being , is when a spouse SUPPORTS her emotionally.

We may think that it is the physical help with housework and child care by a spouse that makes the difference in a marriage, but most wives say it is the emotional concern.

Studies show that 85% of illnesses are due to stress.

CASE AND POINT:  Jackie Robinson was the first black baseball player to be hired on a major league team.  Before that if you were black, you played on the black leagues only.  You would conclude that he must have been the greatest ball player of his time.  They had to have overlooked every white player before they would even consider Jackie Robinson.  Here are some points of interest about Jackie Robinson.

• He was not the best hitter, best runner, best catcher or overall best black player in the “negro leagues.”
• He was picked because he had been on the UCLA college baseball team.
• It was the conclusion that Jackie had the stamina to make it through the many challenges of criticism awaiting him by both the jealous black teams he was leaving behind and the prejudice white teams he had to face ahead.
• History shows us that not only did he become a better player but he received many awards.  He handled himself with such emotional control, that he opened doors for other outstanding black baseball players to be picked for the major leagues in the 1940’s

That is emotional work and Jackie Robinson changed history.

Your emotions are not an indication as to how spiritual you are but rather proof of your HUMANITY.

You need to talk to the one who speaks peace to the storm.

God wants you to be BALANCED and to be beautiful inside and out.

Jesus spoke these words to us in Matthew 5:3-12.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake,

Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

This is tremendous emotional work and this was expected of every Christian.

The word “blessed” means highly favored.

God wants your marriage blessed (highly favored).

In order for you to receive Gods blessing in your marriage, you will find yourself going down a road of emotional work.

This does not mean that God doesn’t LOVE you or that there is something majorly wrong with your marriage.

It means God wants your marriage to be beautiful on the inside and outside.

God sees the stamina in you to MAKE IT through.

The Holy Spirit is there to lovingly guide you through.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

CAUSE OF MARITAL PRAYERLESSNESS 

If you want your marriage to thrive, then you MUST spend time in prayer.

One of the main reasons for prayerlessness is lack of faith in the integrity (completeness) of God’s word.

When faith is perfected we shall receive the answer.

Matt.9:29 “…according to your faith be it unto you…”

Matt.21:21 “If ye have faith, and doubt not…ye shall say unto this mountain Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea, (and) it shall be done.”

Mark 11:24 “Whatever things ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them.”

Mark 9:23 “Jesus said unto him, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.”

How to obtain achieving faith.

PRAISE IS THE ANSWER!

In the bible there is more emphasis on praise then there is on prayer.  Psa.145:10 “…all thy works shall praise thee…”

Praise is also the highest occupation of angels.  Rev.5:11-12 “And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and…the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the lamb!”

In heaven it is important to maintain a chorus of praise unceasingly day and night around the throne, so it must be supremely important on EARTH.

If this is what occupies the total time in heaven, it must be just as important on earth.

CASE AND POINT:  This morning I was watching T.D. Jakes.  He was preaching and said something I knew but for some reason it was profound to me today.  He said how when he became a pastor, his first church offering that came in the collection plate was a total of $2.50.   He said how much the enemy had tormented him as he was preparing for the opening of his church.  He looked at the plate and said, “The devil hassled me over just $2.50” Then he said that it wasn’t about the $2.50 it was about where he was headed and what he would accomplish.

We have an enemy who knows the power within us!

The enemy knows how important our marriage is and where we are HEADED as a couple and what we will accomplish.

The enemy knows that you are a champion in Gods eyes and that you will damage and destroy what satan wants to achieve.

You were MADE to be fruitful and create.

You scare the enemy because of who you are.

You don’t have to have a title in your church or a prominent position to PRAISE God.

Praise is the spark plug of faith.

For ANSWERED prayer we have to pray in faith and praise gives us faith.

When you praise and pray, then God can trust you with bigger problems and more insight.

Whoever heard of an athlete training for an obstacle race, pleading with his trainer to remove the OBSTACLES?

There will always be trials and obstacles in our marriage that will cause us to loose faith.

How can you be an OVERCOMER in your marriage if there is nothing to overcome?

If you want what you’ve never had, then you must do what you’ve never done!

NOW GOD CAN TRUST YOU WITH BIGGER PROBLEMS!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

LEAVE THE THREATS BEHIND

One of the Ten Commandments of Marriage should be, “Never threaten to leave.”  Threats create cracks in the commitment, erode the security of total acceptance, and fuel fear.  In addition, threats rarely cause a person to change; they communicate only rejection.

Rather than to threaten to leave, each of us should creatively express our commitment and acceptance to our mates.
God gave us an example to follow.  He didn’t tell us only once that he loved us, He told us often and in many ways.  He even sent His son to demonstrate His love, and He gave us His Word.  He continues to show us His love through the ongoing ministry of the Holy Spirit.

Our mates need to hear words of commitment and acceptance, not just once but many times.  Tell your mate often how much you love her.  Tell him you accept him just as he is.

Each time a difficulty arises in your relationship–a misunderstanding, a difference, or a clash of wills–remind your mate that you intend to remain loyal.  Assure him that your commitment will not change because of this unfortunate situation.  Such infusions of truth will become the reinforcements you both need to work through any difficulties.

NOTE:  This post is an article taken out of Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

REASONS MARITAL PRAYERS ARE NOT ANSWERED (Part 3)

The third reason for God not answering our marital prayers is when our life is prayerless.

 God will not ACT on behalf of your marriage if you do not pray.

Prayer is part of the apprenticeship program God ordained to train us for our royal duties.

God can overcome satan on His own but this would rob us of the practice and strength we would gain by overcoming.

ILLUSTRATION:  Larry Byrd vs. Magic Johnson.  Both of these men were basketball rivals.  They became outstanding because they tried to out do each other.  They were both hired to do a commercial ad together which was to take place outside of Byrd’s mothers house.  When it was lunch time, Byrd asked Magic Johnson to have lunch with him instead of eating inside his trailer.  When Magic accepted, Byrd took him right into his mother’s house where lunch had been prepared for the two of them.  After being rivals for years, it was the first time in their life they had ever talked to each other.  They discovered in that conversation there was a lot they had in common.  After that day, they became best friends.  They continued to stay close for the years to come.  When Magic found out he had the HIV virus, Byrd was the first friend he called.  Byrd was very upset about his friends illness and committed himself to be his encourager.

Larry Byrd and Magic Johnson both became champions by practicing to defeat one another.

By you and I praying, this gives us an edge on the assaults that satan throws at us.

Daniel’s intercession

Daniel was in prayer and fasting for his nation.  God heard his prayer the first day but it took 21 days for the angel to get the answer to him.

Daniel 10:12-13  “…the mighty Evil Spirit who overrules the kingdom of Persia blocked my way.  Then Michael, one of the top officers of the heavenly army, came to help me, so that I was able to break through these spirit rulers of Persia.”

While Daniel was interceding, a battle was raging in heaven.

Satan will never allow your prayer answer to reach you if he can prevent it.

Psa.106:23 “…had Moses not stood in the breach, to turn away His wrath, God would have destroyed them.”

One of the reasons why prayers are not answered is the failure to continue with persistence until the answer is received.

Satan is a trained strategist and will not acknowledge defeat until he has to.

Luke 11:9 “…ask and keep on asking…the door shall open…”

Hab.2:3 “…if it be long, then wait…”   This verse is talking about waiting for the answer.

It is the battle of the wills between satan and us.

Eph.6:13 “…take up the whole armor of God…having done all, to stand…”

If you want to see your marital prayers answered, then pray and don’t stop.

Those are not my words, those are God’s divine words to us.

He wants us to be champions in the area of prayer.

He wants us to have a “Marriage of Champions.”

If Magic Johnson was able to achieve what he did through practice, how much more can we accomplish in our marriage.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

REASONS MARITAL PRAYERS ARE NOT ANSWERED (Part 2)

The first reason for God not answering our marital prayers is that we ask for SELFISH MOTIVES.

James 4:3 “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.”

Spiritual Pride

The second reason for God not answering our marital prayers is because of SPIRITUAL PRIDE.

Ego exaltation is one of the most dangerous and deadliest sins.

2Cor.12:7 “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.”

Ouch!  Ouch!  A thorn in my flesh?!?

Can you imagine your dad coming at you with a thorn bush when you MISBEHAVED?

The blessing of the thorn in the flesh is God promises you divine grace and divine strength.

When I discipline my kids I tell them that the punishment will be enough for them to feel the PINCH.

That is what our heavenly father does to us by letting us feel the pinch.

PRIDE was Lucifer’s downfall and he wants it to be your downfall also.

Before the fall, according to Isaiah 14 and Ezekiel 28 he was:

• Guardian of the throne “…The anointed cherub that covereth…”
• Full of wisdom.
• Perfect in beauty.
• Being next to God himself.
• His voice was an orchestra.

Satan was full of covetousness and greed by the supreme gifts God gave him.

Do you ever DISPLAY conceit and self-worship in your marriage?

You may think no, but selfishness is the first actions we have a tendency to display when we are angry with our spouse.

We BELITTLE their opinions and exalt our own ambitions.

There is a price to pay when we don’t put a cap on our emotional reactions.

Eze. 28:18 “You defiled your holiness with gainful lust; so I brought forth fire from your own actions and let it burn you to ashes.”

Wow!!  Do you still think it is clever to demonstrate spiritual pride towards your spouse?

Paul cautioned Timothy that a bishop should not be a novice or a new convert.  1Tim.3:6 “…in case he becomes conceited and incurs the doom passed on the devil.”

If you are saved and your spouse isn’t, be careful not to act more spiritual.

Paul was so concerned about this that he said we will receive the same PUNISHMENT as the devil.

Paul warns of the danger of being conceited in 2Cor.12:7 because of the “…abundance of the revelations…” given to him.

Spiritual pride is a subtle temptation that comes with even the smallest amount of success.

When God WITHHELD Paul’s answer to prayer so his pride won’t get exalted, it shows why God does not always answer more prayers for us.

Let’s keep spiritual pride out of our marriage.

HUMBLE yourself and partner with the Holy Spirit and partner with your spouse.

NOTE:  Tomorrow there will be Part 3 to this series.

RESOLVE CONFLICT THROUGH LOVING CONFRONTATION

NOTE:  This article was taken from Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Barbara and I manage our conflicts with a tool we call “loving confrontation.”  When either of us gets upset with the other, we try not to hide or deny what is making us see red; we get the hurt in the open through direct, but loving confrontation.

If you want to practice loving confrontation, you can’t believe your your mate is out to get you, nor can you be out to get your mate.  Be willing to hear what God may be saying through your mate.  Many of Barbara’s best statements to me hurt a bit; but I need to hear them because they keep me on the right track.  I want to hear what she is trying to say, instead of plotting how I will reply and defend myself.

Consider a few tips that Barbara and I have found useful in keeping a judgmental spirit out of confrontation:

Check your motivation.  Will what you say help or hurt?  Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further conflict?  Prayer is the best barometer of your motivation.  When you take your situation to God and He shines His light on you and the problem, you usually see your motivation for what it is.

Check your attitude.  A tender spirit expressed through loving confrontation says, “I care about you.  I respect you and I want you to respect me.  I want to know how you feel.”  Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run down your partner.  Do you have a spirit of humility or pride?

Check the circumstances.  The circumstances may include timing, location and setting.  Perhaps the most important is timing. Barbara should not confront me as I walk in the house after a hard day’s work.  I should not confront her as she’s helping a sick child.

Check to see what other pressures may be present.  Be sensitive to where your mate is coming from.  What’s the context of your mate’s life right now.

Check your readiness to take it as well as dish it out.  Sometimes a confrontation can boomerang.  Your mate may have some stuff saved on the other side of the fence that may come right back at you.

Check the emotional temperature.  Call a time-out if the conflict escalates.  Hot, emotionally charged words don’t bring peace.  Say to each other, “I’m not running away from our talk, I love you and want to work this out–but I need a little time to process before we continue our conversation.”

How you handle conflict in your marriage and family will determine what kind of relationships you experience.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

SATURDAY Q&A 

 NOTE:  The following question and answer is from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

Question #1.  How can we become friends again after the children are gone?

Answer #1.  

The most important thing you can do is to begin to develop some common interests, some things you enjoy doing together.  Find something to share and make your relationship a priority.  Rediscovering or even rebuilding the common basis that you lost during the years when he spent all day at work and you spent all day with the kids will take time and hard work.

One of you need to take the steps to participate in an activity that the other already is involved in or interested in, so that the relationship can have a chance to grow.  The husband and wife need to reach a compromise, sacrificing their own rights and wishes for the ultimate good of the relationship.

You can also try to uncover a common cause, or a shared mission–some ministry that both of you can passionately support.  Couples across the nation have found their common cause in mentoring younger couples.  They are dedicating part of their lives to teaching others how to make marriages work and how to build godly homes through leading small groups in our HomeBuilders Couples Series.  These can be the best years of your life!

REASONS MARITAL PRAYERS ARE NOT ANSWERED (Part 1)

If God hears all of our prayers concerning our marriage, then why are they not all answered?

1John 5:14-15 “And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask anything according to his will, he hearth us; and if we know that he hears us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.”

We need to blame ourselves if our prayers seem unanswered.

We must BLAME ourselves because of our motives, our pride, and our prayerlessness.

Matt.7:7-8 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for every one that asketh receiveth; and  he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”

John 14:13-14 “And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do…if ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it.”

Selfish Motives

The first reason for God not answering prayers is that we ask for selfish reasons.

Our human acts are many times based on selfish MOTIVES.

James acknowledges that the problem of unanswered prayer is us.

James 4:3 “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

CASE AND POINT:  Many years ago we heard an evangelist preach on faith.  He said, “Don’t bother the father for a 44 Ford.”  In other words, have faith for something great!  If you are going to pray for a car, pray for a brand new good running car.  I remember thinking it was the funniest sermon I had ever heard.  But I still remember his words.

We are to pray and ask God for a good Godly marriage and believe it will happen.

Many times you may look at your spouse and think that change will NEVER happen.

When I first got saved, there were things that I wanted changed in my husband.

God told me I won’t see any change in my husband till I changed my ATTITUDES.

My prayers were asking “a miss”.

I was praying selfish prayers with selfish motives.

I wanted everything MY WAY to make my life easier.

That was not Gods will for my life.

God wanted me to be CHRISTLIKE, not Nancylike.

That meant that in order for me to become Christlike, I had to go to God everyday to help me through my issues.

I needed to partner with the Holy Spirit in order for me to DIE to self.

Life became very hard and Christianity was an uphill battle for me.

It was uphill because I didn’t want to die, my flesh wanted to RULE.

I continued with my selfish prayers till I made the decision to do it Gods way.

If you line your marital prayers up to Gods word, you will get a “yes” from God every time.

“The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield.  Jas.3:17 NKJV

Get on the same page with God.

He desires to ANSWER all the prayers he is listening to from you.

He is waiting for your prayers to line up with His word.

NOTE:  Tomorrow the post will continue on with the other two reasons your prayers are not answered.

YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS THESE (Part6) 

Every human being has a need to be loved.

Your spouse has a NEED in his life to be loved!

Prov.19:22 “What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.”

How do we learn to love?

1Pet.2:18-21 “Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the forward.  For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.  For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye take it patiently?  But if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.  For even hereunto were ye called:  because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps.”

In these verses, we are being told to be good and show love to everyone, even the undeserving.

Do you FEEL that your spouse is undeserving of your love?

God does not feel the way you do; in fact, God commands us as a child of God to love in spite of circumstances.

In your marriage you have to look at every day as a PACKAGE.

You should open up your heart every morning as soon as you wake up, like a package and let love in.

“From the rising of the sun to its setting, let the name of the Lord be praised.”  Psa.113:3

Do you try to fill the day with experiences based on love?

Love doesn’t waste a day!!!

At night you should close up all the loving experiences of the day and put them away in the PACKAGE.

This will help you to forgive any offenses that have been done to you by your spouse during the day.

When a marriage or home is threatened, the basic cause is SPIRITUAL.

The remedy is spiritual, not psychological.

CASE AND POINT:  I worked in downtown Los Angeles for the City of Los Angeles for 13 years.  All those streets have precious memories for me with friends and family since I also always went downtown with my grandmother as a little girl.  As we looked at the tall Occidental Building where my husband worked for a very short time when he was 18, we started to reminisce.  Then I turned to him and asked, “Where did 49 years go to?”  Well that was the wrong thing to say because it spoiled our fun!!  Reality set in and we both had to accept the fact that 49 years did pass in a flash.

YOUR time on earth will pass in a flash also as opportunities to show love to your spouse will pass you by.

I thank God that He intervened in my life with salvation and gave me an opportunity to love people (including my spouse) with His love.

I have had 42 years of boxing up beautiful EXPERIENCES because of Christ being Lord of my life.

As a Christian I have had all those years to show and share Gods love with my spouse.

What about YOU?

Is it hard for you to treat your spouse with the love of God?

Maybe you don’t THINK he deserves it!!

Well, neither do you or I deserve Gods love!

But that is what makes it SWEETER!!

It can be even sweeter to God to see us loving an undeserving spouse.

Don’t wander in CIRCLES like the Israelites in the desert.

You can fill the “need to be loved” for your spouse!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.