LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

You Play, You Pay!!

In the United States, approximately two and a half million people with more than one million children struggled through a heart wrenching divorce this last year.

God HATES divorce, and we will research the wisdom of Gods word and find out why.

Malachi 2:16a “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce…” (In Hebrew, the pronunciation is sane. This word was used to describe how God felt about His enemy or foe.)

As a child I was obsessed with Monopoly the money game. The day my dad left home when I was thirteen, life was never the same for our family ever again. Divorce wasn’t a game for us because there were no WINNERS.

Here is a list from professionals on advice of what to do when considering a divorce. Keep in mind that this is before the other spouse even knows what is about to happen to them. Also, this is not godly counsel. Notice how it is all about MONEY.

1. Consult and hire a lawyer.

2. Know your spouses income.

3. Assess what you can earn.

4. Learn about family’s financial holdings.

5. Assess your family’s debt.

6. Make photocopies of all family financial records.

7. Take stock of your family’s valuables.

8. Learn how much it costs to run a household.

9. Determine where you will live.

10. Start saving money.

11. Build up your own credit.

12. Withdraw your money from the bank.

13. Consider canceling charge cards.

14. Take property that belongs to you and safeguard it.

15. Don’t make any unnecessary major purchases.

This one particular book on surviving divorce had another 361 pages concerning financial problems after the spouse knows about the intentions of divorce.

The end of the verse in Malachi 2:16 says, “…For it covers ones garments with violence.”

If I saw my spouse running around opening and closing bank accounts, secretly making photocopies, opening and closing credit cards, stocking up family valuables, and googling for divorce lawyers, I’d be “hot under the collar” to say the least.

Tomorrow we will continue our blog with garments of violence.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

Do people say you are “Hot or Cold”?

If you are not  hot or cold, then you are mediocre.

Mediocre is lacking in exceptional quality or ability.

Mediocrity is a person of second-rate ability or value.

If we are talking about weather, mediocrity is sublime.  Los Angeles, California is the place to be.  You are within an hour from sunny beaches, and within an hour to snowy mountains.  But we are not talking about weather!!!!

We are talking about your MARRIAGE.

You must not be lukewarm about your marriage or Gods judgment will spew you out of his mouth.

Rev.3:15-16 To the church in Laodicea,

vs.15-16 “…I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to  SPIT  you out of my mouth…you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.”

Christ severely warns the church of judgment against lukewarmness.  He is a God of excellence and desires us to be passionate about our marriage.

Are we sure that he is also talking about our marriages?

YES!!   Because in Mal.2:11 He calls marriage His …”holy institute”…. We don’t ever mess with anything that is holy because it means that it is sacred.  Set apart.

A mediocre marriage leads to divorce and God “hates divorce”  Mal.2:16.

It’s a funeral that never ends!

NOTE:   Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

TIME TO GROW UP

It dawned on me one day, in the middle of a petty argument with Barbara, that it was time for me to grow up. I had to stop acting like one of the kids. I suddenly realized that if I were going to be a man, I couldn’t go on acting like a child. And so, just as Paul Said, I determined to put away childish things (1 Cor. 13:11).

     Some of the unhappiest husband-wife relationships I know of are those in which one or both spouses have never grown up. They continue to act in petty, hurtful, and fault-finding ways. They still speak rashly and rudely, with little regard for how their words may hurt the other. They still think life revolves around them, and have trouble taking responsibility for their actions and choices. They refuse to admit they ever do anything wrong. They blame, ridicule, and find ways to get back at their spouses.

     In other words, they speak, think, and reason as children.

     Think of any tense times you’ve had with your mate recently. Can you detect in your own attitude any of the above descriptions of childishness? And if so, what will it take for you to grow up? Ultimately, it is our relationship with Christ and time spent in prayer, reading God’s Word, and in relationships with other godly people that move us from being childish to being mature.

NOTE:  This article is from the Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed!

OUT OF A DARK CORNER

     If you and your mate do not put the past behind you, then your past will continue to cast its shadow into your present and future. Specifically, if you want to help your mate develop confidence and a healthy self-image, you will have to talk about negative or hurtful things your in laws may have said or done that left their marks on your spouse. The following are some tips for helping your mate in this area.

     First, begin to work with your spouse to get the problem fully out in the open. Talk about how your own parents treated you, and then ask your mate to share his or her experiences. Be patient. Talking about these things can be very painful.

     Second, help your mate understand his or her parents. Proverbs 24:3 reads, “Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” Understanding is essential in your mate’s relationship with his or her parents. Talk together about your mate’s parents and seek to put their lives in proper perspective.

     Third, remind your mate that God’s grace and power are greater than any parents’ mistakes. No matter how poor a person’s home life may have been, God delights in resurrecting a damaged self-image and restoring dignity to that wounded person. Point your mate toward Christ and the hope He offers by verbally drawing attention to Jesus and expressing your confidence and belief in the greatness of God. Recall any shared instances when God showed Himself strong.

     Fourth, help your mate determine how to respond to his or her parents. None of us controls how we were treated as a child but we do have control over how we will relate to our parents today. Point out some positive things about your in-laws’ parenting and how you are the benefactor of those good traits. This is important even if your mate’s parents are no longer living.

     Fifth, help your mate experience all that God has for you by clipping any ties of inappropriate dependence. Genesis 2:24 makes clear we are to leave our parents, which means we no longer remain dependent on them for money, for an undue amount of emotional support, or for acceptance.

     Sixth, encourage your mate to make the choice to forgive his or her parents-completely. To forgive someone means to give up the right to punish them. Patiently and gently urge your mate to deal with the past constructively, to put away punishing emotions and replace them with an attitude of love and understanding.

NOTE:  This article was taken from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ROMANCING YOUR SPOUSE

Do you get so caught up with the issues of the day that you don’t even have time for your husband?

You need to make “turning towards” your spouse a priority.

In order to keep your romance alive, let your spouse know that you value him.

 Not once a year, but try to make it a point everyday.

Even if it is as small as thanking him for helping you with something you asked him to do.

Even if you are shopping, it is a time that romance can grow because you are doing it together.

The point is that you are doing something together and “face-to-face.”

Think of words of encouragement to tell your spouse.

If you know your spouse is having a bad day, leave him a loving voicemail.

If there is a place he likes to go, make the suggestion that you go after work together for a date.

What ever you choose to do together, you are making a choice to “turn towards” each other rather than turn away.

Remember, that you are your spouses “companion.”

Mal.2:14  “…she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”

This is something that wives forget to do which is to “have fun” with their spouse.

It is sad to see in a marriage, when one partner is always trying to get the attention of their spouse just to get affection, support, or humor.

When their spouse does not “turn towards” them, then they usually turn away from the one they were trying to get attention from.

I heard once that it is better to find a babysitter for your spouse, than your spouse find a sitter for himself.

Wake up, girls!!

Turn face-to-face with your spouse!

You both need romance, and emotional connection in your marriage.

Do you read together?

Are you silent or do you talk over meals?

God made Eve for Adam in order to have someone for him to be emotionally engaged with.

Face-to-face involvement is necessary in order to stay together and in order to avoid departure of one of the spouses.

The difference in the outcome of your marriage is your “emotional bank account.”

It is like putting money in the bank every time you take the initiative to “turn towards” each other.

You need a build up in your “emotional savings” so when conflict or stress hits your marriage, you will make allowances for a negative action from your spouse.

The key to a long-lasting romance is to “turn toward” each other in little ways every day.

Face-to-face!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WHAT’S AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT SPOUSE?

If you are an emotionally intelligent wife, you will be intimately familiar to your spouse’s world.

Mal.2:14 “…she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant.”

He called this familiarity to your spouse’s world “love mapping.”

CASE AND POINT:  It seems like every time I turn on my computer, there is an “update” that needs to take place.  If I don’t update my computer, there is a chance of me losing information that I need.

In the same way, if you don’t update the important information about your spouse, you can loose touch and your relationship can drift to the point that you wake up one day and don’t know each other.

John M. Gottman Ph.D, in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” defines love mapping as the part of the brain that stores all the relevant information about your partner’s life.

Do you know your spouses goals in life?

Do you know your spouses worries?

Do you know your spouses hopes?

If you don’t really know someone, you can’t really love them.

The biblical term for sexual love is “to know”.

Having a baby is one life event, or a job shift is a life event, or an illness; these events change a “love map.”

The more you know and understand your spouse, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

Getting to know your spouse better is a lifelong process.

LOVE MAP QUESTIONNAIRE

By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Answer TRUE or FALSE to the following statement.

1. I can name my partners best friends.
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my husband lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
8. I know my partner’s favorite music.
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.
10. My spouse is familiar with my current stresses.
11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.
12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to mypartner as a child.
13. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life.
14. I know my partner’s major current worries.
15. My spouse knows who my friends are.
16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery.
17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.
18. Periodically I ask my partner about his world right now.
19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
20. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.

Give yourself one point for each TRUE answer.

10 or above:  This is an area of strength for your marriage.  Try not to take for granted this knowledge and understanding of each other.  If you continue to keep in touch, you should be able to handle problems that arise.

Below 10:  Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area.  Take time to learn more about your spouse now, your relationship will grow stronger.

I heard once that if you really want to find things out about your husband, have a BarBQue with the men from his work and listen to their conversation.

I guess the guys at work know more about him than you do if you haven’t taken the time to learn.

It is time for a daily update!

Start today!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed

MY HUSBAND ISN’T HELPING ME!

Have you ever complained to God about what your husband wasn’t doing?

Of course you have?

There were times that I felt like I was doing every thing and thought that my husband should be working to help me.

This following biblical story explains how Jesus feels about those times of service.

Jesus was in the home of two sisters: Mary who was listening at Jesus’ feet and Martha who was cumbered about serving.

The word “cumbered” in the Greek means, draw away, distract; to be driven about mentally.

Luke 10:41-42 “And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

What was Martha being distracted from?

The “word”.  Jesus and the “word” are one.

She was distracted with too much serving and forgot Jesus.

Martha OVERRODE her bonding with Christ, by her service to Christ.

When you are on an “emotional rollercoaster”,  it separates you from Jesus and you are now no good to your marriage.

Luke 21:34 says, our hearts are overcharged with “…cares of this life...”

You need to humble yourself by casting your cares on Jesus instead of complaining about what your spouse is or isn’t doing.

Martha’s #1 purpose at that time was to make Jesus welcomed.  Instead, she snaps and complains to Jesus saying, “Don’t you care?”

Martha thought that you express your love for God through service.

Mary’s secret is that she knew her love for God could only be done through devotion.

Jesus is telling Martha that she must first be ministered to by her Savior, before she can effectively minister for her Savior.

You cannot be the Godly spouse that you want to be unless you spend TIME at the feet of Jesus.

Are you too busy serving Him that you can’t find time to love Him and listen to Him?

Charles Wesley said, “…Choose the better part; Serve with careful Martha’s hands and loving Mary’s heart.”

You can be radically changed if you listen to Jesus words, “…one thing is needful.”

Jesus pointed out that Mary’s choice to take the “good part” would not be taken from her.

It is good to be hooked up to Gods word—THAT IS YOUR LIFELINE!

When you choose to do what Mary did, you can live the good life.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

MENTAL DISTRESS IN MARRIAGE  (Part 2) 

Pride causes discouragement and depression when we worry.

Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction.”

Proverbs 29:23 “A man’s pride shall bring him low.”

To avoid this, God tells us to humble ourselves by letting him take care of our marital problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

1. Has God ever told you to be quiet, but you don’t.
2. Next you find yourself in a fight then you finally have to be quiet to end it.
3. Then you are depressed because you either said hurtful things or you were told hurtful truths.

God did not design us to be able to handle tomorrow’s problems.

He only gives us enough grace to get through TODAYS marital issues.

When you cast your cares, that act of humility demonstrates your faith.

When the verse says, …the mighty hand of God…”, it means that God can hand-le anything and everything.

Let God use His “mighty hand in your marriage.”

Worry does not empty tomorrow’s problem, it just empties today’s strength.

THE WORD CHOKED

Mark 4:18-19  “And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word, And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.””

This is saying that after you have heard Gods word, you still allow things to enter your heart and it strangles Gods word that is in you.

After suffocating Gods word, you can no longer PRODUCE fruit in your life, so you miss out on a good harvest.

This mentions three things that choke the word:

1. The cares of the world.
2. The deceitfulness of riches.
3. The lust of other things.

We start to allow the problems, rather than Gods word to tell us how to act.

Luke 21:34 “And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting (being overfull), and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.”

OUCH!   I said, “OUCH!!”

You have been warned to not be “overcharged.”

Overcharged means to feel stressed, depressed and just an emotional wreck.

You won’t be able to hear the VOICE of God.

Also, notice in Luke 21:34 that a person who is “overcharged” with the “cares of this world” are on the same category as a drunkard.

People who are drunk are not alert, sharp or perceptive.

You cannot make good marital DECISIONS when you are overcharged with the cares of this world.

The choice is yours:  You can sin by letting things bother you, or you can choose to not let things bother you.

A WORRY FREE LIFE IS YOUR CHOICE.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MENTAL DISTRESS IN MARRIAGE (Part 1) 

Faith is a reaction from the heart based on something God has said.

Fear (or worry) is a reaction from the mind or emotions based on something your circumstance (or the devil) has said.

According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, the word “Worry” when used as a noun means: “mental distress or agitation resulting from concern usually for something impending or anticipated.”

Have you experienced “mental distress” in your marriage?

The words “mental stress” means that your mind and emotions are suffering.

The synonyms for worry are: agonize, fret, be anxious, be concerned, be troubled, be bothered, be apprehensive, be nervous, be fearful, and lose sleep.

Worry can be destructive to every area of your life as negative forces work in the mental and emotional realm.

Worry is something YOU ALLOW.

How many times a day do you open the door and welcome worry into your life and marriage?

Negative thoughts will NEVER bring you peace and joy.

Worry never deals with the known realm—

It always deals with the unknown realm.

Worry never deals on the positive—

it always deals on the negative.

 Think of all the things in your marriage that you worry about UNNECESSARILY.

When you worry, you are more SELF-conscious than GOD-conscious.

You are being carnally minded!!

If you are worried about something, you are in fear, not in faith.

The act of worry is sin!  Rom.14:23b “…whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”

HUMILITY

You cannot be humble and worry at the same time because worry is rooted in pride.

When we worry, we are not trusting God and we start trusting in ourselves to resolve our own problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

If we “cast all our care” then we would be carefree!

Carefree is :  untroubled, lighthearted, relaxed, cheerful or free from care.

God is telling us that a true sign of humility is casting your cares on Him.

When you have marital problems and you handle it yourself, you are telling God, “I don’t believe you will solve this for me.”

If you do that, you are now on the throne of your marital life and NOT GOD!

Only you can let God back on the throne.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

Praying For Your Spouse

“She does him good….” Proverbs 31:12a
Bless your husband by praying for him!
The Apostle Paul instructed all Christians to pray for one another (Ephesians 6:18).

This includes wives’ responsibility and privilege to pray for their husbands.

Earnest prayer for your husband is good for him, for you and the spiritual health of your home (Proverbs 31:11-12).
Satan desires to destroy your husband, especially his character and his leadership in your
relationship.

Trust God through prayer as you daily surrender your husband and marriage to the
Lord’s wise, loving care.

31 Days of Prayer

Day 1
Pray that your husband will grow spiritually and consider his accountability before the Lord.
Pray that he will guard his heart by developing spiritual disciplines—Bible reading and study,
prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc. (2 Peter 3:18; Prov. 4:23)

Day 2
Pray that your husband’s relationship with God and His Word will bear fruit in his life. Pray that
he will be a man of wisdom and understanding, fearing the Lord. (Prov. 3:7, 9:10; Ps. 112:1)

Day 3
Pray that your husband will be humble and quick to agree with God about his sin. Pray that his
heart will be tender toward the voice of the Lord. (Ps. 51:2-4; Micah 6:8)

Day 4
Pray that your husband will grow in leadership skills in your relationship—protecting and
providing for you. Pray that he will lead you wisely and love you sacrificially, so that God will
be glorified in your marriage. (Eph. 5:25-29; Col. 3:19)

Day 5
Pray that your husband will be faithful to his wedding vows. Pray that he will have a desire to
cultivate your relationship as a sign of his loyalty and commitment to you, and as a picture of
Christ’s love for the Church. (Prov. 20:6; Gen. 2:24)

Day 6
Pray that your husband will love righteousness and hate wickedness, especially the evils of the
culture. Pray that he will recognize and avoid wickedness in his own life, and if necessary, take a
clear, strong stand against evil. (Prov. 27:12; John 17:15; 1 Cor. 10:12-13)
2

Day 7
Pray that your husband will safeguard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the
opposite sex. Pray that his heart will be pure and undivided in his commitment to you. (Prov.
6:23-24, 26; Rom. 13:14)

Day 8
Pray that your husband will work hard to provide for your family, to the best of his ability. Pray
that the character qualities necessary for a successful career and ministry will be a growing part
of his character – persistence, decisiveness, strength, an analytical mind, organizational skills,
positive relationships with people, determination, etc. (Rom. 12:11; 1 Cor. 15:58)

Day 9
Pray that your husband handle finances wisely, will have discernment concerning budgeting and
investments, and will be a good steward of his money in regard to giving to the Lord’s work.
Pray that money will not become a source of discord in your family. (Prov. 23:4-5; Rom. 12:13;
Heb. 13:5)

Day 10
Pray that your husband will cultivate strong integrity, and not compromise his convictions. Pray
that his testimony will be genuine, that he will be honest in his business dealings, and will never
do anything that he needs to hide from others. (Prov. 20:7; 1 Tim. 1:5, 3:7; Eph. 6:10-12)

Day 11
Pray that your husband will have a humble, teachable spirit and a servant’s heart before the Lord.
Pray that he will listen to God and desire to do His will. (Prov. 15:33; Eph. 6:6)

Day 12
Pray that your husband will yield his sexual drive to the Lord and practice self control. Pray that
your sexual intimacy together will be fresh, positive, and a reflection of selfless love. (Prov.
5:15, 18; 1 Cor. 7:3; Song of Solomon 7:10)

Day 13
Pray that your husband use practical skills to build your family and make wise decisions for your
welfare. Pray that he will serve unselfishly. (Gal. 5:13; Phil. 2:3-4)

Day 14
Pray that your husband will speak words that build you and your family, and reflect a heart of
love. Pray that he will not use filthy language. (Prov. 18:21; Eph. 4:29)

Day 15
Pray that your husband will choose his friends wisely. Pray that God will bring him men who
will encourage his accountability before God, and will not lead him into sin. (Prov. 13:20; Prov.
27:17)
3
Day 16

Pray that your husband will choose healthy, God-honoring activities. Pray that he will not live in
bondage to any questionable habits or hobbies, but that he will experience freedom in holiness as
he yields to the Spirit’s control. (1 Cor. 6:12, 10:31; 2 Tim. 2:4)

Day 17
Pray that your husband will enjoy his manliness as he patterns his life after Christ and strong
men in the faith. Pray for his physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual strength. (Eph.
3:16; 1 Peter 2:21; 1 Cor. 10:11)

Day 18
Pray that your husband will have an eternal perspective—living in light of eternity. Pray that he
will reject materialism and temporal values and put God first in his life. (Matt. 6:33; Deut. 6:5;
Eph. 5:16; Ps. 90:12)

Day 19
Pray that your husband will be patient and a man of peace. Pray that he will not give in to anger,
but will allow the Holy Spirit to control his responses. (Rom. 14:19; Ps. 34:14)

Day 20
Pray that your husband will yield his mind and thoughts to the Lord. Pray that he will not
entertain immoral or impure thoughts, and that he will resist the temptation to indulge in
pornography. (Prov. 27:12; 2 Cor. 10:5)

Day 21
Pray that your husband will learn how to relax in the Lord and, in his greatest times of stress,
find joy and peace in his relationship with God. Pray that he will submit his schedule to the Lord.
(Neh. 8:10; Prov. 17:22; Ps. 16:11)

Day 22
Pray that your husband will practice forgiveness in your relationship and with others. Pray that
he will recognize any roots of bitterness, and yield any resentment and unforgiving attitudes to
the Lord. (Eph. 4:32; Heb. 12:15)

Day 23
Pray that your husband will be a good father—disciplining his children wisely and loving them
unconditionally. If he is not a father, pray that he will find a young man to mentor in the things
of the Lord. (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21; 2 Tim. 2:1-2)

Day 24
Pray that your husband will have a balanced life—that he will balance work and play. Pray that
he will fear God, but also gain favor with people he knows at work and church. (Luke 2:52;
Prov. 13:15)
4

Day 25
Pray that your husband will be courageous in his stand against evil and injustice, and that he will
stand for the truth. Pray that he will protect you and your family from Satan’s attacks. (Ps.
31:24; Eph. 6:13; Ps. 27:14)

Day 26
Pray that your husband will discover and live his God-given purpose. Pray that he will offer all
his dreams to the Lord, and pursue only those goals that will bring God glory and count for
eternity. (Jer. 29:11; 1 Cor. 10:31)

Day 27
Pray that your husband will understand the importance of taking care of his body—the temple of
the Holy Spirit—for the glory of God. Pray that he will practice self-control by making wise
food choices, and get sufficient exercise to stay healthy. (Rom. 12:1-2; 1 Cor. 6:19-20, 9:27)

Day 28
Pray that your husband will be a man of prayer. Pray that he will seek and pursue God in
purposeful quiet times. (1 Thess. 5:17; Luke 22:46; James 5:16)

Day 29
Pray that your husband will surrender his time and talents to the Lord. Pray that his spiritual gifts
will be manifest in his career, at church, and in your home. (Eph. 5:15-16; 1 Cor. 12:4, 7)

Day 30
Pray that your husband will serve God and others with pure motives. Pray that he will obey the
Lord from his heart, and glorify Him in everything. (1 Cor. 10:13; John 7:17-18; Col. 3:23-24)

Day 31
Pray that your husband will recognize the lies of the Enemy in his life. Pray that his attitudes and
actions will be guided by the truth as he brings his thoughts into captivity to the Word of God.
(John 8:44; 2 Cor. 10:4-5)

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.