LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

YOU GET WHAT YOU PLANT

ONE OF THE LAWS OF NATURE is that you never harvest one thing when you’ve planted something else.

You don’t get watermelons by planting cucumbers.

Whatever seed you plant “grows of its own accord” (Lev.25:5).

Marriage is a lot like that—we never get out of marriage what we do not put into it.

One man confessed, “At work I concentrate on winning, and as a result, I am a winner.  At home, however, I concentrate on just getting by.”

It’s no wonder he is losing.

The seed he planted, neglect, grows of it’s own accord.

Americans normally think of themselves as winners.

We are used to winning, but too many times, in the wrong places.

As a result, we end up losing in the important places, such as at home.

The late Vance Havner once said, “Americans  know the price of everything, but the value of nothing.”

If a business goes bankrupt, the president or the chairman of the board is to blame.

Similarly, if our homes fail, you and I are to blame.

We must master the ageless art of leadership and apply it to our families.

If we ever hope to win at home, then we must consider what kind of harvest we want in the end.

If we plant seeds of commitment, to Christ and to one another, along with seeds of forgiveness and respect, we might well expect that God will grant us a great harvest.

NOTE:  This article from “Marriage Life Family Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

INCREASE ROMANCE AND INTIMACY

A TV talk show host was interviewing one of Hollywood’s biggest male stars, a man known for his prowess with the opposite sex.

At one point, the host asked him, “What makes a great lover?”

“Two things,” the actor replied.  “First of all, it is a man who can satisfy one woman over a lifetime.

And second, it is a man who can be satisfied with one woman for a lifetime.”

What a great answer!

The foundation of a strong, romantic marriage is a solid commitment of unconditional love.

Romance is an outward expression of that love.

It is the fire in the fireplace—the warm response of one spouse to another that says, “We may have struggles, but I love you, and everything is okay.  Now, let’s have some fun!”

The easiest way to increase the amount of true romance in your marriage is to build a lasting marriage of oneness and intimacy.

And how do you accomplish that?

You and your mate must commit to meet each other’s physical and emotional needs.

Do that, and you’ll start to make romance an everyday part of your marriage.

NOTE:  This article in the book “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER  

Question #1.  How can a young couple best handle the inevitable challenges of the first five years of marriage?

Answer #1.  Some of the more common areas of conflict most couples face early on include: finances, in-laws, spiritual growth together, the roles of husband and wife, where to attend church, and conflict resolution.  Consider a few pointers that will go a long way toward helping you and your spouse handle these challenges:

1.  During your first years of marriage, I’d strongly recommend that you ask a more mature couple to mentor you.

Habits are formed early in marriage, so why not ask someone who’s a bit further down the road to train both of you.

2.  When  you married, you began a life-long commitment to love and forgiveness.  

Remain committed.  Love always.  Remember,  “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1Pet.4:8).

3.  Your marriage won’t grow without communication and understanding.  

You’ll know you understand your spouse when you can verbally express your mate’s actual needs and desires, and he or she agrees with that expression.  Guys, seek to understand your wives.   Ladies, help him to understand you.

4.  Walk a mile in your mate’s shoes.  

Accept God’s provision, knowing that He has an agenda for your life even through unmet expectations.

5.  Don’t give up on your dreams.  

While all the things you imagined your marriage to be may not come true, God may have a new dream for you.  talk about your dreams.  Then dream together.

NOTE:  This article is from the “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

THREE ARE PRESENT

THE BIBLE HAS A LOT to say about the benefits of fearing God.

Leviticus 19:14, for example, indicates that a healthy fear of God  will motivate us to care for the needs of the disadvantaged with grace and kindness.

Proverbs 22:4 tells us that fearing God leads us to life, while Proverbs 10:27 tells us that it prolongs life.

And Psalm 145:19 says the Lord will fulfill the desires of those who fear Him.

In the New Testament, we see that the fear of God is the glue that holds our relationships—including our marriages—together.

Ephesians 5:21 tells us that we should be “submitting to one another in the fear of God”. 

I doubt that there is any dispute or problem in marriage that can’t be solved if both spouses properly fear the Lord and mutually honor and value each other out of that reverential respect for who God is.

A marriage should be a relationship in which forgiveness and acceptance are freely expressed because we live our lives in His presence.

In a Christian marriage, three are present: The husband, the wife, and Jesus Christ.

If the husband and wife share a mutual reverence and a holy desire to obey and serve Christ; God will  use that healthy fear to draw the couple closer to each other and closer to Himself.

NOTE:  This article in “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

ISOLATION A MARRIAGE KILLER

Isolation is the great killer of marriages.

Many marriages continue for years in a state of armed truce.

Competition replaces cooperation and ugly reality dashes dreams as conflict unravels the fabric of love and concern.

The choice to heal those rifts is yours.

Every day, each partner makes choices that result in oneness or in isolation.

Here are three important choices you need to make:

Choice #1:  Resolve to pursue oneness with each other and repent of any isolation that already exists.

Remember, you don’t have to be married a long time to feel isolated.

Choice #2: Resolve to never go to bed angry with one another.

Find a way to resolve your differences and move towards oneness.

Resentment and oneness cannot coexist.

Choice #3:  Resolve to take time to share intimately with each other.

Allow your spouse into your life.

Ask questions of your spouse and listen patiently.

Learn the art of healthy, transparent communication.

MAKE  THE RIGHT CHOICES and you’ll know love, warmth, acceptance and the freedom of true intimacy and genuine oneness.

Make the wrong choices and you’ll know the quiet desperation of living together but never really touching each other deeply.  As a couple, resolve that you will not allow isolation to set up residence in your marriage.

NOTE:  This articles is from the book “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

RESPECTFULLY LEAVE YOUR PARENTS

You may have moved out of their house a long time ago, but have you really left your parents behind?

God did not mince words when He instructed a married couple to leave their parents.

The Hebrew word that normally gets translated leave from Gen.2:24 more fully means “to forsake dependence upon,” “lose,” “leave behind,” “release,” and  “let go.”

Centuries later, Jesus addressed this issue when He said that God never intended for anybody—not in-laws, not mother, not father, not children, not friends, not pastors, not employers—to come between a husband and a wife (Matt.19:6).  No one!

After our wedding ceremony, Barbara and I walked down the aisle together, symbolically proclaiming to all witnesses that we had left our parents.

We had forsaken our dependence upon them for our livelihood and emotional support, and were turning now to each other—for the rest of our lives—as the most important persons in our universe.

This public affirmation of our covenant to each other meant, “No relationship on earth, other than my relationship with Jesus Christ and God, is more important to me than the one with my spouse.”

If you or your spouse has not fully left mother and father, begin to discuss how you have failed to leave and what you can do today to truly forsake dependence upon your parents and cleave to one another.

NOTE: This article is from the book, “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage successful.

ADD EMPATHY TO YOUR COMMUNICATION

THE DICTIONARY traditionally defines understanding as “the faculty of the human mind by which it…comprehends the ideas which others express and intend to communicate.”

Yet in the Bible, understanding is not just a transfer of information, but empathy for the other person.

Consider Exodus 36:1, which tells how two craftsmen named Bezalel and Aholiab were given divine wisdom and understanding, “to know how to do all manner of work for the service of the sanctuary,” so that they could “do according to all that the Lord has commanded.”

This is a scriptural example of what the Bible refers to as “understanding.”

These men, and the other artisans working under their supervision, were given the divine ability not only to know how to work their magic with gold and silver and leather and beautiful fabrics and thread, but also how to communicate with one another in a way that would move their assignment forward.

Barbara and I have found that this kind of understanding—the kind that goes beyond mere facts to empathize with the other—is essential in building our relationship and family.

When I know that she tries to understand some situation from my perspective (and vice versa), it’s amazing how problems dissipate.

As we make Jesus Christ the Builder of our homes (Psa.127:1), we can begin to see our relationship reflect God’s character.

NOTE: This article is from the book, “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

MAINTAINING EMOTIONAL and MORAL FIDELITY

For so many people, Christians included, adultery is the first step out of a marriage.  An emotional or sexual attachment to someone other than your spouse creates intense passions that sabotage trust and steal marital intimacy.  For that reason, God stated emphatically in the Seventh Commandment, “You shall not commit adultery” (Ex.20:14).

Adultery destroys homes and lives.  Proverbs 6:27-29 details the consequences of playing with this kind of fire, “Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?  So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent.”

Adultery, as alluring as it may seem, always fails to live up to its promises.  It pledges excitement and fulfillment, and instead delivers pain and alienation.  Peter Blichington, in his outstanding book Sex Roles and the Christian Family, cites a study by the Research Guild that measured sexual satisfaction.  The guild found that “Compared with the 67% of men and 55% of woman who find marital sex very pleasurable, only 47% of the men and 37 % of the women with extramarital experience rate its sexual aspect very pleasurable.”

The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence!

The glistening highway of adultery is actually a rutted back road littered with loneliness, guilt, and broken hearts.  Adultery supplants loyalty and trust with fear and suspicion.  The consequences are enormous and last for a lifetime.  As my colleague and friend Bob Lepine warns, “No sex outside of marriage is that good!”

Will you commit to emotional and moral fidelity to your spouse, no matter how much you struggle in your marriage?  If so, three steps are critical.

First, maintain a healthy sexual relationship.  Lovingly study your mate to learn what will keep him or her interested and satisfied in your sexual relationship.  Cultivate the fine–and often forgotten—art of romance.  Pursue your spouse with the same creativity and energy that characterized your dating relationship.

Second, guard your heart in relation to the opposite sex.  According to Jesus, the eyes are the doorway to the heart (Matt.6:22, 23)  For this reason, restrict your gaze and refuse the temptation to look longingly at other men or women.  Don’t fantasize about someone else.

Proverbs 4:23 counsels, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”  Build boundaries around your heart by making yourself accountable to a friend for your secret thoughts.

Third, be honest with your spouse about temptations.  One of the most important practices Barbara and I employed early in our marriage was that of sharing with each other when we experienced temptations.  On more than one occasion I’ve asked her to pray for me because I was struggling with lust.  Once, in our first year of marriage, Barbara shared with me that a certain man was being inappropriately friendly with her.  These confessions can seem risky, but when a husband and wife are committed to each other, they actually help to nurture trust.

As partners in life, we need to protect our fidelity and trust…all the days of our lives.

NOTE:  This article was written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey from Family Life and Marriage Bible.

NOTE:  Every day there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

REJECT SELFISHNESS, CHOOSE HARMONY

TWO PEOPLE WHO BEGIN MARRIAGE by trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended.

The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago, “All of us like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way” (Is.53:6).

Isaiah didn’t know me, but his analysis sounds eerily familiar.

I want to go my own way, do my own thing.

I’m your basic, self-centered person.

We all instinctively look out for number one.

Selfishness is possibly the most dangerous threat to oneness in marriage.

Both partners enter marriage with all kinds of expectations, many of which go unmet because the other partner either doesn’t know what is expected, is incapable of complying, or is unwilling to meet the expectation.

Caught in this self-centered quagmire, many marriages end up stuck.

In our first years of marriage, I was more than a bit selfish.

I was skilled at looking out for my own needs.

But when I took Barbara as my wife, I assumed a new responsibility–loving Barbara as Christ loved the church.

And that meant rejecting selfishness (repeatedly!) and instead seeking harmony.

Marriage is one of God’s primary tools that He has given the human race to finish the process of our growing up!

NOTE:  This article was taken from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1.  I believe my spouse has built up resentment towards me for previous actions.  I have corrected my actions and asked my spouse for forgiveness and they said they granted it.   They still show resentment toward me and state, “It’s not you, it is me”.  I have prayed that the Lord would show my spouse the better person I have become and the true unconditional love I have.  I don’t know where I stand with my spouse but I feel a presence that tells me not to give up.  My family members think I’m crazy for staying in this situation but  I want to listen to God and fulfill the marriage covenant we both made to Him.  “For better or worse, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part.”  I take those words very serious and I don’t plan on lying to God anytime soon.  Do you have any advise?

Answer #1.  Don’t give up.  You didn’t say how long you violated your marriage vows.  They say if you do something to offend someone, it takes 20 thoughtful actions before they stop thinking about the one bad action.

God designed the brain to be able to recall events.  When an emotion is involved, we usually never forget.  The good side of this is that God gives us another opportunity to forgive that person once again.  When we do this, He rewards us here on earth and he stores treasures for us in heave.

Violations cause a wound in our souls.  When Jesus resurrected, the power of His resurrection gave us the ability to have our souls healed.  The word power in the Greek is “Dunamus”.  It means many things but two of it’s meanings are: “Excellent of soul” and “working of miracles.”  3John 2 reads, “I pray that you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers.”  

When your soul is EXCELLENT, then your finances and health will prosper.  You have a tank full of “dynamos.”  Thank God for His resurrecting power and claim your soul to be excellent as you forgive your spouse and anyone you need to forgive.   Aren’t you tired of not having money and being sick.

You are in good hands.  Jesus died so we would have the ability to forgive.  It takes a “divine super power” to forgive and that is exactly why Jesus said He was leaving us the Holy Spirit.  We are never more like God, then when we are forgiving.  It brings joy to Gods heart that we are surrendering our violation to Jesus as He surrendered His life for us.  Keep your spouse in prayer so they can release their pain and violation to God.  If you walk out of this marriage, then you are saying that you cannot forgive your spouse.

Read 1Peter 5:6-7  “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; Casting all your care upon him; because he cares for you.”  This is telling you to stay HUMBLE.  Place yourself under God by being sensitive to the Holy Spirit in your marriage.  Wait on God if it takes time but trust that God has heard your prayers and rest in that.  Cast this problem to God and leave it there.  Keep in mind that God has an investment in your marriage.  He paid a big price.  Don’t give up!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.