LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!

 Marriage is for grown ups.

Every time you get mad, you are in a NARCISSISTIC moment.

What we want becomes sacred; what the other person wants becomes silent.

When it comes to YOUR achievements and talents, do you exaggerate them or downplay them?

Narcissism is an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself.

Narcissism says, “I don’t care what is going on with you, it is all about me.”

Do you think that kind of an attitude will work in marriage?

How is it WORKING in your marriage??

Don’t turn the volume down when it comes to listening as your husband expresses his concerns.

When voices go up, the ABILITY to intake goes down.

Do you feel indignant (wronged) when your spouse’s behavior doesn’t comply with your expectations?  (frequently or rarely)

The single best measure of being emotionally healthy and being a grownup is the capacity for bilateral (2-sided) listening.

There are two speakers and they both count.

A person is narcissistic when all they HEAR is their own thoughts and interpretations of the concerns.

When it comes to your spouse, do you catch yourself fishing for compliments?  How about from other people?

CASE AND POINT:  When a tennis player is on the tennis court playing, they make mistakes all the time.  When they have missed a shot, they only have 25 seconds to get their emotions back into control before the next serve comes their way.  Many of them have therapists who teach them how to get their emotions focused for the next ball and off the anger of messing up that last ball.  They ask themselves what they can do to be more affective on their next play.

If an unsaved tennis player can be taught restraint by their therapist, why can’t a Christian do that in their own marriage.

You have God’s word to give you the knowledge, and the Holy Spirit to give you the guidance.

Deut.30:19 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life that both you and your descendants may life…”

What you do and how you act, affects your children and their children and your children’s children……etc.

Marriage isn’t a game, but why can’t you stop and ask the Holy Spirit to make you more affective on your next play?

Do you always have to have it YOUR way?

Can you pass the test of being a child of God or will you pass the test of being narcissistic?

The CHOICE is yours.

You can change today!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

REESTABLISHING MARITAL TRUST

God is into restoring our marriages if we give him the reins.

It is the responsibility of both spouses to REBUILD the marriage relationship.

There are many examples of biblical restoration of relationships.

One is the restoration of God back to his adulterous children of Israel.  (Joel 2:25)

Jer.30:17 “For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord…”

Other relationships restored were:  Paul and John Mark (Acts 15:36), Jacob and Esau (Gen.27:4), Prodigal Son and father (Luke 5:11-32).

*  Don’t react to feelings.

Don’t be preoccupied with YOUR feelings.

You will have the fear of being hurt that will try to overpower you.

Try to  avoid the following:

• Trying to control your spouse.
• Giving them the silent treatment.
• Withdrawing from intimacy.
• Seeking revenge.
• Acting like a martyr.

*  Allow time for healing.

It will take time to LEARN each others needs, feelings and expectations.

This process takes patience.

WAITING on God to do the work shows your trust in him.

*  Home Environment.

Maintain a STABLE home environment.

Practice humility even when your emotions are telling you that you deserve to express revenge.

Maintain an atmosphere of “love” in the home.

Strive everyday to build a SAFE emotional environment.

Make your sexual relationship a priority.

*  Don’t be on the defensive.

Beware of self-righteousness.

There NEEDS to be openness and listening.

Keep in mind that you are his companion, so find occasions to have fun.

Are your expectations REASONABLE?

Are you doing anything that is causing your spouse to escape his commitments?

This is a good time for self-examination on how you can become the person your spouse and family need you to be.

Ask the Holy Spirit for GUIDANCE.

Partner with the Holy Spirit to make your marriage a success.

You will reap the REWARDS of a grateful spouse.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

ADJUSTING TO BEING A STEPPARENT

If you or your spouse have children from a first marriage, you are taking on a very difficult task.

I have taken a portion from the book,”Helping Children Survive Divorce” by Dr. Archibald D. Hart.

Your family will need to make a series of important adjustments.

These adjustments fall into three clearly identifiable phrases.

First, there is the “honeymoon” phase.

Everyone is polite to each other.

The atmosphere may be a little strained, but no outward friction is evident yet.

Second, there is the “conflict” phase.

The  honeymoon is over and reality emerges.

Everyone is short-tempered, impatient, and intolerant even of small mistakes.

Little things irritate, and at times it seems as if the family will blow apart.

Third, There is the “contented” phase.

If the marriage survives the second stage, a final contented stage emerges.

All the necessary adjustments have been made, the corners have been knocked off tempers, and the irritating habits of the new spouse have become acceptable to all.

At last, familiarity brings comfort.

Making it to the third stage requires careful attention to the following points:

*  Do not force a new spouse to become a substitute parent to your children, even if your ex-spouse has totally abandoned this role.

*  Don’t rush the second phase of the remarriage process.

*  Keep communication with your children open at all times.

*  Don’t take sides, either with your children or with your new spouse.

*  Remind your new spouse that it is very normal for children, especially in the early stages of remarriage to feel a sense of betrayal and to be angry.

*  Keep all discipline free of anger.

Please note that we make every effort to encourage people not to divorce.  Children suffer even through adulthood.  This is to help those who have already remarried or are thinking of remarriage.  It is a long hard road and there is a 74% divorce rate.  This is to help those who have already remarried.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

THE PATTERN  FITS

If you’ve ever sewn a dress, you know how a pattern works.

When you begin, you don’t have a garment, but only some scraps of cloth.

When it’s properly fitted together and made usable with buttons, a zipper, or snaps, however, these incomplete pieces make a whole dress.

Every pattern has pairs of parts: two sleeves, two bodice pieces, a front and back skirt; even the collar and facing pieces usually come in twos.

That’s how it is in marriage.

God has designed a master pattern for husbands and wives that, when followed, will create a whole, usable, beautiful marriage.

I have experienced many frustrations in trying to fit in my part of the marriage pattern with my husband’s.

At times it felt too hard.

Yet I know by faith, and am convinced by experience, that God’s pattern for me as a wife is not meant to restrict my creativity in expressing who I am.

If I trust the pattern, the finished products reflects the full beauty that its Creator intended.

When this becomes a reality in my life, I experience oneness with God, oneness with my husband, and a real freedom to be all that God made me to be.

NOTE:  This article from the book “Family life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

LET YOUR HUSBAND FAIL

A man’s greatest need is to be honored, especially  by his wife.

Almost any woman is willing to honor a man who succeeds and is doing well.

What separates a mature wife from the rest is how she responds when her husband fails.

This is the test of true honor.

During a marriage, every husband is bound to do something wrong.

He will fail in some capacity.

If a wife cannot still honor him at those times, she may have end up with a wounded and dishonored husband.

I’ll never forget the Sunday I asked an older couple in our church to share their testimony about marriage.

After 30 years of marriage, they were madly in love.

I just knew everyone would benefit from their story.

The woman began by saying something that stunned me.

With her loving, sacrificial, distinguished husband right next to her, she detailed how, at the beginning of their marriage, he was such a lousy husband!

He didn’t know how to manage money.

He never spent any time at home.

They were broke, and he worked all the time.

He was insensitive to her needs.

He never prayed or led the family spiritually.

She said even more than that, letting loose all those negative comments with her husband right there by her side.

And he was smiling the whole time!

I couldn’t believe it.

As she concluded her remarks, this godly woman said something every woman needs to hear:

“When my husband and I began to have all our trouble early in our marriage, I knew I had a choice to make.  I could nag him and try to change him, or I could even leave him.  But in my heart, I knew none of those things were right.”

She continued:  “So I finally decided to let him fail and let God correct him as I honored and loved him.  After a period of time of praying for him and letting him fail, I saw God begin to change my husband right before my eyes.  Today, I have a righteous husband who loves me and meets my needs.”

The man she was standing with was not the man she married.

He was much, much better.

He didn’t get that way because she nagged him or demanded that he change.

He got that way because his wife treated him with respect.

What a powerful testimony!

Seldom will we make progress in a relationship by dishonoring a person or trying to force them to change.

The only way to do it is through prayer and treating them better than they deserve.

Ladies, don’t get me wrong:  You should absolutely feel free to express your disagreement to your husband at any time and about anything.

The last thing you should become is a doormat or an emotionless robot.

But when you tell him how you feel, do it with kindness and respect.

Treat him the way you want to be treated.

Honor him and pray for him.

Don’t nag.

Don’t become manipulative.

Don’t become irritable.

You may win a few battles with those tactics, but you’ll always lose the war.

Let your husband fail.

If you honor him even when he knows he doesn’t deserve it, God will use it in a powerful way.

He will deepen your husband’s love for you as He changes your husband’s heart.

NOTE:  This article written by Jimmy Evans.  (Jimmy Evans Ministry)

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

REJECT SELFISHNESS, CHOOSE HARMONY

TWO PEOPLE WHO BEGIN MARRIAGE by trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended.

The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago, “All of us like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way” (Is.53:6).

Isaiah didn’t know me, but his analysis sounds eerily familiar.

I want to go my own way, do my own thing.

I’m your basic, self-centered person.

We all instinctively look out for number one.

Selfishness is possibly the most dangerous threat to oneness in marriage.

Both partners enter marriage with all kinds of expectations, many of which go unmet because the other partner either doesn’t know what is expected, is incapable of complying, or is unwilling to meet the expectation.

Caught in this self-centered quagmire, many marriages end up stuck.

In our first years of marriage, I was more than a bit selfish.

I was skilled at looking out for my own needs.

But when I took Barbara as my wife, I assumed a new responsibility–loving Barbara as Christ loved the church.

And that meant rejecting selfishness (repeatedly!) and instead seeking harmony.

Marriage is one of God’s primary tools that He has given the human race to finish the process of our growing up!

NOTE:  This article was taken from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1.  I believe my spouse has built up resentment towards me for previous actions.  I have corrected my actions and asked my spouse for forgiveness and they said they granted it.   They still show resentment toward me and state, “It’s not you, it is me”.  I have prayed that the Lord would show my spouse the better person I have become and the true unconditional love I have.  I don’t know where I stand with my spouse but I feel a presence that tells me not to give up.  My family members think I’m crazy for staying in this situation but  I want to listen to God and fulfill the marriage covenant we both made to Him.  “For better or worse, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part.”  I take those words very serious and I don’t plan on lying to God anytime soon.  Do you have any advise?

Answer #1.  Don’t give up.  You didn’t say how long you violated your marriage vows.  They say if you do something to offend someone, it takes 20 thoughtful actions before they stop thinking about the one bad action.

God designed the brain to be able to recall events.  When an emotion is involved, we usually never forget.  The good side of this is that God gives us another opportunity to forgive that person once again.  When we do this, He rewards us here on earth and he stores treasures for us in heave.

Violations cause a wound in our souls.  When Jesus resurrected, the power of His resurrection gave us the ability to have our souls healed.  The word power in the Greek is “Dunamus”.  It means many things but two of it’s meanings are: “Excellent of soul” and “working of miracles.”  3John 2 reads, “I pray that you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers.”  

When your soul is EXCELLENT, then your finances and health will prosper.  You have a tank full of “dynamos.”  Thank God for His resurrecting power and claim your soul to be excellent as you forgive your spouse and anyone you need to forgive.   Aren’t you tired of not having money and being sick.

You are in good hands.  Jesus died so we would have the ability to forgive.  It takes a “divine super power” to forgive and that is exactly why Jesus said He was leaving us the Holy Spirit.  We are never more like God, then when we are forgiving.  It brings joy to Gods heart that we are surrendering our violation to Jesus as He surrendered His life for us.  Keep your spouse in prayer so they can release their pain and violation to God.  If you walk out of this marriage, then you are saying that you cannot forgive your spouse.

Read 1Peter 5:6-7  “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; Casting all your care upon him; because he cares for you.”  This is telling you to stay HUMBLE.  Place yourself under God by being sensitive to the Holy Spirit in your marriage.  Wait on God if it takes time but trust that God has heard your prayers and rest in that.  Cast this problem to God and leave it there.  Keep in mind that God has an investment in your marriage.  He paid a big price.  Don’t give up!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

AVOID EMOTIONAL ADULTERY

From the very beginning, God warned His people about the dangers of going astray (5:12).

It was a very real possibility then, and it remains so today.

Know that when you find yourself connecting with another person who starts becoming, in even the smallest way, a substitute for your marital partner, you’ve already started to travel a dangerous road.

Emotional adultery occurs when we reserve an inappropriate place in our hearts for any person other than our spouse.

So, how do you protect yourself and your marriage?

Here are some principles many have found helpful:

1.  Know your boundaries.

Put fences around your heart and protect the sacred ground reserved only for your spouse.

Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs, and difficulties only with each other.

For us, this is a non-negotiable boundary.

2. Realize the power of the eyes.

The eyes are the windows of your soul.

Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of those windows!

Good eye contact may be necessary for effective communication, but you must reserve that deep type of look for your mate.

3.  Beware of isolation and concealment.

One strategy of the enemy is to isolate you from your spouse by tempting you to keep secrets from your mate.

Barbara and I both realize the dangers of concealment in our marriage.

We work hard at bringing things out into the open and discussing them.

Our closets are empty.

4.  Extinguish any chemical reactions that may have begun.

You must quickly end any friendship with the opposite sex that seems to have begun meeting needs that your mate alone should be meeting.

A simple rule of chemistry is this:  to stop a chemical reaction, remove one of the elements.

It may feel painful or embarrassing at first, but it doesn’t inflict nearly the pain that comes when temptation gives birth to sin.

5.  Ask God to remind you how important it is to fear Him.

The fear of God has turned me from many a temptation.

It’s one thing to think a friend might learn that I had compromised my faith; it’s quite another thing to realize that God’s throne would have a knowledge of my disloyalty to Barbara faster than the speed of light.

It has been well said that, “a secret on earth is open scandal in heaven.”

My Heavenly Father and my earthly father are there right now—and the mere thought of disappointing either of them, helps keep me pure.

NOTE:  This article from the book, Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage to succeed

YOU GET WHAT YOU PLANT

ONE OF THE LAWS OF NATURE is that you never harvest one thing when you’ve planted something else.

You don’t get watermelons by planting cucumbers.

Whatever seed you plant “grows of its own accord” (Lev.25:5).

Marriage is a lot like that—we never get out of marriage what we do not put into it.

One man confessed, “At work I concentrate on winning, and as a result, I am a winner.  At home, however, I concentrate on just getting by.”

It’s no wonder he is losing.

The seed he planted, neglect, grows of it’s own accord.

Americans normally think of themselves as winners.

We are used to winning, but too many times, in the wrong places.

As a result, we end up losing in the important places, such as at home.

The late Vance Havner once said, “Americans  know the price of everything, but the value of nothing.”

If a business goes bankrupt, the president or the chairman of the board is to blame.

Similarly, if our homes fail, you and I are to blame.

We must master the ageless art of leadership and apply it to our families.

If we ever hope to win at home, then we must consider what kind of harvest we want in the end.

If we plant seeds of commitment, to Christ and to one another, along with seeds of forgiveness and respect, we might well expect that God will grant us a great harvest.

NOTE:  This article from “Marriage Life Family Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

THREE ARE PRESENT

THE BIBLE HAS A LOT to say about the benefits of fearing God.

Leviticus 19:14, for example, indicates that a healthy fear of God  will motivate us to care for the needs of the disadvantaged with grace and kindness.

Proverbs 22:4 tells us that fearing God leads us to life, while Proverbs 10:27 tells us that it prolongs life.

And Psalm 145:19 says the Lord will fulfill the desires of those who fear Him.

In the New Testament, we see that the fear of God is the glue that holds our relationships—including our marriages—together.

Ephesians 5:21 tells us that we should be “submitting to one another in the fear of God”. 

I doubt that there is any dispute or problem in marriage that can’t be solved if both spouses properly fear the Lord and mutually honor and value each other out of that reverential respect for who God is.

A marriage should be a relationship in which forgiveness and acceptance are freely expressed because we live our lives in His presence.

In a Christian marriage, three are present: The husband, the wife, and Jesus Christ.

If the husband and wife share a mutual reverence and a holy desire to obey and serve Christ; God will  use that healthy fear to draw the couple closer to each other and closer to Himself.

NOTE:  This article in “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis & Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.