LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

GET UNDERSTANDING

The book of Proverbs is one of my favorites in the entire Bible because it contains such practical wisdom about everyday life.  One theme that constantly pops up is the tremendous value of becoming a person of understanding.  Take some time to read and consider the teaching of each of the following verses:

Apply your heart to understanding.  Prov.2:2

Understanding will watch over you.  Prov.2:11

Call understanding your nearest kin.  Prov.7:4

A man (or woman) of understanding walks upright.  Prov.15:21

Understanding is a wellspring of life to him (or her) who has it.  Prov.16:22

Understanding is never an end in itself; it is merely a vehicle to wisdom, direction, and to life.  A person of understanding views life and people from God’s own perspective.  Understanding enables you to feel for another person, to identify with his or her struggles and difficulties, and to know what to say and what not to say.

Oh, how we need understanding in our marriages!

In the husband-wife relationship, your level of understanding often determines your level of acceptance.  Having God’s perspective of your spouse and how He designed him to complement you is essential if you are truly going to love him.

At a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage conference a few years ago, I talked to several women who described various problems in their marriages.  One women resented her husband’s schedule.  Another disagreed with her husband regarding how to discipline their children.  A third spoke about how jealous her husband was of the time she spent with her sister.

I gave essentially the same advice to all of these women: Seek to understand why your husband is feeling or acting this way.  Focus on better understanding him, not on the negative circumstances and how you are affected.  By his unwanted actions,  is he communicating some unmet need for affirmation, commitment or loyalty?

Even if you don’t totally understand your mate, give him or her your complete acceptance.  It may be necessary to ask God to help you accept your mate.  Many are living in circumstances that are very difficult and they need God’s guidance and power to be able to love their spouses well.

Why is understand so important?  Because without it, your spouse will feel that you are pressuring him or her to become something he or she is not.  With it, your spouse will sense that you love him or her for who he or she is today, and not for what you hope he or she will become tomorrow.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1.  How important is verbally complimenting my wife?

Answer #1  One important way to connect emotionally is to verbally complement your wife.  Proverbs offers this pointer:  “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones”  (Psa.16:24).  How often do you praise your wife for what she does?  Consider a few of these compliments to brighten her day:

*  “Dinner was great!  Thank you for always making creative meals, even when you’re tired of cooking.”

*  “I love the way you read books to our kids.  That’s so much better for them than watching TV.”

*   “I’m grateful that you carefully budget our paycheck each month.”

* “I admire the way you handled yourself with that rude salesman–you have such a winsome approach.”

As you study your wife and learn how and when to build security, acceptance, and emotional connection into your relationship through well-chosen, affirming words, you will become an irresistible man.  And let me make one last practical suggestion:  When you come home from work, here are four of the most romantic words ever to say to your wife: “How can I help?”

Why not try it—and mean it–tonight?

NOTE:  This article was from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WHEN YOUR SPOUSE LETS YOU DOWN

Have you ever had your spouse “let you down” at some point along the way?

I’m sure, if the truth be told, you have let your spouse down also.

Human beings, and especially spouses, FAIL each other at one time or another.

1Corinthians 13:8 “Agape (love) never faileth…”

Love will last forever!!

Paul concludes POWERFULLY in 1Cor.13:8 that Gods love is forever!

Paul was trying to tell us that Gods love never disappoints or fails.

God’s love can always be counted on because it is always RELIABLE.

The way to get this love is to “die to self” but you cannot manufacture love.

Agape love never falls into ruin.

What is the difference between the world’s love and agape?

The SOURCE!!!

Agape has a source that is supernatural and that is a “supernatural God.”

Our constant challenge is to tap into that SOURCE.

Agape adapts to all circumstances and any country.

Does your love for your spouse fail more often than you would like?

That is because we are human beings and our love “taps out.”

As you grow in Christ the quality of “unfailing love” is manifested to our spouse.

As we obey the word of God, we daily progress in Christlikeness.

How do you feel when your spouse falls from the HIGH position they hold in your life?

How painful is it when you see a fellow warrior fall or stumble in battle?

Doesn’t this” let you down”?

God’s love is reliable and it is constant.

We are God’s CONDUIT for his unfailing love.

Remember, we cannot manifest this agape on our own strength.

Are you having a problem loving a spouse who is UNLOVABLE?

What with man is impossible, with Christ it is Him-possible!

Seek what is going to have enduring VALUE to your marriage.

Agape (Love) never “TAPS OUT!”

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SECRETS FOR AN OVERLOADED SPOUSE

Do you remain firm in your love for your spouse when faced with hard circumstances?

1Cor.13:7 “…Love …endures all things…”

The word “endures” in the Greek is  “hupomeno” which means to stay under or remain.

In secular Greek, “hupomeno” was a military term used to refer to an army who is holding a position at all costs.

This would be a person who is under a heavy load but refuses to surrender to defeat.

He will stay put and refuse to leave because he knows that he is where he is suppose to be.

Do you endure in times of loneliness or loss?

If you are filled with the love of God and strengthened by the Holy Spirit, you can endure pain and suffering.

The early Christians and the apostles were able to endure suffering and torture, due to agape (love)for God.

Agape never quits or throws in the towel.

Are you patient and loving with your spouse with no desire to reject or retaliate?

Do you bear up under circumstances that seem impossible?

Example:  The formica japonica ants can lift and carry five times their weight.   God created them to endure hardness.

We were not made to endure heaviness with out the infilling of Gods Holy Spirit.

When your spouse is not successful at their attempts are you still cheerful and still standing?

We can never talk ourselves into agape (love) because we have no power within us.

Be honest with God and say, “I don’t love my spouse right now!!  I’m angry and have bad thoughts.”

You need to ask Jesus to fill you with His high-level love.

Here is an assignment for you to reach that higher-level.

• Write down the 11 qualities of love in 1Cor.13.

As you think of each one, how are you measuring up?

Which ones are you strong in?

Which ones are you weak in?

Which ones do you need in your life right now?

• Memorize 1Corinthians 13.

There is nothing more important in your life than letting God perfect His love in you.

Say, “I’m committed to be here in my marriage and to stay here and to work out our marriage.  I am not quitting no matter what the cost or time is to me.”

Don’t throw in the towel!

Jesus didn’t carry a towel with Him to Calvary.

Don’t carry one around in your marriage.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WHEN MARRIAGE LOOKS IMPOSSIBLE

When things look the worst, do you believe that God will work out his master plan in your life?

The Apostle Paul told the Corinth church, “…Agape (love)… believes all things…”

The word “believes” is the Greek word elpidzo which is that same as the word “hope.”

The word “believe” implies that love sees the best in others and chooses to believe the best and not the worst.

Paul is saying that we need to believe the best in our spouse unless they do something that convinces us otherwise.

Agape doesn’t mean that you have to be a “dumbbell”, because love has discernment and wisdom.

Avoid undue suspicion and regard your spouse as being good and honest.

This doesn’t just mean some of the time; this is a “never give up” kind of belief for every situation.

Love means that you have to show confidence.

CASE AND POINT:  I had a relationship with my mom that I never told her a lie.  She knew I could be trusted.  Many times this was upsetting to me because if she thought my older brother was lying, she would ask me to tell her the truth.  I hated tattling on him because he was always getting in trouble.  I had five brothers who always had a story that didn’t quite match the truth.  In the 60’s most of the teenage guys were experimenting with LSD.  Every time my mom saw him with his shades on, she would tell him, “You better not be on that LSD.”  His answer to her would be, “Well I wasn’t, but now I will since you don’t trust me anyway.”  I was forever telling her not to tell him that.  I didn’t want him to get mad and go do drugs.

Do you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt?

This doesn’t mean that you have to be GULLIBLE.

You still see “the good, the bad, and the ugly” things that people do, you just have to display love and confidence.

Our flesh is always ready to believe the worst about our spouse.

The opposite is that agape believes the best in your spouse.

Do you feel that if you trust your spouse with some aspect of your marital life, they will end up burning you again?

TRUST GOD!!

Doesn’t it make you feel ugly when you find out that your spouse is upset with you for something you never did?

Trust is not GRILLING your spouse for details.

You are not an attorney cross-examining a defendant!!

You are his COMPANION; you are his PLAYMATE!!

Let go of the “the good, the bad, and the ugly” and have fun!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WHAT IS HIGH-LEVEL LOVE?

Do you make allowances for your spouse and endure whatever comes your way?

The Apostle Paul said, “Love…bears all things…”

In the Greek, the word “beareth” is stego which means “to cover”, just like a roof covers a house.

This word gives a picture of covering someone so they don’t get injured.

Love SUPPORTS what is placed on top of it and covers and protects what is placed under it.

Agape (love) patiently endures the faults of others especially from their spouse.

Are you operating in this kind of high-level love?

Love knows when and how to be SILENT.

In your marriage you have a choice of what kind of an attitude that you want to have.

It’s your CHOICE!!

Has there been a time in your marriage that you stood by your spouse’s side no matter what the cost?

The Holy Spirit wants to give you STRENGTH to endure anything that may come to destroy your marriage.

Love doesn’t look back but continues to the very end.

If you were on a tiny boat with your spouse and the boat sprung a leak, what would you do?

PANIC!!  And try to cover the hole so water couldn’t sink the boat.

A marriage in progress tries to “Save their Loveboat.”

This is exactly what spouses need to do for each other.

Agape covers negative things about others rather than putting a magnifying glass on them.

Do you exaggerate the negative areas in your spouse and don’t acknowledge the positive?

Do you plow down your spouse with sarcasm or put-downs?

Agape won’t lie about the weaknesses of others.

Don’t let bitterness control you instead cover your spouses faults and failures.

Go the extra mile to PROTECT your spouse’s reputation; don’t broadcast bad news.

You can’t sink his end of the “loveboat” without sinking yours.

Happy paddling!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NEVER REJOICE AT SPOUSES FAILURES

Have you ever received news about a person who had hurt and disappointed you, was now going through difficult times?

Was your attitude, “Well, that is just what they deserve.”

God’s agape (love) does not react like that!

The Apostle Paul exhorted the Corinth church for reacting in a sinful manner.

“…love…does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth in the truth.”

Unrighteousness is the condition of not being right according to God’s standard.   It also means to not being right with man, according to what man knows to be right which is determined by his conscience.

Never rejoice at your spouse’s failures, even if it is a result of their own foolishness.

Remember, we need to be a soft pillow for them to fall on.

Prov.24:17 “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles”

Do you disregard what is right in God’s eyes concerning your spouse?

Do you change the boundaries because this is your spouse and you can do what you want?

In Mal.2:14-15, husbands are being exhorted for dealing treacherously with their wives.

Wives, you are not “off the hook.”

I know some wives who are extremely cruel to their spouses.

Many wives feel their husbands deserve punishment because of disrespect that is dished out to them by him.

In God’s kingdom, that is SIN!!

 Agape does not rejoice at another’s downfall.

That is PRIDE and God hates PRIDE!!

CASE AND POINT:  One of my children was always picking on their younger sibling.  Every time that would happen, I was getting madder and madder.  The punishment of my choice became more severe each time.  One evening I had a dream.  In this dream a duck turned and bit the face of this tiny cute “chickie.”  I was very hurt for the tiny chick.  As we walked out the door, I slammed the door on the duck.  I could here the duck quacking loudly.  I opened the door and let the duck loose.  When I woke up I was very upset at what I had done in the dream.   I realized what God was showing me.  The punishment has to fit the crime.  I was hurting someone smaller than me just like my older child was hurting the smaller child.  I felt TERRIBLE!!

We need to rejoice in what is truth and right in God’s sight; not draw our own conclusions as to what our spouse deserves.

Isa.5:20 “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!

Thess.2:11-12 “…they should believe a lie…be damned who believe not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.”

NEVER say, “Well, they finally got what they deserve!!”

Because you might get what you deserve!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

PRAISING GOD IN DIFFICULTIES

NO MATTER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES you face as a couple, nothing will refresh and energize your communication with God like praising Him.  A few of the many Scriptures that praise God also to encourage us to express our admiration of Him.  Consider the following psalms:

*  “And my tongue shall speak of your righteousness and of Your praise all the day long.”  Psa.35:28

*  “Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise.”  Psa.100:4

*  “Praise the Lord!  For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful. (Psa.147:1)

Over the years we have learned to praise Him for:

*  Who He is—He is God almighty!

*  What He has done for us in the past, calling to mind in prayer His acts on our behalf.

*  What He has promised us in Scripture, including His pledge to never leave nor forsake us.

When we acknowledge God’s greatness in our lives, we remember who He really is and His great love for us.  We like what one couple told us: “We’ve learned to praise God, in the hard times and to call to Him and to lift His name high even when the circumstances look impossible or difficult.  “As a result, we’ve learned that praising God lifts us out of our challenges and realigns our hearts with His.

The next time you face a difficult circumstance, pause and begin to praise God for what you are facing.  Ask Him to fill you with His spirit and honor Him in the midst of your difficulty.

NOTE:  This article is from the Family life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER  

Question #1:  How can husbands and wives please each other more consistently?

Answer #1:  As you seek to learn what pleases your mate, consider the following top fives provided by Dr. Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs:

Top Five Ways for a Man

to Please His Wife

1.  Have a strong commitment to your family; make it a priority.

2.  Provide security:  emotional, financial, personal protection, etc.

3.  Be willing to be her partner, to share life with her in honest, open relationship.

4.  Talk with her in complete sentences; take time to discuss subjects with her.

5.  Provide nonsexual affection:  hugging, touching, tenderness, closeness that doesn’t demand a sexual response.

Top Five Ways for a Woman

to Please Her Husband

1.  Show your mate admiration and respect through verbal praise.

2.  Provide domestic support–help to keep the home in order.

3.  Be attractive; he wants to be proud of you.

4.  Offer recreational companionship.

5.  Help him to please you through an exciting, satisfying sexual union.

Paul wrote, “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification” (Rom.15:2).  Well, who is more your “neighbor” than your spouse, with whom you spend so many hours together every day?

NOTE:  This article was from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

IS YOUR SPOUSE YOUR HOSTAGE?

In a marital relationship, keeping score doesn’t reflect agape (love).

In 1Cor.13:5, the Apostle Paul told the Corinth church, “…love…thinketh no evil…”

The Greek for “thinketh” is logidzomai which is a bookkeeping term which implies making an entry in an accounting book.

Bookkeepers keep records in a detailed and logical manner.

A bookkeeper is able to give an exact account and itemized list which becomes a legal document.

CASE AND POINT:  In the 30’s, Al Capone was a Chicago gangster who was involved in many criminal acts.  He was a murderer, and an array of other crimes.  For years the FBI did everything to put him in prison but they could find no proof on him.  He bribed juries and bribed or killed anyone who got in his way.  Al Capones bookkeeper did what the entire FBI could not do.  In the 1931 trial, Al’s bookkeeper was their number one witness.  He was able to present and interpret the accounting books of the mob.  Al Capone was sentenced to 11 years for “tax evasion.”

Do you keep account of what your spouse inflicts just to pay them back?

Love doesn’t keep into account a wrong that is suffered

The Apostle Paul is exhorting the church not to keep records of those who injure you.

Do you keep flipping back to your old record book of wrongs?

Stop keeping score of your spouse’s offenses against you; it is sin!

Maybe you don’t write down on a notepad the wrongs your spouse has done to you but you do keep a mental checklist.

That list of your spouse’s wrongs can be very destructive to your marriage.

If you are keeping those mental records, remember that you are not granting your spouse the same mercy that God has granted to you.

Agape (love) doesn’t deliberately keep records of past mistakes.

Are you holding your spouse hostage because of actions you feel are violations against you?

If you have a hard time releasing your spouse from past offenses, this is a sign that you need agape (love) in your life.

THROW THAT DIARY AWAY!!!

If you want to bring unhappiness into your marriage, keep score of what your spouse does that offends you.

Love “remembers and then forgives.”

Get that “white out” out and cover over those offenses with LOVE!

Don’t let the past shape your future!

Don’t let the past shape your future!

DON’T LET THE PAST SHAPE YOUR FUTURE.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.