LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

SATURDAY Q & A 

Question #1.  What steps can we take to build a foundation for a successful marriage?

Answer #1.  Here are  our top five secrets for having a successful marriage:

#1.  Settle the issue of ownership.  Who is going to be Lord of your life and family?  What we give to God is minor compared to  what God has given us.  He has established us exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we could ask or think.  He owns it all!

#2.  Secure your commitment to one another.  Marriage is ultimately a relationship that is established with a promise, your marriage covenant.  Affirm your vows by doing what you promised.

#3.  Pray with your spouse everyday.  I received this secret shortly after Barbara and I were first married.  It has been the cement of our marriage!  The spiritual discipline of praying together has forced us to resolve our conflicts before we go to bed.

#4.  Maintain a teachable heart that seeks and grants forgiveness.  All communication  is the result of trust.  If you’re entertaining bitterness, anger, or unforgiveness in your heart, you can’t communicate on an intimate level.

#5.  Follow a biblical blueprint for marriage.  One reason our conferences help so many couples, whether they’re engaged or have been married for years, is that both the man and woman leave having heard the same set of biblical principles—blueprints that allow God to build that marriage and family.

NOTE:  this article came from “Family Life and Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ENHANCE YOUR LOVE

If you are an emotionally intelligent wife, you will be intimately familiar to your spouse’s world.

Mal.2:14 “…she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant.”

He called this familiarity to your spouse’s world “love mapping.”

CASE AND POINT:  It seems like every time I turn on my computer, there is an “update” that needs to take place.  If I don’t update my computer, there is a chance of me losing information that I need.

In the same way, if you don’t update the important information about your spouse, you can loose touch and your relationship can drift to the point that you wake up one day and don’t know each other.

John M. Gottman Ph.D, in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” defines love mapping as the part of the brain that stores all the relevant information about your partner’s life.

Do you know your spouses goals in life?

Do you know your spouses worries?

Do you know your spouses hopes?

If you don’t really know someone, you can’t really love them.

The biblical term for sexual love is “to know”.

Having a baby is one life event, or a job shift is a life event, or an illness; these events change a “love map.”

The more you know and understand your spouse, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

Getting to know your spouse better is a lifelong process.

LOVE MAP QUESTIONNAIRE

By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Answer TRUE or FALSE to the following statement.

1. I can name my partners best friends.
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my husband lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
8. I know my partner’s favorite music.
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.

10.My spouse is familiar with my current stresses.

11.I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.

12.I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my

partner as a child.

13.I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life.

14.I know my partner’s major current worries.

15.My spouse knows who my friends are.

16.I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly               won the lottery.

17.I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.

18.Periodically I ask my partner about his world right now.

19.I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

20.My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.

Give yourself one point for each TRUE answer.

10 or above:  This is an area of strength for your marriage.  Try not to take for granted this knowledge and understanding of each other.  If you continue to keep in touch, you should be able to handle problems that arise.

Below 10:  Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area.  Take time to learn more about your spouse now, your relationship will grow stronger.

I heard once that if you really want to find things out about your husband, have a BarBQue with the men from his work and listen to their conversation.

I guess the guys at work know more about him than you do if you haven’t taken the time to learn.

It is time for a daily update!

Start today!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NEEDFUL THING FOR MARRIAGE 

Have you ever complained to God about what your husband wasn’t doing?

Of course you have?

There were times that I felt like I was doing every thing and thought that my husband should be working to help me.

This following biblical story explains how Jesus feels about those times of service.

Jesus was in the home of two sisters: Mary who was listening at Jesus’ feet and Martha who was cumbered about serving.

The word “cumbered” in the Greek means, draw away, distract; to be driven about mentally.

Luke 10:41-42 “And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

What was Martha being distracted from?

The “word”.  Jesus and the “word” are one.

She was distracted with too much serving and forgot Jesus.

Martha OVERRODE her bonding with Christ, by her service to Christ.

When you are on an “emotional rollercoaster”,  it separates you from Jesus and you are now no good to your marriage.

Luke 21:34 says, our hearts are overcharged with “…cares of this life...”

You need to humble yourself by casting your cares on Jesus instead of complaining about what your spouse is or isn’t doing.

Martha’s #1 purpose at that time was to make Jesus welcomed.  Instead, she snaps and complains to Jesus saying, “Don’t you care?”

Martha thought that you express your love for God through service.

Mary’s secret is that she knew her love for God could only be done through devotion.

Jesus is telling Martha that she must first be ministered to by her Savior, before she can effectively minister for her Savior.

You cannot be the Godly spouse that you want to be unless you spend TIME at the feet of Jesus.

Are you too busy serving Him that you can’t find time to love Him and listen to Him?

Charles Wesley said, “…Choose the better part; Serve with careful Martha’s hands and loving Mary’s heart.”

You can be radically changed if you listen to Jesus words, “…one thing is needful.”

Jesus pointed out that Mary’s choice to take the “good part” would not be taken from her.

It is good to be hooked up to Gods word—THAT IS YOUR LIFELINE!

When you choose to do what Mary did, you can live the good life.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

WORRY FREE MARRIAGE (Part 2) 

Pride causes discouragement and depression when we worry.

Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction.”

 Proverbs 29:23 “A man’s pride shall bring him low.”

To avoid this, God tells us to humble ourselves by letting him take care of our marital problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

1. Has God ever told you to be quiet, but you don’t.
2. Next you find yourself in a fight then you finally have to be quiet to end it.
3. Then you are depressed because you either said hurtful things or you were told hurtful truths.

God did not design us to be able to handle tomorrow’s problems.

He only gives us enough grace to get through TODAYS marital issues.

When you cast your cares, that act of humility demonstrates your faith.

When the verse says, …the mighty hand of God…”, it means that God can hand-le anything and everything.

Let God use His “mighty hand in your marriage.”

Worry does not empty tomorrow’s problem, it just empties today’s strength.

THE WORD CHOKED

Mark 4:18-19  “And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word, And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.””

This is saying that after you have heard Gods word, you still allow things to enter your heart and it strangles Gods word that is in you.

After suffocating Gods word, you can no longer PRODUCE fruit in your life, so you miss out on a good harvest.

This mentions three things that choke the word:

1. The cares of the world.
2. The deceitfulness of riches.
3. The lust of other things.

We start to allow the problems, rather than Gods word to tell us how to act.

Luke 21:34 “And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting (being overfull), and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.”

 OUCH!   I said, “OUCH!!”

You have been warned to not be “overcharged.”

Overcharged means to feel stressed, depressed and just an emotional wreck.

You won’t be able to hear the VOICE of God.

Also, notice in Luke 21:34 that a person who is “overcharged” with the “cares of this world” are on the same category as a drunkard.

People who are drunk are not alert, sharp or perceptive.

You cannot make good marital DECISIONS when you are overcharged with the cares of this world.

The choice is yours:  You can sin by letting things bother you, or you can choose to not let things bother you.

A WORRY FREE LIFE IS YOUR CHOICE.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WORRY FREE MARRIAGE (Part 1) 

Faith is a reaction from the heart based on something God has said.

Fear (or worry) is a reaction from the mind or emotions based on something your circumstance (or the devil) has said.

According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, the word “Worry” when used as a noun means: “mental distress or agitation resulting from concern usually for something impending or anticipated.”

Have you experienced “mental distress” in your marriage?

The words “mental stress” means that your mind and emotions are suffering.

The synonyms for worry are: agonize, fret, be anxious, be concerned, be troubled, be bothered, be apprehensive, be nervous, be fearful, and lose sleep.

Worry can be destructive to every area of your life as negative forces work in the mental and emotional realm.

Worry is something YOU ALLOW.

How many times a day do you open the door and welcome worry into your life and marriage?

Negative thoughts will NEVER bring you peace and joy.

Worry never deals with the known realm—

It always deals with the unknown realm.

Worry never deals on the positive—

it always deals on the negative.

 Think of all the things in your marriage that you worry about UNNECESSARILY.

When you worry, you are more SELF-conscious than GOD-conscious.

You are being carnally minded!!

If you are worried about something, you are in fear, not in faith.

The act of worry is sin!  Rom.14:23b “…whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”

HUMILITY

You cannot be humble and worry at the same time because worry is rooted in pride.

When we worry, we are not trusting God and we start trusting in ourselves to resolve our own problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

If we “cast all our care” then we would be carefree!

Carefree is :  untroubled, lighthearted, relaxed, cheerful or free from care.

God is telling us that a true sign of humility is casting your cares on Him.

When you have marital problems and you handle it yourself, you are telling God, “I don’t believe you will solve this for me.”

If you do that, you are now on the throne of your marital life and NOT GOD!

Only you can let God back on the throne.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

VIBRANT MARRIAGE SECRETS (Part 4)

Almost 90 percent of all marital arguments can be traced back to the issue of money.

Every day there are divorces filed because of financial disagreements.

One of the “vibrant marriage secrets” is  how to properly maintain you finances.

Fifth, Managing Your Money

A.)     MONEY MATTERS TO GOD.

1. Money is to be earned.

In Genesis, it was established that the role of the husband required hard work.

Gen.3:17-19 God told Adam that he would have to eat and provide “in toil” and “in the sweat of (his) face.”

God intends that income be earned by intense, earnest work and effort.

“He who has a slack hand becomes poor, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.”  Prov.10:4

1. Money is to be given.

Your money comes from God (Deut.8:18) and is to be used for Him, His purposes, and His people.

As Christians, we are commanded to give our money regularly and purposefully, sacrificially, and generously.

“She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy”  Prov.31:20

 What happens in your home is the person your husband thinks is needy differs from your opinion?

Do you let him continue on with His convictions and compassion and supply the need?

Once again God’s word gives us advice on our treasures in Matthew.

Do not lay up for yourselves “…treasures on earth”.  You are to “…lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven…”  Matt.6:19-21

1. Money is to be managed and saved.

To be a good steward we must learn thrift, diligence, carefulness, self-control, and skills of saving, stretching, record-keeping, and wise decision-making.

Do you go to a sale and start buying everything in sight just because it is a bargain?

Prov.24:3-4 “Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”

1. Money is not to be desired.

As Christians we are to beware of greed and the love of money.

We are to “…be rich in good works, ready to give, willing to share…” 1Tim.6:28

 “…godliness with contentment is great gain…”1Tim.6:6

Let the Holy Spirit be the decision maker in your finances.

You can end quarreling about money today!

NOTE:  Some of the comments are from the book “A wife after God’s own Heart”, by Elizabeth George.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

The reality of disappointment surprises most couples.  In the flush of new love, most think their relationship will be different.  They believe their love will stay strong and fresh despite all odds.

Love is demanding, however, and once the honeymoon ends, young husbands and wives usually start seeing defects in their mates that they hadn’t noticed before.  The result?  Disappointment.

They end up feeling like King Hiram, who eagerly visited some cities that a friend had given to him–but once there, “they did not please him.  So he said, “What kind of cities are these which you have given me, my brother?”  And he called them the land of Cabul (which in Hebrew sounds like, “Good-for-nothing’)” (1KIngs 9:12,13)

As the experience of disappointed love becomes a daily lifestyle, couples fight, retreat to separate corners, and walk on eggshells.  “When I got married,” someone once said, “I was looking for the ideal.  But it soon became an ordeal.  Now I want a new deal.”

God is waiting to give you understanding, compassion, and His love for your mate.  He wants you to see that you can’t iron out the wrinkles on your own.  Only He can provide the kind of love you are looking for.

NOTE:  This article came from the book “Family Life and Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY QUESTIONS & ANSWERS 

Question:  How can a woman encourage her husband to be a spiritual leader?

Answer:  When we first married, it never occurred to me that Dennis didn’t know how to provide spiritual leadership.  I didn’t know that for most husbands this has to be learned in marriage.

It may take years for a man to grow spiritually so that he can lead his wife.  Many never had a good model of spiritual leadership as they grew up.  It’s important to realize there are different ways to give spiritual leadership in the home.

My big mistake early on was thinking that spiritual leadership meant you have daily devotions.  I didn’t realize that a man can give spiritual leadership in all kinds of other ways.  If he points his children to Christ and to the Scripture, then he is giving spiritual leadership.  It doesn’t have to be in a formal Bible study.

Pray that God will give your husband a heart to lead your family spiritually.  Be grateful for any kind of spiritual leadership he displays.  Be patient, because it may not come as quickly as you would like.

Find a good resource (devotional) for your family to use and set him up to win with your family by scheduling the time and encouraging him to lead.  Finally, affirm your husband for what he does right.  Even if it is as little as praying over meals, thank him for the spiritual leadership that he initiates.

Our Caution:  Whatever yo do, do not nag.  There are ways to encourage him to be the spiritual leader without constantly nagging him.

NOTE:  This post came from an article in “Family Life Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.