HOW THE SILENT TREATMENT WORKS
Everyone knows what a “stonewall” is. It is a wall or fence made of any type of stone.
The word stonewalling has a different definition but BOY ARE THEY RELATED.
The definition of “stonewalling” is: Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.
We call it the “silent treatment” and it is mainly used by husbands.
BUT WHY?!?
I will continue today using comments out of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book on “Love and Respect”. It is a must read for married couples.
We have discussed how when a wife criticizes her husband, she thinks she is helping him.
Prov.12:18 “…thoughtless words cut like a sword.”
The husband usually interprets it as HUMILIATION.
He says to himself, “I don’t deserve this kind of talk.”
When a husband “stonewalls” his wife, it is a WARNING SIGNAL.
Unfortunately, “stonewalling” aggravates her and causes her to criticize even more because she feels her assistance is being refused.
Even though she criticizes out of LOVE, he only hears DISRESPECT.
In Professor John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict. A man’s blood pressure and heart rate rises much higher and stays elevated much longer than his wife’s. Nothing escalates on a woman and she thinks that the conversation is increasing love between them. The husband on the other hand sees an argument coming on and he feels he will lose respect. At this point the husband will become quiet or walk away by himself.
If she asks him why he has walked away, he will tell her that he is trying not to react.
He is trying to do the HONORABLE and RESPECTABLE thing.
A wife gets so hurt by this action because she receives it as rejection and unloving.
STAY WITH ME LADIES! If your husband is a pathological “stonewaller” then it means that you are a pathological criticizer and complainer. Ouch!!
OUCH!! OUCH!! Okay, we got through that! NOW WHAT?!?
The more the wife complains, the more the husband withdraws. The more the husband withdraws, the more the wife complains. WE ARE BACK ON THE CRAZY CYCLE.
Prov. 12:4 A wife “who brings shame“ on her husband “is like sickness to his bones” NIRV.
Have you been his mommy, his teacher, or his holy spirit?
Emerson says the next action from the husband is called the coup de grace.
Look it up girls and beware. This is when he gets up and walks out as a bitter, hostile unloving human being and leaves his wife.
Then the divorce which is a funeral that never ends, BEGINS.
The coup de grace is the “death blow.”
Coup de grace means the blow that kills.
STOP CRITICIZING!!! Stonewalling is the warning signal.
NOTE: Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.
LOVE YOUR SPOUSE 
I used to think that I was doing great because I never nagged my husband…gold star, right? Wrong. My husband let me know that even though I wasn’t using a high-pitched or whining tone, I was still nagging. The results were the same. It took me a long time to really hear what he was hearing. I couldn’t understand why he would get so upset with me when I was being so reasonable and soft-voiced, duh!
I know I’ve told this story before but it bears repeating. Once when I was pregnant, about ten years ago, I was so angry at my husband I wanted to hurt him as he had just hurt me. As he stormed out of the apartment and left me standing there feeling hurt, foolish and angry I started to stomp around the house looking for something. When I saw the scissors I thought I’d found it. The perfect way to get revenge on him. I picked up the scissors and headed toward our closet. I was going to cut up his Sunday suit. I was going to hurt him like he’d hurt me! That was when God spoke to my heart so clearly,”This TOO you do unto ME.”
At the time I thought it was just the act of cutting up the suit that was wrong. It was my whole attitude toward my husband that had been offensive. I had been not only disrespectful but dishonorable to my husband. Had be been unloving to me? Sure, but that was no excuse. I repented immediately and still to this day I feel that twinge in my heart when I sart to “go there.” Simple but not easy.
Hi L.Lopez! Thanks for your comment! I loved it! Yes, it bears repeating. “This TOO you do unto ME!” Keep fighting the good fight! Love you!
I don’t know how can avoid the criticism,with a man that abuses your parents,always out,never home with the kids and working 247 with another man’s wife,saying it business,from monday to sunday atimes,I don’t know how a woman survives that really,nancy…after all this ,ask a question..if I marry a second wife,what will you do?..now tell me,how to survive that..