GRANTING FORGIVENESS IS TOUGH
As difficult as it is to ask for forgiveness, it can be even more difficult at times to grant forgiveness to someone who has wronged you. And this is every bit as true in marriage—maybe even more so—than it is in any other relationship.
I often advise married couples to take out a joint membership in the Seventy Times Seven Club. This club began when Peter asked Jesus how many times we must forgive one another. Peter wondered if seven times would be enough? Christ answered, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt.18:22). In other words, forgive an infinite number of times, not just when you feel like it.
You can tell when you have forgiven your spouse by asking yourself one simple question: Have I given up my desire to punish my mate? When you say aside that desire and no longer seek revenge, you free your spouse and yourself from the bonds of your anger.
Forgiveness cannot be conditional. Once you forgive, that’s it. Feelings may still be raw, and it is not hypocritical to feel as though you don’t want to forgive your spouse. If someone has hurt you, you can choose to forgive immediately, but still be processing feelings of disappointment or rejection. Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will—not an emotion. It may take a while for your feelings to catch up with your will. But your will needs to respond to the scriptural mandate to forgive your spouse.
If you’re not careful, you may dilute the power of forgiveness. How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m sorry I offended you; will you forgive me?” And the other person quickly says without apparent reflection, “Sure, I forgive you!” The two people move on, but then the offender offense again, and the scenario repeats, perhaps many times.
Such behavior mocks authentic forgiveness. I believe tough love must break this cycle by saying, “You know, if you are really serious about being sorry, your actions need to show some believable repentance.”
While a mate can administer this “love with teeth,” outside help may also be needed, particularly in the early years of marriage. Most churches offer counseling to couples experiencing marital stresses. Or you may ask an older couple to serve as marriage mentors. If problems persist and forgiveness is absent, tell someone. Seek help!
Forgiveness is one of the disciplines in marriage that must be practiced for a lifetime. No marriage can be all that God intended without it.
NOTE: This article was taken from the book “Family Life and Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.
NOTE: Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.
LOVE YOUR SPOUSE 
I know it’s sometimes easier to grant forgiveness to some one other than your spouse. I’ve had great moments where you ask for forgiveness, forgiveness is granted and received and with tearful hugs you part company feeling restored. But when it’s your spouse, it’s harder to have that kind of moment knowing that you’re probably going to bump into them in a few minutes in the kitchen. it just doesn’t seem as “magical”, so to speak.
Is it okay to say to your spouse,”I forgive you but I’m still angry or hurt.” Is that true forgiveness? I know you said our feelings will catch up but I still need clarification.
Hi Lorraine! It is best not to say you are “still angry or hurt.” They will feel that you have not forgiven them. Just continue to ask God for strength and favor to not be angry or hurt. When we forgive our spouse, it is the time in our life that God’s divine power is with us in it’s most powerful form.
I understand…thank you for answering. I had to check to see if you had posted before I went to bed. Thank you for your faithfulness.
This is helpful.i have told myself i choose to forgive. I believe i could write a story with all i have faced this year. I know it all god cause the old me would loved to have thrown it in his face all the hurt I’ve felt i choose to forgive..
Hi Basketball Wife! Thanks for your comment. God will give you double for your trouble. Nothing gets past him. Everyday there is an opportunity that comes our way for God to bless our lives. Ask God for strength daily.