LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

BATTERED BY OUTSIDE CIRCUMSTANCES

 The meaning of “confrontation” is the hostile disagreement face-to-face resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.

2Cor.7:5-6 NKJV “Our bodies had no rest, but we were troubled on every side.  Outside were conflicts, inside were fears.  Nevertheless God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus.”

Sometimes  we feel so battered by outside circumstances that we have no control over.

Many of us feel so beaten down by life itself at different intervals.

This happens in marriage many times when we feel like we can’t seem to communicate with understanding to our spouse.

It is so easy to fall into depression when we feel that there is no way out.

If we fall into the self-preservation mode, we have now cut ourselves off from the people who can help us.

Let’s look at some of the pitfall of confrontation so that we do not make the mistakes other marriages have made.

Statistics show that 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of the 15 minute interaction.

If you begin a conversation with harsh speech, you are doomed for failure.

The following negative interaction principles are taken from John M. Gottman and Nan Silvers article on “How I predict divorce.”

Negative interactions are lethal to a marriage relationship.

Here is a list of four negative interactions:

1. Criticism

A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed.

A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.

2.     Contempt

Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.

This is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.

3.     Defensiveness

When conversations become so negative, critical and attacking, you will end up defending yourself.

4.     Stonewalling

In marriages where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out.  This behavior is far more common among men.

Any of the above actions, will cause confrontation.

Job 30:27 “My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.”

In this verse we see how Job is so upset that he is boiling on the inside and can find no rest.

This is exactly what happens to you and I when we enter a conversation harshly.

Here are three goals that we must use before we start a conversation that is very controversial.

First, use HUMILITY.  1Pet.5:5 “…God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”   This is a must in a controversial conversation.

Second, COMPROMISE.

Don’t go into the conversation with the attitude that you will get everything your way.  Make it a WIN-WIN situation.  That is where you will be able to have some things your way but be flexible enough to allow his concerns to be taken care of also.

Third, use DIALOGUE.  Jas.1:19 “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

Your spouse talks, while you listen.

The secret to good communication is listening.

It is a tool.

Listening and talking at the same time guarantees that you are going to miss important facts and details.

Win the “first place” position for listening.

** To make sure you have listened to his point, ask, “Is this what you are trying to tell me?”

To be a good “helpmate” you need to know his opinion and position.

Communication is a prerequisite to success.

God has good plans for your marriage.

He knows what you need and he lovingly provides it for you.

Do not withdraw from God in the middle of distress and confrontation.

His helping hands want to help you in the time of need.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ARE YOU A NAG?

A wife’s actions speak way louder than her words.

1Pet.3:1-2 “”…Ye wives, be in subjection to your own husband; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

In Rick Renners book “Sparkling Gems from the Greek”, he encourages wives to “not be preachy”.

We will be using some of his findings in this post today.

He gave an example of a new bride that was trying to encourage her husband to be the spiritual leader in the home but her approach was having just the opposite effect that she desired.

Instead of causing her husband to feel closer to her, she was pushing him far away by constantly preaching at him and putting high spiritual expectations on him.

This NEW bride started her marriage with a husband that looked down cast and was very depressed.

CASE AND POINT:  Several years ago I had a friend that I had met professionally who did not come to my church. On occasion she would call me to talk.  She only knew her husband a few months and got married unexpectedly.  After a couples of months, I heard they were already talking divorce.  She asked me to meet with her and I already knew that she needed some biblical encouragement.    When I asked her how the marriage was going, her response was that she is finally training him to submit.  She said how every morning, she arranges candles and they both have to pray and read the word together.  At first, he literally fought her “tooth and nails” on that issue and many others as well.  After he couldn’t take the scratches anymore, he decided to let her have her way.  Needless to say, he is one miserable husband.   I told her to let me know when she decides to have a biblical marriage where she is submitting to him.  My comment did not go well but neither has their marriage.

If you want to preach at your husband, remember that it is going to be a big turn-off.

Men resent having a corrector and a boss for a wife when they expected her to be his GREATEST supporter.

Remember, he married you to be his cheerleader, his companion, his friendly friend.

What happened????

Do you demonstrate unconditional love or do you just TELL him you love him?

Are you a NAG?

To an unsaved husband, your preaching at him sounds like nagging and complaining.

That is why Apostle Paul told the wives with unsaved husbands to “knock it off.”

So, “knock it off.”   CHILL!!!

Paul then told them that their method of evangelism had to be one of living a Godly life.

Many Christian wives PRESSURE their husbands to change by pestering, nagging, pleading and begging.

You can try every method, but if God doesn’t touch his heart, all the complaining is a lost cause.

The Holy Spirit draws and calls hearts to Himself so you can either help or hinder that PROCESS.

As you grow in your relationship with God, you will understand how to love your husband the way God loves you.

In the phrase “…coupled with fear…” the word “fear” refers to respect.  Peter is commanding wives to do everything they can do to show respect.

As you learn to keep silent , your husband will learn to listen to the Holy Spirit.

Walk the talk.

Peter is telling you how to WIN the game of positively influencing your husband without even opening your mouth.

You can do it!!   You go girl!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

THE MYSTERY INSIDE YOUR HUSBAND

Most of the comments made in this post were taken from the book “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn.  The author has taken many surveys in order to come up with the statistics that are included in her books.  This survey was done by four hundred anonymous men across the country, ranging in age from twenty-one to seventy-five.  They answered two dozen questions about their lives and about how they think, what they feel, and what they need.  Feldhahn then conducted a more informal follow-up survey of another four hundred churchgoers.  Across all these there were very few differences in the answers by secular men and Christian men.

The author has listed seven revelations that are the results of her surveys which she felt were important but there are other areas.

As we go through these areas, keep in mind that every area of a man’s life, AFFECTS the other areas.

The inner life of a man is a package, with these elements melded and wrapped up inside.

These revelations are also backed up by EVIDENCE—a groundbreaking professional survey .

1. Men need respect

Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.

2.  Men are insecure

Despite their “in control” exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.

3.  Men are providers

Even if you personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide.

4.  Men want more sex

Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense

of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.

5.  Men are visual

Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.

6.  Men are unromantic clods

Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic—but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.

7.  Men care about appearance

You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself—and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you.

Feldhahn’s ground rules

First, Don’t male-bash, because these men shared their heart with her.

Second, this is focusing entirely in how we relate to men, not the other way around.

Third,  keep in mind that there are always exceptions to the rule.

Fourth, this is addressing what is normal inside men.

Fifth, some of the enclosed insight may be distressing because it affects our view of the men in our lives and our view of ourselves.  These are things that men often weren’t willing or able to say directly to their spouses or girlfriends.

Because your husband is wired as a man, this is why you love him.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WHO’S THE LEADER OF THE PACK?

When my husband and I were missionaries in England in the 80’s, we saw that the road rules were different than in the USA.  Over there they have round-abouts, which you don’t see here much.  Instead of a stop sign at most intersections,there is a round road in the middle.  As you approach, you look to see if any cars are on the round-about that are close to your car.  If not, you have the right of way to get on to the round about and get off on the street of your choice.

What is cool, is that you don’t have to stop.  You just time the cars on the round about, and get on where there is an opening of no cars.  Here in the U.S. almost all the cars stop at a round about when they don’t have to.  I never stop; instead I step on the gas and go.  That is the beauty of a round-about.

Traffic rules are set up for our benefit and protection.

We will continue with what the bible says wives do to blaspheme God’s word.

Titus 2:4-5 “That they may teach the young women to be… obedient to their own husbands…”

In the New Testament, at least SIX times there is a mention of the responsibility of the wife to her husband.

God is trying to keep order in the “marriage unit.”

I did a blog on submission which taught the wife that submission is a MISSION.

Submission is being on a mission for God to honor your marriage with the utmost reverence.

“You wives willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the church obeys Christ.”

Can I be obedient to my spouse only when I feel like it?  No, in everything!

Can I be obedient to my spouse only when I agree with him?  No, in everything!

Can I be obedient to my spouse only when he treats me with Christ-like love?  No, in everything!

There is no excuse for disobeying God’s word and you must answer to God for your own actions.

Why does he want you to be obedient in this area?  IT GLORIFIES GOD!!

It gives God a chance to show you off and He gets the glory.

Parents LOVE to show their kids off and God also loves it when His children do well.

Because we know that parents love to show off their children to family and friends, we try to do all sorts of children events at church so parents can.

At WORK your husband must have to face an array of frustrations and setbacks.

He probably gets criticized, lied to and many other problems that he doesn’t share with you as not to upset you.

God made the man to LEAD and he resents any tactics of trying to dominate or to manipulate to him.

If your husband is treated at home the same way he is treated at work, he may try to find another form of enjoyment outside of the home.

Girls, listen to me!!  YOU DON’T WANT THAT!!

Just like the YIELD right of way sign is to protect you, so is your obedience to husband and God is a great protection.

Even women with unsaved husbands are told to be obedient to them so they will come to Christ by the behavior of the wife.

How much more are us women who have saved husbands, are to RESPOND to this command.

You go girl!!  The Holy Spirit wants to guide you through this.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

LIVING FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS

 I saw something the other day on TV that was very touching.  It showed these young Jewish teenagers living in a concentration camp in Germany in the 1940’s.  The Jewish man telling the story said he hadn’t felt hot water or washed his hands in five years.  Life was miserable for them in hard labor.  One day when the war ended and they were walking down a road they saw American tanks driving through one of their roads.  The soldiers stopped to take care of some things, when these young Jewish teens walked up to them to help them.  The soldiers saw how these guys were just a bag of bones and one of them handed one teen a can of rations.  The Jewish teenage knealt down and kissed the soldiers boots.  I couldn’t handle it because the one telling the story, was the teen himself who is now about 80 years old.   He said the soldier turned around and asked his comrades to give him more rations for the Jewish teens.

These soldiers had nothing else to give, but nothing else was needed.  Just a simple gift of rations was needed.   These kids had nothing but water and bread to eat for years only if the Germans felt like feeding them that day.  The man said that the encouragement the soldier gave him that day, changed his life.  He gave the boy hope.  He now lives here in New York and devotes his life to encouraging teens which have a hard life.

We will continue on in Titus with what not to do as a wife to blaspheme God’s word.

Titus 2:3-5 “…teach the younger women…to be good…”

This word “good” in the Greek is AGATHOS’ which means a GOOD BENEFIT.

This implies to be a person who lives for the benefit of others and loves to do good deeds.

As Jesus was doing His day to day ministry healing and feeding people, He ran into many COMPLICATIONS.

Jesus was rejected by His own people, and His family thought he was insane.

The Pharisees did every thing they could to INTIMIDATE Him.

Needy people pursued him night and day for His attention.

Matt.10:42 “And whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold water only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no way loose his reward.”

Jesus is trying to teach us to be rich in good works and to be ready to benefit someone else’s life.

Let’s look at some verses that were being spoken to people who are RICH.

1Tim.6:17-18  “Charge them that are rich in this world, that they…not trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy; That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate.”

I will be taking comments from Rick Renners book “Sparkling Gems from the Greek”.

In Timothy, these are good deeds that leave people in a better condition than they were in when you found them.

The rich are instructed to work hard at GIVING to the right people.

Those who possess a lot of material resources should be elated, thrilled and euphoric about every opportunity they have to give.

When you put all the Greek words together, this is what Paul was URGING the rich to do.

“Work diligently at richly performing good deeds with the resources God has given you.  Put your whole heart into using those resources to leave people in a better shape than they were before you acted on their behalf.  You should be elated, thrilled, and euphoric about every opportunity you have to give.  You should be excited about every chance that presents itself for you to be generous.”

This is not only for people who have money, this is for all of us.

This is not a third world country and that means that we can all CONTRIBUTE to inviting someone over for dinner or taking someone IN NEED for a lunch.

Ask God for opportunities to do “random acts of kindness.”

Especially do it if it is for your spouse.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

THE GIFT OF COMPASSION

WHEN JOB LOST NEARLY EVERYTHING he had–his children, his possessions, his reputation, and his health–that’s when he needed his wife to step in and give him her unconditional support.  But this is what he got: “Then his wife said to him ‘Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”‘ (Job 2:8,9).  These were obviously not the words Job needed to hear from his wife.

Don’t leave your spouse alone to deal with his own personal tragedies.  Whatever he is facing, he needs you to face it with him.  He needs your compassionate, consistent, and tireless belief in him.  It’s in these moments when you will experience what Proverbs 18:21 teaches, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”    Your words have enormous power in the life of your spouse.  Find ways to use your words to encourage his faith, not his unbelief.

Talk about the context of his life and together gain an understanding of what has shaped him.  The more you fully grasp the context of your mate’s journey to adulthood–and express compassion for where he has been–the more freedom he will feel to pour out his heart.  Remember that parents, coaches, teachers, ears, siblings, and other significant people gave him a personal heritage of either success or failure.

Tell him that you are unlike those who have rejected him, your commitment is unwavering and your love is consistent.  In this climate of compassion and patience, he will begin to feel free to take risks and to move ahead without fear of rejection.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible.

WHO WILL BUILD YOUR HOME

Who will be the builder of your marriage?  King David warned, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it”  (Psa.127:1).

Several years ago I met a husband and wife who had been married for fourteen years, but one might say they had been married for one year, fourteen times!  Despite the appearance of success, their home was riddled with conflict.  Both harbored massive resentments against the other.  The builder of the home was clearly Self.

Even when they attended a Weekend to Remember conference, they fought the whole time.  Yet somehow, at home, they committed their lives to Christ and asked Him to be the Architect and Builder of their marriage.

A year later they told me their story.  They reported leading their seven-year-old and ten-year-old children to Christ, clear signs of the Master Builder at work in their marriage.  In fact, that first year they began building their home on God’s wisdom, they changed the day they celebrated their wedding anniversary to the date of their first conference!  When people ask them today how many years they’ve been married, they reply, “Since 1988,” even though they actually walked down the aisle thirteen years before.

God really does renovate and rebuild homes!  No matter what you are facing, no matter how difficult the challenge, He is able to do exceedingly, above all that you can ask or think (Eph.4:20).

NOTE:  Daily their is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

RULING THE ROOST WELL

Everyone loves anything that is homemade for an array of reasons.  They know that the ingredients are fresh with no preservatives in them.  These homemade goods were cooked or baked with love.

Let’s look at Titus in Gods word.

Titus 2:3-5  “…the aged women…should teach the young women… to be keepers at home…”

This is an admonition not to neglect your domestic duties.

This does not mean that a woman should be IMPRISONED in her own home and not work or be involved in anything outside of the home.

Caring for the home is what is implied in this verse.

The bible clearly states that a women’s highest calling, is to be a “keeper at home.’

1Tim.5:14 “I will therefore that the younger women marry…guide the house…”

The meaning for “guide the house” in the Greek, refers to RULE A FAMILY.  This doesn’t mean your husband is under you.  It is an expression given to a watchdog or a rooster.  This is talking to the person who watches over the family making sure that all members are taken care of and everything is in good order.

The apostle Paul is teaching the husband what the role of his wife is suppose to be.  Her purpose in life, is to guide that house.

This FREES up the husband to do other things to provide and protect his family.

This is no menial chore since the wife has to be a master planner, a budgeter, learn culinary skills, and excel in interior decorating.

Are you organized and disciplined when it comes to YOUR home?

God is glorified in a well kept house that is a blessing to others.

Is your home a place where people FEEL welcomed, comfortable and at peace?

When you are a “keeper at home”, you fulfill a high calling and fulfill a blessed role.

A wife’s role is so vital and demanding that she must devote herself to this role entirely.

You cannot decide you will be a “keeper at home” this week, then not come back to it for a month.

You need to stay on top of it everyday.

CASE AND POINT:  I was watching the Food Network Channel and heard the producer say something very important.  As the chef’s were competing against each other to have their own show, she told them there were three things needed in their presentations: warmth, information, and magic.

That really excited me when I heard it because my thought was that as a “keeper at home” , we need those three ingredients to be successful.

WARMTH – Show tenderness to your family members so that they know you are always approachable.  We are not to be the drill sergeant but a loving mother.  Remember that our home is our place of refuge.  It is not a place to be yelled and criticized.

INFORMATION – We get our information from the word of God.  We are to teach and inform the family members how they need to love and respect each other.  This is where you control what is watched on TV, listened to on the radio and done or said in the house. If one of your children accuses you of favoring another child, you can tell them you are defending godly principles in your home.  Whoever breaks those godly rules will suffer the repercussion no matter who it is.

MAGIC – We believe in miracles and the power of the Holy Spirit.  As the “keeper at home”, it is your job to keep the presence of the Holy Spirit in your home.  You might be upset because no one is serving God the way you want them to but you need to daily seek God for guidance and believe in His miracle working power.

Managing your home is your constant occupation.

A woman who neglects her responsibilities, her house will come to ruin.  Prov.14:1 “…the foolish woman plucketh it (house) down with her hands.”

Do you give your home the priority it deserves?

Do you TREASURE your role as an indispensable wife and mother?

Is your home well ordered?

Allow the Holy Spirit to help you.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

HEY WILD THING!

We will continue to look at what a wife does that blasphemes God’s word.

There were 8 items that wives were told to do or else they would blaspheme Gods Word.

We will be looking at the high importance of a wife being chaste.

Titus 2:4-5  “…That they may teach the younger women to be…chaste…”

The word “chaste” comes from the Greek word pronounced hag-nos’ which means PROPERLY, CLEAN, INNOCENT, MODEST, PERFECT, CLEAN AND PURE.

Jesus paid a big price on the cross, and that gives him a right to choose what kind of behavior he expects from His loved ones who will spend eternity with him.

These behavior patterns are very BECOMING for a husband to see coming from his wife also.

1Pet.3.1-2 “…wives …if any (husband) obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

This verse is saying that if your husband is unsaved, you don’t even have to say a word.   Just by your chaste conversation, you will win him over.

This is why it is so IMPORTANT for us to be chaste in our behavior and conversation.

2Cor.11:2 “For I am  jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.”

In this verse Paul was jealous over his own converts so he could present them to Christ just like a chaste virgin is presented to her husband.

We see Apostle Paul using the same word chaste to describe the virgin that is PRESENTED to her husband on their wedding day.

Paul is looking for his converts to live a chaste life cause he wants to be proud of them.

Sad to say, we don’t get to hear a lot of talk about living a HOLY life.

Instead of wives trying to dress modestly, a few years ago we saw a lot of them at age 40 dressing like Britney Spears.

Christian woman should not have all the fad clothes that say “Rock Star” on their Tshirts just to get the attention that they want.

You don’t have to keep up with what all the movie stars are wearing and doing.

Prov.4:24-27 (NAS) “Put away from you a deceitful mouth, and put devious lips far from you.  Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be faced straight in front of you.  Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established.  Do not turn to the right or left: turn your foot from evil.”

No Christian wife should have a “wild disposition.”

l love to see the young Christian girls dressed in style without showing their private parts.

CASE AND POINT:  About 30 years ago I went to a church with another pastors wife.  The pastors wife was loud, wild and boisterous.  All she talked about was herself and what she was wearing .  Everyone knew she was in the room cause she was so entertaining.  When the band started playing and the service started she told me and another pastors wife to wait.  About ten minutes later  she said, “Okay let’s go.  I go first and you two walk behind me.”  She was a big woman and swung her hips as she came down the aisle.  She smiled and starred at everyone as she walked down the aisle making sure that they all were starring at her.  I couldn’t believe my eyes as a new convert.  There was nothing “chaste” about her.  Within 5 years, I heard she was divorced from the pastor.  I remember thinking that their marriage was such a bad testimony, but so was her behavior.

Don’t be written on the minds of people around you for the wrong thing.

When you live to PLEASE God, you will please the people around you.

God is searching the world for “chaste” women to represent him!!

Are you one of them?

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

QUEEN, TAKE YOUR THRONE

There are a lot of movies about the Kings & Queens of England.  They are portrayed as people who are not approachable.   The only way to visit them is to be invited.  All others, they are protected from.  Even the ones who are invited to visit the queen must learn an array of items to show respect to the queen.  Like how to bow when she is met, how to leave her presence and how to handle yourself in speaking with her.

In other words, you are to be “discreet.”

In Titus, woman are told if they are not DISCREET that they will blaspheme God’s word.

Titus 2:3-5 “the aged women…they may teach the young women to be discreet…that the word of God be not blasphemed.

The word “discreet” in the Greek means SOUND IN MIND; SELF-CONTROLLED; MODERATE AS TO OPINION OR PASSION.

This is not something that we are born with, it is something we must learn.

If you are not SELF CONTROLLED and have to vent to all, letting everyone at work, home or school know exactly what you think or feel, you are not alone.

Most women aren’t self controlled and that is why this is in the bible.

You are God’s ROYALTY and he wants you to stand out in a crowd.

You are GODS child and he wants to show you off to the world.

In the bible, there is an EXAMPLE of a great man that was discreet.

Gen.41:33 “…let Pharoah…look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt.”

Joseph interpreted Pharoah’s dream, in turn, when he went to find someone discreet and wise, he found none other than Joseph.

Gen.41;39 “…Forasmuch as God hath shewed thee all this, there is none so discreet and wise as thou art.”

Why?  Because they knew that Joseph had God’s favor in his life.

Why?  Because Joseph used the gifts God gave him to HELP others.

Why?  Because Joseph was wise.

Why?  Because Joseph was DISCREET.

When you have an opinion about something, does that opinion stand first and all others are not considered.

Do people look at you as being FAIR on your judgment.

This has to be at the top of God’s list because EIGHT items were listed to be learned.

Are you the queen of God’s heart?

Then lets learn to be discreet.

Ask God what areas you need to be more like Him.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.