LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

NO FREE RENT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

Do you know how to defuse the destructive power of resentment in your marriage?

We will look at four important steps that can be taken.

First, Toss out your need for revenge.

When we are hurt, our natural instinct is to strike back at our spouse.

This is our primitive need for self-preservation.

Revenge begets revenge and there is no end to the cycle.

To forgive your spouse means that you give up your right to retaliate.

Giving up your right to retaliate against your spouse is for your benefit because there will be no end to the escalating conflict.

Second, Acquire a holy view-point.

Matt.18:21-35 is the parable about the unforgiving servant.  “…and his Lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.”

Then Jesus said, “So likewise shall my heavenly father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not everyone his brother their trespasses.”

We should have shivers down our back.

Your hurts are insignificant when compared to the hurt you have caused God.

UNLESS YOU FORGIVE THE HURT OTHERS HAVE DONE TO YOU, GOD CANNOT FORGIVE YOUR DEBT TO HIM.

Third, Hold onto a spirit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is designed to protect us from our own anger.

It is not necessary for your spouse to admit their guilt or ask for forgiveness.

Lovingly ask your spouse to stop hurting you.

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head!!

Four, Turn your resentment into kindness

In Romans 12:17-21 tells us never to be revengeful because we will be overcome with evil.

Matt.5:44 “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”

There are times that we want our spouse to suffer for what they have  done to us but the gospel has taken away your right to punish.

Do you want to free yourself from resentment and anger and get full advantage from forgiveness?

Turn your resentment into kindness.

When you do this:

• It gives you the feeling that you are now in control.
• It protects you from further anger.
• Possibly your spouse will not continue to hurt you.
• It keeps you from further sins.

Keep your reactions from becoming a greater sin than the original action.

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, HE IS YOUR PRIORITY.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

ARE WEEDS IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Resentment breeds resentment just like weeds breed weeds.

Resentment is like taking POISON and waiting for the other person to die.

Resentments destructive power comes from several sources:

First, Resentment prevents contentment.

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1Tim.6:6

Your resentment will destroy your marital happiness.

If we were left to our own devices, we would self-destruct.

Second, Resentment exaggerates emotional hurts.

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (Prov.10:19)

Exaggerating is lying.

Lying and slandering your spouse, the bible states that it is one of the things that God hates.

Don’t think that because it is your spouse that it gives you the freedom to exaggerate.

NO! NO! NO!

Third, Resentment never forgets.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past..”  Isa.43:18

Therapists try but fail to get people to let go of resentments.

Resentment best fits our “lower nature”.

In other words, we become animalistic when we harbor resentment.

85% of illnesses are due to stressful situations.

Has holding resentment against your spouse ever made you healthier or happier?

We enjoy resentment because it makes us feel self-righteous and adds to our self-pity.

We feel uncomfortable like we are betraying our deepest need if we let our spouse off the hook.

Fourth, Resentment is revengeful.

“…Avenge not yourself…it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Rom. 12:19

The natural thing for us to do is to plan revenge against our spouse.

Get the weeds out of your marriage!

Only you can do it.

No one else can put those weeds out.

They are growing and multiplying as you read this blog.

The longer they stay there, the thicker and stronger they get.

You will JUSTIFY  your position, but the reality is you have lost your position.

Clear the path to your heart so the Holy Spirit can bring great things into your life and marriage.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DEVILS PLAYGROUND IS MARITAL RESENTMENT

Resentment is a powerful emotion that is one of the major sources of marital stress.

One of the most destructive of all human emotions is resentment.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking; be put away from you…”

Resentment means a feeling of displeasure and righteous anger, from a sense of being injured or offended.

Why was Paul so adamant about resentment?

Resentment is a DESTRUCTIVE POWER.

Bitterness in the Greek is “Pikria” which literally means a plant that produces a poisonous fruit.

Resentment is a powerful emotion that is one of the major sources of marital stress.

Research has found that there is an increase in depression in a disruptive marriage.

In a 2009 study, it was revealed that spousal anger contributes to depressive illness.

On going conflict puts a damaging strain on you, your children, your family, and your friends.

Is that the kinds of family life you want to come home to?

There are no winners in a home filled with “bitter fungus”.

Your body is paying a price for all that resentment bottled up inside of you.

Marital conflict increases blood pressure, coronary heart disease and congestive heart failure.

When you are angry and resentful, don’t COMMUNICATE!

Give God your super-sensitivity, selfishness and need for control, in order to decrease resentment.

You will have unresolved resentment from past hurts if your harbor bitterness.

Have you been violated by your parents, family, close friends, former spouses or former dating partners?

Don’t unconsciously, deeply wound your best friend (spouse).

Psychologist Dr. Archibald D. Hart states in his book “Helping Children Survive Divorce” that only the gospel of Christ is capable of healing the deepest human hurt at its very root.

The ability to forgive others is a gift from God that releases us from damaged emotions.

Don’t let your marriage be a playground for Satan.

You give him that permission when you harbor resentment.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

SPOUSES NEED A PERFORMANCE TREADMILL

There is an important human need inside each one of us to CONTRIBUTE something into this world.

The definition of contribute is to give with others and beyond ourselves; to furnish knowledge or ideas; to share in bringing about results; to be partly responsible.

We need to know that what we do ADDS value for ourselves and for others.

Have you ever found yourself searching for meaning or purpose?  Well your spouse does also.

God put that in us because we are to be the SHOWCASE for God’s glorious character.

Psa.89:1 “…I will sing the mercies of the Lord forever: with my mouth I will make known thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens.”

Your spouse needs to feel proud of his results.

Listen to Apostle Paul brag.  2Thess.1:4 “…we ourselves glory…”

Your spouses time, talents and energy have been a GREAT contribution to others.

Paul used the Greek word “egkauchaomai.”  

It means “to brag” or “to boast”.

He was proud of them because they were viciously and relentlessly pursued.

If your spouse is led by their values, they will value THEMSELVES.

A great source of inner fulfillment is when your spouse learns to commit to the values he wants to contribute.

When your spouses need to contribute is not met there are EMOTIONS that are associated with it.

Spouses need to be on a performance treadmill in order to fulfill the need to contribute.

Shame, fear, worthlessness, depression and dejection are some of the emotions suffered when the need to contribute is not RECOGNIZED.

When your spouse is contributing and being recognized for their part, they feel satisfaction, happiness, pride and fulfillment.

Let’s not stand in the way of their JUBILATION.

Let’s partake in the initiating of the jubilation.

That is your privilege as their spouse.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to make your marriage a success.

FIVE PHASES OF MARITAL LOVE

For any marriage to be blissful, couples should understand the 5 phases of marital love.

All the phases must manifest in every home, if the home is to be a place of love and togetherness.

Phase 1 – Attraction:

This is what we call face love.

It involves accepting the outlook of your spouse and be intoxicated by it.

As soon as a man loses interest in the outlook and dressing of his wife, it will affect other phases of love.

Both husband and wife should train themselves to be interested in the outlook of their spouse.

Phase 2 – Emotion:

This is what we do refer to as “mind love”.

It involves giving room for deep affection toward one’s spouse.

It is heartfelt love; it’s frequency is always very high before wedding, during honey moon and shortly after the wedding.

But most of the time, it doesn’t last as couples begin to take each other for granted.

It affects their feelings, and kills the “mind love”.

Phase 3 – Compulsion Love:

It is known as responsibility love.

This is the kind that exists between a man and his wife that makes them stay together and perform their duties to each other even when they are no more attractive to each other and affection is gone.

This is what remains in many marriages; when it departs from the home, there is likely to be separation and divorce.

Phase 4 – Passion:

This is known as sexual love.

It is the aspect that makes the man to desire to sleep with his wife.

If it exists between unmarried people, it is called lust.

Most of the time wives are the first to lose this face of love.

In fact, it is one of the things a woman loses when she is unhappy with her husband, thereby leading to sexual denial of her husband.

Phase 5 – Compassion:

It is known as a God kind of love or agape love.

This love is unusual; it is not based on the outlook, body chemistry, feelings or happenings around us.

It is a love that is deep rooted in kindness and acceptance.

It is a sacrificial love.

Unfortunately very few couples got married based on this kind of love; most women based their marriages on emotional love, while men based theirs on attraction and passion.

NOTE:  This article was written by Bisi Adewale.  bisiadewale.com

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DEMONSTRATE ANGER APPROPRIATELY

ANGER IS A GOD-GIVEN, God-created emotion that the Lord himself demonstrated on many occasions throughout human history, as He did with Moses, “So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses” (4:14).

Unfortunately, there is a big difference between God and us.

While God is perfect in every way—including in how He experiences and demonstrates His anger—we are prone to experiencing and expressing our anger in inappropriate, sinful says.

Too often, our anger is not a righteous anger like God’s is.

God becomes angry at unrighteousness; we usually become angry when we don’t get our own way or we feel slighted in some way.

If we want to have successful, satisfying marriages, if we want to be the kind of parents who teach their children to express themselves correctly, then we need to learn to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate expressions of our anger, and we need to learn to express our anger appropriately.

Because many adults don’t know how to properly handle their own anger, they respond in hurtful ways when their spouse or their children express anger inappropriately.

So what may have begun as a child sinning devolves into two children sinning, one an adult child and the other an adolescent.

NOTE:  This article was taken from a book called, “Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis & Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help you make your marriage a success.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER

 Question #1.  What should you do when a friend of your spouse who is of the opposite sex has made very inappropriate comments to your spouse.  They don’t know that I know about those comments.  My spouse would fear to loose that person as a friend and would fear they may not think they are “cool.”  This is causing me to question everything concerning my spouse and especially what is associated with this particular friend.  This now comes across to my spouse as being “jealous” or “overprotective.”  My spouse now says that they are unhappy with our marriage.  I am trying to act godly and not get physical with this friend…but what else can I do?  I have prayed to God to remove evil and destructive people from around my wife for the glorification and protection of our marriage and also asked that He bless those people as well.  I have prayed that God show my spouse that the devil is working through that person to destroy our marriage.  I feel that I have been a great spouse (no lies, no cheating, no abuse, supportive, caring, loving).  What is one to do?

Answer #1.  You should be direct with your spouse and tell them the information that you have concerning the inappropriate comments.  You must let your spouse know that you do not agree with them being spoken to like that.  There is something wrong with this friend who is talking like that behind your back to your spouse.  Tell your spouse to sever contacting that person.  If the friend inquires why there hasn’t been any contact, your spouse needs to tell them you do not agree with their comments.  Your spouse must tell them your wishes must be respected and your marriage honored.  If your spouse refuses, give the Holy Spirit time to convict them.  Don’t argue with them, but let your spouse know that your marriage is being violated by this intruder.  Make sure that it is a good time to have this discussion.  Remember that God is with you because he esteems your marriage.

YOUR SPOUSE IS IMPORTANT

One of the most important needs in your spouse’s life is to feel important and significant!

Lack of significance is a primary source of emotional pain.

The definition of importance is greatness of worth and influence; significant; needed; special.

Eph.2:10 “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…”

Do you have hindrances that keep you from being yourself?

We all have certain people that we feel comfortable being around.

Those people put us in our comfort zone and we can act whatever way we want and feel we will be accepted and appreciated.

CASE AND POINT:  My husband and I don’t go to all the church activities like picnics, parties, etc.  As soon as we walk in, things go a little quiet and we feel that everyone becomes uncomfortable.  I want to tell them not to be uncomfortable because we spill food, trip, call people by the wrong names and burp!

Your spouse will avoid people and situations when there is the risk of failure or rejection just like you would.

That means that your spouse needs your love and encouragement.

Misery will enter your spouse’s life if they feel they have no value, purpose or significance.

God is the one who placed in your spouse a hunger for significance and to be important.

The Holy Spirit is here to fulfill the hunger to be important but God also gave you to your spouse to do that also.

Gods word says that He created a wife for Adam to meet his need for companionship and understanding.

You are his “Helpmeet”!

You are his companion, his cheerleader, and his friendly friend!

And DON’T FORGET IT!!

I didn’t say it!

God said it in Genesis and Malachi 2.

Get out those “pom poms” the game is on!

When Adam fell, it robbed our spouse of their self-worth and he is now on a continual search for significance.

If your spouse’s parents were not lovable or protective of them, your spouses need for significance may be of the utmost importance.

Your spouse will need time to change along with your encouragement, God’s word, and the power of the Holy Ghost.

Christ died for us and exchanged His life for our life.

That is how important you and your spouse are to Him.

He wants you to represent Him to your spouse.

It is your divine appointment!

Don’t miss out on your purpose and significance in life.

It is of the utmost importance!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage to succeed.

NO MARRIAGE WORKS WITHOUT FLEXIBILITY

Your marriage cannot survive without flexibility because it does not allow your spouse to have freedom of expression.

Flexibility is a MUST for every marriage.

In the world, the United States has the highest divorce rate and the women file for divorce twice as much as the men.

One of the reasons is that many women are STUBBORN and demand their own way.

The word “stubborn” appears 28 times in the bible and the word “stiff-necked” about 19 times.   Stiff-necked also means stubborn.

Until stubbornness is overcome, your marital relationship will suffer.

“…stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.  Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD… “  1SAM.15:23

In God’s eyes, a stubborn wife is as guilty as anyone who worships Satan.

If you are being narrow minded, you are having YOUR own way without regard to your spouse’s ideas or feelings.

Wives, be careful to make sure you are obeying your husband, whether he is right and spiritual or not.

Divorce is an epidemic and STUBBORNNESS is an issue of the heart.

Jer.17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.”

The bible warns that being inflexible to your spouse is folly.

Do you see your IDEAS from their perspective?

Can you listen to your spouses remedies to solve problems in a new and  different way?

Do you ever let your spouse know that you appreciate and understand their VIEWPOINT?

How can you arrive at an agreement or judgment if you have an inflexible perspective.

Is your thinking, attitude and perspective RIGID?

You are leaving your spouse with a feeling of rejection when you say, “I am right and you are wrong.”

The stress you experience in your life is due to inflexibility and your inability to accept change.

When you are flexible you will experience many twists and turns, ups and downs, and uncertainties.

CASE AND POINT:  When my husband and I were asked to be missionaries in England during the early 80’s it was spiritually dead.  We gave up our house, business, furniture along with friends and family to be in the will of God.  Anything and everything we owned had to fit into four suitcases.  As we sat on the plane headed for Manchester, I turned to my husband and asked him what his plan was for building a church in England.  I had given up all my Tupperware and expensive pots and pans we had received as marriage gifts so I was expecting a divine plan to come out of his mouth.  Lol!!  This was his response, “I don’t have a plan.  We will get there and see what happens.”  At that moment I spiritually matured about 40 years.  My spiritual hair turned gray.  I realized I had to be flexible and trust in God.  It worked.  It was definitely one of the highlights of my spiritual life.  I thank God everyday that my husband was sensitive to the Holy Spirit and flexible enough to give up his life to go.

To be flexible, there must be a willingness to take RISKS.

Life is not about survival but about enjoyment in the Holy Ghost.

Your spouse’s different opinion does not make them the ENEMY.

A different opinion is a source of wisdom, knowledge, understanding and the power of the Holy Spirit.

Flexibility is the GIFT that keeps on giving.

Your marriage is worth it.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to give help to make your marriage successful.

SECURING OUR MARITAL BUNGEE CORD

There are human NEEDS that your spouse cannot live without.

One of the needs that we cannot live without is security.

The definition for security is FREEDOM from fear, anxiety, danger and doubt.

Security ASSURES safety, protection against attacks, and certainty with trust.

Prov. 31:11 “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

This man in proverbs doesn’t fear of his wife betraying his secrets.

Does your husband ASK for your advise and confidence on important matters?

Does he have complete trust in you?

There is no other JOY a wife can experience that counts more than to be trusted.

When you are trusted, it brings inspiration to work hard for your husband and family.

Marriage THRIVES where there is honor and respect.

Are you held in high honor as this Hebrew wife?

In Gen.24:14,  Eliezer PRAYED to God as he was looking for a wife for Abraham’s son.  Eliezer told God to let it be the woman who offers to water his camels.

That meant that to water his camels would take over 200 gallons of water.

Can you imagine offering to carry 200 gallons of water to water camels of a total stranger?

That was no small TASK.

It took a servants heart like Rebekah’s to complete a task this hard.

Rebekah was beautiful but there was a lot more to her than just a beautiful FACE.

If she could make such sacrifices of herself to a total stranger than what service will she bring to a man she is committed to through marriage.

When we are feeling INSECURE we look for someone to make us feel secure.

The natural place for us to look for that security is in our spouse.

Have you ever looked to your spouse for security and been very DISAPPOINTED?

Disappointment leads to anger.

Only God can give us that COMPLETE feeling of security when we are grounded in a secure relationship with Him.

Deut.33:12 “Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders.”

CASE AND POINT:  Years ago I heard on the news about someone who went bungee jumping.  They were having a great time till one of them jumped and realized that they forgot to tie the other end of the cord onto something secure.  They were concentrating on making the one end of the cord very secure on the person jumping.

In order for something to be secure, it needs to be tied to something that is immovable.

Psa.16:8 “I have set the LORD always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.”

God is the only one who can take you from insecurity to security and blessings.

As a spouse, we need the Holy Spirit in our marriage to bring that security that our spouse desperately needs in their life.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.