LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

LEARNING TO ADJUST

Every marriage requires a time of adjustment.  Since marriage involves the union of two people, each coming from different backgrounds and with their own set if values and expectations, it will take them time and effort to learn how to live together in harmony.

Even before Israel crossed over into the Promised Land, God highlighted this need for a time of marital adjustment.  He commanded His people to give newly-married husbands one year off from military and commercial duties.  Such a man “shall be free at home one year,” God said, “and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken (Deut.24:5).

To have a grace-filled marriage means to helplessly give your partner room to be different, and then flexing on his or her behalf.  It means putting his/her needs ahead of your own and it means allowing him/her to be who they are…even when that requires some unexpected adjustments.

God intended for marriage to be a picture of selfless giving, with both partners giving all they have to give for the good of the other.  When we walk and live according to that model, we will be able to adjust to whatever our spouse brings to the table.

NOTE:  This article is from the Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help you marriage be a success.

SATURDAY Q & A 

Question #1:  How can I regain the respect I’ve lost for my husband?

Answer:

That’s a difficult struggle, because Ephesians 5:33 makes it clear that wives are to respect their husbands.  I suggest you make a real effort to think of things you can still respect about your husband.  You have to choose to focus on the positive if you want to make your marriage last.

Pull back from the daily routine of life, look at him objectively, and say, “What is good about him?  What did I respect in the first place?”  Study him again and don’t allow yourself to be blinded by his weaknesses and inadequacies, the things you don’t like.

Some of these positive things may seem basic, but they really are important.  In fact, it’s easy for a wife to take some of these things for granted.  The fact that a husband goes to work and provides for the family financially is worthy of respect.  Maybe he plays ball with your son or daughter.  That’s worthy of respect.

You may wish he did more, but if you  let him know how much you appreciate what he does, he will feel encouraged.  Say, “I’m glad I’m married to a man who’s faithful to provide for his family.”  Or write him a note expressing your appreciation and admiration.

NOTE:  This question and answer was from an article in the Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

KEEPING A PARASITE FREE MARRIAGE

Do you know how to identify parasites in your marriage?

Are you even WATCHING out for parasites?

A parasite is a follower who hangs around a host in hope of gain or advantage.

The Apostle Paul tells us to have on the BREASTPLATE of righteousness for a crucial reason.

“Stand therefore…having on the breastplate of righteousness” Eph.6:14

A breastplate covers the heart and vital organs and keeps them from harm or being destroyed.

In our spiritual ARSENAL, we have the breastplate of righteousness and all we have to do is put it on.

1Thess.5:8 “…having put on a breastplate of faith and love…”

God’s character is the definition and source of all righteousness.

Satan’s attacks come against your marriage with crafty ACCUSATIONS that undermine what God is doing in your marriage.

Remember that you are wearing the breastplate of righteousness when the enemy comes around to destroy.

Righteousness is anything that conforms to a standard and our standard is the WORD of God.

An area the enemy thrusts at marriages is unrighteousness in our finances.

Finances are at the top for reasons that cause the most DIVORCES.

The enemy tries to get you to hide money from your spouse.

He will cause you to have a spending frenzy so you will try to SPEND as much money as you can before your spouse does.

Being righteous in your finances means that you surrender to the Holy Spirit who fills and controls you.

Warfare starts in the battlefield of your MIND.

Be sure that you pay tithes and offerings so that you will not be robbing God and closing the windows of heaven.

Gods Word says that when we give, he opens up HEAVEN to us.

Do you and your spouse argue about money?

Arguing over finances NEVER solves marital problems.

If the finances cannot be resolved, you can either hire a financial advisor or a Christian marital counselor who can teach you some communication skills.

Money is to be a tool to bring us closer to God as we commit our finances to Him.

Are you FULL of parasites?

“My flock has become prey and food for every wild animal.”  How so?  For “they lack a shepherd.” (Eze.34:8)

Are parasites hanging on you trying to take advantage of your situation?

Parasites promise PLEASURE but grow and consume more of your thoughts and time.

Your loyalty to your spouse and your time are stolen away.

Pay attention to your marriage and GUARD it!

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  Prov.4:23 NIV

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help make your marriage a success.

COOL TOOL FOR MARRIAGE

What are “cool tools”?

CASE AND POINT:  I was studying while the TV was on.  They had a program called “Cool Tools.”  It captivated me because they were “cool tools.”  I am not a spender nor do I buy things on impulse but I felt like I needed every one of those “cool tools.”  They even had electronic alarms to guard your “cool tools.”  I managed to turn the program off the TV without purchasing any of the tools I was convinced I couldn’t live without.

In God’s word he has “cool tools” also that he says we won’t make it without them.

One of God’s “cool tools” is a tool belt.

When I go get my hair done, I notice that the girl has all her scissors and combs on a tool belt around her waist.

People in construction also wear them so they can have all their tools hanging around their waist and at their DISPOSAL.

Tool belts make the carrier more efficient in time and accuracy because they are not distracted with anything else on their mind.

Paul says that the believers are to be EQUIPPED with a loin belt of truth, referring to God’s word.

“Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth…” Eph.6:14

CASE AND POINT:  A loinbelt was a Roman soldiers most important piece of weaponry.  It held his weapons together such as his sword, arrow pouch, and breastplate.  If it were not for the loin belt, the Roman soldier would have nothing to hang his essential weaponry on.  This gave him the opportunity to move quickly and fight with fury.

In your marriage you need truthfulness.

The Holy Spirit is the one who REVEALS the word of God that is in you and convicts you to be honest and truthful with your spouse.

The word “truth” in the Greek means that which is hidden.

This means openness or nothing hidden.

Test everything you say and do by comparing it to the plumbline of God’s WORD.

As a spouse you must love truth and live truth!

God is truth and he wrote the Bible which is the “owners manual.”

What book are you following for your standard??????

For a child of God, your armor is God’s word –the truth.

If God’s word is operating in your life, the Holy Spirit will quicken the word in you and use it as a sword.

Is God’s word dominating your THINKING for your marriage?

You will come apart at the seams if you don’t daily have His Word at the center of your life.

Do you have a powerful SWORD to fight against the enemy?

Start Loving truth and Living truth today!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be successful.

GETTING YOUR SPOUSE TO UNDERSTAND YOU

Any FOOL can criticize, condemn and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. (by Dale Carnegie)

Understanding is shown by both words and actions.

You may want to be understood but do you understand your SPOUSE.

Understanding is an inclination to support or be loyal to or to agree with an opinion.

Prov.2:11 “Discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you.”

The heart of EMPATHY is entering into another’s feelings.

How often do we really do this with our spouse??

There are SOME people in life that are very hard to empathize with.

When people bring things upon themselves, it is hard to have empathy.

Prov.4:7 “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.  Though it cost all you have get understanding.”

Here is a list of ways you can show understanding every day.

• Back off a little if your spouse needs space for a while.
• When your spouse is trying to talk to you, stop what you are doing and pay close attention.
• Stay close by when your spouse is worried or sad.  That may be when they need you the most.
• Look at your spouse in a caring way as he (or she) talks to you.
• Find time to rest together when your spouse is tired.
• Listen to your spouse the way you imagine you want to be  listened to.

• Go out of your way when your spouse needs or wants help.
• Be sure to tell your spouse that you are trying to see things their way.
• When your spouse is happy or loving, spend some time together enjoying the good feelings.
• Listen and show understanding before disagreeing when your spouse is upset.

The Holy Spirit wants to give you understanding for your spouse.

This is VITALLY important for your marriage.

Prov.24:3 “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established.

The word “established” in the Greek means fastened, firm, ready, or set.

If you don’t work towards understanding, you are leaving your marriage without seat belts for safety.

When the enemy comes to destroy your marriage, there will be nothing to hold it TOGETHER.

You can secure it right now.

Don’t keep God and your family waiting.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

THE ENEMY FIGHTS DIRTY IN MARRIAGES

Marriages are always under attack because it is a “Holy Institution” according to Malachi.

That is why statistics show that over 50% of marriages end up in divorce court.

For a second marriage statistics show about 74% of marriages do not make it.

John 10:10 “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy.”  (your marriage)

This is exactly what the devil wants to do to your marriage.

The enemy “fights dirty” against the survival of your marriage.

CASE AND POINT:  In 1983 there was a tragic and fatal boxing story.  It was a Jr. Middleweight bout between Collins versus Resto.  Billy Collins Jr. was from Tennessee and Luis Resto was from Puerto Rico.  Collins had never lost a match and was the favorite to win.  He was to be a contender for the championship.  Collins face was beat so bad that after a few rounds, he was unrecognizable.  He lost the fight to Resto.  When they went to shake hands, it was noticed that Restos glove had a slit in it.  The padding had been removed by someone and that left Collins face to be hit by direct knuckles in every punch.  Collins was left with permanent eye damage in his left iris, which was teared.  Permanently blurred vision.  This rising stars boxing career was finished.  Less than a year later he was DUI and his car crashed and landed in a river, killing him.  Whether it was a suicide or a DUI, he was dead at age 22.

Twenty five years later a documentary was made because the producer wanted to clear Resto’s name and shame for being responsible for the ripped glove.  After days and hours of interviews, Resto could not live with the guilt any longer.  He confessed that there was $23,000 involved in a fixed fight by his trainer.  His padding had been removed from his glove before the fight and cement was placed around the outside gauze of his knuckles.  Plus he was given an enhancer in his water.  Between him and his trainer, it cost the life of an upcoming star.

The devil plays dirty!!!

The devil is :

• A liar
• A murderer
• A sower of discord
• An adversary
• Cunning
• Wicked
• Malignant – Totally Evil
• Cowardly
• A tempter
• A thief
• Without principles
• Proud
• Deceitful
• Fierce and cruel
• Aggressive
• A destroyer

“For this purpose the Son of God was manifested that he might destroy the works of the devil.”

Your marriage has victory over the devil in Jesus name!

God never uses the devils work to deal with us.

God deals with us on a higher level.

“…neither give place to the devil…”

Paul is saying, “Keep the doors closed!!”

Gen.4:7 “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted?  And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door.”

God was warning Cain that satan was crouched at his door just waiting to control his life.  Cain chose to let jealousy in and ended up murdering his brother.

Eccles.10:8 “…and whose breaketh an hedge, a serpent shall bite him.”

Hedges were planted around houses to keep out dangerous snakes.

Don’t leave spiritual hedges open or you will be bitten!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

HAPPY MARRIAGE KEYS – Part 4

Fourteenth Key:  Be clean, modest, orderly, and dutiful.

“In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel.” 1Tim.2:9.  “She…works with willing hands.”  “She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household.”  “She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Prov.31:13, 15, 27.  “Be ye clean.” Isa.52:11.  “Let all things be done decently and in order.” 1Cor.14:40.  “If any provide not…for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” 1Tim.5:8.  “Be not slothful.” Heb.6:12.

Laziness, disorder, dirt, and slovenliness are the devil’s weapons to destroy your respect and affection for one another, and thus ruin your marriage.  Neat, modest attire and clean, well-groomed bodies are essential for both husband and wife.  The meals should be wholesome, attractive, and served on time.  The home should be clean and orderly, because this brings peace, calmness, and satisfaction to all.  A lazy, shiftless husband who does not provide for his household is a curse to his family and an insult to God.  Carelessness in some of these seemingly small matters is destroying homes by the thousands.

Fifteenth Key:  Determine to speak softly and kindly.

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Prov.15:1  “Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest.” Eccl.9:9.  “When I became a man, I put away childish things.” 1Cor.13:11.

Force yourself to speak softly and kindly to your spouse.  Silence, when one is attached, is often the best method to cool wrath.  Decisions made when angry, tired, or discouraged are unreliable anyway, so it’s best to relax and let anger cool.  And when you do speak, let it always be quietly and lovingly.  Harsh, angry words crush your spouse’s desire to please you.

Sixteenth Key:  Be reasonable in money matters. 

“It (love) is not possessive…Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage.” 1Cor.13:4,5.  “God  loveth a cheerful giver.” 2Cor.9:7

All possessions and income in marriage should be “ours,” not “yours” and “mine.”  Wives who don’t work outside the home should receive a regular amount for groceries, clothing, and other budgeted items.  It should be cheerfully provided instead of grudgingly released under protest.  Wife and husband both should have small, equal sums (whenever possible) to spend as desired without giving account.  A miserly husband usually angers his wife into being a spender, just as a wasteful husband makes a wife stingy.  Showing confidence in your companion’s managing ability will usually make him or her more businesslike.

Seventeenth Key:  Talk things over and counsel together freely.

“It (love) is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance…It is not touchy.” 1Cor.13:4, 5.  “He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul.” Prov.15:32.  “Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit?  There is more hope of a fool than of him.” Prov.26:12

Few things will strengthen your marriage more than counseling together on all major decisions.  Changing a job or purchasing a home, an automobile, a boat, furniture, clothing (Major items at least), and all other items that require money involve both husband and wife, and the opinions of both should be considered.  Talking things over together will avoid many blunders that could ruin your marriage.  If, after much discussion and earnest prayer, opinions still differ, the wife should submit to her husband’s decision.  Scripture is clear on this. (See Eph.5:22-24)

LISTEN, LEARN, AND LIVE

ALTHOUGH I’VE NEVER HEARD anyone actually ask the question, there are times when I know couples wonder, “What was God thinking when He brought the two of us together?”

Actually, I encourage spouses to pursue this line of thought.  If they do, they might find some relief for their marital troubles.  And I’m not kidding!

God says through Isaiah, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways’, says the Lord.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts” (55:8,9).

God’s thoughts and ways are different from yours, but He wants to make them accessible to you—for your benefit and His glory.  So if you’re wondering, “What was God thinking?”, then I encourage you to labor to find out.  God wants you to learn to think His thoughts after Him, to discover and to walk in His ways.

“But how do I do that?” you wonder.

It’s simple, really.  You train yourself to listen to God in His Word, “Oh, that My people would listen to Me, that Israel would walk in My ways!” (Ps.81:13).  That’s it!  Listen, learn, and live.  In the process, you just may understand what God was thinking when He brought you and your mate together!  His ways are not our ways.

NOTE:  This article was written by Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER   

Question #1:  What can I do to rekindle my wife’s desire for romance?

Answer #1:  Use the following top ten list as a place to start.

10.  Hold Hands.  Hold hands while driving, walking, sitting in church, or talking in bed.

9.   Give her a massage.  Give foot rubs, back rubs, neck rubs, or a body massage.

8.   Serve her.  Remember the common courtesies:  opening the door, pulling out a chair for her, etc.

7.   Give her a kiss.  Nibble on the back of her ear or her neck, or just kiss her before leaving for work.

6.   Walk together.  As a couple, go for a walk in the early morning, after dinner, or as the sun sets.

5.   Write something romantic.  Leave notes, letters, poems, cards. and other romantic written messages where she’ll find them.

4.  Go out on a date.  A weekly date without the kids can be a lifesaver.

3.  Prepare a meal.  Have a quiet meal together with candlelight, linger over breakfast, or go on a picnic.

2.   Touch her tenderly.  Use nonsexual touch: hold her, hug her, cuddle with her,  or place an arm around her in public.

1.   Give her flowers.  Deliver, hand-pick, or bring home a single rose.  Tulips are a great second choice!

NOTE:  This article was taken from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

HAPPY MARRIAGE KEYS – Part 3

Tenth Key:  God describes love; make it your daily goal to measure up.

“Love is forbearing and kind.  Love knowns no jealousy.  Love does not brag; is not conceited.  She is not unmannerly, or selfish, nor irritable, nor mindful of wrongs.  She does not rejoice in injustice, but joyfully sides with the truth.  She can overlook faults.  She is full of trust, full of hope, full of endurance.” 1Cor.13:4-7.

Please reread the above scripture passage carefully.  This is God’s true description of love.  How do you measure up?  Love is not a sentimental impulse, but a holy principle that involves every phase and action of life.  With true love, your marriage cannot fail.  Without it, it cannot succeed.

Eleventh Key:  Remember that criticism and nagging destroy love.

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Col.3:19.  “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Prov.21:19.  “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.” Prov.27:15.  “Why beholds thou the mote (splinter) that is in thy brother’s eye, but considers not the beam (whole board) that is in thine own eye?” Matt.7:3.  “Love…looks for a way of being constructive.” ICor.13:4.

Stop criticizing, nagging, and fault-finding.  Your husband or wife may lack much, but nagging won’t help.  Don’t expect perfection, or bitterness will result.  Overlook faults, and hunt for the good things.  Don’t try to reform, control, or compel your partner–you will destroy love.  Only God can change people.  A sense of humor, a cheerful heart, kindness, patience, and affection will banish two-thirds of your marriage problems.  Try to make your spouse happy rather than good, and the good will take care of itself.  The secret of a successful marriage lies not in having the right partner, but rather in being the right partner.

Twelfth Key:  Do not overdo in anything; be temperate.

“Every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things.” 1Cor.9:25.  “Love…does not pursue selfish advantage.” 1Cor.13:5.  “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” 1Cor.10:31.  I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection.” 1Cor. 9:27.  “If any would not work, neither should he eat.”  2Thes.3:10.  “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled.” Heb.13:4.  “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.  Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin.” Rom.6:12,13

Overdoing will ruin your marriage.  So will undergoing.  Work, love, rest, exercise, play, worship, meals, and social contacts must be carefully balanced in your marriage, or something will snap.  Overwork and the lack of sleep, proper food, or exercise make a person critical, intolerant, and negative.  Constant overeating is a great evil that strengthens the lower nature and dulls the conscience.

Sexual abuses destroy a love for holy things and weaken vitality.  Marriage gives no license to sexual excesses.  Degrading, twisted, or intemperate sex acts destroy love and respect for one another.  A temperate sex life is recommended by the Bible (1Cor.7:3-7).  Social contact with others are absolutely essential.  True happiness cannot be found in isolation.  We must learn to laugh and enjoy wholesome, good times.  To be overly serious is dangerous.  Overdoing or undergoing in anything weakens the mind, body, conscience, and the ability to love and respect one another.  Don’t let intemperance wreck your marriage.

Thirteen Keys:  Respect each other’s personal rights and privacies.

“Love is forbearing…Love knows no jealousy…She is not unmannerly, nor selfish… She does not rejoice in injustice…She is full of trust.” 1Cor.13:4-7.  “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love and respect one another.” Rom.12:10.

Each spouse has a God-given right to certain personal privacies without explanation.  The right to privacy and quietude when preoccupied should be respected.  Your husband and wife even has a right to be wrong part of the time .  Marriage partners do not own each other and should never try to force personality changes.  Only God can make such changes, and we shall all answer personally to Him on this matter (Rom.4:12). Perfect confidence and trust in one another–no checking up on each other–is absolutely essential for happiness.  Spend less time trying to “figure out” your spouse and more time trying to please her or him.  This works wonders.