LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

SATURDAY QUESTION & ANSWER

Question #1  I know I am called to be a pastor’s wife.  What is the most important thing to learn now while I am single in order to be what my husband needs as a partner?

Answer #1  Great question!  Before I get into the heart of your question, I would like to make some comments that are of great value.  First, marry a man that you can respect.  Remember that this man will be the father of your children and grandfather to your grandchildren.  Many girls have made the mistake of marrying someone who is cute and nice to them.  They don’t consider how he gets along with people at church, work, and his family.

First you must believe God about who He says He is, and believe God about who He say you are.

Second, you must respect your husband.  Remember that you are his companion.  So your second job is to take care of him.  Only he knows what he will expect of you as a wife.  Make sure that you get good marital counceling so you learn each others expectations.  If his family is taken care of, then he can serve God with a full mind and heart.

Third, is the church.  What people mainly will want from you is just encouragement.  Most of the questions asked from women are on marriage and children.  Learn as much as you can on those two subjects.

Store up prayers and praises for the future.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

A CARD HE’LL KEEP FOREVER

Prov.25:11  “The right word at the right time is like golden apples in silver jewelry.”  (NIRV)

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs suggests in his book “Love & Respect”, that we send our husbands a RESPECT CARD.

He states that through his research, men seldom keep cards from their wives that say she loves him and has hearts with Xs, and Os.

He said not to sign it, “I Love You”, because your husband knows that you love him.  He says to sign it “With All My Respect.”

He claims that your husband will keep that card FOREVER.

Why?  Because you are now speaking his language, RESPECT, and for him, that is very powerful.

I will go over the six concepts that will let him know how important and vital he is to you.  Ask yourself these questions then use your answers to express your appreciation to him.  Make it personal.

1. CONQUEST – Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.
2. HIERARCHY – Appreciate his desire to protect and provide.
3. AUTHORITY – Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead.
4. INSIGHT – Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.
5. RELATIONSHIP – Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.
6. SEXUALITY – Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.

Prov.12:4  “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown”  (NIV)

I remember helping a female relative through some tough times in her life.  It didn’t cost me a thing, I just encouraged her, called her on occasion, and let her know I was available for her and her family.  Years later, I saw her at a family function where she told me she had always wanted to send me a letter of thanks.  Obviously, I told her that was not necessary.  Years after that she sent me a letter.  She was very specific in how she felt.  I remember the words stating that I was like a sister to her at her time of need and that she will never forget it.  I don’t have a sister, so that letter meant quite a bit to me.  I have kept the card and letter.

You may have already decided that you are not going to participate in this assignment.

Maybe you feel, well I’m not going to do something that isn’t coming from my heart just cause everyone else will do it.

Sad to say, but your husband probably already realizes that you try harder to impress strangers than you try to impress him, the man who is suppose to be the most important person in your life.

Prov.31:11-12 “The heart of her husband doth safely TRUST in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him GOOD and not evil ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.”

Your husband only has YOU!!!  HE ONLY HAS HIS WIFE.

No one else has the privilege to send him a RESPECT CARD, only you.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post!!

STONEWALLING

What does it represent?

Everyone knows what a “stonewall” is.  It is a wall or fence made of any type of stone.

The word stonewalling has a different definition but BOY ARE THEY RELATED.

The definition of “stonewalling” is:  Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.

We call it the “silent treatment” and it is mainly used by husbands.

BUT  WHY?!?

I will continue today using comments out of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book on “Love and Respect”.   It is a must read for married couples.

We have discussed how when a wife criticizes her husband, she thinks she is helping him.

Prov.12:18 “…thoughtless words cut like a sword.”

 The husband usually interprets it as HUMILIATION.

He says to himself, “I don’t deserve this kind of talk.”

When a husband “stonewalls” his wife, it is a WARNING SIGNAL.

Unfortunately, “stonewalling” aggravates her and causes her to criticize even more because she feels her assistance is being refused.

Even though she criticizes out of LOVE, he only hears DISRESPECT.

In Professor John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict.  A man’s blood pressure and heart rate rises much higher and stays elevated much longer than his wife’s.  Nothing escalates on a woman and she thinks that the conversation is increasing love between them.  The husband on the other hand sees an argument coming on and he feels he will lose respect.  At this point the husband will become quiet or walk away by himself.

If she asks him why he has walked away, he will tell her that he is trying not to react.

He is trying to do the HONORABLE and RESPECTABLE thing.

A wife gets so hurt by this action because she receives it as rejection and unloving.

STAY WITH ME LADIES!  If your husband is a pathological “stonewaller” then it could  mean that you at times have been a pathological criticizer and complainer.  Ouch!!

OUCH!!  OUCH!!   Okay, we got through that!   NOW WHAT?!?

The more the wife complains, the more the husband withdraws.  The more the husband withdraws, the more the wife complains.  WE ARE BACK ON THE CRAZY CYCLE.

Prov. 12:4 A wife “who brings shame“ on her husband “is like sickness to his bones” NIRV.

Have you been his mommy, his teacher, or his holy spirit?

Emerson says the next action from the husband is called the coup de grace.

Look it up girls and beware.  This is when he gets up and walks out as a bitter, hostile unloving human being and leaves his wife.

Then the divorce which is a funeral that never ends, BEGINS.

The coup de grace is the “death blow.”

Coup de grace means the blow that kills.

STOP CRITICIZING!!!  Stonewalling is the warning signal.

GET OFF MY AIR HOSE!!

I CAN’T BREATHE!!

It came out in the news a story about a married couple who went scuba diving.  The wife died because something happened to her air hose.  Someone else who was scuba diving with them and was in the area, took a picture of them.  The picture shows the husband swimming away as he is starring at her drowning.  He actually taught scuba diving and would show the proper procedure to share air tanks if  someone has a malfunction.  There was a trial for murder going on due to the fact that he could have saved her and did not.

I remember when I heard this story that I was so mad at her husband for not helping her.  They were investigating to see if he did something to her hose to kill her.

This may sound like a terrible story, but how many of us are doing the same thing to our spouse.

Today we will once again use comments that were taken from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book “Love and Respect”.  (I recommend this as a must read for all married couples.)

We will be going over the New Testament marriage treatise of love and respect that is stated in  Eph.5:33 “…husband…love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.”

In Corinthian it states that husbands and wives should care for their spouse.

1Cor.7:33-34 “…husband… be concerned…how he should please his wife…and the wife…be concerned about…how she may please her husband.”

CASE AND POINT:  Scientific researcher Dr. John Gottman’s findings confirm what  Scripture has said for two thousand years.  He is a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington.  The professor led a research team for twenty years, studying two thousand couples who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner.  These couples were from diverse backgrounds but the one thing that was similar was the tone of their conversations.  Gottman said that as these couples talked with each other, almost always, there was a “strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: LOVE and RESPECT.

In Ephesians the Apostle Paul must be speaking straight from Gods heart.

He is saying that the husband MUST LOVE (agape) his wife unconditionally. And the wife MUST RESPECT her husband unconditionally.

God is not commanding the wife to love (agape) her husband in this verse because he has designed that already in her nature.

But in Titus 2:4 older women are instructed to encourage younger women to love their husbands.

In Titus 2:4 this love is not “agape”.  He uses the Greek word “phileo” which is the human, brotherly kind of love.

A young wife, will never stop unconditionally loving (agape) her husband and children.

She may start to lack love (phileo) and become very discouraged through the wear and tear of daily life.

Are your motives filled with AGAPE, but your methods lack PHILEO?

When your husband acts in ways that are unloving to you, do you react in ways that feel disrespectful to him.

When you feel that your husband is not loving you, even if he is not aware of it, you feel like you can’t breathe.

The same is true of you.  When you disrespect your husband, you are standing on his air hose and he can’t breathe!

As his air hose starts to leak, because of all the little cuts you have thrown his way, he is definitely going to REACT.

HE IS SUFFOCATING!!!

Well, now you are back on the CRAZY CYCLE.

Men will emphasize to their wives, that when they hear negative criticism they interpret it as disrespect.

When your husband can’t take it any longer, he will walk out and that is his way of saying, “I don’t love you anymore.”

Men have an HONOR CODE.  Your husband doesn’t want to fight verbally or physically.

Both you and your husband may have basic goodwill, and you may just feel that you are trying to help him.

YOU ARE ON YOUR HUSBANDS AIR HOSE!!

Sad that our husbands have to go to total strangers to get the respect that they deserve.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT TODAY!!

Respecting your husband is your job, not a stranger at his work.

NOTE:  Don’ t miss tomorrows post.  It is a continuation of this.

THE  CRAZY  CYCLE!

Do you want some PEACE?  Do you want to be UNDERSTOOD?

Take a few moments to read this post today

This will change your marriage and your life!!

I have to first tell you what I believe to be one of the best, if not the BEST  BOOK ON MARRIAGE.  “Love & Respect”  by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

This is a must for every marriage.  I recommend for each spouse to have their own copy and to write in it what God is showing you.

I will try and share some of the comments that are in his book with you.

CASE AND POINT:  This book changed my marriage and gave me the confidence that I could be the wife that I wanted to be and that God wanted me to be.  It is still my decision to apply the principles and Gods word to my marriage.  What I loved best, was the knowledge that I could turn my marriage around just by doing my part.  I don’t need a perfect husband, I just need to be obedient to Gods word!

THIS WORKS SO “LISTEN UP”!!

There is one scripture that will change everything, Ephesians 5:33.

Eph.5:33 “…let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband.”

This is God’s MARRIAGE TREATISE and you need to mark it in your bible.

Every month I speak at the Los Angeles County Women’s Jail in Lynwood.  Any woman getting arrested in L.A. County goes to this jail.  Every month I tell the women this verse and tell them how they can turn their marriage around just on their own by respecting their husband.  I also have purchased this book and the chaplain gives them to any wife that asks for it.

For every 100 inmates, there are 200 children that will end up in a divorced home.  The statistics show that 50% of inmates have spouses that divorce them while in jail.  The other 50% who don’t end up divorced, a year after they get released, 75% of them end up in divorce.  So these children are first struggling with a parent being in jail, then they have to cope with living with just one parent or no parents.  After that, then coping with a divorce.  Just one of those issues is traumatic, but they are expected to deal with all three.

This is why I go to the jail, and this is the burden that God has laid on my heart.  PLEASE PRAY FOR THESE KIDS!!!

The journey to a satisfying marriage is NEVER OVER, so submit yourself wholeheartedly to Gods design for marriage.

There is no limit to the extent that you can IMPROVE your marriage.

Remember your husband was made to be respected and he expects to be respected.

When respect does not occur, he reacts WITHOUT  LOVE.

This is the CRAZY CYCLE.

Paul is saying in Ephesians 5:33 that wives need love and husbands need respect.

A wife is called to love even an unloving husband but it makes it especially hard to respect him.

The “Crazy Cycle” is described in Eccles.7:25 “…the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness.”

Be careful wives, because expressing dislike to your husband concerning something, can be interpreted as DISRESPECT.

God made us to be a link and he gifted us and entrusted us to do a good job.

YOU GO GIRL!!    We can do all things through Christ!!

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

Today we are going to learn to fight like a girl, wives.

When I first accepted Christ, there was a verse that drove me nuts!!!

I really wanted to rip it out of my bible.

It was Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

I drew the conclusion that it meant I was not to have an OPINION or a PERSONALITY.

It seemed like everywhere I went, somebody was teaching on “submission.”

BOY WAS I WRONG!! THAT IS NOT WHAT IT MEANS AT ALL!!

The apostle Paul was continuing his thought from Eph.5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”

In this scripture Paul was letting everyone know that they must submit to each other in order to accomplish something for the kingdom of God.

In Ephesians 6, Paul had spoke about CHILDREN submitting to their parents.

Paul was trying to show the great importance of the Christian marriage and he expressed the importance of a wife to submit to her husband.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

It means that you recognize there is an order of authority in the family.

It shows that you recognize that there is an order of authority in the Christian family and as a wife, you are a part of an ordained TEAM.

You are NOT more important than the working team.

When you submit to God, it means that you recognize that authority.
When you submit to the police, it means that you recognize that authority.
When you submit to your employer, it means that you recognize that authority.

Submission does not means INFERIORITY or SILENCE!!

Submission means sub-mission!!

In other words girls, it means that you are on a MISSION!

WE ARE HERE TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!

Our “mission” is to OBEY and GLORIFY our LORD.

That “mission” is more important than your individual desires.

You are not putting yourself under your husband. You are submitting yourself under the commission of God for your family

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What do the words mean, ”…as unto the LORD”

1. Your submission to your husband is part of your Christian walk.
2. This is a different way of life for you, that sets you apart.
3. This has nothing to do with your husbands intelligence, giftedness or capabilities.
4. This has nothing to do with whether your husband is right on a particular issue. It has to do with Jesus being right.

If you are not married, you better find a guy you can respect. RESPECT!

You might say, “Why should I obey him if I think he is wrong?

SUBMISSION IS TESTED IN DISAGREEMENT!!

How would you know that you are submissive if nothing ever happens in your marriage that you DISAGREE with?

Fight like a girl, fight for your mission!

SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION!
SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION!
SUB-MISSION IS A MISSION! FIGHT FOR YOUR MISSION!

NOTE: Don’t miss tomorrows post. Daily there is a new post.

SIX  MAJOR  VALUES  YOUR  HUSBAND  HOLDS

This post was taken directly out of  a book called “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

I personally think that every married person should have a copy of this book.  It has so many good marriage principles in it.  It has helped me enrich my marriage.

This acronym is from page 184.

C-H-A-I-R-S is an acronym that stands for six major values that your husband holds:

Conquest, you will learn to appreciate his desire to work and achieve.

Hierarchy deals with appreciating his desire to protect and provide.

Authority covers appreciating his desire to  serve and to lead.

Insight touches on appreciating his desire to analyze and counsel.

Relationship helps you understand his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

Sexuality explains his desire for sexual intimacy.

NOTE:   Don’t miss tomorrows post.  Daily there is a new post.

SATURDAY  QUESTIONS & ANSWERS 

Question #1  What is the best way to deal with a spouse that is unemployed?  He  feels depressed about it, and I am the only financial provider in the home.

Answer #1   First of all I want to commend you  on supporting your family during this time of need.  I am sure the devil has thrown every curve ball at you that he has.  He hates marriages and he hates wives that help support their husbands financially.

Your husbands depression is temporary.   Don’t let the devil convince you that God is not in control.  The economy has hit both Christians and non-Christians.  We will survive because we are God’s children.

Let’s take a good look at PSALMS 40:1-3  “…I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.  He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.  And he hath put a new song in my mouth…”

These verses are blessingss and rewards for waiting on God.

1.  He turned toward me  (v.1)     God sees you.

2.  He did hear me  (v.1)      God hears you.

3.  He brought me up out of the pit  (v.2)     He is working on your deliverance now.

4.  Out of the miry clay  (2)     What had you stuck, will be removed.

5.  He set my feet upon a rock  (v.2)     He will bring stability.

6.  He established my ways  (v.2)      He will teach you His will.

7.  He put a new song in my mouth.  (v.3)  He will give you a new path.

In Beth Moore’s book, “Get Out of that Pit”  she says there are three things you can do with your mouth:

Cry out to God for help.

Confess not just sin but what is in your heart.

Consent to the process of waiting on God.

Remember, Yahweh Yireh, THE LORD OUR PROVIDER,  is with you!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrows post.  Daily there is a new post.

IT’S BOXING TIME!!! Hurray!!

NO, we are not talking about fights in an arena. No…no.

NOR, are we talking about boxed presents. No!

NO. This is about something that our husbands love to do regularly.

I just learned about this recently and it really helped me to know about it.

In our husbands brain, there is a part, which is for “nothing”

There are absolutely no thoughts about anything in this part of a mans brain.

Does this seem STRANGE? Well, it seems strange to us GIRLS?!?

It definitely DOES NOT seem strange to God!!

Psa.139:13-14 “…thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and  wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works…”.

In Mark Gungors dvd called “Laugh your way to a Better Marriage”, he calls this area a “nothing box”.

This is a place where men can go and just EXIST.

This place is his favorite place to be.

I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH!!!

In Mark Gungors book, he talks about neurophysiologist Professor Ruben Gur of the University of Pennsylvania. The Professor showed that 70 percent of the electrical activity of men’s brains shut down when they were in a resting state.

SEVENTY PERCENT!!

Women’s brains maintain a full 90 percent of their electrical activity.

OKAY LADIES! HOLD THE CHEERING!!

This doesn’t mean that WOMEN are smarter than their husband.

Women are MULTI-TASKERS and they concentrate on several things at the same time.

Your husband, who thinks very intently, has a keen single-minded focus.

Your husband has the ability to focus on one task and EXCEL at it.

This is why we see men in the women’s industries and they are the best in the world. (Chefs, hair designers, clothing designers, etc.)

Men are champions at what they do because they have laser-like PRECISION.

This is because they have the ability to block everything out including their WIVES! Ha!Ha!

That is the part us wives have DIFFICULTY with!!

Wives think ,”This guy is thinking about something and he doesn’t want me to know!” “WHY?!?!?” “I TELL HIM EVERYTHING!!”

HE’S HOLDING OUT ON ME!!

We become mad and the poor guy doesn’t even know what he has done wrong.

He is trying to REST HIS MIND!

Wives, if this is the place that your husband desires to be, then you need to leave him alone!!

GO SHOPPING !!!

NOTE: Don’t miss tomorrows post. There is a new post daily.

WIN!!   WIN!!

There are seven things that God hates and arguments are one of them.

Prov.6:16-19  “These things the LORD hates…he that sows discord among brethren.”

All married couples say that it is necessary to argue some of the time.

What does God say?  No!!  Phil.2:14 “Do all things without murmurings and DISPUTING:”

In the Greek, the word “disputing” means DEBATE, DISCUSSION, REASONING, or THOUGHT.

In Phillipians we are told not to complain, debate, or try to reason if it is going to cause arguments with our spouse

Results never turn out good when we argue.  Job.6:25 “How forcible are right words!  What does your ARGUING PROVE?”

If our spouse makes us angry, how should we answer them?   Prov.15:1  “A soft answer turns away wrath: but GRIEVOUS words stirs up anger.”

The word grievous in the Hebrew means PAINFUL.

When we get mad, we start saying all kinds of painful things to our spouse.  We don’t mean to, but we start saying whatever the devil tells us to.

What starts arguments?????????????

Mark 7:21 Jesus said: “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murder, thefts, covetousness,  wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy (cursing), pride, foolishness:  All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.”

Arguing starts in our hearts.

There is power in agreement!

CASE AND POINT:  I remember about a year ago hearing an interview with Joel and Victoria Osteen.  Victoria said how Joel had bought the kids a BB gun.  One day he went out to their back yard to shoot the gun off with the kids.  She got mad and told him that one of the kids will get hurt.  He told her no they won’t and that everything will be fine.  As he shut the back door, she stood there in her anger.  She said that at that very moment, God spoke to her.  He said that she spoke negative remarks and opened doors for the devil to do what she said.  Instead, God told her that she should have been in agreement with her husband and believe blessings over her children and husband.

We are commanded to quit arguing and to LOVE ONE ANOTHER in Galatians!

Gal.5:14-15 “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this;  Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.  But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.”

What in the world are we doing biting and devouring each other?

What are you doing biting and devouring YOUR SPOUSE!!

The word “consume” means to DESTROY COMPLETELY.

If you destroy completely, there is nothing left.

If there is nothing left, it ends in DIVORCE.

A divorce is a FUNERAL that NEVER ENDS!

You need to have a win-win ATTITUDE!

That means you have to care about your spouse and want them to succeed and also want to succeed yourself.

Wanting your spouse to succeed leaves you with a GOOD FEELING about yourself.

You are not the pit bull next door.    You are his GIRLFRIEND!!

WIN!!   WIN!!!

 NOTE: Don’t miss tomorrow!  There is a new post daily.