LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

LEARN TO LISTEN

Every cell phone user has experienced it at some point, and one company has built an entire advertising campaign around it:  While you are speaking to a spouse, a business contact, or a friend, the connection breaks—only you don’t know it immediately.  You continue to talk until you sense something is wrong and finally ask, “Are you still there?”

Dead silence or a static screech provide the answer—yes, indeed, the person on the other end is gone.  And then you wonder, Just how much of what I said wasn’t heard?

How often does this type of thing happen in your marriage?  One of you is talking, but no one is on the other end of the conversation.  Listening is not as easy as talking for most of us!  When Job told his friends, “Listen carefully to my speech, and to my declaration with your ears.”  he said it out of deep frustration (Job 13:17).  Remember that attentive listening encourages and blesses the speaker.

So the Bible urges us, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19).  If you want the tension level in your marriage to decrease, then learn to become a better listener.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1:  How do husbands and wives differ regarding the sexual relationship.

Answer #1:  Sex is a beautiful God-given desire, that in many ways measures the depth of a marital relationship .  It often indicates the level of commitment and intimacy in other areas of the marriage.

For sex to be truly satisfying to both partners, each has to risk being totally open and vulnerable to each other.  Each person in the marriage should feel needed, wanted, accepted, and loved sacrificially.  One key to building this type of relationship is understanding the general differences between men and women in how they view sex.

Most men tend to focus on the physical aspect  of the  relationship.  They are stimulated, drawn, and captivated by the sight of their wives.  Sight, smell and the body stimulate a man.  A man needs respect, admiration, and to be needed physically.  Generally, men put a much higher priority on sex than woman do.

Women have a different orientation that demands a different approach.  Most women are more oriented to the relationship.  The woman desires emotional oneness.  Touch, attitudes, actions, words and the whole person stimulates the woman.  The woman needs understanding, love, to be needed emotionally, and time to warm up to the sexual act.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MAKE YOUR CHILDREN APPRECIATE DAD

I know that Father’s Day is over with and this blog may seem like it is too late, but it isn’t.  

Example:  As wives, we need to teach our children to be appreciative to their Dads.

Of course they are, but do they EXPRESS it.

There are an array of occasions that our children can send their dads a card like his birthday, Christmas and etc.

In God’s word we are told to honor our fathers and mothers.

Ex.20:12 “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”

This scripture implies that we more or less determine the length of our life according to our behavior.

This is exactly why it is important for us as wives to TEACH our children to honor their father.

I heard a sermon once that was really interesting on Ex.20:12.  The speaker said that you do not have to honor your father if he is a murderer, child molester, sexual pervert, abandons his children, is a batterer or into demonic satanic activity.  I am sure there are an array of other reasons but that needs to be addressed to God on an individual basis.

The following comments are from an article called Ten Ways to Say “Thank you, Dad”, by Melinda L. Wentzel (melindawentzel.com)

She states that fathers are often unappreciated, largely misunderstood—an entire populace of men rarely acknowledged for the many and varied ways in which they contribute as parents.

Here is a list of items you might mention SPECIFICALLY the next time you talk or send a card to your dad.

Thanks for encouraging me to forge my own path instead of assuming that the paths of others would necessarily be right for me…for letting me climb to the tops of trees and to skateboard with wild abandon…for ferrying me to the ER when necessary.

Thanks for teaching me how to throw a fastball, wield a mean golf club and sink a jump shot on command…for being my biggest advocate (even still) and for believing in me even before I believed in myself.

Thanks for being oh-so-generous with your time…for listening intently to my wishes and worries…for considering me a worthy companion as we jogged over the back roads of town, watched doubleheaders into the wee hours and sat in scratchy lawn chairs together, completely mesmerized by the thunderstorms that rolled across the skies in the midst of July’s unbearable heat, summer after endless summer.

Thanks for introducing me to the concept of balancing a checkbook, as well as finding balance in my life…for teaching me to accept failure when it comes to call and to learn from my missteps…to appreciate having grandparents, a roof overhead and acres of woods all around.

Thanks for tolerating my teen years (Oy!), for trusting me with your beloved cars even though the voices inside your head must have screamed, “Noooo!” and for resisting the overwhelming desire to share with my High School Yearbook Committee that hideous photo of me with the mumps.  For that alone, I love you dearly.

Thanks for navigating so many road trips—to distant airports, to a good number of college campuses I considered calling home, to my very first job interview in the city.  Never mind that we got horribly lost in the process; but getting a glimpse of the White House at rush hour surely was grand.

Thanks for inspiring me to be a responsible individual, to work hard and to strive to do good in this world…for illustrating the power of forgiveness, the refuge of one’s church and the necessary nature of grieving our losses…for reminding me that things usually work out in the end—even when they look entirely hopeless at the start.

Thanks for underscoring the importance of finding time for one’s children, time for one’s marriage and time for oneself…for helping me recognize the inherent value of ice cream sundaes, the versatility of duct tape and the irreplaceable nature of a good friend.

Thanks for loving your grandchildren with as much ferocity as you loved me, for implanting within me the seeds of faith and for showing me the beauty of marrying one’s best friend.

By Melinda L. Wentzel

NOTE:  I hope you enjoyed this article as much as I did.  My father left when I was thirteen.  He never returned to live with us again.  My dads  visits were sporadic, with intervals of years between them.  A few years before he died we were reconciled with him.  I don’t have all of these precious memories that Melinda has.

What I do have truly blesses my life.  I have invested my life into my marriage so my children don’t have to be another statistic of a child living with a divorced parent.  My children can have the memories that Melinda has, and they do!  Praise God!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrows post.  Everyday there is a new post.

DEVIL HATES HUMILITY IN MARRIAGE

Satan loves to infect marriages with his virus.

The enemy infiltrates our marriages with DISUNITY which probably causes more souls to sin than anything else.

Jas.4:11-12 NIV “Brothers, do not slander one another.  Anyone who speaks against his brother, or judges him, speaks against the law and judges it.  When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Law-giver and Judge, one who is able to save and destroy.  But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

Do you criticize and have unfavorable judgment against your spouse?

Do you CONDEMN your spouse because of his conduct?

Do you judge his character and motives that you feel are wrong?

You are on dangerous ground when you start judging another persons WORTH.

The love that unites your marriage is one of the most important things than anything else.

1Cor.13:13 (New Scofield) “Now abideth faith (that works miracles), hope (that makes us happy), love (that unites the Body), these three; but the greatest of these is love”.

Satan loves for you to be judgmental against your spouse because you cannot be judgmental without exalting yourself.

Lucifer’s syndrome is SELF-ELEVATION.

Listen to me wives, this is exactly what brought Lucifer down!  DOWN!!

Lucifer could not see God being number one; Lucifer had to be number one.

Does it BUG you when your spouse puts himself first?

Do you start thinking, “Who does he think he is?  Does he think he is better than me?”

Let me spin it for you.  Do you think you are better than him?

Do you think that he should put you first and him second?

When he puts himself first, does it get your back up?

Hold that tiger, girl!!  Grrrrrrrrr!

Satan fell because of his determination to be first, and his self-exaltation.

You can sit there and act like it is no big deal, but swallow this, it caused the first BROKEN fellowship in heaven.

Don’t think you can out smart satan at his own game.

If you start judging your husband, it is the start of RIPPING your marriage to shreds.

Humble yourself and be last instead of first, with a great attitude.

Put a smile on your face cause you just made the devil mad.

The evil one HATES humility!!!

He wants to see the “Me first” attitude from you.

When you have lowliness of mind and love that covers all sins, it will heal and unite your marriage.

Let go of the pride and self glory!   Go for the GOLD!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DREAMS COME TRUE FOR ME

 Today is our 49th  anniversary.   Yesssss!!!  We met when I was 15 and he was 16 years old.  A few months after I turned 16 we started dating.  It seems like yesterday.  Where did the almost 53′ years go?

My older brother (10 months older than me) was in a band with Richard.  When I met my husband and the more I got to know him, I thought he was the nicest guy I had ever met.  I remember telling my brother that if I ever had a boyfriend like Richard, I would do everything to make it work.  He was very polite and courteous.  We were friends for about 3 months and went places with my brother and other friends.

Then one day he let me know that he liked me.  I was a little upset because it took him so long to let me know.  He told me that my brother told him I didn’t like guys to flirt with me.  Which was true.  He then told him not to ask me out or I would probably quit talking to him.  I told my brother that I was talking about his other friends but not Richard.   This was in 1965.

We were married four years later.  It was the greatest day of my life.  My father, who had abandon my mother and I along with my five brothers, never showed up to the wedding.  I waited in the back of the church for him to walk me down the aisle and when I realized he wasn’t coming, I asked my little brother to walk me down.  I didn’t care because I knew I was marrying the greatest man I had ever met and he loved me.  It was in 1969 that I married my best friend and this man I would spend the rest of my life with.

  Life has not been problem free, but we have been committed to each other every day of our married life.

I give God all the honor and glory because He has been the lover of our soul.  Without Him we are nothing and can do nothing.

Yes, dreams do come true with the leading of the Holy Spirit.  IT HAPPENED TO ME!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help our marriage succeed.

INGREDIENTS FOR AN EPIC MARRIAGE

We all need to know the beneficial ingredients for compromise because we all face disagreements in marriage.

First, your relationship with your spouse needs to be your primary concern.

Marriage is for life, and this is something that you are doing together, not against each other.

God put you together to help you accomplish things through life with each other.

Self-sacrifice aides in marital compromise.

According to Eva Marie Everson in her article for “MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP”, she writes, “Seeking to know your spouse’s preferences, and being willing to change in accord with those preferences, directs a marriage toward mutual compromise and greater intimacy.”

Phil.2:3-5 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory;  but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:”

This verse tells us to think of others, like our spouse, as more important than ourselves and to give up our own rights for the sake of peace.

These principles are so vital to the marriage relationship.

In an article by “Christianity Today” they presented four teaching points from this verse.

1. With humility of mind, regard your spouse as more important than yourself.
2. Seek to know the desires of your spouse and be willing to give up your own rights for the sake of peace.
3. Humbly communicate your desires to your spouse and be willing to change.
4. Compromise by giving preference to one another in honor.

In Stephen R. Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families”,  there is a chapter called WIN-WIN.

In the book it suggests that we should try to make it WIN-WIN-WIN.  That means that you win, your spouse wins, and then your family wins.

In life it means to seek first the interest of the other, to understand the other person’s needs, wants, and concerns.

Are you constantly having ego battles with your spouse?

Are you more concerned about who is right rather than what is right?

If you both don’t win, then the whole family loses.

Win-win is the only pattern of thinking and interacting that builds a relationship of trust and unconditional love.

Marriage and family are all about “We” not “Me”.

A good marriage and a good family require service and sacrifice.

An independent mind-set will not work in an interdependent relationship.

In her book Lucky in Love: The Secrets of Happy Couples and How Their Marriages Thrive, Catherine Johnson shares her research regarding factors that make marriages happy and long-lasting.

1. Both partners stop being single at heart and become married at heart.  As they become one, they see each other as his or her best friend.
2. They care more about the health of the relationship than they do about winning arguments.  They are self-aware and can hear and evaluate themselves from their partner’s perspective.

Can you see each other as constantly changing and growing and acting in good faith?

If you can keep the end in mind, you’ll have the motivation it takes to always go for win-win.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ESSENTIAL QUALITY FOR A SUPER MARRIAGE

The word “humility” means a modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance or rank.

Humility is the most essential quality of the Christian as it allows you to respond as you are being led by Christ.

Rom.12:3 “…do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

This is telling us to live our lives, in our marriage, pleasing to God and not to desire the high praises of men.

Compromise is what marriage is all about so be careful with issues related to being opinionated.

Do you find yourself having to do things your way and not listening to your spouse?

If you want to be esteemed in God’s eyes, in Isaiah there are three things God revealed that are first necessary.

 “This is the one I esteem:

He who is humble and

Contrite in spirit, and

Trembles at my word.” Isa.66:2

When we humbly accept the love of God, our pride is challenged.

Humility will give you a deeper realization of your unworthiness.

Do you accept your God-given role of being subordinate to your husband?  Keep in mind that God blesses us for submitting to this God-given role.

How do you respond when your spouse rebukes you?  With anger?

You need to carefully consider the areas that have your spouse upset.

How do you act when your spouse disagrees with your opinion?  Do you slander your spouse?

Do you try to understand the view point of others while realizing that God made everyone to think differently.

Phil.2:3-4 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.  Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

 You need to have a humbling view about yourself, because you know your own secret faults and you know the true you.

Don’t selfishly give yourself glory thinking that you are wiser, more talented or more gifted than your spouse.

You need to rejoice in the blessings of your spouse.

God often allows us to go through humiliating circumstances in our life.

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.” 2Cor.12:7

Paul could not avoid or remove his fleshly thorns because they were necessary for his spiritual well-being to develop and maintain humility.

Let’s take time to look at what our source of humiliation is?

It is healthy for us to have sources of humiliation.

Humiliating the proud is part of Jesus’ ministry.

They tried to kill Jesus because he humiliated them.

They needed to be humiliated if they were ever to be saved.

What is your source of humiliation?  Spouse?  Children?  Siblings?  In-laws?  Work?  Co-workers?  Friends?  Finances?  Marital Status?

The “Great Physician” may be trying to save your marriage by giving you medicine of humiliation.

Take your medicine!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

TAKE TIME TO LAUGH

Bildad the Shuhite didn’t get many things right in his conversation with Job, but he did make at least one accurate statement.  He told Job that God “will yet fill your mouth with laughing, and your lips with rejoicing” (Job 8:21).  Laughing is crucial for building a close relationship, and that’s as true in marriage as it is anywhere.  Consider a few ideas on how to bring a smile on your mate:

*  Become a student of what pleases your mate.  What brings a smile to the face?  What tickles the funny bone?  Keep a list filled with ideas on what makes your partner happy.

*  What made your spouse laugh in the first place?  You don’t always need new material!  This “audience of one” will appreciate the old gags, expressions, and words that first sparked laughter in your relationship.

*  Do something absolutely unplanned and positively spontaneous.  Marriage has robbed many a relationship of its fun.  We forget what it’s like to drop everything and do something for the sheer fun of it.

*  Relive the times you have enjoyed the most pleasure and fun together.  Some of the great laughs came about spontaneously because you were together doing fun stuff.

*  Learn the art of not taking each other or life too seriously.  Life has a way of becoming heavy and weighing you down.  If you’re not careful, you will lose the sheer joy of being together.

*  Spend focused, regularly scheduled time together.  Barbara and I have a Sunday night date.  Often we do the same things we did while dating.  Because we are together, away from the usual distractions and pressures, there’s a good chance we will have some fun.

*  Read your spouse a funny story.  Call from work to share a humorous situation.  Don’t be guilty of always dumping heavy emotional loads on your spouse!  Liberally sprinkle the dust of comic relief.

*  Do something frivolous with your spouse.  When was the last time you did something very silly with your wife or husband—something that couldn’t help but provoke laughter?  You took those risks when you dated.  Why not try them again?

Laughter is a gift that helps keep life in balance and put some frosting on the joy God has promised us even in the middle of difficult times.  Ecclesiastes says there is an appointed time for everything—and that includes a time to laugh (Ec. 3:4).

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

CLOSETING YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT

We know all too well the mindset that prompted Job to cry out, “May the day perish on which I was born, and the night in which it was said, ‘A male child is conceived'” (Job 3:3)

Both Barbara and I have on occasion closeted our discouragement.  Instead of working out the dark emotions, we try to tuck it all away, like a box full of Christmas ornaments in an obscure closet.  The problem is that unresolved discouragement and disillusionment can easily replace faith and expectancy.  We’ve found that it’s much healthier, spiritually speaking, if we open the closet door, bring them out and discuss our disappointment.  With God first, but also with another.

Do you closet your own disappointment with God?  Do you ever become dishonest with God and put on an external spiritual veneer that says, “All is well”?

Unprocessed discouragement results in mistrust—and at this critical point the enemy of our souls has us exactly where he wants us.  Paralyzed in unbelief from the neck down, our eyes see and our minds know what we ought to believe, but the faith of our hearts lies frozen.  And a subtle mistrust of God sets in.

Dealing with “Why did God allow that?” is never easy.  But in a relationship where expectations have gone unmet and discouragement has taken up residence, it is essential that the problem be processed.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NOTE:  This article is  from the Book “Family Life and Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

BATTERED BY OUTSIDE CIRCUMSTANCES

 The meaning of “confrontation” is the hostile disagreement face-to-face resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.

2Cor.7:5-6 NKJV “Our bodies had no rest, but we were troubled on every side.  Outside were conflicts, inside were fears.  Nevertheless God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus.”

Sometimes  we feel so battered by outside circumstances that we have no control over.

Many of us feel so beaten down by life itself at different intervals.

This happens in marriage many times when we feel like we can’t seem to communicate with understanding to our spouse.

It is so easy to fall into depression when we feel that there is no way out.

If we fall into the self-preservation mode, we have now cut ourselves off from the people who can help us.

Let’s look at some of the pitfall of confrontation so that we do not make the mistakes other marriages have made.

Statistics show that 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of the 15 minute interaction.

If you begin a conversation with harsh speech, you are doomed for failure.

The following negative interaction principles are taken from John M. Gottman and Nan Silvers article on “How I predict divorce.”

Negative interactions are lethal to a marriage relationship.

Here is a list of four negative interactions:

1. Criticism

A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed.

A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.

2.     Contempt

Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.

This is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.

3.     Defensiveness

When conversations become so negative, critical and attacking, you will end up defending yourself.

4.     Stonewalling

In marriages where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out.  This behavior is far more common among men.

Any of the above actions, will cause confrontation.

Job 30:27 “My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.”

 In this verse we see how Job is so upset that he is boiling on the inside and can find no rest.

This is exactly what happens to you and I when we enter a conversation harshly.

Here are three goals that we must use before we start a conversation that is very controversial.

First, use HUMILITY.  1Pet.5:5 “…God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”   This is a must in a controversial conversation.

 Second, COMPROMISE.

Don’t go into the conversation with the attitude that you will get everything your way.  Make it a WIN-WIN situation.  That is where you will be able to have some things your way but be flexible enough to allow his concerns to be taken care of also.

Third, use DIALOGUE.  Jas.1:19 “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

Your spouse talks, while you listen.

The secret to good communication is listening.

It is a tool.

Listening and talking at the same time guarantees that you are going to miss important facts and details.

Win the “first place” position for listening.

** To make sure you have listened to his point, ask, “Is this what you are trying to tell me?”

To be a good “helpmate” you need to know his opinion and position.

Communication is a prerequisite to success.

God has good plans for your marriage.

He knows what you need and he lovingly provides it for you.

Do not withdraw from God in the middle of distress and confrontation.

His helping hands want to help you in the time of need.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.