LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

GREAT MARRIAGES TAKE COURAGE

Marriage takes courage because it is something worth fighting for.

We need to put on our boxing gloves DAILY and fight for our marriage.

CASE AND POINT:  Oscar DeLaHoya was a champion boxer that the whole Hispanic community was proud of.  He invested a lot of money for children in the Barrio communities.  All his games were sold out with the Hispanic community dominating the seats.  Any Hispanic that you would talk to and mention Oscar’s name, they would respond with acalades.  His last fight was sold out months in advance.  There was excitement in the air.  But something happened that surprised everyone.  In one of the early rounds, Oscar DeLaHoya refused to come out.  He decided that he did not have what it took and that he would not be able to win the fight.  That could be the mistake of his life. The people at the boxing arena were furious.  They felt cheated.  It was in all the papers.  Oscar is no longer their hero.  Why??  Because he quit!!  They felt that he should have fought to the finish.

There is something about fighting to the finish.

It takes GUTS to work through all the emotions.

It takes guts to admit you are wrong and say you are sorry.

It takes COURAGE to give in to your spouse’s desires.

It takes courage to let down your guard and let your spouse see the real you.

It takes courage to change and choose to PLEASE your spouse.

Romans 16:17 “…mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.”

This verse is telling us that if our lives are not disciplined then the church is to stay away from us.

Rom.16:19 “Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I am full of joy over you.”

In our marriages we need to take the road paved with diligence and perseverance.

The road to a successful marriage is rarely SIMPLE because as a spouse you need to be productive and hard-working.

Just as we do everything to be successful in our jobs, so should we do the same to be successful in our marriages.

The devil will tell you, “Why are you doing this?  Your spouse doesn’t appreciate you anyway!”

The beginning of a marriage is always exciting.

The DIFFICULT part is sticking through the rough stuff to the very end.

The real test is when the newness and the excitement is gone and the hard-work and commitment begins.

Stay committed to the VOWS you made to your husband and to God.

Punch it out and move forward with every ounce of your might.

Your spouse is WORTH it.

He loves you!  You are his choice!!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

ABANDON and UNWANTED

Have you ever felt rejected and unwanted.

I know that all of us at some time in our life, have experienced something that made us feel rejected.

CASE AND POINT:  From junior high school, till I graduated from high school, we moved to different schools ten times.  I felt like I was always the new girl and everyone had their cliques.  Rejection was not something I wanted to embrace at that young age, especially since it was right after my father abandon our family.  I wish I could say that I got use to it, but it had the opposite affect on me.  It drove me further into rejecting my own self worth.

I don’t believe that this is God’s perfect will for our lives, but he will take what satan has tried to destroy us with and God will turn it around and use it for His honor and glory!

Do you feel like you can never please people?

Don’t be in an EMOTIONAL prison just because of what the evil one is now throwing in your face.

I can be thankful today because it gives me an OPPORTUNITY to tell others how devastating rejection is and that it can have a lifetime affect on someone’s life.

1Cor.1:28 “And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen…”

The city of Corinth at that time had so much disgust for Christians that the Apostle Paul had to encourage believers with this letter.

The word “despised” in the Greek means contemptible, least esteemed.

These people who were total outcasts in their society, God said that those are the ones He has chosen.

Yes!  God goes around LOOKING for people who are low-class, second rate and despicable to others.

Why?   Why does he pick the lowest of the low??

Do you feel unloved by your spouse?

Do you feel DISRESPECTED by your spouse?

Does your spouse make you feel like the lowest of the low?

Do you have money saved and bags packed for an easy EXIT the next time things get heavy at home?

Well, hold your head up high and don’t let other people affect your self-image and confidence.

The devil will always try to use the people you love the most and the ones that are closest to you, to drag you DOWN.

People you don’t know cannot hurt you; it’s the people that you love that hurt you.

Isa.53:3  says that Jesus was “…despised and rejected of men…”

All the neglect that has taken place in your life has qualified you to be the exact kind of person that Jesus wants to use.

Why?  Because you know how Jesus FELT and He knows what you have been through.

In 1Cor.1:29 it says, “That no flesh should glory in his presence.”

The NIV translation says, “So no one may boast before him.”

If you are rejected by people you love and have given your life to them, God gets all the GLORY.

The more we are treated like second rate citizens, the more precious we are to God.

Don’t RESENT your spouse!

Are you one of God’s chosen few?

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

THANK YOU, DAD

I know that Father’s Day is over with and this blog may seem like it is too late, but it isn’t.

As wives, we need to teach our children to be appreciative to the Dads.

Of course they are, but do they EXPRESS it.

There are an array of occasions that our children can send their dads a card like his birthday, Christmas and etc.

In God’s word we are told to honor our fathers and mothers.

Ex.20:12 “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.”

This scripture implies that we more or less determine the length of our life according to our behavior.

This is exactly why it is important for us as wives to TEACH our children to honor their father.

I heard a sermon once that was really interesting on Ex.20:12.  The speaker said that you do not have to honor your father if he is a murderer, child molester, sexual pervert, abandons his children, is a batterer or into demonic satanic activity.  I am sure there are an array of other reasons but that needs to be addressed to God on an individual basis.

The following information is from an article that I read.  I think it is interesting some of the ideas that are pointed out.

The following comments are from an article called Ten Ways to Say “Thank you, Dad”, by Melinda L. Wentzel (melindawentzel.com)

She states that fathers are often unappreciated, largely misunderstood—an entire populace of men rarely acknowledged for the many and varied ways in which they contribute as parents.

Here is a list of items you might mention SPECIFICALLY the next time you talk or send a card to your dad.

Thanks for encouraging me to forge my own path instead of assuming that the paths of others would necessarily be right for me…for letting me climb to the tops of trees and to skateboard with wild abandon…for ferrying me to the ER when necessary.

Thanks for teaching me how to throw a fastball, wield a mean golf club and sink a jump shot on command…for being my biggest advocate (even still) and for believing in me even before I believed in myself.

Thanks for being oh-so-generous with your time…for listening intently to my wishes and worries…for considering me a worthy companion as we jogged over the back roads of town, watched doubleheaders into the wee hours and sat in scratchy lawn chairs together, completely mesmerized by the thunderstorms that rolled across the skies in the midst of July’s unbearable heat, summer after endless summer.

Thanks for introducing me to the concept of balancing a checkbook, as well as finding balance in my life…for teaching me to accept failure when it comes to call and to learn from my missteps…to appreciate having grandparents, a roof overhead and acres of woods all around.

Thanks for tolerating my teen years (Oy!), for trusting me with your beloved cars even though the voices inside your head must have screamed, “Noooo!” and for resisting the overwhelming desire to share with my High School Yearbook Committee that hideous photo of me with the mumps.  For that alone, I love you dearly.

Thanks for navigating so many road trips—to distant airports, to a good number of college campuses I considered calling home, to my very first job interview in the city.  Never mind that we got horribly lost in the process; but getting a glimpse of the White House at rush hour surely was grand.

Thanks for inspiring me to be a responsible individual, to work hard and to strive to do good in this world…for illustrating the power of forgiveness, the refuge of one’s church and the necessary nature of grieving our losses…for reminding me that things usually work out in the end—even when they look entirely hopeless at the start.

Thanks for underscoring the importance of finding time for one’s children, time for one’s marriage and time for oneself…for helping me recognize the inherent value of ice cream sundaes, the versatility of duct tape and the irreplaceable nature of a good friend.

Thanks for loving your grandchildren with as much ferocity as you loved me, for implanting within me the seeds of faith and for showing me the beauty of marrying one’s best friend.

By Melinda L. Wentzel

NOTE:  I hope you enjoyed this article as much as I did.  My father left when I was thirteen.  He never returned to live with us again.  My dads  visits were sporadic, with intervals of years between them.  A few years before he died we were reconciled with him.  I don’t have all of these precious memories that Melinda has.

What I do have truly blesses my life.  I have invested my life into my marriage so my children don’t have to be another statistic of a child living with a divorced parent.  My children can have the memories that Melinda has, and they do!  Praise God!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Everyday there is a new post.

WITHOUT DISGUISE OR COVERING

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION in any relationship begins with transparency.  Transparency in marriage is described before the Fall, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” Gen.2:25

Before Adam and Eve sinned against God, they wore no disguise or covering, had no mask.  They were uncovered physically and had no need to cover up emotionally.  They couldn’t and wouldn’t hide anything from one another.  Adam and Eve were a picture of true transparency.  They were real with one another, and unafraid of rejection.

But this transparency totally changed after the Fall, “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves covering”  Gen 3:7.  Those famous fig leaf aprons were only part of their cover-up.  Sin introduced a lot more than a need for modesty!  It also brought deceit, lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, mis-representation, distortion, hatred, jealousy, control, and many other vices, all prompting us to wear masks.

God’s plan for marriage has always been transparency and openness.  He never intended that couples engage in any kind of deceit, dishonesty, or any of the other problems that the Fall brought on the marriage relationship.

NOTE:  This article was taken from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

SATURDAY –  QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1.  My husbands teenage daughter just informed us that she is pregnant.  My question is, how far as a Christian parent do we go with this?  Do we participate in this child’s life?  My husband is not sure if we should cut his daughter off.  She lives out of state with her mother.  Do we support her in any of this?

Answer #1.  My answer will be on how to support your step daughter through this unfortunate situation.  She is pregnant, so we can’t go backwards.  At the age of 14, she is a child.  Your husband should make all the decisions concerning his daughter.  You can help him with suggestions only if he asks for them.  Do not let your feelings get hurt because this is not about you.  This is about his daughter and you need to be supportive to your husband decisions.  When you married your husband, you knew he had children.  God will show your husband, day by day, as to what he is to do in this situation.  This child was probably looking for love and attention in all the wrong places.  The child will now need all the love and attention that she can possibly get from her dad.  It may turn out that he will have to converse with the mother to make decisions.  Don’t allow jealousy or other workings of the flesh to take control of you.  This is a crucial time in his child’s life and he needs to put her first.  He should try to communicate with her on a daily basis.  Till she is at least 18, he needs to be hands on in her life.  He can never enjoy his life knowing that his daughters is messed up.  Give him his space to be withdrawn at times.  You are the “helpmeet” so assist him in whatever help he needs.  God will bless you for that and your husband will love you even more.

LUCIFERS INFECTED VIRUS IN MARRIAGE

Satan loves to infect marriages with his virus.

The enemy infiltrates our marriages with DISUNITY which probably causes more souls to sin than anything else.

James.4:11-12 NIV “Brothers, do not slander one another.  Anyone who speaks against his brother, or judges him, speaks against the law and judges it.  When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Law-giver and Judge, one who is able to save and destroy.  But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

Do you criticize and have unfavorable judgment against your spouse?

Do you CONDEMN your spouse because of his conduct?

Do you judge his character and motives that you feel are wrong?

You are on dangerous ground when you start judging another persons WORTH.

The love that unites your marriage is one of the most important things than anything else.

1Cor.13:13 (New Scofield) “Now abideth faith (that works miracles), hope (that makes us happy), love (that unites the Body), these three; but the greatest of these is love”.

Satan loves for you to be judgmental against your spouse because you cannot be judgmental without exalting yourself.

Lucifer’s syndrome is SELF-ELEVATION.

Listen to me wives, this is exactly what brought Lucifer down!  DOWN!!

Lucifer could not see God being number one; Lucifer had to be number one.

Does it BUG you when your spouse puts himself first?

Do you start thinking, “Who does he think he is?  Does he think he is better than me?”

Let me spin it for you.  Do you think you are better than him?

Do you think that he should put you first and him second?

When he puts himself first, does it get your back up?

Hold that tiger, girl!!  Grrrrrrrrr!

Satan fell because of his determination to be first, and his self-exaltation.

You can sit there and act like it is no big deal, but swallow this, it caused the first BROKEN fellowship in heaven.

Don’t think you can out smart satan at his own game.

If you start judging your husband, it is the start of RIPPING your marriage to shreds.

Humble yourself and be last instead of first, with a great attitude.

Put a smile on your face cause you just made the devil mad.

The evil one HATES humility!!!

He wants to see the “Me first” attitude from you.

When you have lowliness of mind and love that covers all sins, it will heal and unite your marriage.

Let go of the pride and self glory!   Go for the GOLD!!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

GREAT HUMILITY, GREAT MARRIAGE

The word “humility” means a modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance or rank.

Humility is the most essential quality of the Christian as it allows you to respond as you are being led by Christ.

Rom.12:3 “…do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

This is telling us to live our lives, in our marriage, pleasing to God and not to desire the high praises of men.

Compromise is what marriage is all about so be careful with issues related to being opinionated.

Do you find yourself having to do things your way and not listening to your spouse?

If you want to be esteemed in God’s eyes, in Isaiah there are three things God revealed that are first necessary.

 “This is the one I esteem:

He who is humble and

Contrite in spirit, and

Trembles at my word.” Isa.66:2

When we humbly accept the love of God, our pride is challenged.

Humility will give you a deeper realization of your unworthiness.

Do you accept your God-given role of being subordinate to your husband?  Keep in mind that God blesses us for submitting to this God-given role.

How do you respond when your spouse rebukes you?  With anger?

You need to carefully consider the areas that have your spouse upset.

How do you act when your spouse disagrees with your opinion?  Do you slander your spouse?

Do you try to understand the view point of others while realizing that God made everyone to think differently.

Phil.2:3-4 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.  Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

You need to have a humbling view about yourself, because you know your own secret faults and you know the true you.

Don’t selfishly give yourself glory thinking that you are wiser, more talented or more gifted than your spouse.

You need to rejoice in the blessings of your spouse.

God often allows us to go through humiliating circumstances in our life.

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.” 2Cor.12:7

Paul could not avoid or remove his fleshly thorns because they were necessary for his spiritual well-being to develop and maintain humility.

Let’s take time to look at what our source of humiliation is?

It is healthy for us to have sources of humiliation.

Humiliating the proud is part of Jesus’ ministry.

They tried to kill Jesus because he humiliated them.

They needed to be humiliated if they were ever to be saved.

What is your source of humiliation?  Spouse?  Children?  Siblings?  In-laws?  Work?  Co-workers?  Friends?  Finances?  Marital Status?

The “Great Physician” may be trying to save your marriage by giving you medicine of humiliation.

Take your medicine!

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

COMPROMISE BRINGS GREATER INTIMACY

We all need to know the beneficial ingredients for compromise because we all face disagreements in marriage.

First, your relationship with your spouse needs to be your primary concern.

Marriage is for life, and this is something that you are doing together, not against each other.

God put you together to help you accomplish things through life with each other.

Self-sacrifice aides in marital compromise.

According to Eva Marie Everson in her article for “MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP”, she writes, “Seeking to know your spouse’s preferences, and being willing to change in accord with those preferences, directs a marriage toward mutual compromise and greater intimacy.”

Phil.2:3-5 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory;  but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:”

This verse tells us to think of others, like our spouse, as more important than ourselves and to give up our own rights for the sake of peace.

These principles are so vital to the marriage relationship.

In an article by “Christianity Today” they presented four teaching points from this verse.

1. With humility of mind, regard your spouse as more important than yourself.
2. Seek to know the desires of your spouse and be willing to give up your own rights for the sake of peace.
3. Humbly communicate your desires to your spouse and be willing to change.
4. Compromise by giving preference to one another in honor.

In Stephen R. Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families”,  there is a chapter called WIN-WIN.

In the book it suggests that we should try to make it WIN-WIN-WIN.  That means that you win, your spouse wins, and then your family wins.

In life it means to seek first the interest of the other, to understand the other person’s needs, wants, and concerns.

Are you constantly having ego battles with your spouse?

Are you more concerned about who is right rather than what is right?

If you both don’t win, then the whole family loses.

Win-win is the only pattern of thinking and interacting that builds a relationship of trust and unconditional love.

Marriage and family are all about “We” not “Me”.

A good marriage and a good family require service and sacrifice.

An independent mind-set will not work in an interdependent relationship.

In her book Lucky in Love: The Secrets of Happy Couples and How Their Marriages Thrive, Catherine Johnson shares her research regarding factors that make marriages happy and long-lasting.

1. Both partners stop being single at heart and become married at heart.  As they become one, they see each other as his or her best friend.
2. They care more about the health of the relationship than they do about winning arguments.  They are self-aware and can hear and evaluate themselves from their partner’s perspective.

Can you see each other as constantly changing and growing and acting in good faith?

If you can keep the end in mind, you’ll have the motivation it takes to always go for win-win.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

CONFRONTATION IN MARRIAGE

 The meaning of “confrontation” is the hostile disagreement face-to-face resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.

2Cor.7:5-6 NKJV “Our bodies had no rest, but we were troubled on every side.  Outside were conflicts, inside were fears.  Nevertheless God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus.”

Sometimes  we feel so battered by outside circumstances that we have no control over.

Many of us feel so beaten down by life itself at different intervals.

This happens in marriage many times when we feel like we can’t seem to communicate with understanding to our spouse.

It is so easy to fall into depression when we feel that there is no way out.

If we fall into the self-preservation mode, we have now cut ourselves off from the people who can help us.

Let’s look at some of the pitfall of confrontation so that we do not make the mistakes other marriages have made.

Statistics show that 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of the 15 minute interaction.

If you begin a conversation with harsh speech, you are doomed for failure.

The following negative interaction principles are taken from John M. Gottman and Nan Silvers article on “How I predict divorce.”

Negative interactions are lethal to a marriage relationship.

Here is a list of four negative interactions:

1. Criticism

A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed.

A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.

1. 2.     Contempt

Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.

This is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.

1. 3.     Defensiveness

When conversations become so negative, critical and attacking, you will end up defending yourself.

1. 4.     Stonewalling

In marriages where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out.  This behavior is far more common among men.

Any of the above actions, will cause confrontation.

Job 30:27 “My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.”

In this verse we see how Job is so upset that he is boiling on the inside and can find no rest.

This is exactly what happens to you and I when we enter a conversation harshly.

Here are three goals that we must use before we start a conversation that is very controversial.

First, use HUMILITY.  1Pet.5:5 “…God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”   This is a must in a controversial conversation.

Second, COMPROMISE.

Don’t go into the conversation with the attitude that you will get everything your way.  Make it a WIN-WIN situation.  That is where you will be able to have some things your way but be flexible enough to allow his concerns to be taken care of also.

Third, use DIALOGUE.  Jas.1:19 “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

Your spouse talks, while you listen.

The secret to good communication is listening.

It is a tool.

Listening and talking at the same time guarantees that you are going to miss important facts and details.

Win the “first place” position for listening.

** To make sure you have listened to his point, ask, “Is this what you are trying to tell me?”

To be a good “helpmate” you need to know his opinion and position.

Communication is a prerequisite to success.

God has good plans for your marriage.

He knows what you need and he lovingly provides it for you.

Do not withdraw from God in the middle of distress and confrontation.

His helping hands want to help you in the time of need.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post.  Daily there is a new post.

7 WAYS TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND WITH HIS ANGER

This is from the book Boiling Point by Stephen Arterburn and Dave Stoop.

More than anything, your husband needs to know that you’re on his side, that you’re not against him.  You need to communicate, more than you probably think necessary, that you accept him and love him, even though you may not be satisfied with some of his behaviors or responses.  Separate the actions from the man; affirm the man.  His search for peace may begin sooner if he knows that you’re satisfied with him and willing to walk through the steps of healing.

1.  Be His Friend, Not His Mother

Trudy and Phil have been married nine years, and they both work full-time.  Phil’s high stress job in the intensely competitive computer industry requires a lot of  overtime.  Trudy spends every evening just trying to help Phil feel better about himself and his job.  She fixes him a nice dinner, draws him a hot bath, cleans up the kitchen while he relaxes, then listens to him complain about work until bedtime.  She irons his shirt, picks out a matching tie and socks, and makes his breakfast.  If he doesn’t leave for work on time, she calls his secretary to tell her he’ll be late.

Trudy is trailing after him like a mother.  He doesn’t need a mother; he needs a friend who’ll treat him, and insist on being treated by him, as an equal.  He needs a friend who’ll gladly share life’s responsibilities with him but not live his life for him, someone who’ll encourage him in his problem solving but not solve all of his problems for him.  If you find yourself playing a mothering role to the man in your life, he will never fully deal with the causes and crisis of his anger.  The scared little boy will whine and fuss until you make it all better.  You can transition from mother to friend in his life by lovingly placing in his hands those responsibilities and problems that he should deal with.

2.  Appreciate Him, Don’t Nag Him.

It’s estimated that upwards of 90 percent of men today are unhappy and angry in their jobs to some degree.  Most of them feel fortunate to be working, but they often languish in their dead-end jobs, feeling less that fully masculine because they’re not in control of their own lives.

It’s likely that a significant portion of your man’s anger springs from a sense of lack of control in his work.  Nagging him to buck for promotions or beg for raises may only intensify his anger.  Bugging him for a bigger house or newer car will only deepen his frustration that he has no more control at home than he has on the job.  But if you become a wellspring of appreciation for the work that he does and the living he provides, you will lift some of the pressure from his life.  Find many way to say, “I appreciate that you work hard at your job and that you hang in there even when it’s frustrating and tough.  I couldn’t love you more if you owned the whole company.”

3.  Affirm Him, Don’t Criticize Him.

Some men aren’t only upset because they must work for someone else but because of the kind of work they must do.  James is a college-trained engineer who can’t find a job in his chosen field.  So he resorted to the management-training program for a fast-food chain.  The job helps pay the bills, but James is embarrassed about being the crew chief in an assembly-line taco stand.  He hasn’t stopped looking for an engineering position, but he’s afraid that he’s trapped in what he considers a menial, degrading job.

LaVonne, James’s wife, is a breath of fresh air.  She continues to affirm him as a talented and useful employee.  “You’re an excellent engineer, Honey,” she tells him.  “The world just hasn’t discovered you yet.  You’re too good and well trained to be overlooked for long.  In the meantime, the taco place is lucky to have you.  You’re such a competent, conscientious manager.”

If your man is struggling with being locked into a job that’s distasteful to him, you can ease his struggle by affirming him for who he is and what he does.  Compliment him for the character qualities he exercises (or needs to exercise) in his job: patience, perseverance, determination, creativity, etc.  In everything you say and do, let him know that he’s the best taco maker (or pump jockey, accountant, construction worker, sanitation engineer, etc.) in the world.  Appreciate him for the effort.

4.  Give Him Space, Don’t Crowd Him.

Most of us don’t like to be pushed, especially men.  It’s an affront to their struggling masculinity and only serves to exacerbate their anger.  They feel intimidated because their wives can’t accept them the way they are.  They feel inferior in comparison to the ideal man their wives are badgering them to become.  Once again they are not in control of their lives.

Give your husband plenty of room.  Show him that you’re concerned about him and that you love him.  Let him know that you’re available to listen to him and talk to him.  Then back off to pray and wait.  Trust God to work for your man’s good in the situation.  Allow him to use “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1Peter 3:4) in you to encourage and help him.

As you pray, it’s important to pray for your husband’s heart, that it will open to all that he needs to understand in order to bring his anger back within healthy boundaries.  Pushing your man to solve his anger may cause him to make some cursory changes to get you off his back.  But pressure from you isn’t likely to produce a lasting solution.  When you step back and give God room to work, the changes may be significant and enduring.

5.  Give Him Time, Don’t Rush Him.

We live in an age of instant gratification.  We can travel thousands of miles in hours; we can transact business in seconds with our high-speed computers, cell phones, and cable shopping channels.  We hate to wait.  This subconscious urgency we all share for fast results may get in the way, however, when it comes to the process of helping a man defuse his anger.  Change doesn’t take place overnight.  It may take your husband weeks, months, or years to fully heal from the causes and results of anger in his life.

6.  Hold Him Responsible, Don’t be Co-dependent.

Eddie’s anger got him into trouble at work on a number of occasions.  He verbally popped off to his boss by contradicting his orders and undermined his leadership by bad-mouthing him to other employees.  When he was put on probation, his wife secretly went to see his boss, “I’m sorry for Eddie’s displays of anger,” she said.  “It’s really my fault.  I haven’t been the best wife I can be, and the kids have been on his nerves lately.  If you’ll just forgive him, I’ll try to turn things around at home so this won’t happen again.”  Eddie’s boss was sympathetic and rescinded the probation.

Again Eddie’s expression of anger pushed the wrong buttons at work, and he was placed on probation for a second time. His wife pleaded with his boss to give him a second chance, which he refused to do.  Within days Eddie’s angry words cost him his job.

If your husband’s anger gets him into trouble in any way, you are not responsible to cover for him or take the rap for him.  Doing so only allows the problem to continue; it never stops the problem.  Only when we allow someone to face the consequences of his behavior will he begin to see that he’s responsible for making changes in the way he behaves.

7.  Give to Him, Don’t Withhold From Him.

If your husband is in the process of dealing with expressions of anger that have been hurtful to you in some way, you may be tempted to say something like, “Once you get your act together, then I’ll start being the wife I should be.”  You may feel like withholding affection or sex from him until he deserves it.  You may feel like asking him to move out until he has better control of his temper or habits.  Or he may have troubled you so much that you’re ready to give up.

While there are a few occasions when a temporary separation may be necessary (such as when his uncontrolled rage is endangering you or the children), you can probably be more helpful to your man’s healing by staying with him.  Love, forgiveness, and acceptance are qualities to be given freely, not to be held hostage for ransom.  He needs your friendship, not your judgment.  God will use your openness, kindness, and willingness to go the second mile to aid in his healing.