LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

DEFUSE DESTRUCTION IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Do you know how to defuse the destructive power of resentment in your marriage?

We will look at four important steps that can be taken.

First, Toss out your need for revenge.

When we are hurt, our natural instinct is to strike back at our spouse.

This is our primitive need for self-preservation.

Revenge begets revenge and there is no end to the cycle.

To forgive your spouse means that you give up your right to retaliate.

Giving up your right to retaliate against your spouse is for your benefit because there will be no end to the escalating conflict.

Second, Acquire a holy view-point.

Matt.18:21-35 is the parable about the unforgiving servant.  “…and his Lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.”

Then Jesus said, “So likewise shall my heavenly father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not everyone his brother their trespasses.”

We should have shivers down our back.

Your hurts are insignificant when compared to the hurt you have caused God.

UNLESS YOU FORGIVE THE HURT OTHERS HAVE DONE TO YOU, GOD CANNOT FORGIVE YOUR DEBT TO HIM.

Third, Hold onto a spirit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is designed to protect us from our own anger.

It is not necessary for your spouse to admit their guilt or ask for forgiveness.

Lovingly ask your spouse to stop hurting you.

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head!!

Four, Turn your resentment into kindness

In Romans 12:17-21 tells us never to be revengeful because we will be overcome with evil.

Matt.5:44 “But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you…”

There are times that we want our spouse to suffer for what they have  done to us but the gospel has taken away your right to punish.

Do you want to free yourself from resentment and anger and get full advantage from forgiveness?

Turn your resentment into kindness.

When you do this:

• It gives you the feeling that you are now in control.
• It protects you from further anger.
• Possibly your spouse will not continue to hurt you.
• It keeps you from further sins.

Keep your reactions from becoming a greater sin than the original action.

YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, HE IS YOUR PRIORITY.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

RESENTMENT IS LIKE TAKING POISON

Resentment breeds resentment just like weeds breed weeds.

Resentment is like taking POISON and waiting for the other person to die.

Resentments destructive power comes from several sources:

First, Resentment prevents contentment.

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1Tim.6:6

Your resentment will destroy your marital happiness.

If we were left to our own devices, we would self-destruct.

Second, Resentment exaggerates emotional hurts.

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (Prov.10:19)

Exaggerating is lying.

Lying and slandering your spouse, the bible states that it is one of the things that God hates.

Don’t think that because it is your spouse that it gives you the freedom to exaggerate.

NO! NO! NO!

Third, Resentment never forgets.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past..”  Isa.43:18

Therapists try but fail to get people to let go of resentments.

Resentment best fits our “lower nature”.

In other words, we become animalistic when we harbor resentment.

85% of illnesses are due to stressful situations.

Has holding resentment against your spouse ever made you healthier or happier?

We enjoy resentment because it makes us feel self-righteous and adds to our self-pity.

We feel uncomfortable like we are betraying our deepest need if we let our spouse off the hook.

Fourth, Resentment is revengeful.

“…Avenge not yourself…it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Rom. 12:19

The natural thing for us to do is to plan revenge against our spouse.

Get the weeds out of your marriage!

Only you can do it.

No one else can put those weeds out.

They are growing and multiplying as you read this blog.

The longer they stay there, the thicker and stronger they get.

You will JUSTIFY  your position, but the reality is you have lost your position.

Clear the path to your heart so the Holy Spirit can bring great things into your life and marriage.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MAJOR SOURCE OF MARITAL STRESS.

Resentment is a powerful emotion that is one of the major sources of marital stress.

One of the most destructive of all human emotions is resentment.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking; be put away from you…”

Resentment means a feeling of displeasure and righteous anger, from a sense of being injured or offended.

Why was Paul so adamant about resentment?

Resentment is a DESTRUCTIVE POWER.

Bitterness in the Greek is “Pikria” which literally means a plant that produces a poisonous fruit.

Resentment is a powerful emotion that is one of the major sources of marital stress.

Research has found that there is an increase in depression in a disruptive marriage.

In a 2009 study, it was revealed that spousal anger contributes to depressive illness.

On going conflict puts a damaging strain on you, your children, your family, and your friends.

Is that the kinds of family life you want to come home to?

There are no winners in a home filled with “bitter fungus”.

Your body is paying a price for all that resentment bottled up inside of you.

Marital conflict increases blood pressure, coronary heart disease and congestive heart failure.

When you are angry and resentful, don’t COMMUNICATE!

Give God your super-sensitivity, selfishness and need for control, in order to decrease resentment.

You will have unresolved resentment from past hurts if your harbor bitterness.

Have you been violated by your parents, family, close friends, former spouses or former dating partners?

Don’t unconsciously, deeply wound your best friend (spouse).

Psychologist Dr. Archibald D. Hart states in his book “Helping Children Survive Divorce” that only the gospel of Christ is capable of healing the deepest human hurt at its very root.

The ability to forgive others is a gift from God that releases us from damaged emotions.

Don’t let your marriage be a playground for Satan.

You give him that permission when you harbor resentment.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

THE POWER OF ANTICIPATION

LOOK AT HOW THE WOMAN describes her husband,  “Behold, he comes leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.  My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag”  (Song of Solomon 2:9).  Can you sense the power of this love, the anticipation she feels as she scans the horizon?  Her soul is longing to catch a glimpse of him.

And in verses 10-14 you begin to see how Solomon has cultivated this power of anticipation.  He woos her with descriptions of flowers and springtime and secret places where they will go.

The wise husband will take a page out of Solomon’s songbook and court his wife.  He will realize she wants special time away with him—away from newspapers, televisions, radio, telephone, kids.  She wants him to sweep her off her feet.

As I look back on the times of passion and romance and love that Barbara and I have most enjoyed, they have happened when we plan something special and build in the element of surprise.  It might be a special date, a surprise picnic, a weekend away at a cabin in the wood…anything that sparks the imagination and builds a sense of anticipation.  It’s one of the greatest secrets to keeping the romantic fires burning in your marriage.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY QUESTION & ANSWER 

Question #1.   How can I protect my marriage from the things that would rob it of romance?

Answer #1.  The bible suggests an appropriate name for romance robbers.  After the bride of King Solomon described him in endearing poetic terms, her brothers said, “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes”  (Song of Solomon 2:15) .

In those days, a wise gardener would protect his vineyard from foxes.  The nocturnal bandits would sneak in during the dead of the night and eat the most tender parts of the vine, rendering them fruitless and useless.

The vineyard is like your marriage.  The foxes are the things that sneak up on you and snatch the fruit of passion before it can bloom.  And they can be anything: television, cell phone, household chores, hobbies—you name it.  Even children can be foxes!  The terrible thing is that these sly creatures are relentless.  Drop your guard, and they’ll reduce the vineyard of your marriage to a barren, lifeless place where romance shrivels on the vine.

Don’t let it happen to you!  Catch those little foxes and keep them out of your garden.  If you don’t know what they are, then observe carefully.  You’ll spot them if you look for them!

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DON’T BLOCK YOUR SPOUSE’S JUBILATION

There is an important human need inside each one of us to CONTRIBUTE something into this world.

The definition of contribute is to give with others and beyond ourselves; to furnish knowledge or ideas; to share in bringing about results; to be partly responsible.

We need to know that what we do ADDS value for ourselves and for others.

Have you ever found yourself searching for meaning or purpose?  Well your spouse does also.

God put that in us because we are to be the SHOWCASE for God’s glorious character.

Psa.89:1 “…I will sing the mercies of the Lord forever: with my mouth I will make known thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens.”

Your spouse needs to feel proud of his results.

Listen to Apostle Paul brag.  2Thess.1:4 “…we ourselves glory…”

Your spouses time, talents and energy have been a GREAT contribution to others.

Paul used the Greek word “egkauchaomai.”  

It means “to brag” or “to boast”.

He was proud of them because they were viciously and relentlessly pursued.

If your spouse is led by their values, they will value THEMSELVES.

A great source of inner fulfillment is when your spouse learns to commit to the values he wants to contribute.

When your spouses need to contribute is not met there are EMOTIONS that are associated with it.

Spouses need to be on a performance treadmill in order to fulfill the need to contribute.

Shame, fear, worthlessness, depression and dejection are some of the emotions suffered when the need to contribute is not RECOGNIZED.

When your spouse is contributing and being recognized for their part, they feel satisfaction, happiness, pride and fulfillment.

Let’s not stand in the way of their JUBILATION.

Let’s partake in the initiating of the jubilation.

That is your privilege as their spouse.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

STEPS TO BECOME A BLISSFUL COUPLE

For any marriage to be blissful, couples should understand the 5 phases of marital love.

All the phases must manifest in every home, if the home is to be a place of love and togetherness.

Phase 1 – Attraction:

This is what we call face love.

It involves accepting the outlook of your spouse and be intoxicated by it.

As soon as a man loses interest in the outlook and dressing of his wife, it will affect other phases of love.

Both husband and wife should train themselves to be interested in the outlook of their spouse.

Phase 2 – Emotion:

This is what we do refer to as “mind love”.

It involves giving room for deep affection toward one’s spouse.

It is heartfelt love; it’s frequency is always very high before wedding, during honey moon and shortly after the wedding.

But most of the time, it doesn’t last as couples begin to take each other for granted.

It affects their feelings, and kills the “mind love”.

Phase 3 – Compulsion Love:

It is known as responsibility love.

This is the kind that exists between a man and his wife that makes them stay together and perform their duties to each other even when they are no more attractive to each other and affection is gone.

This is what remains in many marriages; when it departs from the home, there is likely to be separation and divorce.

Phase 4 – Passion:

This is known as sexual love.

It is the aspect that makes the man to desire to sleep with his wife.

If it exists between unmarried people, it is called lust.

Most of the time wives are the first to lose this face of love.

In fact, it is one of the things a woman loses when she is unhappy with her husband, thereby leading to sexual denial of her husband.

Phase 5 – Compassion:

It is known as a God kind of love or agape love.

This love is unusual; it is not based on the outlook, body chemistry, feelings or happenings around us.

It is a love that is deep rooted in kindness and acceptance.

It is a sacrificial love.

Unfortunately very few couples got married based on this kind of love; most women based their marriages on emotional love, while men based theirs on attraction and passion.

NOTE:  This article was written by Bisi Adewale.  bisiadewale.com

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WEAK HUSBANDS AND DOMINANT WIVES

No one would have dreamed Brad and Sue had marriage problems.

From the outside, their relationship looked perfect.

He was outgoing and handsome with a gentle, personable manner.

She was fun-loving and family-oriented, faithful to God and Brad.

Everyone loved being around them because they were so easy to get along with, but no  one noticed their deteriorating marriage.

Sue had first been attracted to Brad because of his sweet, gentle nature–but before long it began to irritate her.

People were drawn to his kindness, so they went to him with their problems.

He was a great listener but lacked the character and convictions to provide any solid answers.

He was a people-pleaser.

He wouldn’t lead.

That lack of leadership was the root of a problem that grew between Brad and Sue.

She appreciated his good qualities but found herself losing more and more respect for him.

She took her frustration out on him by complaining.

She nagged him about the things he wasn’t doing.

She needled him about his lack of leadership.

Brad resented her remarks and attitude and resisted making the changes she wanted to see.

Brad was partly at fault.

He was falling short of God’s call for men to lead their wives in a righteous, sacrificial manner.

But Sue was as much of the problem as Brad.

From the start of their relationship, it was her dominant personality that enabled him to be passive.

Rather than keeping her naturally aggressive and opinionated personality in check, she exploited Brad’s personality.

She used it to dominate him.

At one point, he had seemed to enjoy her strong personality and opinions, but now he resented them.

Sue was confused.

Brad was frustrated.

Neither was happy.

The problem was that Sue wanted to control Brad.

As Dr. Marlin Howe once wrote, “I have never yet met a woman who respected a man she could control.  So from her innermost soul swells a basic need to disrespect her husband, to find fault with him.”

Along the same lines, a man will struggle to love a woman who controls him.

When this happens, the man tends to ignore her or seek significance elsewhere.

Both spouses end up pushing each other away.

The solution is for the man and woman to return to the roles God has designed for us in marriage: a husband leading with Christ-like love and a sacrificial spirit.

The woman dependent on his leadership and supporting him as his helpmate and companion.

Let Brad and Sue’s story be a warning.

They had the best of intentions but ended up miserable.

What about you?

Are you fulfilling the role God desires you to play in your marriage?

NOTE:  This article was given by Lisa Banks but written by Jimmy and Karen Evans from “Marriage Today”.

WHAT MAKES YOUR SPOUSE MISERABLE

One of the most important needs in your spouse’s life is to feel important and significant!

Lack of significance is a primary source of emotional pain.

The definition of importance is greatness of worth and influence; significant; needed; special.

Eph.2:10 “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…”

Do you have hindrances that keep you from being yourself?

We all have certain people that we feel comfortable being around.

Those people put us in our comfort zone and we can act whatever way we want and feel we will be accepted and appreciated.

CASE AND POINT:  My husband and I don’t go to all the church activities like picnics, parties, etc.  As soon as we walk in, things go a little quiet and we feel that everyone becomes uncomfortable.  I want to tell them not to be uncomfortable because we spill food, trip, call people by the wrong names and burp!

Your spouse will avoid people and situations when there is the risk of failure or rejection just like you would.

That means that your spouse needs your love and encouragement.

Misery will enter your spouse’s life if they feel they have no value, purpose or significance.

God is the one who placed in your spouse a hunger for significance and to be important.

The Holy Spirit is here to fulfill the hunger to be important but God also gave you to your spouse to do that also.

Gods word says that He created a wife for Adam to meet his need for companionship and understanding.

You are his “Helpmeet”!

You are his companion, his cheerleader, and his friendly friend!

And DON’T FORGET IT!!

I didn’t say it!

God said it in Genesis and Malachi 2.

Get out those “pom poms” the game is on!

When Adam fell, it robbed our spouse of their self-worth and he is now on a continual search for significance.

If your spouse’s parents were not lovable or protective of them, your spouses need for significance may be of the utmost importance.

Your spouse will need time to change along with your encouragement, God’s word, and the power of the Holy Ghost.

Christ died for us and exchanged His life for our life.

That is how important you and your spouse are to Him.

He wants you to represent Him to your spouse.

It is your divine appointment!

Don’t miss out on your purpose and significance in life.

It is of the utmost importance!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WHY YOUR SPOUSE PICKED YOU

LOVE and CONNECTION is a very important need in your spouse’s life.

Prov.19:22 “What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar”.

This proverb was put in the bible for a reason and if we are determined to be the best God wants us to be, let’s observe it.

This is speaking volumes as to the true desire why your spouse picked you.

He went into this marriage believing that your love for him would never fail.

If you have ever ran out of gas when you are in a hurry, you know how maddening that can be.

I have so many stories of how my husband would run out of gas when we were dating.

I won’t bore you with the stories of how his dad would have to pick us up because I know you have stories of your own.  Lol!!

So let’s get to the nitty gritty!

After you are married for a while, you don’t even care if your “love tank” is dry.

You are now busy with work, kids, hobbies and house duties or your favorite TV program.

CASE AND POINT:  I like to do this illustration in my marriage classes.  I have a woman on stage bouncing a balloon in the air.  That balloon represents her husband.  Then I throw in another balloon to bounce with the other one and that one represents her job or career.  She is still smiling.  Then I throw in another balloon that represents a child.  Now she is really struggling to keep all three within her grasp and keep them all in the air.  By the time I throw in the second child, the balloon that represents her husband is now on the ground and her concentration is on the new balloon I just gave her.  She is now flustered and almost all the balloons are on the floor.

The purpose of this demonstration is for each of us to see what we are doing unconsciously to our spouse.

Women have this idea that the more kids you have, it makes you more of a family and your husband will never leave you.

Then in your frustration with responsibilities and finances you start treating him whatever way you desire.

After all, they are his children also and he should understand.

That might be why God put Proverbs 19:22 in the bible.

It’s a wake up call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WAKE UP!

 I don’t like it when you make me yell.  L

Studies show that babies die if they are never touched.

That proves the validity of the Proverbs scripture.

Try to spend a minimum of 14 hours a week (2 hrs. a day) with undivided attention.

It could be anything!  Even going for a walk or watching a movie together.

This is how you fill your spouses “love tank”.

These actions make big deposits into your spouses “love tank”.

• Affection and physical touch.  “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death…” ( Song of Solomon 8:6)

• Intimate conversation with words of affirmation and quality time. “…Have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” (1Pet.3:8)

• Companionship with recreational activities and gift giving.  “…She is your companion, and the wife of your covenant.”  (Malachi 2:14)

• Total sexual fulfillment.  “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe.  Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” Prov.5:18-19

Don’t gamble with your marriage.

Do you really want to live with someone who has an empty “love tank”?

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.