LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

PRINCIPLES FOR A STRONGER MARRIAGE

NOTE:  This is an article from a book “101 things husbands do to annoy their wives” by Ray Comfort.  I normally do Questions and Answers but I felt you would really benefit from this portion of his book.

FIRST, establish a regular prayer life together. If you are in a high-rise building and there’s a fire, the correct response is to drop to your knees.  Because smoke rises, you will see more clearly from that position and will avoid the poisonous fumes.  Make your prayer-life so second nature to you both that the moment you find yourself in the fires of tribulation, you will drop to your knees.  You will see more on the knees of prayer than through the thick and confusing smoke of misfortune.

SECOND, aim to rid yourself of a selfish human nature.  A humble, “broken” spirit is found in one who is no longer living for himself.  I’ve counseled enough marriages to know what causes all breakups: it is simply a philosophy of “Not your will, but mine be done.”  Having a broken spirit means giving up your rights for the rights of your spouse.  Don’t be like the wife who told her marriage counselor, “It all started on our wedding day–when he wanted to be in the wedding photos!”  Don’t do anything “through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”

THIRD, make certain resolutions:

*  Never mention the word “divorce” during an argument.  The word should shock us.  The more it is used as an argumentative weapon, the less distasteful it will seem.  Avoid statements such as, “Sometimes I can really understand why some marriages end in divorce.”  If you both resolve that divorce is never an option, you will be motivated to work harder at having a good marriage.

*  Vow not to let your emotions lead you to say things you will regret.  You are most vulnerable to the one you confide in most–spouses know how to hurt each other.  If you feel unable to restrain your sharp tongue in an argument, wait until you have cooled off and can talk reasonably.

*  Learn how to say, “I’m sorry.”  Often I say I’m sorry not because I think I was in the wrong, but because the argument started in the first place.  A wife testified at the closing of a divorce proceedings, “It all started when he walked out and slammed the door.”  The husband butted in, “I didn’t slam the door!”  It was discovered that the wind had caught it.  If only forgiveness and humility had been there the day that happened, rather than presumption and pride.

*  Be aware of your own faults.  Remember, the proverb, “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes.”  The husband who says, “I have never made a mistake” has a wife who made a big one.

*  Agree never to argue in front of your children.  You will lose their respect, cause them to question the security of their home, and ruin your reputation in front of those most important to you.

*  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  Don’t “sleep on it,” because it will fester and eventually poison you.

FOURTH, show love and respect toward each other.  Although some with the ” Women’s Liberation” mentality believe that the biblical husband/wife relationship is one of a master and a well-trained dog, they couldn’t be further from the truth.  The Bible does speak of women as the “weaker vessel,” which is true physically.  However, the biblical order is: as a strong, thorny stem upholds the tender, easily bruised, sweet-smelling rose, so should the husband uphold, love, and respect his wife.  When you study a rose, notice how the leaves reach from the stem and embrace the delicate flower.  So the arms of the husband should embrace his wife.  That is God’s order.

Again, the Bible commands husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”  Men will obey this only to the extent that they understand how much Christ loved the church.  I once spoke at a men’s camp to about eighty men, and told them that if they treated their wives sacrificially like this, they would no doubt be rewarded by their wives in a way that all men enjoy.  For the next several seconds, you could have heard a pin drop.  Suddenly one man, voicing the thought of the entire group, hollered, “Alright!”  The room erupted with spontaneous joy, laughter, and loud amens. Ladies, if your husband doesn’t open the car door for you when you get home at night, stay in the car until he does.  If, however, you see the bedroom light switch off, give up and try again another time.  Husbands, if you know what’s good for you, show respect for your wife.  It will become mutual, and you will be rewarded.  You will reap what you sow, and thus enrich and lift your marriage.

FIFTH, communicate.  The Bible says that when a man and woman are joined in marriage, they “become one flesh.”  Sue and I met while we were working in a bank.  At work we are called “the budgies” because we used to sit together each day and I would peck at her lunch.  Nothing has changed.  Not only is Sue my wife, but she’s my best friend.

A man once said to his wife, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.”  The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

These things won’t come naturally.  There is, however, one powerful thought to help us remember why men should be the ones who change:

God made man from dirt.

For the woman He used prime rib.

NOTE:  Tomorrow’s post will have new exciting marital tips.

SELF-ESTEEM BUILDING FOR SPOUSES

Your personal worth sets the limit on how successful your accomplishments are on your marriage.

Your greatest POSSESSION is to have a healthy self-esteem.

There is a need inside each one of us to be or feel like a special person and especially from our spouse.

You will grow and mature to be what God wants you to be if your FOUNDATION is built on a strong self-image.

It takes time to correct things that are wrong in your life and in your marriage because no one matures instantly.

To mature physically, spiritually and emotionally sometimes comes PAINFULLY.

In Christ, you are his unique creation and your marriage is unique.

Remember, your self-image is what you think you are.

Your self-image is not what you are.

Your self-image is not what others think you are.

There is an array of sources that you should not be basing your feelings on about yourself: family, other people, physical traits, talents/abilities, failures, etc.

Feelings of guilt and failure, many times come from setting up high expectations for ourselves.

This defected foundation needs to let God rebuild it.

STEPS TOWARDS A

HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

1. Let yourself, Love yourself.
2. Be the person God intended you to be.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others.
4. Honestly estimate yourself.  Assess strengths and weaknesses.
5. Don’t condemn yourself.
6. Don’t have high expectations for yourself.
7. Forgive yourself.
8.  Accept God’s forgiveness.
9. Towards others, have an attitude of forgiveness.
10. Towards others, have an attitude of love.
11. Do things that will make you like yourself more.
12. Choose realistic goals.
13. Seek God’s praise for what you do.
14. Don’t seek praise from others for what you do.
15. Build up others with your gifts and abilities.
16. Surround yourself with friends that build you up.
17. Do not put yourself around people who tear you down.
18. Build up those around you.
19. Let God shape you into the person he wants you to be.
20. Thank God for his never-ending love for you.
21. Thank God for the future he has prepared for you.

NOTE:  More marital encouragement on tomorrow’s post.

NOTE:  Some comments for this post was taken from the book, Perfect in His Eyes, by Kay Marshall Strom

LIVE TV HORRIFYING SCENE

I came across this story while I was reading about YAHWEH SHAMMAH, which means “The LORD is There”.

This is a true story that exemplifies a visual example of “The LORD is There.”

NOTE: The following article came from the book “Praying the Names of God” by Ann Spangler.

Genelle Guzman-McMillan has a story that is mesmerizing because she survived troubles the rest of us have only encountered in our nightmares.  She is the last survivor of the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center.

Genelle is a soft-spoken woman who remembers what happened in terrifying detail.  Employed by the Port Authority of New York, she arrived a little after 8 a.m. on September 11 and rode the elevator to her job on the sixty-fourth floor of the north tower.  Thinking it was safe to stay, Genelle didn’t attempt to leave the building until after the second plane hit.  Racing down fifty-one flights of stairs in high heels, she stopped for a moment on the thirteenth floor.  As she bent down to remove her shoes, the north tower collapsed on top of her.

Like millions of others, I watched the horrifying scene via live TV, convinced that no one had survived the collapse of the second tower.

Here’s what happened to Genelle when all hell broke loose:

One hundred ten floors were coming down around us.  I knew I was being buried alive.  The noise was deafening…

When I woke again I told myself I had to do something.  But what could I do?  “God, you’ve got to help me!”  I prayed.  “You’ve got to show me a sign, show me a miracle, give me a second chance.  Please save my life!”  My eyes were so caked with grime that the tears couldn’t come, but I felt it in my heart.  I was talking to God as if he was right there.  I told him I was ready to live my life the right way.  “Lord, just give me a second chance, and I promise I will do your will.”…

The next day, I heard a beep-beep sound like a truck backing up.  I called for help, but there was no response…  Finally someone hollered back:  “Hello, is somebody there?”  “Yes, help me!  My name is Genelle, and I’m on the thirteenth floor,” I cried, not realizing how ludicrous the information about my location must have sounded, coming from a pile of rubble…

I could see a bit of daylight coming through a crack, so I stuck my hand through it…I stretched my hand out as far as I could, and this time someone grabbed it.  “Genelle, I’ve got you!  You’re going to be all right.  My name is Paul.  I won’t let go of your hand until they get you out.”

Genelle had prayed to the God she had ignored for most of her life, and he had been there for her.  After twenty-seven hours she was pulled out of the rubble and then spent five weeks in the hospital recuperating.  Afterward, she tried locating Paul, the man who had held onto her hand until she was rescued.  Later, when she asked about him, her rescuers assured her:  “There’s no one named Paul on our team…nobody was holding your hand when we were removing the rubble.”

Genelle had felt completely calm the moment Paul grabbed her hand.  She had believed his repeated assurances that help was on the way and that she would be all right.  Despite the fact that her story has been told in Jim Cymbala’s book Breakthrough Prayer, on Oprah and CNN, and in Guideposts and Time magazines, no one named Paul has ever stepped forward to take credit for rescuing her.  But Genelle knows that Paul was there.  He was like an angel of God’s presence, assuring her that all would be well.

Hour after hour Genelle had cried out for help.  It took more than a day for the rescue crew to locate her but only an instant for God to pinpoint her location.  When a psychiatrist, probing for symptoms of posttraumatic stress, interviewed her in the hospital, Genelle told him that God above was her psychiatrist.  “After all, God was there when I needed him.  He had made sure I was found.  He had comforted me and given me a new life.”

Like few others, Genelle knows the saving power of the One who revealed himself to her as Yahweh Shammah, the Lord who is there.

NOTE:  Don’t miss tomorrow’s post with more marital insights.

MAIN INGREDIENT FOR PROSPEROUS MARRIAGE  

Every one wants a prosperous marriage.

If this is true, then why are so many marriages TROUBLED?

We can find the answer in proverbs.

Prov.13:21 ”Prosperity is the reward of the righteous.”

This verse is saying that the REWARD of being a righteous spouse is having a prosperous marriage.

Righteousness is the character or quality of being right or just.

Righteousness is fulfilling our responsibility of being in a right relationship or right standing with God.

In Hebrew word TSEDEQ is translated “righteousness”.

We are not to just do what God says to do but we are to become like him.

Jesus stressed that righteousness is about our thoughts, motives, and desires which is a HEART MATTER.

Jesus stressed that righteousness is not about outward behavior.

CASE AND POINT:  As I was growing up, I prided myself on doing what was right.  I knew there were two different roads that I could go down, but I always tried to pick the right road.  I didn’t enjoy behaving all the time, but I made it a point not to lie and fulfill my responsibilities.  But the day I gave my life to God, he showed me how my desires were for the things of the world and even though I tried to do what was right, I missed the mark.  He continued to deal with my heart and if I wanted heaven I needed His righteousness.  My words to him were, “If there is a heaven, I want to be there.”  That day he gave me the assurance that I have a place in eternity with him.

Do you want to be rescued from a troubled marriage?

“The righteous are delivered from trouble, and the wicked get into it instead.”  (Prov.11:8 NRSV)

Do you let God help you with what you say to your spouse when you are ANGRY?

“The lips of the righteous nourish many.”  (Prov.10:21)

Do you want to be a blessing to your spouse?

“Blessings crown the head of the righteousness.  (Prov.10:6)

Have you asked God to make changes in your marital relationship and you are still waiting on God.

“What the wicked dread will come upon them, but the desire of the righteous will be granted. (Prov.10:24 NRSV)

How do you act when things don’t turn out your way and you feel violated?

“When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.”  (Prov.10:25)

Do you carry terrible thoughts about your spouse and seem to have negative attitudes?

“The memory of the righteous will be a blessing. (Prov.10:7)

Why so some marriages suffer?

We may not always UNDERSTAND all the reasons why our marriage is suffering.

Our job is to be consistent with His righteousness.

Matt.5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger ad thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.”

NOTE:  Tomorrow will have more insights into marriage.

SUPERNATURAL STAYING POWER FOR MARRIAGES

Hope is a gift that we have for our lives today that is meant to carry you into the next.

When we become hopeless, our days are no longer SUNNY but we only see gray.

CASE AND POINT:  My husband and I were missionaries in England for about 5 years in the 80’s.  We arrived in December and I remember when the airplane doors opened, I was overwhelmed with the freezing temperatures.  Our daughter kept her coat on all summer and in October she asked me when summer was coming.  When I told her summer had just finished, she started crying.  England was freezing and her hope was a gorgeous sunny summer.

Although my daughter was only 8 years old, hopelessness comes to us no matter how old we are.

Isa. 40:31 “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.”

No matter what you are facing in your marriage, hope is a new kind of strength that helps you to endure what you need to face.

Hope enables us to be patient and to wait CONFIDENTLY for God to act.

Do you let doubt and anxiety paint ugly pictures in your mind about your marriage or your spouse?

God’s word says that he has great PLANS, not only for your marriage but also for you personally.

God has supernatural staying power for your marriage.

Jer.29:11  “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

The Christian symbol for hope has been an ANCHOR for about two thousand years.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Heb.6:19

When disappointments bring FEAR into your life, remember that the Holy Spirit resides in you.

Fear and grief will be destroyed if your hope is grounded in God.

Confess to God if you have been putting your hope in things that CANNOT save you.

CASE AND POINT: This morning on a news station they had someone who wrote a book on how many children to have.  The author mentioned how many couples keep having children thinking it will make their marriage better.  Instead, it eats into their quality time and the result is a marriage breakup.

Put your trust in God and let him teach you how to meet your spouse’s needs.

Clinical studies have shown that many premature deaths have been caused by habitual hopelessness.

The National Institute on Aging did a study on people who were hopeful for the future.  From three to seven years later, the ones who were classified as “hopeless”, 29% died.  The ones classified as “hopeful”, only 11% died.

Hope is a healing balm for both your body and soul.

Supernatural staying power is what hope gives us.

Hope is not based on emotions, it is deeply rooted in a relationship with God.

Are there failure and betrayals in your marriage?

Are there illnesses or hardships in your marriage?

Put your trust and hope in a living God.

NOTE:  Tomorrow’s post contains new insights for your marriage.

HERE COMES THE JUDGE

A judge is someone who pronounces judgment on someone or something.

One thing that you may have a tendency to do is pass judgment on our SPOUSE.

In Hebrew, the word for “judge” is SHOPHET and God is the judge of the whole world.

Only God is competent to know the motivation of hearts and minds.

In the Old Testament, God often sent His prophets to rebuke Israel’s rulers for being UNJUST to the widows, the fatherless, the poor and the aliens.

Are you like Israel’s rulers and being unjust with your judgment concerning your spouse.

Matt.7:1  “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

“You… have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things…do you think you will escape God’s judgment…” (Rom. 2:1-4)

Ask God to keep you from becoming critical and judgmental of your spouse and others.

CONFESS to God if you have the tendency to judge your spouses motivations.

Do you know how it feels to be unjustly accused of an offense?

Rom.2:4 “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience…”

This verse is excellent because it shows what God EXPECTS of us: kind, tolerant and patient.

These are actions that we need to use on our spouse the next time we don’t understand them: kindness, tolerance and patience.

Have you ever found yourself wishing that you could special order a PUNISHMENT just for your husband?

Do you wish for a punishment that would duplicate the hurt you have gone through?

Allow the Holy Spirit to work in your life or you will find signs of “bitterness” and a “desire for revenge” creep into your heart.

You need to trust God because judgment belongs to Him, not to you!

The real victory comes when you ESCAPE the implanting of bitterness and resentment in your heart.

You may evaluate the actions of your spouse, but only God should judge the motives in their heart.

It may seem awkward to understand how God can be your shepherd and healer but also your JUDGE.

God wants you free from eternal judgment and that is why he judges you here on earth.

Injustice is everywhere but don’t let it DESTROY your marriage.

Live happily with your spouse today as though there is no tomorrow.

Ask God to give you a MERCIFUL heart towards your spouse no matter what their attitude might be.

God is gracious and compassionate with you.

Isa.30:18 “Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;

He rises to show you compassion.

For the Lord is a God of Justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!”

NOTE:  Tomorrow’s post will be filled with more encouraging marital nuggets.

A WIFE’S ULTIMATE NEED

ISAAC, IT IS SAID, “took Rebekah and she became his wife, and he loved her” (Gen.24:67).  Centuries later, that’s still what a wife most wants out of marriage.

A wife wants her husband to love her, to cherish and care for her, to pursue her and continue to know who she is and who she is becoming.  She wants her husband to seek a relationship with her.  She wants him to seek to understand her.  It’s why on some occasions, our wives want to be intriguing and a challenge, not easily figured out.

When a woman sees her husband denying himself for her, she understands that it’s  because of love.

On the other hand, if a woman senses her husband is romancing her in order to meet his own personal needs, then she feels manipulated, or controlled, or less valued…used.  She may begin to fear that she would be taken advantage of, taken for granted sexually, and unappreciated in all kinds of ways.

A wife’s ultimate need is to be loved.  No man will do that perfectly.  But a husband seeking to become the man God wants him to be will learn how to better love his mate.  The result is a wife who begins to feel and experience unconditional love—and a marriage of growing commitment, trust, and fulfillment.

NOTE:   Don’t miss tomorrows post which will be a new post filled with marital insight.

NOTE:  This article came from Family Life Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

SATURDAY – QUESTION AND ANSWER  

Question #1.  What is the proper way of handling a situation when your spouse is friendly with someone of the opposite sex.

Answer #1.  It is very hard for someone to see their spouse enjoying the company of someone from the opposite sex.  I would suggest that at first you should try to ignore it, especially if your spouse has never given you any reason to think otherwise by their actions.  If it continues again and you are feeling uncomfortable, the best thing to do is to address it to your spouse.  Do not involve the other person.  Do not accuse your spouse of anything.  Just address to your spouse how you are feeling and you want him/her to help you with this.  You have the right to ask them not to be friendly and keep the relationship on a business like level.  Do not tell your spouse not to say hello or smile.  Your spouse is not guilty of anything and they may not even be aware of their actions.  Do not violate your marriage by bringing accusations that are unsubstantiated.

MARRIAGE FORTRESS FOREVER

What does a fortress have to do with marriage?  Everything!!!

A fortress is a fortified (secured) place, especially a large, permanent military stronghold that often includes a town.

In Psa.91:2 God is called our “fortress” or METSUDA

Psa. 91:2 “I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”

Where do you go when things go wrong and times get hard in your marriage?  Your mother?  Sister?  Best Friend?  Co-worker?

Are there times when you have taken refuge in anything and everything but God?

What keeps you from EXPERIENCING God as your fortress?

Could it be your pride?

Do you seek shelter somewhere else because you get ANGRY with God for letting you down?

When we wait on God, we are telling him that we will put our trust in Him to do what is right for our lives.

Maybe you FEEL unworthy or guilty of asking God for his help.

The devil is a liar and he will lie to you in order to keep you from going to God.

Do you think that your marital situation is IMPOSSIBLE?

He loves those impossible issues because then you will know it was him who created a miracle.

No one else can get HIS glory!!!

God doesn’t want to just dwell with His people, He wants to dwell within His people.

He is someone that you can RUN to for safety and security.

The City of Refuge in the Old Testament was somewhere that a person could run to if they had accidently killed someone.  This place was within a day’s journey since they were strategically placed at various places in Israel.

God is compared to an eagle or a great bird.  This is where the RIGHTEOUS can find shelter.

In the same way Jesus is our fortress and our strength.

Fortress walls were about 25 feet high and 25 feet thick in the Old Testament.  People would work outside the walls during the day and then at night they could come inside the walls protection.

In Matthew, Jesus expressed how a mother hen longs to gather her chicks under her wings.

“…how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!”  Matt.23:37

Your life will be different if you let God shelter you under His wings.

As a couple, learn to take SHELTER behind those fortress walls.

NOTE:  Everyday there is a new post with helpful information to encourage your marriage.

DIVINE SUPPLIES FOR COUPLES

  So many times right after couples get married, they call the church office to get marital advice.

The worse case scenario was one bride who called the church after being married just 2 days.

We were shocked to hear her say she was done with her marriage because he was not doing what she wanted.

I am sure that the husband wanted to call also for some divine marital handbook.

Although it is a rarity, we do get couples that call during their “honeymoon stage” and ask for advice to avoid their daily arguments.

What we have found is the devil comes in like a flood and overwhelms them with lies.

This can bring death to a marriage but we have a God who is alive!

2King, 19:16 “… listen to the words Sennacherib has sent to insult the living GOD”

 The word “Living God” in Hebrew is EL CHAY.

Thank God for breathing life into you and into your marriage.

He is a God who hears, who speaks and who acts.

CASE AND POINT:  When my daughter was about 2 years old, she had a Minnie mouse doll.  We took her to Disneyland and she went crazy when she saw Minnie mouse walking around.  She hugged her and we spent about an hour just hugging Minnie cause our daughter didn’t want to leave her.  When we got home, she grabbed her Minnie doll and started pulling her legs and arms.  She was very disappointed because her Minnie would not walk around or hug her.  We could not stop laughing cause we had never seen her so frustrated.

Many of us are like that.  We own a Minnie doll.

Is your god a dead god with no life just like Minnie.

Unlike idols made by human hands, the “living God” is our source to a better marriage.

Why do we need a “Living God” to help us?

We need a “Living God” because we need help with the attacks on the outside but also on the inside of us.

The devil lies to us and tells us that we cannot control our emotions, our bad habits, addictions, etc.

As things begin to look hopeless, we fall into depression.

What poison is being fed to you right now which you think is too big for God’s power to deliver you.

Reject all lies and lay out your requests to the “Living God.”

God’s specialty is to drive out the enemies that continue to harass you.

God loves a “good fight” because He always comes out winning!!

The angel of the LORD killed 185,000 men in the Assyrian camp in one night.

Tell God that you do not want to control your life anymore but you want to be controlled by His living Holy Spirit who is powerful.

There is a well of “living water” that is never in short supply which Jesus talked about.

In John 4:14, Jesus tells us about the all powerful “Living God” who makes His home in us.

Don’t fight your own fights; let God do the fighting.

NOTE:  Tomorrow there will be encouraging information to make a great marriage.