LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

GOD HATES DIVORCE

If you are not  hot or cold, then you are mediocre.

Mediocre is lacking in exceptional quality or ability.

Mediocrity in a person of second-rate ability or value.

If we are talking about weather, mediocrity is sublime.  Los Angeles, California is the place to be.  You are within an hour from sunny beaches, and within an hour to snowy mountains.  But we are not talking about weather!!!!

We are talking about your MARRIAGE.

You must not be lukewarm about your marriage or Gods judgment will spew you out of his mouth as he said in Rev.3:15-16 to the church in Laodicea.

vs.15-16 “…I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to  SPIT  you out of my mouth…you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.”

Christ severely warns the church of judgment against lukewarmness.  He is a God of excellence and desires us to be passionate about our marriage.

Are we sure that he is also talking about our marriages?

YES!!   Because in Mal.2:11 He calls marriage His …”holy institute”…. We don’t ever mess with anything that is holy because it means that it is sacred.  Set apart.

A mediocre marriage leads to divorce and God “hates divorce”  Mal.2:16.

It’s a funeral that never ends!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

A “FACE-TO-FACE” MARRIAGE

Do you get so caught up with the issues of the day that you don’t even have time for your husband?

You need to make “turning towards” your spouse a priority.

In order to keep your romance alive, let your spouse know that you value him.

Not once a year, but try to make it a point everyday.

Even if it is as small as thanking him for helping you with something you asked him to do.

Even if you are shopping, it is a time that romance can grow because you are doing it together.

The point is that you are doing something together and “face-to-face.”

Think of words of encouragement to tell your spouse.

If you know your spouse is having a bad day, leave him a loving voicemail.

If there is a place he likes to go, make the suggestion that you go after work together for a date.

What ever you choose to do together, you are making a choice to “turn towards” each other rather than turn away.

Remember, that you are your spouses “companion.”

Mal.2:14  “…she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”

This is something that wives forget to do which is to “have fun” with their spouse.

It is sad to see in a marriage, when one partner is always trying to get the attention of their spouse just to get affection, support, or humor.

When their spouse does not “turn towards” them, then they usually turn away from the one they were trying to get attention from.

I heard once that it is better to find a babysitter for your spouse, than your spouse find a sitter for himself.

Wake up, girls!!

Turn face-to-face with your spouse!

You both need romance, and emotional connection in your marriage.

Do you read together?

Are you silent or do you talk over meals?

God made Eve for Adam in order to have someone for him to be emotionally engaged with.

Face-to-face involvement is necessary in order to stay together and in order to avoid departure of one of the spouses.

The difference in the outcome of your marriage is your “emotional bank account.”

It is like putting money in the bank every time you take the initiative to “turn towards” each other.

You need a build up in your “emotional savings” so when conflict or stress hits your marriage, you will make allowances for a negative action from your spouse.

The key to a long-lasting romance is to “turn toward” each other in little ways every day.

Face-to-face!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ENHANCE YOUR LOVE

If you are an emotionally intelligent wife, you will be intimately familiar to your spouse’s world.

Mal.2:14 “…she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant.”

He called this familiarity to your spouse’s world “love mapping.”

CASE AND POINT:  It seems like every time I turn on my computer, there is an “update” that needs to take place.  If I don’t update my computer, there is a chance of me losing information that I need.

In the same way, if you don’t update the important information about your spouse, you can loose touch and your relationship can drift to the point that you wake up one day and don’t know each other.

John M. Gottman Ph.D, in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” defines love mapping as the part of the brain that stores all the relevant information about your partner’s life.

Do you know your spouses goals in life?

Do you know your spouses worries?

Do you know your spouses hopes?

If you don’t really know someone, you can’t really love them.

The biblical term for sexual love is “to know”.

Having a baby is one life event, or a job shift is a life event, or an illness; these events change a “love map.”

The more you know and understand your spouse, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.

Getting to know your spouse better is a lifelong process.

LOVE MAP QUESTIONNAIRE

By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Answer TRUE or FALSE to the following statement.

1. I can name my partners best friends.
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my husband lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
8. I know my partner’s favorite music.
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.

10.My spouse is familiar with my current stresses.

11.I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.

12.I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my

partner as a child.

13.I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life.

14.I know my partner’s major current worries.

15.My spouse knows who my friends are.

16.I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly               won the lottery.

17.I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.

18.Periodically I ask my partner about his world right now.

19.I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

20.My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.

Give yourself one point for each TRUE answer.

10 or above:  This is an area of strength for your marriage.  Try not to take for granted this knowledge and understanding of each other.  If you continue to keep in touch, you should be able to handle problems that arise.

Below 10:  Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area.  Take time to learn more about your spouse now, your relationship will grow stronger.

I heard once that if you really want to find things out about your husband, have a BarBQue with the men from his work and listen to their conversation.

I guess the guys at work know more about him than you do if you haven’t taken the time to learn.

It is time for a daily update!

Start today!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NEEDFUL THING FOR MARRIAGE

Have you ever complained to God about what your husband wasn’t doing?

Of course you have?

There were times that I felt like I was doing every thing and thought that my husband should be working to help me.

This following biblical story explains how Jesus feels about those times of service.

Jesus was in the home of two sisters: Mary who was listening at Jesus’ feet and Martha who was cumbered about serving.

The word “cumbered” in the Greek means, draw away, distract; to be driven about mentally.

Luke 10:41-42 “And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

What was Martha being distracted from?

The “word”.  Jesus and the “word” are one.

She was distracted with too much serving and forgot Jesus.

Martha OVERRODE her bonding with Christ, by her service to Christ.

When you are on an “emotional rollercoaster”,  it separates you from Jesus and you are now no good to your marriage.

Luke 21:34 says, our hearts are overcharged with “…cares of this life...”

You need to humble yourself by casting your cares on Jesus instead of complaining about what your spouse is or isn’t doing.

Martha’s #1 purpose at that time was to make Jesus welcomed.  Instead, she snaps and complains to Jesus saying, “Don’t you care?”

Martha thought that you express your love for God through service.

Mary’s secret is that she knew her love for God could only be done through devotion.

Jesus is telling Martha that she must first be ministered to by her Savior, before she can effectively minister for her Savior.

You cannot be the Godly spouse that you want to be unless you spend TIME at the feet of Jesus.

Are you too busy serving Him that you can’t find time to love Him and listen to Him?

Charles Wesley said, “…Choose the better part; Serve with careful Martha’s hands and loving Mary’s heart.”

You can be radically changed if you listen to Jesus words, “…one thing is needful.”

Jesus pointed out that Mary’s choice to take the “good part” would not be taken from her.

It is good to be hooked up to Gods word—THAT IS YOUR LIFELINE!

When you choose to do what Mary did, you can live the good life.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

WORRY FREE MARRIAGE (Part 2)

Pride causes discouragement and depression when we worry.

Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction.”

Proverbs 29:23 “A man’s pride shall bring him low.”

To avoid this, God tells us to humble ourselves by letting him take care of our marital problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

1. Has God ever told you to be quiet, but you don’t.
2. Next you find yourself in a fight then you finally have to be quiet to end it.
3. Then you are depressed because you either said hurtful things or you were told hurtful truths.

God did not design us to be able to handle tomorrow’s problems.

He only gives us enough grace to get through TODAYS marital issues.

When you cast your cares, that act of humility demonstrates your faith.

When the verse says, …the mighty hand of God…”, it means that God can hand-le anything and everything.

Let God use His “mighty hand in your marriage.”

Worry does not empty tomorrow’s problem, it just empties today’s strength.

THE WORD CHOKED

Mark 4:18-19  “And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word, And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.””

This is saying that after you have heard Gods word, you still allow things to enter your heart and it strangles Gods word that is in you.

After suffocating Gods word, you can no longer PRODUCE fruit in your life, so you miss out on a good harvest.

This mentions three things that choke the word:

1. The cares of the world.
2. The deceitfulness of riches.
3. The lust of other things.

We start to allow the problems, rather than Gods word to tell us how to act.

Luke 21:34 “And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting (being overfull), and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.”

OUCH!   I said, “OUCH!!”

You have been warned to not be “overcharged.”

Overcharged means to feel stressed, depressed and just an emotional wreck.

You won’t be able to hear the VOICE of God.

Also, notice in Luke 21:34 that a person who is “overcharged” with the “cares of this world” are on the same category as a drunkard.

People who are drunk are not alert, sharp or perceptive.

You cannot make good marital DECISIONS when you are overcharged with the cares of this world.

The choice is yours:  You can sin by letting things bother you, or you can choose to not let things bother you.

A WORRY FREE LIFE IS YOUR CHOICE.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

A CHEMISTRY LESSON

High school chemistry taught me a very valuable lesson: When certain substances come into close contact, they can cause a chemical reaction.  I proved that fact during my senior year of high school, when I dropped a jar full of pure sodium into a river  and nearly blew up a bridge below!

I’ve learned since then that many people don’t respect the laws of chemistry, any more than I did as a teenager.  They mix volatile ingredients without giving much thought to the consequences–just as David did in the sordid account of Bathsheba.  Just the mere sight of her caused him to start a life down a very slippery slope.  It can be that simple.  I’ve discovered that many married people don’t understand that a chemical reaction can occur with someone other than their mates.

Don’t misunderstand–I’m not talking merely about sexual attraction.  I’m referring to a reaction of two hearts, the chemistry of two souls.  This is emotional adultery–an intimacy with the opposite sex outside of marriage.  When two people begin discussing intimate struggles, doubts or feelings, they may be sharing their souls in a way that God intended exclusively for marriage partners.  Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite sex that progresses too far.  In most cases, adulterous relationships start as casual relationships at work, school, even church.

So guard your heart!

NOTE:  This article came from “Family Life and Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

SATURDAY Q & A

Question #1.  How specifically can I build up my spouse–especially when I feel critical?

Answer #1.  I often look to Proverbs 18:21 as a good reminder of the power of words.  It says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”   It’s a simple choice–you can either choose to give life with your words, or give death.  This is especially true when it comes to your spouse.

Sometimes it’s easy, even automatic, to pick out wrong things your spouse does.  But how about this instead?  The next time you start to criticize your spouse for doing something wrong, think about the last time you praised him or her for something he or she did right.

One word  of caution: don’t falsely flatter your spouse, or insincerely attempt to compliment him or her.  It is better to find two or three things that you honestly admire than to lavish praise that is undeserved.

We all need someone on our team, someone who’s pulling for us during the tough times.  There’s a special comfort and security in knowing your spouse will cheer for you, even when the world is dragging you down.

NOTE:  This question and answer came from the book “Family Life and Marriage Bible” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

WORRY FREE MARRIAGE (Part 1)

Faith is a reaction from the heart based on something God has said.

Fear (or worry) is a reaction from the mind or emotions based on something your circumstance (or the devil) has said.

According to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, the word “Worry” when used as a noun means: “mental distress or agitation resulting from concern usually for something impending or anticipated.”

Have you experienced “mental distress” in your marriage?

The words “mental stress” means that your mind and emotions are suffering.

The synonyms for worry are: agonize, fret, be anxious, be concerned, be troubled, be bothered, be apprehensive, be nervous, be fearful, and lose sleep.

Worry can be destructive to every area of your life as negative forces work in the mental and emotional realm.

Worry is something YOU ALLOW.

How many times a day do you open the door and welcome worry into your life and marriage?

Negative thoughts will NEVER bring you peace and joy.

Worry never deals with the known realm—

It always deals with the unknown realm.

Worry never deals on the positive—

it always deals on the negative.

Think of all the things in your marriage that you worry about UNNECESSARILY.

When you worry, you are more SELF-conscious than GOD-conscious.

You are being carnally minded!!

If you are worried about something, you are in fear, not in faith.

The act of worry is sin!  Rom.14:23b “…whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”

HUMILITY

You cannot be humble and worry at the same time because worry is rooted in pride.

When we worry, we are not trusting God and we start trusting in ourselves to resolve our own problems.

1Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.”

If we “cast all our care” then we would be carefree!

Carefree is :  untroubled, lighthearted, relaxed, cheerful or free from care.

God is telling us that a true sign of humility is casting your cares on Him.

When you have marital problems and you handle it yourself, you are telling God, “I don’t believe you will solve this for me.”

If you do that, you are now on the throne of your marital life and NOT GOD!

Only you can let God back on the throne.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

VIBRANT MARRIAGE SECRETS (Part 4)

Almost 90 percent of all marital arguments can be traced back to the issue of money.

Every day there are divorces filed because of financial disagreements.

One of the “vibrant marriage secrets” is  how to properly maintain you finances.

Fifth, Managing Your Money

A.)     MONEY MATTERS TO GOD.

1. Money is to be earned.

In Genesis, it was established that the role of the husband required hard work.

Gen.3:17-19 God told Adam that he would have to eat and provide “in toil” and “in the sweat of (his) face.”

God intends that income be earned by intense, earnest work and effort.

“He who has a slack hand becomes poor, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.”  Prov.10:4

1. Money is to be given.

Your money comes from God (Deut.8:18) and is to be used for Him, His purposes, and His people.

As Christians, we are commanded to give our money regularly and purposefully, sacrificially, and generously.

“She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy”  Prov.31:20

What happens in your home is the person your husband thinks is needy differs from your opinion?

Do you let him continue on with His convictions and compassion and supply the need?

Once again God’s word gives us advice on our treasures in Matthew.

Do not lay up for yourselves “…treasures on earth”.  You are to “…lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven…”  Matt.6:19-21

1. Money is to be managed and saved.

To be a good steward we must learn thrift, diligence, carefulness, self-control, and skills of saving, stretching, record-keeping, and wise decision-making.

Do you go to a sale and start buying everything in sight just because it is a bargain?

Prov.24:3-4 “Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”

1. Money is not to be desired.

As Christians we are to beware of greed and the love of money.

We are to “…be rich in good works, ready to give, willing to share…” 1Tim.6:28

“…godliness with contentment is great gain…”1Tim.6:6

Let the Holy Spirit be the decision maker in your finances.

You can end quarreling about money today!

NOTE:  Some of the comments are from the book “A wife after God’s own Heart”, by Elizabeth George.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

VIBRANT MARRIAGE SECRETS (Part 3)

A “Vibrant Marriage” is what every spouse looks forward to at the beginning of their life together.

In the book of Genesis we find one of our first commands concerning marriage, straight from God.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  Gen.2:24

The word cleave in Hebrew means to “catch by pursuit, fasten together, follow close and to stick to.”

The Israelites knew exactly what the word “cleave” meant.

Marriage was a commitment to be desired.

It was a union that could not be broken by anything that may come against it.

CASE AND POINT:  I don’t know how true this story is, but I was told by a Britain that when Prince Charles and Princess Diana started having marital problems, that his father told him, “Get an heir and a spare.”  In other words, have two children from Diana.  Have one to take the throne and another one in case the first one dies.  Then Prince Charles can live his life and do whatever he wants to do.  He basically was telling him that he did not need to have a marital relationship with Diana.  The sad part of that is that he didn’t tell Diana that when he asked her to marry him.  She thought she was going to have a lifetime of love.  He also disappointed God because he violated God’s marriage treaty and the whole world knew about it.

Fourth, Enjoy your marital intimacy

A.)    Take your calendar in hand and schedule a sex date!

Does that sound cold?  Callous? Unemotional?  Lacking in romance?

Talking with your husband openly about your sex life and revolutionize it.

Keep in mind that sex is the #1 basic need for a husband.

B.)    Talk about sex with your husband.

If you can communicate lovingly and specifically about sex, then the two of you can move toward greater enjoyment of intimacy.

C.)     Take time to prepare for sex.

Set the scene and the mood.

D.)    Try to go to bed at the same time.

How can you cuddle, be available sexually, if you and your husband don’t go to bed at the same time?

E.)     Tackle the excuse of “I’m too tired!”

And what woman isn’t???

Your assignment is to figure out what to cut out of your life so that you will not be tired for the most important part of your marriage—your sex life.

F.)     Take care of yourself.

Good grooming only costs a few minutes.

NOTE:  Some of the comments were taken out of the book “A wife after God’s own heart” by Elizabeth George.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.