LOVE YOUR SPOUSE

THE GIFT OF COMPASSION

WHEN JOB LOST NEARLY EVERYTHING he had–his children, his possessions, his reputation, and his health–that’s when he needed his wife to step in and give him her unconditional support.  But this is what he got: “Then his wife said to him ‘Do you still hold fast to your integrity?  Curse God and die!”‘ (Job 2:8,9).  These were obviously not the words Job needed to hear from his wife.

Don’t leave your spouse alone to deal with his own personal tragedies.  Whatever he is facing, he needs you to face it with him.  He needs your compassionate, consistent, and tireless belief in him.  It’s in these moments when you will experience what Proverbs 18:21 teaches, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”    Your words have enormous power in the life of your spouse.  Find ways to use your words to encourage his faith, not his unbelief.

Talk about the context of his life and together gain an understanding of what has shaped him.  The more you fully grasp the context of your mate’s journey to adulthood–and express compassion for where he has been–the more freedom he will feel to pour out his heart.  Remember that parents, coaches, teachers, ears, siblings, and other significant people gave him a personal heritage of either success or failure.

Tell him that you are unlike those who have rejected him, your commitment is unwavering and your love is consistent.  In this climate of compassion and patience, he will begin to feel free to take risks and to move ahead without fear of rejection.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible.

WHO WILL BUILD YOUR HOME?

Who will be the builder of your marriage?  King David warned, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it”  (Psa.127:1).

Several years ago I met a husband and wife who had been married for fourteen years, but one might say they had been married for one year, fourteen times!  Despite the appearance of success, their home was riddled with conflict.  Both harbored massive resentments against the other.  The builder of the home was clearly Self.

Even when they attended a Weekend to Remember conference, they fought the whole time.  Yet somehow, at home, they committed their lives to Christ and asked Him to be the Architect and Builder of their marriage.

A year later they told me their story.  They reported leading their seven-year-old and ten-year-old children to Christ, clear signs of the Master Builder at work in their marriage.  In fact, that first year they began building their home on God’s wisdom, they changed the day they celebrated their wedding anniversary to the date of their first conference!  When people ask them today how many years they’ve been married, they reply, “Since 1988,” even though they actually walked down the aisle thirteen years before.

God really does renovate and rebuild homes!  No matter what you are facing, no matter how difficult the challenge, He is able to do exceedingly, above all that you can ask or think (Eph.4:20).

NOTE:  Daily their is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NOTE:  This article is from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

REJECTING YOUR OWN SELF WORTH

Have you ever felt rejected and unwanted.

I know that all of us at some time in our life, have experienced something that made us feel rejected.

CASE AND POINT:  From junior high school, till I graduated from high school, we moved to different schools ten times.  I felt like I was always the new girl and everyone had their cliques.  Rejection was not something I wanted to embrace at that young age, especially since it was right after my father abandon our family.  I wish I could say that I got use to it, but it had the opposite affect on me.  It drove me further into rejecting my own self worth.

I don’t believe that this is God’s perfect will for our lives, but he will take what satan has tried to destroy us with and God will turn it around and use it for His honor and glory!

Do you feel like you can never please people?

Don’t be in an EMOTIONAL prison just because of what the evil one is now throwing in your face.

I can be thankful today because it gives me an OPPORTUNITY to tell others how devastating rejection is and that it can have a lifetime affect on someone’s life.

1Cor.1:28 “And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen…”

The city of Corinth at that time had so much disgust for Christians that the Apostle Paul had to encourage believers with this letter.

The word “despised” in the Greek means contemptible, least esteemed.

These people who were total outcasts in their society, God said that those are the ones He has chosen.

Yes!  God goes around LOOKING for people who are low-class, second rate and despicable to others.

Why?   Why does he pick the lowest of the low??

Do you feel unloved by your spouse?

Do you feel DISRESPECTED by your spouse?

Does your spouse make you feel like the lowest of the low?

Do you have money saved and bags packed for an easy EXIT the next time things get heavy at home?

Well, hold your head up high and don’t let other people affect your self-image and confidence.

The devil will always try to use the people you love the most and the ones that are closest to you, to drag you DOWN.

People you don’t know cannot hurt you; it’s the people that you love that hurt you.

Isa.53:3  says that Jesus was “…despised and rejected of men…”

All the neglect that has taken place in your life has qualified you to be the exact kind of person that Jesus wants to use.

Why?  Because you know how Jesus FELT and He knows what you have been through.

In 1Cor.1:29 it says, “That no flesh should glory in his presence.”

The NIV translation says, “So no one may boast before him.”

If you are rejected by people you love and have given your life to them, God gets all the GLORY.

The more we are treated like second rate citizens, the more precious we are to God.

Don’t RESENT your spouse!

Are you one of God’s chosen few?

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

DEVIL HATES HUMILITY IN MARRIAGE

Satan loves to infect marriages with his virus.

The enemy infiltrates our marriages with DISUNITY which probably causes more souls to sin than anything else.

Jas.4:11-12 NIV “Brothers, do not slander one another.  Anyone who speaks against his brother, or judges him, speaks against the law and judges it.  When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Law-giver and Judge, one who is able to save and destroy.  But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

Do you criticize and have unfavorable judgment against your spouse?

Do you CONDEMN your spouse because of his conduct?

Do you judge his character and motives that you feel are wrong?

You are on dangerous ground when you start judging another persons WORTH.

The love that unites your marriage is one of the most important things than anything else.

1Cor.13:13 (New Scofield) “Now abideth faith (that works miracles), hope (that makes us happy), love (that unites the Body), these three; but the greatest of these is love”.

Satan loves for you to be judgmental against your spouse because you cannot be judgmental without exalting yourself.

Lucifer’s syndrome is SELF-ELEVATION.

Listen to me wives, this is exactly what brought Lucifer down!  DOWN!!

Lucifer could not see God being number one; Lucifer had to be number one.

Does it BUG you when your spouse puts himself first?

Do you start thinking, “Who does he think he is?  Does he think he is better than me?”

Let me spin it for you.  Do you think you are better than him?

Do you think that he should put you first and him second?

When he puts himself first, does it get your back up?

Hold that tiger, girl!!  Grrrrrrrrr!

Satan fell because of his determination to be first, and his self-exaltation.

You can sit there and act like it is no big deal, but swallow this, it caused the first BROKEN fellowship in heaven.

Don’t think you can out smart satan at his own game.

If you start judging your husband, it is the start of RIPPING your marriage to shreds.

Humble yourself and be last instead of first, with a great attitude.

Put a smile on your face because you just made the devil mad.

The evil one HATES humility!!!

He wants to see the “Me first” attitude from you.

When you have lowliness of mind and love that covers all sins, it will heal and unite your marriage.

Let go of the pride and self glory!   Go for the GOLD!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

INGREDIENTS FOR AN EPIC MARRIAGE

We all need to know the beneficial ingredients for compromise because we all face disagreements in marriage.

First, your relationship with your spouse needs to be your primary concern.

Marriage is for life, and this is something that you are doing together, not against each other.

God put you together to help you accomplish things through life with each other.

Self-sacrifice aides in marital compromise.

According to Eva Marie Everson in her article for “MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP”, she writes, “Seeking to know your spouse’s preferences, and being willing to change in accord with those preferences, directs a marriage toward mutual compromise and greater intimacy.”

Phil.2:3-5 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory;  but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:”

This verse tells us to think of others, like our spouse, as more important than ourselves and to give up our own rights for the sake of peace.

These principles are so vital to the marriage relationship.

In an article by “Christianity Today” they presented four teaching points from this verse.

1. With humility of mind, regard your spouse as more important than yourself.
2. Seek to know the desires of your spouse and be willing to give up your own rights for the sake of peace.
3. Humbly communicate your desires to your spouse and be willing to change.
4. Compromise by giving preference to one another in honor.

In Stephen R. Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families”,  there is a chapter called WIN-WIN.

In the book it suggests that we should try to make it WIN-WIN-WIN.  That means that you win, your spouse wins, and then your family wins.

In life it means to seek first the interest of the other, to understand the other person’s needs, wants, and concerns.

Are you constantly having ego battles with your spouse?

Are you more concerned about who is right rather than what is right?

If you both don’t win, then the whole family loses.

Win-win is the only pattern of thinking and interacting that builds a relationship of trust and unconditional love.

Marriage and family are all about “We” not “Me”.

A good marriage and a good family require service and sacrifice.

An independent mind-set will not work in an interdependent relationship.

In her book Lucky in Love: The Secrets of Happy Couples and How Their Marriages Thrive, Catherine Johnson shares her research regarding factors that make marriages happy and long-lasting.

1. Both partners stop being single at heart and become married at heart.  As they become one, they see each other as his or her best friend.
2. They care more about the health of the relationship than they do about winning arguments.  They are self-aware and can hear and evaluate themselves from their partner’s perspective.

Can you see each other as constantly changing and growing and acting in good faith?

If you can keep the end in mind, you’ll have the motivation it takes to always go for win-win.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

ESSENTIAL QUALITY FOR A SUPER MARRIAGE

The word “humility” means a modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance or rank.

Humility is the most essential quality of the Christian as it allows you to respond as you are being led by Christ.

Rom.12:3 “…do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

This is telling us to live our lives, in our marriage, pleasing to God and not to desire the high praises of men.

Compromise is what marriage is all about so be careful with issues related to being opinionated.

Do you find yourself having to do things your way and not listening to your spouse?

If you want to be esteemed in God’s eyes, in Isaiah there are three things God revealed that are first necessary.

 “This is the one I esteem:

He who is humble and

Contrite in spirit, and

Trembles at my word.” Isa.66:2

When we humbly accept the love of God, our pride is challenged.

Humility will give you a deeper realization of your unworthiness.

Do you accept your God-given role of being subordinate to your husband?  Keep in mind that God blesses us for submitting to this God-given role.

How do you respond when your spouse rebukes you?  With anger?

You need to carefully consider the areas that have your spouse upset.

How do you act when your spouse disagrees with your opinion?  Do you slander your spouse?

Do you try to understand the view point of others while realizing that God made everyone to think differently.

Phil.2:3-4 “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.  Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

You need to have a humbling view about yourself, because you know your own secret faults and you know the true you.

Don’t selfishly give yourself glory thinking that you are wiser, more talented or more gifted than your spouse.

You need to rejoice in the blessings of your spouse.

God often allows us to go through humiliating circumstances in our life.

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.” 2Cor.12:7

Paul could not avoid or remove his fleshly thorns because they were necessary for his spiritual well-being to develop and maintain humility.

Let’s take time to look at what our source of humiliation is?

It is healthy for us to have sources of humiliation.

Humiliating the proud is part of Jesus’ ministry.

They tried to kill Jesus because he humiliated them.

They needed to be humiliated if they were ever to be saved.

What is your source of humiliation?  Spouse?  Children?  Siblings?  In-laws?  Work?  Co-workers?  Friends?  Finances?  Marital Status?

The “Great Physician” may be trying to save your marriage by giving you medicine of humiliation.

Take your medicine!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

BATTERED BY OUTSIDE CIRCUMSTANCES

 The meaning of “confrontation” is the hostile disagreement face-to-face resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.

2Cor.7:5-6 NKJV “Our bodies had no rest, but we were troubled on every side.  Outside were conflicts, inside were fears.  Nevertheless God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus.”

Sometimes  we feel so battered by outside circumstances that we have no control over.

Many of us feel so beaten down by life itself at different intervals.

This happens in marriage many times when we feel like we can’t seem to communicate with understanding to our spouse.

It is so easy to fall into depression when we feel that there is no way out.

If we fall into the self-preservation mode, we have now cut ourselves off from the people who can help us.

Let’s look at some of the pitfall of confrontation so that we do not make the mistakes other marriages have made.

Statistics show that 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of the 15 minute interaction.

If you begin a conversation with harsh speech, you are doomed for failure.

The following negative interaction principles are taken from John M. Gottman and Nan Silvers article on “How I predict divorce.”

Negative interactions are lethal to a marriage relationship.

Here is a list of four negative interactions:

1. Criticism

A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed.

A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.

2.     Contempt

Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.

This is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.

3.     Defensiveness

When conversations become so negative, critical and attacking, you will end up defending yourself.

4.     Stonewalling

In marriages where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out.  This behavior is far more common among men.

Any of the above actions, will cause confrontation.

Job 30:27 “My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.”

In this verse we see how Job is so upset that he is boiling on the inside and can find no rest.

This is exactly what happens to you and I when we enter a conversation harshly.

Here are three goals that we must use before we start a conversation that is very controversial.

First, use HUMILITY.  1Pet.5:5 “…God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”   This is a must in a controversial conversation.

Second, COMPROMISE.

Don’t go into the conversation with the attitude that you will get everything your way.  Make it a WIN-WIN situation.  That is where you will be able to have some things your way but be flexible enough to allow his concerns to be taken care of also.

Third, use DIALOGUE.  Jas.1:19 “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

Your spouse talks, while you listen.

The secret to good communication is listening.

It is a tool.

Listening and talking at the same time guarantees that you are going to miss important facts and details.

Win the “first place” position for listening.

** To make sure you have listened to his point, ask, “Is this what you are trying to tell me?”

To be a good “helpmate” you need to know his opinion and position.

Communication is a prerequisite to success.

God has good plans for your marriage.

He knows what you need and he lovingly provides it for you.

Do not withdraw from God in the middle of distress and confrontation.

His helping hands want to help you in the time of need.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

MEET A WORTHY QUEEN

How did a nice Jewish girl become queen of the entire Persian Empire?  That’s the story of the book of Esther.  We learn that while Esther was selected from among the most beautiful women of the kingdom to be the queen, she was far more than a beautiful young woman.  Her worthy character reveals itself as this romantic tale suddenly changes into a serious drama.

When Mordecai, the cousin of Queen Esther, informs her of a plot to destroy all the Jews living in the kingdom, he urges her to go to the king  and plead with him on behalf of her people.  But this request presents the young queen with a tough decision.  She knows that the rules and laws of the palace dictate that no one can approach the king without being summoned…and she knows that the queen before her was removed from her position for her insolence.   But because of the urgency of the moment, she decides to risk her position for a higher good.  And in that decision, Esther reveals several things about her relationship with the king:

First, she was  not presumptuous.  She came before him as his queen, wearing her royal robes, but she came humbly, standing and waiting for him to notice her.  She didn’t barge into the throne room.  Even though she had a relationship with the king, she didn’t abuse that privilege.  God, in turn, honored her.

Second, Esther respected her husband and his position as king.  As she reached the throne, she touched his golden scepter, demonstrating that she recognized his authority and power.

Third, Esther began her reply to her husband, “If it please the King.”  In the other two recorded conversations between this king and queen, the same statement prefaces her remarks.  This was not just an official formality, but a genuine expression to Ahasuerus of her overall commitment, respect, and submission to him as her husband and her authority.  Although my husband, Dennis, is not a king like Ahasuerus, he is worthy of my respect.

Before I present my case to Dennis, I also try to assure him of my respectful loyalty to him as my partner and authority.  At times I speak frankly about his weaknesses and how they affect me, but when I do, he is much more able to hear my words because of my loyalty and frequent verbal reassurances.  He knows that even if nothing changes, I will still remain committed to him.

What I learn from Queen Esther and how she respected her husband reminds me of the advice shared by a good friend of ours who was married for nearly 50 years.  Speaking with a small group of women, she said, “Ladies, if you crown him king, he will treat you like a queen!”

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.

NOTE:  This article was taken from the book Family Life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

SATURDAY – QUESTION & ANSWER  

Question:  What are a man’s most important romantic needs?

Answer:   Show your husband the following list of needs and ask him if they are true for him.  If so, ask him to prioritize them in order of importance.

1.  He needs his wife to respect and celebrate who he is as a man and how God made him sexually.  A critical wife can create an impotent man.

2.  He needs his wife to make his romantic needs (frequency and creativity) a priority in their relationship.

3.  He needs his wife to desire and make him feel wanted.  He needs his wife to be unashamed of her passion for him.

4.  He needs his wife to be adventure-some, fun, and sexually imaginative.  He needs his wife to be unafraid about using her sexual power as a woman.

5.  He needs his wife to let him know that he is a great lover.  That he brings his wife great pleasure.

Romantic love is part of God’s character.  He made us in His image and He gave us emotions.  Just as He woos us to follow after Him and express our love for Him, so a husband and wife should attempt to win each other’s affections.

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage be a success.

NOTE:  This article was taken from the book Family life and Marriage Bible by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

ARE YOU A NAG?

A wife’s actions speak way louder than her words.

1Pet.3:1-2 “”…Ye wives, be in subjection to your own husband; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.”

In Rick Renners book “Sparkling Gems from the Greek”, he encourages wives to “not be preachy”.

We will be using some of his findings in this post today.

He gave an example of a new bride that was trying to encourage her husband to be the spiritual leader in the home but her approach was having just the opposite effect that she desired.

Instead of causing her husband to feel closer to her, she was pushing him far away by constantly preaching at him and putting high spiritual expectations on him.

This NEW bride started her marriage with a husband that looked down cast and was very depressed.

CASE AND POINT:  Several years ago I had a friend that I had met professionally who did not come to my church. On occasion she would call me to talk.  She only knew her husband a few months and got married unexpectedly.  After a couples of months, I heard they were already talking divorce.  She asked me to meet with her and I already knew that she needed some biblical encouragement.    When I asked her how the marriage was going, her response was that she is finally training him to submit.  She said how every morning, she arranges candles and they both have to pray and read the word together.  At first, he literally fought her “tooth and nails” on that issue and many others as well.  After he couldn’t take the scratches anymore, he decided to let her have her way.  Needless to say, he is one miserable husband.   I told her to let me know when she decides to have a biblical marriage where she is submitting to him.  My comment did not go well but neither has their marriage.

If you want to preach at your husband, remember that it is going to be a big turn-off.

Men resent having a corrector and a boss for a wife when they expected her to be his GREATEST supporter.

Remember, he married you to be his cheerleader, his companion, his friendly friend.

What happened????

Do you demonstrate unconditional love or do you just TELL him you love him?

Are you a NAG?

To an unsaved husband, your preaching at him sounds like nagging and complaining.

That is why Apostle Paul told the wives with unsaved husbands to “knock it off.”

So, “knock it off.”   CHILL!!!

Paul then told them that their method of evangelism had to be one of living a Godly life.

Many Christian wives PRESSURE their husbands to change by pestering, nagging, pleading and begging.

You can try every method, but if God doesn’t touch his heart, all the complaining is a lost cause.

The Holy Spirit draws and calls hearts to Himself so you can either help or hinder that PROCESS.

As you grow in your relationship with God, you will understand how to love your husband the way God loves you.

In the phrase “…coupled with fear…” the word “fear” refers to respect.  Peter is commanding wives to do everything they can do to show respect.

As you learn to keep silent , your husband will learn to listen to the Holy Spirit.

Walk the talk.

Peter is telling you how to WIN the game of positively influencing your husband without even opening your mouth.

You can do it!!   You go girl!!!

NOTE:  Daily there is a new post to help your marriage succeed.